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Holy Crap, A New Album

by Tom Smith

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1.
Buddy you’re a boy, got your Nerf guns, playing in the Street with your Frisbee and a baseball glove You got slime on your face, hot wheels race, With Major Matt Mason you’re going to space. Weebles, weebles wobble Weebles, weebles wobble Buddy you’re a young man, grown into a connoisseur Of collectible Lego sets, You got eleven or twelve Tolkien elves, and D&D hardcovers straining your shelves Weebles, weebles wobble Gollum, Dobby, Hoggle Buddy you’re an old man, poor man, but they’ll have to Pry your lightsaber from your cold dead hands You got woad on your face, no living space, But so much cool stuff in all those crates. Archie, Dark Horse, Marvel She-ra, Twilight Sparkle Starscream’s lost his marbles Xenomorph’s gone larval.... I’ve paid my dues with technology, I ran my kitchen with an Apple 2e. But ordinary folks still call me a nerd But the nerds are dictating the culture, or haven’t you heard? (Up up down down left right left right B A start) We are the fandoms, my friends, The main demographic that spends, The collectible market, our demand sparked it, Show us the cool merch, ‘cause we are the fandoms... Of the world! Six middle-earth films, Harry Potter’s got ten, Marvel did twenty-two and now with Phase 4 they’ll start over again. We love Shakespeare and Austen, but manga’s sublime, And zombies and kaiju, and SuperWhoLock, it’ll sell every time! (Shut up and take my money, money, money now!) We are the fandoms, my friends, And we dictate cultural trends, Gaiman, McFarlane, media darlings, No boring cop shows,‘cause we are the fandoms... Of the world! We are the fandoms, my friends, And our memes justify the weekends, Imagination will beat stagnation, Now is the future, for we are the fandoms...
2.
307 Lite 02:15
3.
I showed up at this party in the hope of spending time with several People who I like and who I never get to see, But before I even started I was waylaid and now I'm in social Limbo in the corner where you sat down next to me. Up until this moment, I was trying to be polite and smile and Listen as you rattled on and on till you were through, Except that you kept going and there was no end in sight —— on every Topic in creation and how they relate to you. It's rude to scream while fleeing, I wanted to demur, I wanted to escape more gracefully, , But a "wit" is what you're being, With that I must concur. Except I spell it starting with a T. I hate to interrupt your little alternate reality where Everybody's interested in your point of view. I don't like to be abrupt, but I've O.D’d on your banality -- l’d Rather eat a garden weasel than hear more of you. If you absolutely have to keep on talking, just pretend that l am Sitting here, attentive to each little thing you've said. I'm sure that other people walking by will be more friendly and will Ask if you're insane or if you maybe hit your head. That was a party killer, but at last the air is clear, If the universe is kind, l will forget... At last! Someone familiar! Wait a moment, sit right here, Let me tell you all about this guy I met.... I showed up at this party in the hope of spending time with several People who I like and who I never get to see, But before I even started I was waylaid and I was in social Limbo in the corner where he sat down next to me....
4.
Home 03:09
I want a base where I can go, I want a base that you can't throw to, I want a base where I can show you, You ain't gonna catch me, I'm gonna steal Home. I got to First because you walked me, I'm gonna jump around and talk, I'll distract you and you'll balk, I'll Go to Second and be halfway Home. I don't want to wander off the bag, I don't want to give you time to make a tag, I don't want to beat the shortstop, Okay, I kinda wanna beat the shortstop. Anything that you yell goes unheard, I'm rounding Third, I'm gonna make it Home. (counterpoint) You're a little demon, Stop your yellin' and your screamin', If you think I'm gonna put up with this, you're dreamin', Sit there on the couch and don't destroy our home. You're not Mark McGwire, Your base lines are Dad's bailing wire, Don't knock that over, you're gonna start a fire, There's gonna put us in a state-run halfway home. And if you bawl, I guarantee I'll call, they'll come home, see, and haul you off to your bed, All year, you'll be grounded. Anything that you do, I don't care, You'll get it, I swear, when Mom and Dad get home.
5.
It was a typical holodeck fantasy, A lonely red shirt looking for heaven. Alone with Hermione Granger, The hot grown up one from book seven. They were in the forbidden forest, Looking for the Weasley’s car that could fly. It was the only back seat to make out in Between Hogwarts and Privet Drive. Then along came several centaurs, And they shot him through the heart, So the holodeck, it shut right down, And the red shirt hit restart. They thought they heard the rumbling Of an engine through the trees, But it was only Fluffy, the dog Whose bad breath came in threes And he grabbed the red shirt in his jaws And ripped his flesh apart, And the holodeck, it shut right down, And the red shirt hit restart. They heard a bunch of clicking That could have been some gears, Until they saw the spider webs And knew it’d end in tears And the nest of acromantulas, Devoured him with a tart, And the holodeck, it shut right down, And the red shirt hit restart. They heard a big loud crunching Like something breaking wood, But it was just a giant Who couldn’t talk so good. And Grawp, Hagrid’s half-brother, He threw him like a dart, And the holodeck, it shut right down, And the red shirt hit restart. They heard a crazy hissing, Like a too-hot engine gets, But then they found the back door to The Chamber of Secrets. And he met the gaze of the basilisk And had to go on the cart, And the holodeck, it shut right down, And the red shirt hit restart. At last they found that flying car And the red shirt said “Let’s do it” But Hermione said “You must be mad, Do I look like Molly Prewitt?” And Hermione got out of there, For him, she was too smart And the holodeck, it shut right down, And the red shirt got some Kleenex And went to his bunk to... restart.
6.
I remember all those years ago, The worst kind of reality show Was broadcast live in color, and I couldn’t look away. Three thousand people died in fire, Our greatest height their funeral pyre, And people round the world said “We’re all Americans” that day. But then an Act of Patriots began eroding rights, And now we empty bottles and take shoes off before flights, Our “leaders” went before the world and lied us into war, I think along the way we all forgot what this was for. And I want to be America again, I want to be land of the free, with good will towards all men, I want the days of Nine-Twelve back, or better yet Nine-Ten I want to be America again. I remember when the ones in power Said “Don’t ask why they bombed the Towers, They’re terrorists, they’re evil, and that’s all you need to know”. But nothing’s done without a cause, Turns out for years we’ve broken laws To steal their resources and to make the oil flow. We treat their lands and people like the pieces in a game, To help the rich get richer, and without a hint of shame. There’s no way it can justify the way we were attacked, But if someone did that to you, wouldn’t you want to hit back? And I want to be America again, I want to be home of the brave, on which folks can depend, We’ve made so many hate us, but I’d rather be their friend, I want to be America again. We’re told we are exceptional, and maybe that was true, The Greatest Generation saved the world in World War Two. We fought racism and poverty, and tried to set things right. But now nobody bothers, like it isn’t worth the fight. We’re just like all the others, we work until we die, Don’t take care of each other, don’t question, don’t ask why, Just sing the song, salute the flag, avert your eyes, and pray. Well, I refuse to bow to that, there is another way. So eighteen years on, here we are, Not long at all, and yet so far From that ideal nation I believed in as a child. We live with hate, we die in fear, We lose more freedoms year by year, While those we chose to lead us do it to us with a smile. I’m sick of folks being hated for their gender or their creed, I’m sick of everything being done for stupid, petty greed, I’m sick of always being at war, of living life in fear, If we’re so damned exceptional, then we can start right here And make America America again, Stop corporations making wastelands of our verdant glens, Stop letting public servants tell us who are the boogeymen, Stop short-term profiteers dictating how and where and when. Let’s make America America again, The land of opportunity, like we thought it was back then, For we can make a better world, and if not now, then when? I want to be America again. I want to be America again.
7.
Kwisatz haderach, Kwisatz haderach, Kwisatz haderach, we’re breeding superman to be our god. Kwisatz haderach, Kwisatz haderach, Kwisatz haderach, we’re breeding superman to be our god. Don’t wanna be a religious leader, manipulated to be a breeder, Although revenge for my dad is sweeter than a planet full of spice. Don’t wanna have me a terrible purpose, just wanna kill Harkonnen usurpers, And then my Fremen will shed their burqas and we’ll make Dune paradise. Kwisatz haderach, Kwisatz haderach, Kwisatz haderach, we’re breeding superman to be our god. Kwisatz haderach, Kwisatz haderach, Kwisatz haderach, we’re breeding superman to be our god. For fifty years now we’ve had a franchise, with all the good guys against the bad guys, We start as Fremen revolt and uprise till they rule the worlds of men. What was a tale so environmental became a church that was too judgemental, I’d rather have lots of work that’s dental than to read those books again. Kwisatz haderach, Kwisatz haderach, Kwisatz haderach, we’re breeding superman to be our god....
8.
Lazarus Long 04:02
Met a man, dressed like a space marine, Virginia was his lover, Had a rocket in his left hand and a bottle in the other He said “I have lived a thousand years, that’s why they call me Long, I’ve picked up some things along the way, let’s put ‘em in a song.” He said, “Living’s our main job, specialization is for insects, Human beings are more flexible, and we need different skill sets. Any one of us can step up when it’s time to seize the day, There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch, but there’s lots of ways to pay. Lazarus Long said hit the road, we’ve got a long long way to go, You’re gonna live, you’re gonna die, what you do in between is why, You’ll do things wrong, then do ‘em right, learn a new thing every night, Build a wall, butcher a hog, Pitch manure, conn a ship, Write a sonnet, learn to love, Make a friend, you’re a human, rise above. One of the / joys in life is happiness / at the joy of others, If you get / help, then pay it forward, we’ve all got to help each other. And you’ve / found the key to love and as a person you have grown When / someone else’s happiness is essential to your own. Lazarus Long said hit the road, we’ve got a long long way to go, You’re gonna live, you’re gonna die, we ain’t perfect but we try, Just be strong, don’t forget if you’re not dead you’re not done yet, Join a team, act alone, Cook a meal, set a bone, Change a diaper, learn consent, Be a friend, you’re a human, represent. When you get as old as I am, there’s a certain way of seeing, Just how far we’ve come and have to go to be best at human being Progress comes from lazy people trying to just get something done, And pessimists are right more often, but optimists have more fun. Find your own Glory Road, we’ve got a long long way to go, You’re gonna live, you’re gonna die, you can crawl or you can fly, And if you still don’t have a clue, I’ll draw a diagram for you: Change a diaper, make a plan, Butcher a hog, conn a ship, Design a building, write a poem, Balance books, build a wall, Set a bone, say goodbye, Take an order, take command, Join a team, act alone, Solve for X, see what’s wrong, Pitch manure, code an app, Cook a meal, fight a war, Die with honor, we’ve all got scars, Wear yours proudly, we are human, to the stars.
9.
On a dark desert highway Hot ash in my hair Warm smell of volcanoes, We could chew on the air. Up ahead in the distance I saw a shimmer of heat My head grew heavy and the sights were grim, Burned the hair off my feet There’s She-Lob in the doorway, Webs and chittering fangs, And I was thinking to myself That I’d actually prefer orc gangs Then she bit mister Frodo, And she dragged him away There were goblins out of Barar Dur, I thought I heard them say: Welcome to the Mordor Bed and Breakfast Such a lovely place, drop him on his face Plenty of room at the Mordor Bed and Breakfast, Any time of year, they’ve prepared a bier. Their menu’s nifty and twisted, They’ve got the best hobbit hash And their bangers-and-mash plate Is really banged up and mashed Held a rave in the courtyard, Foul orcish air Some drink for a reason Most drink ‘cause it’s there So I snuck past the watchmen, All passed out from wine, They won’t have a proper 1420 till 1969. And Smeagol’s voice is callin’ from Far away Piece of crap led us right into a trap, I thought I heard him say Welcome to the Mordor Bed and Breakfast, Such a lovely place, such a blasted waste Dyin’ alone at the Mordor Bed and Breakfast, From the Uruk-hai, under Sauron’s eye Mirror of Galadriel Coulda warned of this jail, We were both just prisoners there, It was time to bail, We got inside Orodruin, Frodo put on the ring, But then Gollum bit his finger off And brought down the whole damn thing. Last thing I remember, I was floating on a rock Thinking ‘bout the girl back home As me and Frodo ran out the clock. “Just relax,” said a nice man, It was Gandalf on giant birds. And now I’d sing to you the final chorus -- But I don’t know the words.
10.
If life’s a sunny day, I’m in a Cat 5 thunderstorm, My fridge died, all my food’s gone bad, and all my beer is warm. My girlfriend up and left me, she said I was a jerk, I lost my job, and now I have to reimburse my work. My mom and dad disowned me, I brought the family shame, The grandpa I’m named after said he’s taking back his name. My friends have all abandoned me, none of ‘em said a word, And now, on top of that, ol’ Elon Musk flipped me the bird. My self driving pickup left today, It didn’t like my destination, and it refused to play, I turned my back for seven seconds, and it drove away. My self driving pickup left today. My daddy’s guitar broke its strings, so I can’t sing the blues, My momma’s big ol’ tabby cat threw up inside my shoes (While I was still wearing ‘em. I have no idea how she did that.) My comic book collection all got soaked in burning lard, And Google, Lyft, and Uber hoisted me on their petard. My self driving pickup left today, I’m living in the ultimate bad country song cliche, No moonlit nights, no beer, no blondes, how’d things work out this way? My self driving pickup left today. The apple tree beneath which I had my first kiss is gone, A back hoe ripped it out, then dug up my entire lawn. And my golden retriever, my friend since childhood, Was in the backseat with my ex when that truck took off for good. My self driving pickup left today, I’ve still got thirty payments left, what will my dealer say? I guess I’ll have to move on, but things should be okay, The flying one should be here Saturday.
11.
I’m just a harmless necromancer, Okay, that isn’t quite true, But I’m in control of my immortal soul, And I pose no threat to you. I just like playing with dead things, Maybe bringing them back for awhile, I’m a social misfit, but you’ve got to admit I’ve got my own certain style. Oh, you noticed my legs are skeletal? Just bones, no meat or skin? Nothing else in my pants, but I still can dance... Now let my tale begin. I was your average necro beginner, Digging up graves, looking for parts, Learning all the rules that the medical schools Leave off the anatomy charts. One day I hit the wrong graveyard, It was thoroughly occupied, Something bit each leg, and I started to beg, I thought I was zombified. So I ran back to my laboratory, Before my legs ran out of steam, But the rot had begun, I cut ‘em off one by one, Then passed out before I could scream. When I come to, I was... kinda proud, I’d kept myself from bleeding out, But my legs were there, I couldn’t help but stare As they tried to shuffle on out. Well, I grabbed those refugees and flensed ‘em, To get rid of that zombie decay, Proceeded to dice up a few white mice, In a ritualistic way. Da leg bone connected to da... hip bone, The other one set up too, And I was walking again, just like other men, If you ignored the damn voodoo. So now I’m the Dancing Necro, Say hey when I come to town, I’ll astaire like Fred while I raise your dead, You can’t keep a good man down. On top of that, I’ll kill all your rats Better than that Hamelin dude, Just a couple rodent bones keep my two legs goin’, And keep me in a dancin’ mood. So if you got a zombie problem, I’ll set my kettle to boil, Just a little voodoo and that old soft shoe And I’ll shuffle ‘em off this mortal coil!
12.
13.
I am living on a satellite, Watching awful movies every night. Making fun of them is merriment, For it's all a grand experiment. But I must say something isn't right, There's a lack of proper oversight, And the two main people I can thank: Doctor Forrester and TV's Frank. Down in Deep Thirteen they plot a way They can bludgeon all our thought away. And for me they couldn't give a fig, For they use me as their guinea pig. If a film destroys my sanity, They'll unleash it on humanity. So I have to blend an iron will With the wit and shtick of Benny Hill! It's good I've got these robots here To help me with this task, I don't think I could make it all alone, They're something that's quite bracing a- Bout sitting on your ass In the darkness making fun of Sly Stallone! Dr. F. and Frank will calibrate What we think of Manos: Hands of Fate. They deprive me of my oxygen Unless Endless Love I watch again. One sadistic day they made us see Glitter, Wild Wild West, and then Gigli. How I long for something erudite, And for getting off this satellite! I am living on a satellite, And for all the world I have to fight, For if any of these films get out, Dr. F would win, I have no doubt. But if I'm to escape banishment, Deep Thirteen needs some new management, So come on and join the chorus, sir -- Oh my god. It's Kinga Forrester!
14.
Ultima Thule 01:34
Ultima Thule was a blob of rock and ice, And this New Year New Horizons got near, sending pictures that were nice. Six and a half billion kilometers away, So it took some time, but the pics were fine, and they just arrived today. There must have been some iron in the rock because it’s red, No! Exotic ice irradiated by cosmic rays instead. Oh, Ultima Thule, like a snowman out in space, Past our solar system, the most distant thing we’ve seen face to face. Ultima Thule, really two rocks side by side, Moving oh so slow that we kinda know just how gently they’d collide. Ultima Thule, twenty-one miles end to end, All this time it’s dwelt in the Kuiper Belt, now it’s finally got a friend. We hope to find more clues to how our system came to be, ‘Cause unlike here in the interior, there’s much less activity! Oh, Ultima Thule, may your samples prove pristine, Then we’ll learn more ‘bout how we started out, Where we’ll go and where we’ve been!
15.
Wait In Line 03:44
Every single year, I pre-register to go to the Con, I'm thinking I'll save some time and a little bit of money, too, I snuck out early and pissed off my boss, Driving on the freeway loop I got real lost, Now everyone in this room says, "Hey, I was here ahead of you." Everybody open a book, everybody wait in line, Now you pay the real price for buying ahead of time. Everybody run for supplies, everybody run to the john, Everyone will wait all night to get in the Con. Trapped in a corridor with a Wookiee and a Klingon sideshow, Somewhere near the Seventh Circle of the Dealer's Room, We were lined up alphabetically, until somebody reversed the polarity, At least I've got my laptop -- I've got time to play through all of Doom. Everybody open a vein, everybody wait in line, New and different forms of pain, every year refined. Everybody show your I.D., everybody ready to play, Why can't this be in the room with the Anime? Dictate a memo to myself, Next time bring a La-Z-Boy and a portable bookshelf, I'll pitch a tent, I'll hack the 'Net, I'll use the Force, Two folks behind me met, got married, then divorced, In due course -- Finally in sight of the badges and convention handouts, I try to take three deep breaths, but these fanboys haven't heard of soap, Frustration, chaos, anarchy, broken computers, closed-in spaces, and humidity -- I haven't had this much fun since that fender-bender with the Pope. Everyone read Game Of Thrones, everybody wait in line, Now you pay the real price for buying ahead of time. Everybody run for supplies, everybody run to the john, Everyone will wait all night to get in the, Everyone will wait all night to get in the, Everyone will wait all night to get in the Con.
16.
17.
Haul out the holly, It’s time for Santa to re... ward the nicer kids ‘n’ Punish the folly Of the naughty ones and... all the things they did Wrong. ‘Cause we need a little Krampus Right this very minute, He knows you’ve been bad and There’s no way you can spin it There’s an awful lot of trouble And you’re hip-deep in it You’ll wish for Scrooge’s type of haunting, You’ve been judged and you’re found wanting Half goat, half demon With a big long tongue and... birch to switch you with Please stop the screamin’ It only makes him angry, you wouldn’t like him that way For he’s grown a little leaner, Grown a little colder, Grown a little meaner, He don’t care that you’re older, If you end up on his list, he’ll Dislocate your shoulder, We need a little Krampus now! Haul out the bodies, Forget the lists this year, and... we’ll get all of ‘em, Kids nice and naughty, We’ll flog and maim and torment... from Thanksgiving through Lent. And we need a little Krampus For each unruly toddler, Making up for parents Who spoil him or coddle her Yeah, we need a little Krampus, Like craft beer needs a bottler, Like an evil cattle drover, MOVE IT CLAUS, I’M TAKING OVER! Crawl up the chimney Dragging the kids all shackled... in my chains of iron, Cel... e... brate grimly, I’ll make Jack Skellington look like... he’s not tryin’ at All. For we need a little terror, Need a little shrieking, To contrast with the bearers Of Jesus’s gifts, the three kings, So, if you hear something downstairs, Don’t you dare go peeking, We need a little Krampus -- [Those carols you were humming?] For kids, adults, and grandpas -- [SANTA ISN’T COMING!] We need a little Kram... pus... Now! [evil laugh]
18.
The realms of science fiction and fantasy are vast But they have to be discovered, then strong enough to last Some creators can’t compete, some can merely fudge it, But now and then there’s one so sweet, he does it on a budget. Stalking the night fantastic, where the supernatural waits. Faster than light in the amazing year twenty four forty eight. Beach Bunny Bimbos, Murderhoof, and Duck Wars are all his, No one’s sure how he does it, he’s not rich -- except he is. He helped us to be worthy of adventure on the fringe. Of stories, there’s no dearth, he went on a writing binge. The architect and sculptor of tales we’ve never heard, Some gods create with cosmic power, this one uses words. He led us in Incursion, opened up Bureau 13, Each game another version of realities he’s seen. How far he’ll go, we cannot know, and cannot really quiz, How can he even afford it, he’s not rich... -- except he is. One day he was gone, but while we miss him we don’t grieve. His legacy, a billion worlds of fun and make-believe. We share them all together, and remember when we do The big old guy who took us there and shared them with us too. Stalking the night fantastic, where the supernatural waits. Faster than light in the amazing year twenty four forty eight. So much joy given to us, by this one computer whiz, No one knows how he did it, he’s not rich -- except he is.
19.
Here I am on my Facebook page, talkin’ bout something I like, Somethin’ that gives me pleasure, that makes my dopamine spike. Then along comes this troll boy sayin’ it’s somethin’ he hates, Doesn’t even go into detail -- man, you messed with the Fates. Don’t chill my thrill, don’t piss my bliss, Don’t yuck my yum, don’t stress my bless, Don’t poop my boop, don’t stop my bop, Don’t sad my glad, don’t stomp my bomp. Don’t you come in, try to destroy things, You can’t let people enjoy things, Well, my friend, you get the trebuchet -- Dude, don’t harsh my squee. I mention a movie that I love, an actor I respect, A book, a game, a restaurant, this moron calls it dreck. He doesn’t give a reason, he assumes we know he’s right, Well, let me straighten you out, my friend, it’s time for a virtual flight. Don’t chill my thrill, don’t piss my bliss, Don’t yuck my yum, don’t stress my bless, Don’t poop my boop, don’t stop my bop, Don’t sad my glad, don’t stomp my bomp. You’re nothin’ but a drive-by drudge With a heart of ice and a brain of sludge, For that you go right out the do’-- Dude, don’t harsh my squee. Your little corner of the ‘Net can find itself defiled, By smartass guys who don’t disguise they think they’re Oscar Wilde, I’ve got more important things to do than argue with a troll You think your shit is actually wit, and your pointless hate is droll. So if you see a Facebook post with which you don’t agree, Here’s a little safety tip goin’ out to you from me. Your argument’s a sucking chest wound that you’d better staunch, Or else I’ll crank the trebuchet and fuckin’ launch your haunch. Don’t chill my thrill, don’t piss my bliss, Don’t yuck my yum, don’t stress my bless, Don’t poop my boop, don’t stop my bop, Don’t sad my glad, don’t stomp my bomp. Don’t ploy my joy, don’t flay my play, Don’t troll my droll, don’t quibble my tribble, With a single click, you proved you’re a dick -- Dude, don’t harsh my squee. You’ll believe a man can fly, then land -- Dude, don’t harsh my squee. I got things to do, none o’ them are you -- Dude, don’t harsh my squee.
20.
The rumor goes, or so they say, Uncle Walter wasn’t buried in the usual way. The man is dead, yeah, that’s a fact -- But some people say he wants to come back. Disney on ice, Disney on ice, It would be very nice If Walt Disney were on ice. They say he’s buried out at Forest Lawn, So I went there with a shovel underneath my arm. I asked the guard, Please let me in, he said, “Not by the hair o’ your chinny chin chin”, because -- "Disney's on ice, Disney's on ice, It would be paradise If Walt Disney were on ice." Now, if Walt is really in that state of hibernation, That means the king of cartoons is in suspended animation. I know what you’re thinking, he’s some frigid fellow -- He’s cold now, but he was hot for Funicello. Disney on ice, Disney on ice, It would be so incredibly bitchin’ To open the freezer in your kitchen....
21.
Face Hugger 03:48
There’s a movement, Coming closer, It’s a mammal, all hairy, but wearing thick plastic, Unwise but still wary, this calls for some drastic Attraction, Something subtle, Let my pod open slow, like an agonized flower, Curiosity grows and the prey’s in my power And then faster than he has a chance to regret, With no introduction, we’re forcibly met, And then, with a kiss that he’ll never forget, My lover and I are now one. For my lover you are, without question or doubt, I know you completely, both inside and out, And don’t bother screaming, not even a shout, The breath in your breast is my own. I circle your throat like an amulet’s chain, Dulling your senses and numbing your pain, Easing the loneliness, ending the pain, Where the seeds of my new life are sown. There’s a movement, Coming closer, Rising up to the surface, just under the skin, Moving steady and sure, facing life with a grin, Very cautious, Very patient, Building power like gathering castles of sand, Reluctant to let any slip through its hand. It no longer needs any help from its hive, There’s nothing to pause it, it can’t help but thrive, So why must my lover and I stay alive When we’ve done what we set out to do? There’s something that’s happening deep in my breath, Some instinct that’s pulling me closer to death... But if I knew happiness, happy I’d be, For something will always remain here of me.... And I don’t even feel the touch when it comes, To pluck me away from the hammering drums Of the heart of my lover, who thinks that it’s done.... What a shame I can’t tell him... It’s only begun....
22.
Trash Panda 02:28
Hangin' off the back of a garbage van, Trash panda headed for the promised land. Takin' my place in the heavenly plan, Trash panda headed for the promised land. Well, I’m a raccoon, and you know, I know There’s a special place that I’ll get to go. When my time is come I’m gonna make that jump To that big truck headed for the city dump. Hangin' off the back of a garbage van, Trash panda headed for the promised land. Chicken McNuggets in my hand, Trash panda headed for the promised land. Can’t wait to see all my forest friends, They’ll be nibblin’ on carrots and bread loaf ends Rotisserie chicken bones, old Big Macs, And dropped ice cream cones just for snacks. Hangin' off the back of a garbage van, Trash panda headed for the promised land. Saint Peter’s runnin’ the hot dog stand, Trash panda headed for the promised land. Pigeons and seagulls and street rats, too, It’s an animal delinquent petting zoo. There’s nothin’ to worry ‘bout, nothin’ to fear, But we’d appreciate you bringin’ that sandwich here. Hangin' off the back of a garbage van, Trash panda headed for the promised land. No more fightin’ with a bag or a can, Trash panda headed for the promised land. Well, I’m goin’ there up on that mighty day, Where the streets are paved with Chick-Fil-A. They’ll be Five Guys waitin’ to take my hand, And a kiss from Wendy in the promised land. Hangin' off the back of a garbage van, Trash panda headed for the promised land. Take my place in the heavenly plan, Trash panda headed for the promised land. Hangin' off the back of a garbage van, Trash panda headed for the promised land. Take my place in the heavenly plan, Trash panda headed for the promised land.

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This title of the album is inspired by the fact that I hadn't updated a bunch of these Patreon tracks to Bandcamp, and when I did and counted up the total time, I said....

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released March 20, 2020

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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