In Concert: PenguiCon 2016

by Tom Smith

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about

An excellent little show, recorded Saturday afternoon at PenguiCon 2016. They gave me a lecture-style room with theater seating and a small stage. The acoustics were great, the crowd was fantastic, and there was a lot of singing along and silliness and energy, and it was wonderful.

credits

released May 23, 2016

Recorded Apr 30 2016 at PenguiCon (Southfield, MI)
Special thanks to Ron Elliott
and the PenguiCon Staff

Recorded by Tom Smith
with a Zoom Q2HD Recorder

Cover art by Lar DeSouza
lartist.com
leasticoulddo.com

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about

Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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Track Name: Smash the Frickin' Fairies
There's a fairy grove in my back yard,
I found it just last night.
And the fairies come to have some fun
In the silvery moonlight
They're lovelier than anything
That you have ever seen
And when you smash them with a brick
Their blood's all thick and green.

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Bash 'em in the head.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Giggly sparkly fairies,
Dumbass tiny fairies,
Make them suckers dead.

Stupid little fairies
Come to dance and sing,
Hang 'em from my nipples,
Now they're fairy bling.
Tiny little wingspan,
See how cute they are,
Press 'em in a phone book,
Tape 'em to my car.

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Tacky goofy fairies,
Cutesy Wootsy fairies,
I don't wanna stop.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Tinkly stinkly fairies,
Poopy stoopy fairies,
Squeeze 'em till they pop.

Who cares about their ancient magic,
Who cares about their hidden lore,
I just like the way they go stiff then go limp
When you catch their heads in a door.

Who cares about their timeless beauty
Who cares if their existence is a shock
I took pictures of them posed with my Dominatrix Barbie
And my eBay shop can't keep 'em in stock

Some people see the fairies and
Their hearts and souls are moved,
I tie them to bowling pins,
My average has improved.
Fishing isn't boring since I
Use them now for bait,
They're also good as shredded cheese,
Their life is really grate.

The fairies joined together
Came to each other's aid
Too bad I had a shotgun
And a big ol' can of Raid
So now they're really frightened,
They're sad and mad and vexed,
And when I take the fairies down
The Hobbits all are next!

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Dainty pretty fairies,
Gaudy bawdy fairies,
Crush them under trains.
Anvil at the ready,
Drop it on their head-ee,
Bring in some undead-ee,
ZOMBIE FAIRY BRAINS!

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Stupid cutesy fairies,
Icky nasty fairies,
Bust their little heads.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Fill their cemetaries,
Then I woke up, Doctor,
Can you please adjust my meds?
Track Name: March of Cam-Carpenter
Fight with sword, fight with shield,
Make those bastards, make them yield.
Lift your voice, up to the sky,
Make them die.

How... many of them... can we make die?
How... many of them... can we make die?
Track Name: Previously, On The Avengers
STEVE: There’s a war going on
Out there somewhere
And Banner isn’t here
There’s a war going on
Out there somewhere and Banner isn’t here

ALL: There’s a war going on
Out there somewhere and Banner isn’t here
There’s a war going on out there somewhere and Banner isn’t here
You gotta get with the program you are at the movies
We hope you saw the previous ones if you wanna keep with the plot
Cuz it’s a complicated crossover epic, everyone’s got nine different scenes
So buy all the comics later,
We’d appreciate it, thanks a lot
da da da da da da da da da
Natasha!

NATASHA: Natasha's a spy she loves Bruce Banner, or so we’re told

ALL: She loves Bruce Banner, or so we’re told
Natasha's a spy and Banner isn’t here

WANDA: Wanda is good, still trying to find her place in the world

ALL: Still trying to find her place in the world
Wanda is good Natasha's a spy and Banner isn’t here

VISION: Vision is a droid, organic Vibranium head to toe
We think he’s good but we don’t know

ALL: We think he’s good but we don’t know
Vision’s a droid Wanda is good
Natasha's a spy and Banner isn’t here

You gotta get with the program you are at the movies
We hope you saw the previous ones if you wanna keep with the plot
Cuz it’s a complicated crossover epic, everyone’s got nine different scenes
So buy all the comics later,
We appreciate it, thanks a lot
Da da da, da da da, da da da
Sam Wilson!

SAM: Sam Wilson is hot
People shooting at Steve end up shooting at him

ALL:People shooting at Steve end up shooting at him
Sam is hot Vision’s a droid Wanda is good Natasha's a spy and Banner isn’t here

TONY: Tony is a slut In love with Pepper... or Banner... or Steve

ALL: In love with Pepper, or Banner, or Steve
Tony is a slut Sam is hot
Vision’s a droid Wanda is good Natasha's a spy and Banner isn’t here

BARTON: Barton is fierce, but not super-powered
Natasha’s friend, a crazy good shot

ALL: Natasha’s friend, a crazy good shot
Barton is fierce Tony is a slut
Sam is hot Vision’s a droid Wanda is good Natasha's a spy and Banner isn’t here

We’re the Guardians of the Galaxy, the war can’t touch us here
Other Characters!

BUCKY: Bucky The Winter Soldier is crazy

SHARON: And Sharon is bland

SHARON & BUCKY: They’re Steve’s family, totally messed up

SPIDER-MAN and ANT-MAN: And Spider-Man’s/Ant-Man’s just for fun!

(they both just look at each other)

ALL: They’re both just for fun!
They’re both fun Bucky is crazy Sharon is bland Barton is fierce Tony is a slut
Sam is hot Vision’s a droid Wanda is good Natasha's a spy and Banner isn’t here
And what about Steve?
Dear, bewildered and awkward Steve? What about Steve?
Trying to do the right thing Steve? What about Steve?
What about Steve? What about Steve?
Track Name: MRA Gaston
No... one... walks like Gaston,
No one talks like Gaston,
No one won't go away 'cause he stalks like Gaston,
"Yes, I'm weird and relentlessly pervy,
As down to the depths he'll descend,
"I'll tell you you're sexy and curvy",
Then get angry 'cause you don't want to be his friend.

No one's crass like Gaston,
Got more brass than Gaston,
No one's more of a self-centered ass than Gaston,
And his white male privilege is really grating,
My, what a guy, that Gaston!

"When I was a lad, I'd watch girls every place,
And smile as they glared back at me.
And now that I'm grown, I invade all their space
And use rohypnol and GHB."

No... one's... rude like Gaston,
Really crude like Gaston,
No one ruins the concept of "dude" like Gaston,
Even when he has partners, it's masturbating,
Oy, what a guy... Gaston!
Track Name: Return of the King, Uh Huh
Well, the world's in a great commotion,
From the Misty Mountains back to the Shire,
The Hobbits are sneakin' the One Ring
From the frying pan into the Fire.
"From somewhere we gotta get a hero" --
That's what the bards all sing,
But they never expected the rockin' and rollin' I bring --
It's the return of the King.

I got a suit of studded black leather,
And my hair stays in place, of course,
I got a re-forged steel electric guitar
And a three-hundred-horsepower horse.
No matter what I ask my Rangers,
They'll do almost anything,
And the ladies are waitin' for the chance to dance and sing --
At the return of the King.

Well, everyone said that I was dead,
Or maybe Ara-Goin' off to hide,
But I just kicked back to get on track,
And wait till I hit my my Stride.

I got my Rangers hoppin'
Down the misty murky Moria Line,
And there ain't gonna be no stoppin'
Till the Pellenore Fields are mine,
We'll hold off the trolls and goblins,
And all of the rocks they fling,
Until Sam and Frodo set Gollum's bells to Ring --
And make me the King.

Now, I'm supposed to marry Arwen, the Fairie
Queen of the Saturday Nights,
But until then, give me Eowyn
And I'll blow out her Northern Lights.

We'll have a celebration,
And I'll take a couple years to rest,
Then I'll stick around and keep an eye on things
When everybody else heads West,
But I'll be here if you need me,
Summer, Fall, Winter and Spring,
And everyone in Middle-Earth'll really rock and swing --
At the Return of the King.
At the Return of the King.
At the Return of the King.

-- That's why they call me the King.
Track Name: Crystal Gayle Killed Frank Herbert
The spice melange, it's so cinnamon sweet,
I put it on most everything I eat.
It's addictive, too,
And don't it make my brown eyes blue.

Dad got control over all that spice,
But Baron Harkonnen had him iced --
Tried to kill me, too,
And don't it make my brown eyes,
Don't it make my brown eyes,
Don't it make my brown eyes blue.

So me and my mother ran away across Dune,
Got found by the Fremen, not a moment too soon,
They said it was easier to leave us behind,
But if we went with them, it would stillsuit them fine.

Now I'm dreamin' of a huge jihad,
And the Fremen all think I'm God --
Maybe I do, too,
And don't it make my brown eyes,
Don't it make my brown eyes,
Don't it make my brown eyes blue.
Track Name: Tech Support For Dad
It had been a long-ass work week, it had been a long-ass day,
I was hoping I could just go home and sleep the night away.
But the message waiting for me was the worst a man could know:
"Hi there, son, could you call me back? My computer's running slow."

There are bamboo shoots and water torture, German blondes named Gert,
Films with Adam Sandler and lots of other things that hurt,
But it's not my job or girlfriend that finally drove me mad,
I've been on the phone long-distance doing tech support for Dad.

It took seven tries to get him to the Start menu and Run,
He had Bonzi Buddy, Comet Cursor, and Quicktime 3.1.
I said I'd try to find out if his firewall had been breached,
Turned out he'd bought this Compaq before Clinton was impeached.

Service packs and driver updates, he needs every single thing,
And he gets online by dial-up, so he might be done by spring,
But he trusts that I can fix it, his beloved college grad,
Never mind it was in Russian, now I'm tech support for Dad.

After thirty seven reboots, and a dozen clean installs,
My room is trashed, my plants are dead, and there's green slime on the walls
But his 'puter's running smoothly, I can finally get away,
When he says, "Oh, yeah, son, one more thing -- how do you sell stuff on eBay?"

Here's a pox on all programmers, puttin' crapware on your shelves,
May you have to teach your programs to your dads by phone yourselves,
There's the Normandy Invasion, and the Siege of Leningrad,
And the special hell filling in for Dell as tech support for Dad.

Now I've built him a computer, nothing can get in or out,
The firewall's adamantium, and the drives are sealed with grout,
And if this one starts to run slow, well, that's just too damn bad,
'Cause I'd rather shave my eyeballs than do tech support for Dad.
Tech support for Dad.
Tech support for Dad.
"Hang on, son -- your mom wants to know how to set up a web page."
Track Name: Operation: Desert Storm
The land is burning and dry under hot desert skies.
My gut is churning but you won't see fear in my eyes.
Nothing to lose as I climb in and look to the roads,
Then light the fuse of the cannon, which promptly explodes.

The blast sends me skyward and into free fall,
With one final thought as I head towards the wall:
I'll get that Road-Runner if it's the last thing I do.

If Murphy's Laws are religion, I must be a saint.
What else explains semis bursting from tunnels I paint?
A thousand Rube Goldberg nightmares lie smashed in my garage --
How many falling pianos can that damn bird dodge?

From magnetic birdseed to dynamite darts,
I could buy General Mills with what I spend on parts,
But I'll get that Road-Runner if it's the last thing I do.

I should forget it, he's not big enough for a stew.
My line of credit with Acme is ten years past due.
Got no insurance, I can't sign for claims with my paws.
In vile durance for breaking most EPA laws.

But my super genius will deal with that dunce,
Remember that I have to win only once,
And I'll get him someday -- perhaps I should try something new.

My canyon compactor was perfect to echo my screams.
My backpack reactor worked fine, until I crossed the beams.
My bomb extender snapped back with the lit TNT.
My flying blender was just a tad quicker than me.

But I'm smarter, I'm stronger, and he's only fast,
Let's hear him "beep beep" with his head up his ass,
And I'll get that Road-Runner if it's the last thing I do!

(spoken)
.... Eureka! That's it!
EARTHQUAKE PILLS!!
Track Name: I Want To Be Peter Lorre
The curse of my existence is the "heroes" (or, if you like, just "movies") that I see,
And I can't do much for them not doing very much for me.
I can't identify with Magnum, P or I --
Schwarzenegger, Harrison Ford, and Michael Douglas leave me bored.

Mel Gibson is too rugged, Matthew Broderick's too cute,
Clint Eastwood is so cocky, I could punch him in the snoot.
No, I'll look back in time to a gentleman sublime,
Whose wit and style are seldom mentioned --
(in Lorre voice)
-- But never failed to attract attention!

When I grow up, I want to be Peter Lorre,
I want to snivel and sneer in a nasal whine.
I want to cring and curse, and maybe threaten worse --
(in Lorre Voice)
-- And if that doesn't work, I've got a laugh that'll petrify your spine!

Who wants to be a handsome, stuffy playboy?
Who wants to face the bad guys all alone?
The last thing that I need is to be a romantic lead,
I want to grow up to be Peter Lorre and steal the girl for my own!

When I grow up, I want to be Peter Lorre,
I'll tell Nemo where Kirk Douglas went to hide.
(in Lorre voice)
Now, I didn't mind old Kirk, but Ned Land was such a jerk,
And between a mad scientist and a jock, who would you want on your side?

I want to sell the Bird to Sydney Greenstreet,
I want to cheat with Vincent Price's wife,
And if I want more kicks, I'll make Mister Moto flicks,
I want to grow up to be Peter Lorre and have A Wonderful Life!
(in Lorre voice)
I could've starred in that, too!

(in Lorre voice)
When I grow up, I want to be Peter Lorre,
I'll stalk the streets of Dusseldorf and Pairee,
Waiting for some dame who has no sense of shame
To foolishly make that one mistake and hang around with me.

I want to whistle music from old operas
As I am slowly strangling some pre-teen,
I long for days gone by,
(in Lorre voice)
And that winking, blinking eye,
I want to grow up to be Peter Lorre,
You pretty boys are gonna be sorry,
I'll be the best Peter Lorre you've ever seen!
-- Is it too late to audition for "Gollum"?
Track Name: Theme From Space Squid
From the other side of the galaxy
Came a UFO, as big as can be.
Out jumped a giant cephlapod,
Wearing blue spandex on his bod.
He said "All your hostilities cease,
I'm not an enemy, I come in peace.
I am here to save you from
The deadly menaces yet to come."

He can fight, he can fly,
He always says "Do or die",
He's... Space Squid, and he's come here to save the world.

So our hero, the Mollusk of Might,
The Cosmic Calamari, is ready to fight
Against the forces that Evil sends,
And for his Japanese child friends.
This one's Ken, and that's his sister --
She had a name, but we musta missed her --
And together this exciting three
Battles against Doctor Sashimi.

He can swim, he can squirt,
You can hit him and he won't get hurt,
He's... Space Squid, and he's friend to every body and girl.
He's... Space Squid, and he's come here to save the world!
(Hurry back, Space Squid! I love you!)
Track Name: I Had A Shoggoth
I had a shoggoth, he pleased me,
But drove me to insanity.
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a minion, he pleased me,
Got victims for my laboratory.
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a zombie, he pleased me,
With his decaying anatomy.
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a werewolf, he pleased me,
Devoured every cat he'd see.
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a mummy, he pleased me,
And taught me Egyptology.
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went ABBY SOMEBODY
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a hunchback, he pleased me,
Got Esmerelda sanctuary.
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a vampire, he pleased me,
But at my parties he wouldn't drink... tea.
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMM... DONUTS
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went IT'S STILL WARM
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had an Old One, he pleased me,
In R'lyeh sunk beneath the sea.
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went RRUFF RRUFF
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a cylon, he pleased me,
But then he turned into a she.
Cylon went BY YOUR COMMAND
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went CHEETOS
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a Dalek, he pleased me,
But stairs would make him really cranky.
Dalek went EXTERMINATE
Cylon went BY YOUR COMMAND
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT, SHUT UP!
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HERE KITTY KITTY
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went NOT THE RED ONE!
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a Sith Lord, he pleased me,
But I hated his prequel trilogy.
Vader went KHSHHHHH-HHHOSHHHHH YES, I HAVE SLEEP APNEA, WHAT?
Dalek went EXTERMINATE
Cylon went DOES THIS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went BA BA BA, BA BANANA
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a Dark Lord, he pleased me,
But he couldn't beat Harry and Hermione.
Riddle went HERMIONE AND RON?!?
Vader went BLACK GOES WITH EVERYTHING
Dalek went IT IS NOT A TOILET PLUNGER
Cylon went ♪ I FEEL PRETTY ♪
Cthulhu went PFAGH! Calimari....
Vampire went TWELVE BEAUTIFUL VERSES
Hunchback went CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
Mummy went I AM STUCK ON BAND-AIDS, 'CAUSE BAND-AIDS STUCK ON ME
Werewolf went AH-WHOOOOOO, ME OF LONDON
Zombie went NOT EAT EYES
Minion went WHAT HUMP?
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had Galactus, he pleased me,
But he ate my planet casually.
Galactus went CHOMP.
Track Name: 307 Ale
There's many drinks you'll drink, me lads, on every world that's new.
There's Saurian Brandy, Cranapple Schnapps, and a good old Tullamore Don't.
There's Busch and Beck and Bud and Bock and others dark and pale,
But I think you'll find the finest kind is Three-Oh-Seven Ale.

(chorus)
Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads, Three-Oh-Seven Ale,
The finest drink that any bar has ever had for sale,
It'll lay your whole damn world to waste, it'll make you fit and hale,
There's nothing that you'll ever taste like Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads,
Three-Oh-Seven Ale.

It started out at M.I.T. one lazy summer day,
When a couple of the frat-boy techies started in to play,
They'd caught up on their schedule with a couple hours to kill,
So they fitted up the cyclotron and made themselves a still.

(chorus)

They added choice ingredients to brew a little brew,
But they didn't know the wires were crossed in Chamber Number Two.
A tiny bit of space got folded, things were looking queer --
They turned the spout and then came out the world's first Hyper-Beer.

(chorus)

It bubbled and it burbled and it glowed a fizzly green,
And what it did to test equipment, frankly, was obscene.
It took awhile to find a vial it wouldn't burst to flame,
Then they measured out its potency, and that's how it was named.

(slower)
There's many drinks you'll drink, me lads, but this one beats them all:
One hundred fifty-three and one-half percent alcohol,
A beer, brewed in a tesseract, that'll shoot you through the roof --
And if you don't believe me, I've got lots and lots of proof.

(final chorus)
Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads, Three-Oh-Seven Ale,
The finest drink that any bar has ever had for sale,
It'll lay your whole damn world to waste, it'll make you fit and hale,
It sticks to your mouth like library paste,
With a stronger kick than toxic waste,
There's nothing that you'll ever taste
Like Three-Oh-Seven Ale!
Track Name: Rocket Ride
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide,
Nothing worth doing that I haven't tried.
There ain't no living on planet-side,
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.

How many cities crumble into dust
At the first atomic attack?
How many self-aware, wise, and just
Computers will we have to hack?

How many supercars will turn to rust
'Cause we don't have a spare or a jack?
Give me technology we can trust,
And give it fins like a Cadillac.

I want a shining tower of glass and steel,
A rubber jumpsuit and a freeze-dried meal,
The will to survive, the need to explore,
The love of adventure, who could ask for more?

I want you, baby, right by my side,
Help me get out before my brain is fried.
The stars are waiting, so big and wide,
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.

How many demons out in cyberspace
Will possess every hacker's will?
How many members of a master race
Will come closing in for the kill?

How many xenomorphs will change their face,
And then hunt us down for a thrill?
Give me a villain with style and grace,
And a little bit of fencing skill.

They used to be angular, sneering and bald,
If someone got killed even they were appalled,
They tried to marry the heroine, no thought of rape,
And they sure as hell knew how to wear a cape.

They never tortured, they never lied,
They'd honor a promise if it meant they died.
Let's find a villain with professional pride,
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.

Terminators, Life Force, Robot Jox, Predators,
Lots of things that know how to flense,
Defenestrate 'em out the doors, gimme gimme Star Wars,
Bring back the Children of the Lens.

Puppet Master, Child's Play, Fright Night, Judgment Day,
Jason, Freddy, Michael, and Stripe,
Let Frankenstein, Ardeth Bey, and Kong chase them all away,
The Movie Snatchers' pods are overripe.

I want more than action and special effects,
To think about what might happen next,
A hero, not a weapons shop with pecs,
A heroine, not an excuse for sex.

I want a bubble helmet matting down my hair,
The ground giving way to the open air,
The joy and wonder as I head out there,
And I know I can have it, if I only dare.

How many bodybuilding macho jerks
Will blow everything full of holes?
How many imitation Captain Kirks
Will spill beer on the ship's controls?

How many stupid personality quirks
Will we see instead of souls?
Give me my baby and a ship that works,
And give us the starring roles.

I want to cruise the galaxy at FTL,
Pursuing Heaven and defying Hell,
I want to do everything that a man can do,
And I want to do it all out there with you.

Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide,
Nothing worth doing that I haven't tried.
There ain't no living on planet-side,
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.

Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide,
Nothing worth doing that I haven't tried.
There ain't no living on planet-side,
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.