In Concert: Sasquan 2015

by Tom Smith

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about

The biggest concert of Tom's career: as the Music Guest of Honor at the 2015 World Science Fiction Convention! A solid twenty-one songs, an hour and a quarter of Tom as his best, both silly and serious. Share the fun as Sasquan is invaded by the Myth of Smith!

Tracks marked with an asterisk (*) are interstitial -- basically, me talking rather than singing. It happens.

credits

released August 9, 2016

All songs by Tom Smith, except where noted.
Parodies songs are used under the Fair Use provision of Section 107 of the Copyright Act.
Copyrighted materials remain the property of their copyright holders. No challenge to copyright is intended, nor should be construed.

Recording engineer: Syd Weinstein
Final editing: Tom Smith
Cover Art: Lar DeSouza

Big Important Disclaimer: During the concert, I bobbled a couple of lines, big-time. Knew it at the time, re-sang them specifically so I could fix them later. I have done so; you shouldn't even notice, unless you were there or you see the video, which I did NOT fix. I don't usually do this with my concerts -- what you hear is what they got -- but it was important to me to repair the audio. I think I was, pun intended, on fire that night in Spokane.

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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Track Name: Smokane
You take Lincoln, I'll take Brown,
Neither way'll get us out of town.
Smokane,
Fires all around this domain.

Can't see sun, can't see rain,
Just cough up clouds with a yellow stain,
Smokane,
City's goin' up in flame.

Ooh-ooh, mama, come here fast,
I need a backup Super Soaker blast,
Smokane,
Fighting this myself's a pain.

C'mon, you techies, get inspired,
We need a firewall for actual fire,
Smokane,
"Open fire" ain't a command in this game.

WorldCon is the hottest place to be,
Looks like the state took it literally,
Smokane --
We can stack up Tribbles!
... Just sayin'.
Track Name: Smash the Frickin Fairies
There's a fairy grove in my back yard,
I found it just last night.
And the fairies come to have some fun
In the silvery moonlight
They're lovelier than anything
That you have ever seen
And when you smash them with a brick
Their blood's all thick and green.

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Bash 'em in the head.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Giggly sparkly fairies,
Dumbass tiny fairies,
Make them suckers dead.

Stupid little fairies
Come to dance and sing,
Hang 'em from my nipples,
Now they're fairy bling.
Tiny little wingspan,
See how cute they are,
Press 'em in a phone book,
Tape 'em to my car.

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Tacky goofy fairies,
Cutesy Wootsy fairies,
I don't wanna stop.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Tinkly stinkly fairies,
Poopy stoopy fairies,
Squeeze 'em till they pop.

Who cares about their ancient magic,
Who cares about their hidden lore,
I just like the way they go stiff then go limp
When you catch their heads in a door.

Who cares about their timeless beauty
Who cares if their existence is a shock
I took pictures of them posed with my Dominatrix Barbie
And my eBay shop can't keep 'em in stock

Some people see the fairies and
Their hearts and souls are moved,
I tie them to bowling pins,
My average has improved.
Fishing isn't boring since I
Use them now for bait,
They're also good as shredded cheese,
Their life is really grate.

The fairies joined together
Came to each other's aid
Too bad I had a shotgun
And a big ol' can of Raid
So now they're really frightened,
They're sad and mad and vexed,
And when I take the fairies down
The Hobbits all are next!

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Dainty pretty fairies,
Gaudy bawdy fairies,
Crush them under trains.
Anvil at the ready,
Drop it on their head-ee,
Bring in some undead-ee,
ZOMBIE FAIRIE BRAINS!

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Stupid cutesy fairies,
Icky nasty fairies,
Bust their little heads.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Fill their cemeteries,
Then I woke up, Doctor,
Can you please adjust my meds?
Track Name: Crystal Gayle Killed Frank Herbert
The spice melange, it's so cinnamon sweet,
I put it on most everything I eat.
It's addictive, too,
And don't it make my brown eyes blue.

Dad got control over all that spice,
But Baron Harkonnen had him iced --
Tried to kill me, too,
And don't it make my brown eyes,
Don't it make my brown eyes,
Don't it make my brown eyes blue.

So me and my mother ran away across Dune,
Got found by the Fremen, not a moment too soon,
They said it was easier to leave us behind,
But if we went with them, it would stillsuit them fine.

Now I'm dreamin' of a huge jihad,
And the Fremen all think I'm God --
Maybe I do, too,
And don't it make my brown eyes,
Don't it make my brown eyes,
Don't it make my brown eyes blue.
Track Name: Honey Glazed Ham
See the tree, how big it's grown
Since I have lived here on my own,
And it's been good,
Since Christopher began his fun
And brought us all to live in Hun-
Dred Acre Wood.

Well, I came home today to stretch
Before the mirror, and then fetch
My hunny-pot.
Now, I'm a simple-minded bear,
But I know there was hunny there,
And now there's not.

And Hunny, I miss you,
You left without a sound,
Wait! What's at the bottom?
-- Oh, bother. Piglet drowned.
Track Name: The Cthulhu Colada Song
I was tired of my lady,
Other people as well.
In fact, if I had the power,
I'd send them all to hell.
So I traveled to Arkham,
Got a library card,
Took out a book on black magic
By Abdul Al-Azhrad.

"Ia! Cthulhu Fhtagn!"
If you can say this refrain,
If you can look at the Old Ones
And still have half a brain,
If you like casting spells at midnight,
Wearing only a cape,
Then your master's in R'lyeh,
Chant this spell, he'll escape.
Track Name: Avengers' Picnic
If you go out to the movie show, you'd better not go alone -
But please go out to the movie show, no reason to stay at home -
For every superhero there was
Will pound on Loki simply because
Today's the day we're going to see Avengers!

The Tesseract (or Cosmic Cube), it never will be enough,
'Cause Steve's naive but not a rube, and Iron Man's really tough,
The Widow's clever, Hawkeye is brash,
Thor's lived forever, Hulk will just smash --
Today's the day we're going to see Avengers!

Popcorn time for Avengers,
The mighty Avengers will assemble for everyone today,
Watch them fighting aliens,
Defending Manhattan in a most destructive way,
Bashing giant silverfish,
Designed by Giger when he was drunk on Tullamore Dew,
We've never seen such an amazing superhero film before,
Nor will we again till Avengers 2!
So...

If you go out to the movie show, be bolder and do not yield,
Just armor up, and ready your bow, Mjolnir and mighty shield,
And just before you're ready to go,
Have Natasha stomp on Bruce Banner's toe...

Then run like heck to the multiplex,
We all will scream, they got us the dream,
They're buff, they're ripped, they got a good script,
All thanks to Joss, the movie is boss,
Maria Hill, her jumpsuit she'll fill,
With Samuel L., and Coulson -- oh, well,
It's better than mere mortals could ken,
And look! There's Thanos right at the end,
And after it's done, for shawarma we'll run,
And talk for hours how it was such fun,
Today's the day we're going to see Avengers!
Track Name: Operation: Desert Storm
The land is burning and dry under hot desert skies.
My gut is churning but you won't see fear in my eyes.
Nothing to lose as I climb in and look to the roads,
Then light the fuse of the cannon, which promptly explodes.

The blast sends me skyward and into free fall,
With one final thought as I head towards the wall:
I'll get that Road-Runner if it's the last thing I do.

If Murphy's Laws are religion, I must be a saint.
What else explains semis bursting from tunnels I paint?
A thousand Rube Goldberg nightmares lie smashed in my garage --
How many falling pianos can that damn bird dodge?

From magnetic birdseed to dynamite darts,
I could buy General Mills with what I spend on parts,
But I'll get that Road-Runner if it's the last thing I do.

I should forget it, he's not big enough for a stew.
My line of credit with Acme is ten years past due.
Got no insurance, I can't sign for claims with my paws.
In vile durance for breaking most EPA laws.

But my super genius will deal with that dunce,
Remember that I have to win only once,
And I'll get him someday -- perhaps I should try something new.

My canyon compactor was perfect to echo my screams.
My backpack reactor worked fine, until I crossed the beams.
My bomb extender snapped back with the lit TNT.
My flying blender was just a tad quicker than me.

But I'm smarter, I'm stronger, and he's only fast,
Let's hear him "beep beep" with his head up his ass,
And I'll get that Road-Runner if it's the last thing I do!

(spoken)
.... Eureka! That's it!
EARTHQUAKE PILLS!!
Track Name: I'm On Firefly
Well, I'm the captain, Mal, my wit is dry,
I may never be a success, but I'm gonna try,
I live by one law: Murphy's -- and you know why, yay-hey,
I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah....

Well, I'm the first mate, Zoe, I always survive,
Like my career after Cleopatra 2525.
I'm the hottie who'll kick your ass, and you know why, yay-hey,
I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah....

I'm Zoe's husband Wash, I'm one lucky guy,
I'm also the pilot, so shut up and let me fly,
I'm the comic relief on the wind, and you know why, yay-hey,
I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah....

I'm Jayne, the hero of Canton, I'm one studly guy,
Don't get on my bad side, or you're gonna die,
Oh yeah -- I don't have a good side, and you know why, yay-hey,
I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah....

I'm Kaylee the engineer, I know what to do,
I'm the oversexed grease monkey snarky savant Mary Sue,
I'm in lust with Simple Simon, and you know why, yay-hey,
I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah....

I'm Simon, the doctor, and Jayne gets on my nerves,
If he doesn't shut up, I'll make sure he gets what he deserves:
I'll lock him in a room with my sister, and you know why, yay-hey,
I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah....

I'm River...
I think...
There's a 29.22% chance that this verse won't scan,
But rewriting it in iambic -- oooh, dancing!

I'm Inara, the Companion, in love with Mal -- who knows why,
He always calls me a whore, I guess he's shy --
And nothing will ever happen, 'cause so am I, yay-hey,
I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah...

I'm Shepherd Book, the token... religious guy,
I've got a great left hook and I think like a spy.
All that Barney Miller paid off, and you know why, yay-hey,
I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah....

Well, I'm Joss Whedon, the creator, yeah, that's me,
The only one to compare is J. Michael Straczynski.
I thank you all for watching Serenity, yay-hey,
Buy my DVD, buy my DVD -- I work for Disney!?
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah....

I'm Brannon Braga, and I'm the Star Trek guy,
Forty years of franchise, we almost kissed it goodbye,
Joss got it right in one -- I hate that guy, yay-hey,
He did Firefly, he did Firefly, he did Firefly.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah....

Well, now this song is done, time to say goodbye,
It's been a lot of fun, but I've gotta fly,
I've set aside fifteen hours, and you know why, yay-hey,
To watch Firefly, to watch Firefly, to watch Firefly.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah....

Firefly for a white guy!
Track Name: Spoiler Alert
I've got a good friend who I talk to a lot
About books or movies or whatever's hot,
But lately she tells me that she'd rather not,
Just because she ain't seen 'em when I spill the plot.

She says,
"Spoiler Alert, Spoiler Alert,
Like too much asparagus spoils your dessert,
I want to discover this stuff by myself,
I had no idea Mr. Smith was an elf."

And he and Frodo jump into the Matrix, and meet Dumbledore the White,
And this really hot babe named Trinity, who fights vampires with Wesley Snipes.
Or Wolverine -- I can never keep those two straight....

It isn't my fault I read faster than she,
Or catch all the previews they show on TV,
Or download the movies so fast the cops blanch
Or hack the computers at Skywalker Ranch.

Okay, that one might be a little my fault.

She says,
"Spoiler alert, spoiler alert,
Sit down and shut up or you're gonna get hurt,
I want to discover this stuff on my own,
And it's hard to strangle you over the phone."

Leia's his sister, and Vader's his dad,
What could I have said that would make her so mad?
Norman Bates' mom is dead, Bruce Willis is a ghost,
And Jesus comes back three days after he's toast.

One day she came over, grinning with glee,
And said "Now you'll know how it feels to be me,
I have here the pictures, the scripts and the proof,
King Kong beats Godzilla, and that is the truth.

And then Kong takes a grappling gun,
And he shoots it up at the International Space Station,
And he climbs up there, and he's waving his arms around, bellowing,
And he's holding either Milla Jovavich, Tea Leoni, or Paris Hilton in a skintight body suit
(Although it's airless space so you can't actually hear him bellowing,
And she's s'dang skinny you can't tell it's skintight).
And then Richard Hatch comes --
Not the Survivor guy but the good one --
And he and Starbucks offer Kong some Mocha Chocalatta Ya Ya,
Which Kong BATS away with one swipe of his mighty paw,
And so they send up their ancient biplane Tie fighters
(Which don't have computers so the Vorlons can't control them),
And they shoot him down and he falls all the way to earth, lands on top of a Zippo lighter factory,
And Jack Black looks down and says,
'It was Butane killed the beast'."

Spoiler Alert, Spoiler Alert,
I was wrong, I'm sorry, check out my hair shirt.
I finally get it, I want to stay friends,
And so I'm not telling you how this song.
Track Name: Telly Taley Heart
You say I must be mad, but how can I be mad?
You look at what I did and ask me "Why?"
Object there was none, passion there was none,
I think it must have been his evil eye.

That's why every night I shone a little light,
I shone it on him through the bedroom door.
On the eighth night he woke, and then his neck I broke
And I buried him underneath the floor.

I cut him apart, I planned it from the start,
There wouldn't be evidence to scan,
But then I heard his heart, his telly taley heart,
Telling everyone I killed the man. (Whooo!)

I buried both his legs beneath the garbage dregs,
His arms beneath the hanger for his coat.
The tub caught the stain, then hid the skull and brain,
So now he's got ring-around-the-throat.

The police came by here, but what had I to fear?
I let 'em in to take a look around,
But the longer they stayed, the more my nerves were frayed,
And then I heard that cotton-ticking sound.

Don't find the heart, the telly taley heart,
'Cause that's the only weakness to my plan,
And if you find the heart, the telly taley heart,
You'll prob'ly figure out I killed the man.

Don't find the heart, the telly taley heart,
It's pounding loud enough to beat the band,
'Cause if you find the heart, the telly taley heart,
You'll prob'ly figure out I killed the man. (Whooo!)
Track Name: The Return of the King, Uh Huh
Well, the world's in a great commotion,
From the Misty Mountains back to the Shire,
The Hobbits are sneakin' the One Ring
From the frying pan into the Fire.
"From somewhere we gotta get a hero" --
That's what the bards all sing,
But they never expected the rockin' and rollin' I bring --
It's the return of the King.

I got a suit of studded black leather,
And my hair stays in place, of course,
I got a re-forged steel electric guitar
And a three-hundred-horsepower horse.
No matter what I ask my Rangers,
They'll do almost anything,
And the ladies are waitin' for the chance to dance and sing --
At the return of the King.

Well, everyone said that I was dead,
Or maybe Ara-Goin' off to hide,
But I just kicked back to get on track,
And wait till I hit my my Stride.

I got my Rangers hoppin'
Down the misty murky Moria Line,
And there ain't gonna be no stoppin'
Till the Pellenore Fields are mine,
We'll hold off the trolls and goblins,
And all of the rocks they fling,
Until Sam and Frodo set Gollum's bells to Ring --
And make me the King.

Now, I'm supposed to marry Arwen, the Fairie
Queen of the Saturday Nights,
But until then, give me Eowyn
And I'll blow out her Northern Lights.

We'll have a celebration,
And I'll take a couple years to rest,
Then I'll stick around and keep an eye on things
When everybody else heads West,
But I'll be here if you need me,
Summer, Fall, Winter and Spring,
And everyone in Middle-Earth'll really rock and swing --
At the Return of the King.
At the Return of the King.
At the Return of the King.

-- That's why they call me the King.
Track Name: PQR
When the moon is dark and the night is deep,
The shutters rattle and the shadows creep,
The women are costly, the wine is cheap,
And you can do anything but get to sleep.

You know you're a different breed,
And the night has what you need,
Nothing else is quite as real,
But it can't be seen -- you're gonna have to feel.

You're staring at the ceiling and you're all alone,
And through the walls you can hear them groan,
And every movement and every moan
Is another reminder you're on your own.

Well, let me tell you, baby, that's a load of crap,
Look at the window, listen for the rap,
Look in my eyes, and you're in my trap --
I need a new lover and you're on tap.

Everything you know is real,
Even things you can't see or feel,
It's a night that you won't regret -- and if you're
Looking for some loving, well, you
Ain't seen nothing yet.

Open up the door and let me in,
There's a lot more here than a life of sin,
The kind of a game that we both can win,
Let me hold your breath, let me taste your skin.

You don't need the bluest eyes,
I don't need to tell you lies,
I'm starving, and you're a feast,
You're more than a lover -- you're meat for the Beast.

You think you're stronger but I think not,
You can feel your defenses start to rot,
Your hands are shaking and your skin is hot,
Your body betrays you, but it's all you've got.

You want to hold back but you're over the line,
You could never get this drunk on wine,
Your eyes are hopin' for a vital sign,
Your thighs are open and your throat is mine.

There's a rush in every vein,
After pleasure, long past pain,
Solid steam and burning wet,
And if you're thinking that I'm bluffing, well, you
Ain't seen nothing yet.

Don't try asking why or how,
It's too late to turn back now,
The blood is pounding to your core,
There's nothing left, but you're giving me more.

Then you open your eyes and you're still here,
With a little more wisdom, a lot less fear,
The night sounds ringin' a bit more clear,
Your nerves are alive, your skin is sheer.

Your body's cold as an icy sheet,
But deep inside there's a brand-new heat,
And every breath is dry and sweet,
No longer mortal, no longer meat.

The beat of your heart has a different tone,
You'd never believe the proof if shown,
Better say goodbye to the life you've known,
You may be lonely but you're not alone.

The world is bigger than the things you see,
And riding the edge is the place to be,
Living your life for the sensory,
Fearing nothing -- 'cept maybe me.

Everything you know is real,
That's the first part of the deal,
Less than partner, more than pet,
And if you think you've had some loving -- HA!
Ain't seen nothing yet.
Track Name: A Boy and His Frog
Life is unfair, so they tell me,
Because they think I wouldn't know.
They only can see a cheap gimmick
On their children's favorite show.

They say, "Oh, that's just foam and a wire,
Attached to a green velvet sleeve,
Anyone can do that" -- well, that's true, I suppose,
But who else could make them believe?

What can I say without you there to guide me?
How else am I supposed to give?
How can I sing without you there beside me?
How else am I supposed to live?

You could never just do the expected,
I was just an idea in a bog,
But you sewed up your dream and we made quite a team,
Jim and Kermit, a boy and his frog.

It was me, Rolph, and you, but I think that he knew
There was something that you and I had.
The magic we made just kept growing,
And none of it ever was bad.

Then came Ernie and Scooter and Gonzo,
Doctor Teeth, Cookie Monster, and more.
But now all of those voices are silent,
And I want to go on... but what for?

No one can make me what you did,
No one could walk in your shoes,
Nothing can make me forget you,
But that's not a thing that I'd choose.

I can't just let it be over,
And you wouldn't want it that way,
So I'll stand up and I'll face it,
And, though not quite in your voice, I'll say:

I will go on without you there to guide me,
There's so much more I can give.
Whenever I sing, you will be there beside me,
As long as I keep you, you'll live.

We just wanted to make people happy,
I was always much more than your toy.
I will never regret and I'll never forget
What we had,
I'll miss you, Dad,
This frog and his boy.
Track Name: The Rainbow Connection
Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbows are visions
But only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide

So we've been told
And some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see
Some day we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me

Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it's done so far

What's so amazing
That keeps us stargazing
And what do we think we might see
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me

All of us under its spell, we know that it's probably magic

Have you been half asleep?
And have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name
Is this the sweet sound
That called the young sailors?
The voice might be one in the same

I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm supposed to be
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

La da da di da da dum da duh da da dum di da ohhh
Track Name: Hey, It's Can(n)on
Ye've read the Harry Potter books, ye think ye know 'em through
But there's something that ye may not know, and here's a little clue:
The female of the Trio has her birthday on
Talk Like A Pirate Day so heads up, Harry and Ron!

When she found out, her eyes she rolled, an' she went on knittin' socks,
But Harry said, "I've got the gold, let's head down to the docks,"
They traded lots o' Galleons for a lovely brigantine,
And now they're her young stallions and she's a pirate queen!

Come here, ye lads and lasses, I tell ye, she's the one,
Give a cheer and raise yer glasses, but not till class is done
Though she's only seventeen, she's smarter than Dumbledore,
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!

Her white shirt and black leather they complement her eyes,
A red sash brings it t'gether (and the boots half up her thighs)
Cap'n Hook's a fan and Jack Sparrow thinks it's great,
It's in the books, it's canon, so let's all celebrate!

Hoist the mainsil', wind the capstan, give it all ye got,
The firewhiskey and th' captain both are really hot,
Here's a Happy Birthday to the girl that we adore,
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!

She taxidermied Pettigrew, and on the bridge he sat,
'Cause after all, she told the crew, what ship ain't got a rat?
She Incarcerous'd young Malfoy so he could not escape,
And one Petrificus later, she made him walk the Snape.

Dolohov she'll finish off, and Bellatrix she'll foil,
Lucius'll land in Azkaban and likewise Crabbe and Goyle,
She laughs at danger, thinks it's keen -- bring on Voldemor -- TT!
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!

Now here's the part we talk about with whom she's lockin' lips,
'Cause after all, a pirate queen has got to have her 'ships,
Some say Harry's her true love, or Ron she will betroth,
She finally cried, "I can't decide, I'll have to have 'em both!"

Who's the sassy bossy witch that all the boys pursue?
Grander than the Golden Snitch and more elusive too.
One may Seeker, one may Keeper, both know how to score, with
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!

And so the Seven Seas she sails, in deadly hot pursuit
of getting perfect O.W.L.s and aceing every NEWT.
Some think she's just a bookworm, but I am here ta say
She's got this pirate gig down cold every natal day!

Come here, ye lads and lasses, I tell ye, she's the one,
Give a cheer and raise yer glasses, but not till class is done
She'll go down in history, the one we're singin' for,
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!
Track Name: I Had a Shoggoth
I had a shoggoth, he pleased me,
But drove me to insanity.
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a minion, he pleased me,
Got victims for my laboratory.
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a zombie, he pleased me,
With his decaying anatomy.
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a werewolf, he pleased me,
Devoured every cat he'd see.
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a mummy, he pleased me,
And taught me Egyptology.
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went ABBY SOMEBODY
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a hunchback, he pleased me,
Got Esmerelda sanctuary.
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a vampire, he pleased me,
But at my parties he wouldn't drink... tea.
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMM... DONUTS
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went IT'S STILL WARM
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had an Old One, he pleased me,
In R'lyeh sunk beneath the sea.
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went RRUFF RRUFF
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a cylon, he pleased me,
But then he turned into a she.
Cylon went BY YOUR COMMAND
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went CHEETOS
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a Dalek, he pleased me,
But stairs would make him really cranky.
Dalek went EXTERMINATE
Cylon went BY YOUR COMMAND
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT, SHUT UP!
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HERE KITTY KITTY
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went NOT THE RED ONE!
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a Sith Lord, he pleased me,
But I hated his prequel trilogy.
Vader went KHSHHHHH-HHHOSHHHHH KHSHHHHH-HHHOSHHHHH KHSHHHHH-HHHOSHHHHH YES, I HAVE SLEEP APNEA, WHAT?
Dalek went EXTERMINATE
Cylon went DOES THIS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went BA BA BAA, BA BANANA -- that's the wrong minion, isn't it?
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a Dark Lord, he pleased me,
But he couldn't beat Harry and Hermione.
Riddle went ... HERMIONE AND RON...?
Vader went BLACK GOES WITH EVERYTHING
Dalek went IT IS NOT A TOILET PLUNGER
Cylon went I FEEL PRETTY
Cthulhu went PFAGH! Calimari....
Vampire went TWELVE BEAUTIFUL VERSES
Hunchback went CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
Mummy went I AM STUCK ON BAND-AIDS, 'CAUSE BAND-AIDS STUCK ON ME
Werewolf went OW-WHOOOOOO ME OF LONDON
Zombie went NOT EAT EYES
Minion went WHAT HUMP?
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had Galactus, he pleased me,
But he ate my planet casually.
Galactus went CHOMP.
Track Name: Badger Pajamas
Badger pajamas,
badger pajamas,
Badger pajamas,
Badger, badger,
Mushroom, mushroom, snake.

Badger pajamas,
I'm wearing badger pajamas,
Badger pajamas,
Badger, badger,
Mushroom, mushroom, snake.

Badger pajamas, badger pajamas,
Badger pajamas, mushroom, mushroom, snake.
Badger pajamas, badger pajamas,
Badger pajamas, mushroom, mushroom, snake.

My eyes are bloody red,
My nights are filled with dread,
This song is in my head,
I can't get it out.

Should not have visited
That web site which they said
Had this animated
Badger singing loud.

Oh...
That...
Fricking badger --
Badger, badger, badger, badger,
Badger, badger, badger, badger,
Badger, badger, badger, badger,
Badger, badger, badger, badger,
Mushroom, mushroom...
Sna-a-a-a-a-a-a-aaaake.
Track Name: 500 Hats
When I wake up, well, I know I'm gonna be,
I'm gonna be as poor as when I went to bed.
When I go out, well, I know I'm gonna have,
I'm gonna have this feathered cap upon my head.

Go to market, well, the streets are crowded now,
But they're moving back in deference to the King.
When I see him, well, I show respect and bow,
And take off my hat -- hey! What's wrong with this thing?

I might wear five hundred hats,
And I might wear five hundred more,
But it's insulting to the King,
Oh, God, I see him coming o'er.

Down in Whoville, all the Whos way down in Whoville,
Well, you know they all liked Christmastime a lot.
But the Grinch, the Grinch who lived just North of Whoville,
Well, you know that nasty Mister Grinch did not.

In the Jungle, well, you know, down in the Jungle,
A young elephant named Horton hears a call,
And that dust speck, that dust speck'll be protected,
For a person's a person, no matter how small.

I do not like green eggs and ham,
I do not like them, Sam I Am.
I do not like them here or there,
I do not like them anywhere.

Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!) Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!)
Bom-badda-dum, badda-dum, badda-dum-badda-da-dadah.
Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!) Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!)
Bom-badda-dum, badda-dum, badda-dum-badda-da-dadah.

When I leave home, I leave home to walk to school,
And to think I saw it on Mulberry Street.
And the Once-ler, up there lurking in his Lerkim,
Watched the Lorax lift himself up by his seat.

The Collapsible Frink'll honk a Hinkle-horn,
Mister Brown can moo, he must think he's a cow.
Where's my moss-covered three-handled family gridunza?
You are lucky, did I ever tell you how?...
Marvin K. Mooney, will you please go now!

And I can lick thirty tigers today,
I had trouble getting to Solla Sollew,
And I can read with my eyes shut,
One fish, two fish, red fish, blue.

Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!) Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!)
Bom-badda-dum, badda-dum, badda-dum-badda-da-dadah.
Yertle Turtle! (Yertle Turtle!) Yertle Turtle! (Yertle Turtle!)
Bom-badda-dum, badda-dum, badda-dum-badda-da-dadah.

And I can wear five hundred hats,
And I can wear five hundred more,
And in one hat there'll be a cat --
Oh, thank dear God, my kid's begun to snore.
Track Name: The Ballad of Fenton
Once, in a land far away, on a beautiful day,
On a wide grassy knoll,
There was a cute little sheep, who was drifting to sleep,
When the earth opened up...
... and swallowed him whole!

Way down in the fiery lake, Lucifer had a lot at steak,
But he wanted some lamb chops instead, and Shari Lewis wasn't dead,
So he kidnapped some virgin wool, grabbed its soul and began to pull,
But he never thought that the lamb he'd caught
Would rebel and then conquer and rule.

Now he's Fenton, Lord of the Inferno,
Fenton, Demon King of the Dell,
Fenton, eyes of flame, breath of Sterno,
Fenton, Death Sheep from Hell.
BAA-AA-AHH!

He's right out of a storybook, but the signs are there if you know to look,
Nasty moustache on his face, sheep are tenors, but this one's a bass,
It's a nearly complete disguise, except for the fangs and the glowing eyes,
If the lion lies down with the lamb, he'll be found
In three pieces of varying size.

Thanks to Fenton, Overlord of the Ovis,
Fen-Tongue, does his breath ever smell.
Fenton, chew some parsley or clove-is,
Fenton, Death Sheep from Hell.

He's a strategist and a conspirer, with a few dozen enemies' lists,
And the Weekly World News and Enquirer are afraid to admit he exists.
He's a devious mind without equals, and if you're convinced that I'm wrong,
Take a look at the various sequels that I'm going to write to this song!

Death Sheep from Hell is the first, you see,
Who he is, how he came to be,
Then it's done, but what can you do
To stop the shear terror of Fenton 2?
The story would not be complete
Without Death Sheep 3: The Last Heart Bleat.
Apparently killed, he comes back for more
In the savage sequel, Death Sheep 4:

Lamb of doom, baa-ba-baa-baa, baa-ba-baa-ba-baa,
Lamb of doom, baa-ba-baa-baa, baa-ba-baa-ba-baa.

After that one, we get to meet Olga, the one girl sheep to whom he is true,
And their lovemaking gets pretty vulgah in Death Sheep 5: Ewe Devil, Ewe.
But the forces of goodness are scheming to slay him and bring the world peace,
And you'll spend nearly two hours screaming at Fenton 6: Rest in Fleece.

And after it's over, he'll be in the cool earth,
At rest in the clover... hmm. What is his wool worth?
But don't think that Heaven is finally winning --
Watch for Death Sheep 7: A New Baa-Ginning!

Starring Fenton, he's a cuddly disaster,
Fenton, and I'm hoping he'll sell,
Fenton, Dark Prince of the pasture,
I'll send Spielberg an offer letter --
If he won't bite, a demonic sweater --
What could be better than Fenton, the Death Sheep from Hell!
BAA-AA-AHH!
Track Name: 307 Ale
There's many drinks you'll drink, me lads, on every world that's new.
There's Saurian Brandy, Cranapple Schnapps, and a good old Tullamore Don't.
There's Busch and Beck and Bud and Bock and others dark and pale,
But I think you'll find the finest kind is Three-Oh-Seven Ale.

(chorus)
Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads, Three-Oh-Seven Ale,
The finest drink that any bar has ever had for sale,
It'll lay your whole damn world to waste, it'll make you fit and hale,
There's nothing that you'll ever taste like Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads,
Three-Oh-Seven Ale.

It started out at M.I.T. one lazy summer day,
When a couple of the frat-boy techies started in to play,
They'd caught up on their schedule with a couple hours to kill,
So they fitted up the cyclotron and made themselves a still.

(chorus)

They added choice ingredients to brew a little brew,
But they didn't know the wires were crossed in Chamber Number Two.
A tiny bit of space got folded, things were looking queer --
They turned the spout and then came out the world's first Hyper-Beer.

(chorus)

It bubbled and it burbled and it glowed a fizzly green,
And what it did to test equipment, frankly, was obscene.
It took awhile to find a vial it wouldn't burst to flame,
Then they measured out its potency, and that's how it was named.

(slower)
There's many drinks you'll drink, me lads, but this one beats them all:
One hundred fifty-three and one-half percent alcohol,
A beer, brewed in a tesseract, that'll shoot you through the roof --
And if you don't believe me, I've got lots and lots of proof.

(final chorus)
Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads, Three-Oh-Seven Ale,
The finest drink that any bar has ever had for sale,
It'll lay your whole damn world to waste, it'll make you fit and hale,
It sticks to your mouth like library paste,
With a stronger kick than toxic waste,
There's nothing that you'll ever taste
Like Three-Oh-Seven Ale!
Track Name: Rocket Ride
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide,
Nothing worth doing that I haven't tried.
There ain't no living on planet-side,
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Three point one four!

How many cities crumble into dust
At the first atomic attack?
How many self-aware, wise, and just
Computers will we have to hack?

How many supercars will turn to rust
'Cause we don't have a spare or a jack?
Give me technology we can trust,
And give it fins like a Cadillac.

I want a shining tower of glass and steel,
A rubber jumpsuit and a freeze-dried meal,
The will to survive, the need to explore,
The love of adventure, who could ask for more?

I want you, baby, right by my side,
Help me get out before my brain is fried.
The stars are waiting, so big and wide,
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.

How many demons out in cyberspace
Will possess every hacker's will?
How many members of a master race
Will come closing in for the kill?

How many xenomorphs will change their face,
And then hunt us down for a thrill?
Give me a villain with style and grace,
And a little bit of fencing skill.

They used to be angular, sneering and bald,
If someone got killed even they were appalled,
They tried to marry the heroine, no thought of rape,
And they sure as hell knew how to wear a cape.

They never tortured, they never lied,
They'd honor a promise if it meant they died.
Let's find a villain with professional pride,
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.

Terminators, Life Force, Robot Jox, Predators,
Lots of things that know how to flense,
Defenestrate 'em out the doors, gimme gimme Star Wars,
Bring back the Children of the Lens.

Puppet Master, Child's Play, Fright Night, Judgment Day,
Jason, Freddy, Michael, and Stripe,
Let Frankenstein, Ardeth Bey, and Kong chase them all away,
The Movie Snatchers' pods are overripe.

I want more than action and special effects,
To think about what might happen next,
A hero, not a weapons shop with pecs,
A heroine, not an excuse for sex.

I want a bubble helmet matting down my hair,
The ground giving way to the open air,
The joy and wonder as I head out there,
And I know I can have it, if I only dare.

How many bodybuilding macho jerks
Will blow everything full of holes?
How many imitation Captain Kirks
Will spill beer on the ship's controls?

How many stupid personality quirks
Will we see instead of souls?
Give me my baby and a ship that works,
And give us the starring roles.

I want to cruise the galaxy at FTL,
Pursuing Heaven and defying Hell,
I want to do everything that a man can do,
And I want to do it all out there with you.

Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide,
Nothing worth doing that I haven't tried.
There ain't no living on planet-side,
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.

Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide,
Nothing worth doing that I haven't tried.
There ain't no living on planet-side,
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.