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Greatest Hits

by Tom Smith

The land is burning and dry under hot desert skies. My gut is churning but you won't see fear in my eyes. Nothing to lose as I climb in and look to the roads, Then light the fuse of the cannon, which promptly explodes. The blast sends me skyward and into free fall, With one final thought as I head towards the wall: I'll get that Road-Runner if it's the last thing I do. If Murphy's Laws are religion, I must be a saint. What else explains semis bursting from tunnels I paint? A thousand Rube Goldberg nightmares lie smashed in my garage -- How many falling pianos can that damn bird dodge? From magnetic birdseed to dynamite darts, I could buy General Mills with what I spend on parts, But I'll get that Road-Runner if it's the last thing I do. I should forget it, he's not big enough for a stew. My line of credit with Acme is ten years past due. Got no insurance, I can't sign for claims with my paws. In vile durance for breaking most EPA laws. But my super genius will deal with that dunce, Remember that I have to win only once, And I'll get him someday -- perhaps I should try something new. My canyon compactor was perfect to echo my screams. My backpack reactor worked fine, until I crossed the beams. My bomb extender snapped back with the lit TNT. My flying blender was just a tad quicker than me. But I'm smarter, I'm stronger, and he's only fast, Let's hear him "beep beep" with his head up his ass, And I'll get that Road-Runner if it's the last thing I do! (spoken) .... Eureka! That's it! EARTHQUAKE PILLS!!
500 Hats 03:25
When I wake up, well, I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be as poor as when I went to bed. When I go out, well, I know I'm gonna have, I'm gonna have this feathered cap upon my head. Go to market, well, the streets are crowded now, But they're moving back in deference to the King. When I see him, well, I show respect and bow, And take off my hat -- hey! What's wrong with this thing? I might wear five hundred hats, And I might wear five hundred more, But it's insulting to the King, Oh, God, I see him coming o'er. Down in Whoville, all the Whos way down in Whoville, Well, you know they all liked Christmastime a lot. But the Grinch, the Grinch who lived just North of Whoville, Well, you know that nasty Mister Grinch did not. In the Jungle, well, you know, down in the Jungle, A young elephant named Horton hears a call, And that dust speck, that dust speck'll be protected, For a person's a person, no matter how small. I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them, Sam I Am. I do not like them here or there, I do not like them anywhere. Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!) Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!) Bom-badda-dum, badda-dum, badda-dum-badda-da-dadah. Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!) Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!) Bom-badda-dum, badda-dum, badda-dum-badda-da-dadah. When I leave home, I leave home to walk to school, And to think I saw it on Mulberry Street. And the Once-ler, up there lurking in his Lerkim, Watched the Lorax lift himself up by his seat. The Collapsible Frink'll honk a Hinkle-horn, Mister Brown can moo, he must think he's a cow. Where's my moss-covered three-handled family gridunza? You are lucky, did I ever tell you how?... Marvin K. Mooney, will you please go now! And I can lick thirty tigers today, I had trouble getting to Solla Sollew, And I can read with my eyes shut, One fish, two fish, red fish, blue. Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!) Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!) Bom-badda-dum, badda-dum, badda-dum-badda-da-dadah. Yertle Turtle! (Yertle Turtle!) Yertle Turtle! (Yertle Turtle!) Bom-badda-dum, badda-dum, badda-dum-badda-da-dadah. And I can wear five hundred hats, And I can wear five hundred more, And in one hat there'll be a cat -- Oh, thank dear God, my kid's begun to snore.
See the tree, how big it's grown Since I have lived here on my own, And it's been good, Since Christopher began his fun And brought us all to live in Hun- Dred Acre Wood. Well, I came home today to stretch Before the mirror, and then fetch My hunny-pot. Now, I'm a simple-minded bear, But I know there was hunny there, And now there's not. And Hunny, I miss you, You left without a sound, Wait! What's at the bottom? -- Oh, bother. Piglet drowned.
Hush now, my baby, the daylight is done, Your scales catching moonlight instead of the sun, So lay down your head, till the dawn comes anew, For here there be dragons to watch over you. Dream now, my baby, of life in the clouds, Your head held so high and your wings spread so proud, For I know a secret I promise is true, Here there be dragons, and one of them's you. Twelve years, I Grant, was a long time to wait, But I knew you'd get here, I knew it was fate, But sometimes a dragon takes longer to birth, Because, to create them, it takes the whole earth. Within you the fires of Africa glow, The East Asian winds, Scandinavian snow, The mountains, the forests, the rivers, the skies, The whole of creation is there in your eyes. Hush now, my baby, and dream how you will, You have your whole life for your dreams to fulfill, And don't be afraid of the things you dream of, For here there be dragons, below and above, You're a dragon, you're life... You're a dragon, you're love.
The curse of my existence is the "heroes" (or, if you like, just "movies") that I see, And I can't do much for them not doing very much for me. I can't identify with Magnum, P or I -- Schwarzenegger, Harrison Ford, and Michael Douglas leave me bored. Mel Gibson is too rugged, Matthew Broderick's too cute, Clint Eastwood is so cocky, I could punch him in the snoot. No, I'll look back in time to a gentleman sublime, Whose wit and style are seldom mentioned -- (in Lorre voice) -- But never failed to attract attention! When I grow up, I want to be Peter Lorre, I want to snivel and sneer in a nasal whine. I want to cring and curse, and maybe threaten worse -- (in Lorre Voice) -- And if that doesn't work, I've got a laugh that'll petrify your spine! Who wants to be a handsome, stuffy playboy? Who wants to face the bad guys all alone? The last thing that I need is to be a romantic lead, I want to grow up to be Peter Lorre and steal the girl for my own! When I grow up, I want to be Peter Lorre, I'll tell Nemo where Kirk Douglas went to hide. (in Lorre voice) Now, I didn't mind old Kirk, but Ned Land was such a jerk, And between a mad scientist and a jock, who would you want on your side? I want to sell the Bird to Sydney Greenstreet, I want to cheat with Vincent Price's wife, And if I want more kicks, I'll make Mister Moto flicks, I want to grow up to be Peter Lorre and have A Wonderful Life! (in Lorre voice) I could've starred in that, too! (in Lorre voice) When I grow up, I want to be Peter Lorre, I'll stalk the streets of Dusseldorf and Pairee, Waiting for some dame who has no sense of shame To foolishly make that one mistake and hang around with me. I want to whistle music from old operas As I am slowly strangling some pre-teen, I long for days gone by, (in Lorre voice) And that winking, blinking eye, I want to grow up to be Peter Lorre, You pretty boys are gonna be sorry, I'll be the best Peter Lorre you've ever seen! -- Is it too late to audition for "Gollum"? Recent versions of Lines 3-6: Keanu Reeves is one big faker -- They still give work to Joe Don Baker? Jean-Dolph Seagal-enegger keeps on cranking out those thrill-'ems, Bruce Willis has one problem: he appears in all his fil-ums. The basic plotting's poor -- there are mammals in Dinosaur; Thanks to Hubbard, Travolta's dressed in KISS boots and dredlocks while tongued by Preston. There's ersatz Woody Allen, doing ersatz Raymond Chandler; Grab Tom Green by the ankles, and use him on Adam Sandler....
You say I must be mad, but how can I be mad? You look at what I did and ask me "Why?" Object there was none, passion there was none, I think it must have been his evil eye. That's why every night I shone a little light, I shone it on him through the bedroom door. On the eighth night he woke, and then his neck I broke And I buried him underneath the floor. I cut him apart, I planned it from the start, There wouldn't be evidence to scan, But then I heard his heart, his telly taley heart, Telling everyone I killed the man. (Whooo!) I buried both his legs beneath the garbage dregs, His arms beneath the hanger for his coat. The tub caught the stain, then hid the skull and brain, So now he's got ring-around-the-throat. The police came by here, but what had I to fear? I let 'em in to take a look around, But the longer they stayed, the more my nerves were frayed, And then I heard that cotton-ticking sound. Don't find the heart, the telly taley heart, 'Cause that's the only weakness to my plan, And if you find the heart, the telly taley heart, You'll prob'ly figure out I killed the man. Don't find the heart, the telly taley heart, It's pounding loud enough to beat the band, 'Cause if you find the heart, the telly taley heart, You'll prob'ly figure out I killed the man. (Whooo!)
Most days are like all of the others, Go to work, come back home, watch TV, But, brother, if I had me druthers, I'd chuck it and head out to sea, For I dream of the skull and the crossbones, I dream of the great day to come, When I dump the mundane for the Old Spanish Main And trade me computer for rum! ARRR! T' me, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, It's "Talk Like A Pirate" Day! When laptops are benches God gave us fer wenches, And a sail ain't a low price ta pay! When timbers are shivered and lillies are livered And every last buckle is swashed, We'll abandon our cars for a shipfull of ARRRs And pound back the grog till we're sloshed! Yo ho.... Don't pick up yer phone and say "Hello, Our ten-o-clock meeting's delayed", Ye scrunch up yer face and ye bellow, "AVAST! Ye've been bleedin' BELAYED!" Ye can't keep this fun to yerself, I bet, So sing "Aye!" "ARRR!" "Ayy!" every man! We ain't got much grasp of the alphabet, But a damn good retirement plan! T' me, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, It's "Talk Like A Pirate" Day! Whatever's in fashion is in for a thrashin' And bein' polite is passe! When it's ev'ry man's duty to grab his proud beauty And let out a hearty YO HO! And if this offends you, hold y'r breath as we sends you Ta Davy Jones' Locker ya go! Yo ho.... We'll tell every banker "Heave to and weigh anchor!" Buy latte with pieces of eight We'll fight to be chosen as cap'n or bosun The loser, o' course, is worst mate! When we hoist Jolly Roger, the landlubbers dodge 'er, We fill 'em with loathing and fear, We'll plunder and pillage each city and village, Or at least clean out Wal-Mart of beer! There ain't no computin' or morning commutin', No "Parking Lot Full" signs for me, No lawns ta be mowin' or bills to be owin', I'm knowin' the pull of the sea. The fresh salty brace of the wind on my face Through hurricane, sunshine or squalls, I'm keepin' my eyes on the distant horizon, Verizon can hold all my calls! To wear a red coat full o' buckles, To earn a few duelling scars, Well, at least we can get a few chuckles By filling the office with ARRRs! And maybe we'll never get closer, Than watchin' 'em on the big screen, So here's to old Errol and Depp as Jack Sparrow, And every damn one in between! T' me, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, It's "Talk Like A Pirate" Day! That time in September when sea dogs remember That grown-ups still know how ta play! When wenches are curvy and dogs are all scurvy And a soft-wear patch covers your eye, Ta hell with our jobs, for one day we're all swabs And buccaneers all till we die! So hoist up the mainsils and shut down your brain cells, They only would get in the way, Avast there, me hearty, we're havin' a party, It's "Talk... Like... A Pirate" Day!
Once, in a land far away, on a beautiful day, On a wide grassy knoll, There was a cute little sheep, who was drifting to sleep, When the earth opened up... ... and swallowed him whole! Way down in the fiery lake, Lucifer had a lot at steak, But he wanted some lamb chops instead, and Shari Lewis wasn't dead, So he kidnapped some virgin wool, grabbed its soul and began to pull, But he never thought that the lamb he'd caught Would rebel and then conquer and rule. Now he's Fenton, Lord of the Inferno, Fenton, Demon King of the Dell, Fenton, eyes of flame, breath of Sterno, Fenton, Death Sheep from Hell. BAA-AA-AHH! He's right out of a storybook, but the signs are there if you know to look, Nasty moustache on his face, sheep are tenors, but this one's a bass, It's a nearly complete disguise, except for the fangs and the glowing eyes, If the lion lies down with the lamb, he'll be found In three pieces of varying size. Thanks to Fenton, Overlord of the Ovis, Fen-Tongue, does his breath ever smell. Fenton, chew some parsley or clove-is, Fenton, Death Sheep from Hell. He's a strategist and a conspirer, with a few dozen enemies' lists, And the Weekly World News and Enquirer are afraid to admit he exists. He's a devious mind without equals, and if you're convinced that I'm wrong, Take a look at the various sequels that I'm going to write to this song! Death Sheep from Hell is the first, you see, Who he is, how he came to be, Then it's done, but what can you do To stop the shear terror of Fenton 2? The story would not be complete Without Death Sheep 3: The Last Heart Bleat. Apparently killed, he comes back for more In the savage sequel, Death Sheep 4: Lamb of doom, baa-ba-baa-baa, baa-ba-baa-ba-baa, Lamb of doom, baa-ba-baa-baa, baa-ba-baa-ba-baa. After that one, we get to meet Olga, the one girl sheep to whom he is true, And their lovemaking gets pretty vulgah in Death Sheep 5: Ewe Devil, Ewe! But the forces of goodness are scheming to slay him and bring the world peace, And you'll spend nearly two hours screaming at Fenton 6: Rest in Fleece. And after it's over, he'll be in the cool earth, At rest in the clover... hmm. What is his wool worth? But don't think that Heaven is finally winning -- Watch for Death Sheep 7: A New Baa-Ginning! Starring Fenton, he's a cuddly disaster, Fenton, and I'm hoping he'll sell, Fenton, Dark Prince of the pasture, I'll send Spielberg an offer letter -- If he won't bite, a demonic sweater -- What could be better than Fenton, the Death Sheep from Hell! BAA-AA-AHH!
307 Ale 03:37
There's many drinks you'll drink, me lads, on every world that's new. There's Saurian Brandy, Cranapple Schnapps, and a good old Tullamore Don't. There's Busch and Beck and Bud and Bock and others dark and pale, But I think you'll find the finest kind is Three-Oh-Seven Ale. (chorus) Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads, Three-Oh-Seven Ale, The finest drink that any bar has ever had for sale, It'll lay your whole damn world to waste, it'll make you fit and hale, There's nothing that you'll ever taste like Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads, Three-Oh-Seven Ale. It started out at M.I.T. one lazy summer day, When a couple of the frat-boy techies started in to play, They'd caught up on their schedule with a couple hours to kill, So they fitted up the cyclotron and made themselves a still. (chorus) They added choice ingredients to brew a little brew, But they didn't know the wires were crossed in Chamber Number Two. A tiny bit of space got folded, things were looking queer -- They turned the spout and then came out the world's first Hyper-Beer. (chorus) It bubbled and it burbled and it glowed a fizzly green, And what it did to test equipment, frankly, was obscene. It took awhile to find a vial it wouldn't burst to flame, Then they measured out its potency, and that's how it was named. (slower) There's many drinks you'll drink, me lads, but this one beats them all: One hundred fifty-three and one-half percent alcohol, A beer, brewed in a tesseract, that'll shoot you through the roof -- And if you don't believe me, I've got lots and lots of proof. (final chorus) Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads, Three-Oh-Seven Ale, The finest drink that any bar has ever had for sale, It'll lay your whole damn world to waste, it'll make you fit and hale, It sticks to your mouth like library paste, With a stronger kick than toxic waste, There's nothing that you'll ever taste Like Three-Oh-Seven Ale!
Rocket Ride 05:07
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, Nothing worth doing that I haven't tried. There ain't no living on planet-side, Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride. How many cities crumble into dust At the first atomic attack? How many self-aware, wise, and just Computers will we have to hack? How many supercars will turn to rust 'Cause we don't have a spare or a jack? Give me technology we can trust, And give it fins like a Cadillac. I want a shining tower of glass and steel, A rubber jumpsuit and a freeze-dried meal, The will to survive, the need to explore, The love of adventure, who could ask for more? I want you, baby, right by my side, Help me get out before my brain is fried. The stars are waiting, so big and wide, Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride. Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride. How many demons out in cyberspace Will possess every hacker's will? How many members of a master race Will come closing in for the kill? How many xenomorphs will change their face, And then hunt us down for a thrill? Give me a villain with style and grace, And a little bit of fencing skill. They used to be angular, sneering and bald, If someone got killed even they were appalled, They tried to marry the heroine, no thought of rape, And they sure as hell knew how to wear a cape. They never tortured, they never lied, They'd honor a promise if it meant they died. Let's find a villain with professional pride, Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride. Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride. Terminators, Life Force, Robot Jox, Predators, Lots of things that know how to flense, Defenestrate 'em out the doors, gimme gimme Star Wars, Bring back the Children of the Lens. Puppet Master, Child's Play, Fright Night, Judgment Day, Jason, Freddy, Michael, and Stripe, Let Frankenstein, Ardeth Bey, and Kong chase them all away, The Movie Snatchers' pods are overripe. I want more than action and special effects, To think about what might happen next, A hero, not a weapons shop with pecs, A heroine, not an excuse for sex. I want a bubble helmet matting down my hair, The ground giving way to the open air, The joy and wonder as I head out there, And I know I can have it, if I only dare. How many bodybuilding macho jerks Will blow everything full of holes? How many imitation Captain Kirks Will spill beer on the ship's controls? How many stupid personality quirks Will we see instead of souls? Give me my baby and a ship that works, And give us the starring roles. I want to cruise the galaxy at FTL, Pursuing Heaven and defying Hell, I want to do everything that a man can do, And I want to do it all out there with you. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, Nothing worth doing that I haven't tried. There ain't no living on planet-side, Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, Nothing worth doing that I haven't tried. There ain't no living on planet-side, Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride. Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride. Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride. Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Life is unfair, so they tell me, Because they think I wouldn't know. They only can see a cheap gimmick On their children's favorite show. They say, "Oh, that's just foam and a wire, Attached to a green velvet sleeve, Anyone can do that" -- well, that's true, I suppose, But who else could make them believe? What can I say without you there to guide me? How else am I supposed to give? How can I sing without you there beside me? How else am I supposed to live? You could never just do the expected, I was just an idea in a bog, But you sewed up your dream and we made quite a team, Jim and Kermit, a boy and his frog. It was me, Rolph, and you, but I think that he knew There was something that you and I had. The magic we made just kept growing, And none of it ever was bad. Then came Ernie and Scooter and Gonzo, Doctor Teeth, Cookie Monster, and more. But now all of those voices are silent, And I want to go on... but what for? No one can make me what you did, No one could walk in your shoes, Nothing can make me forget you, But that's not a thing that I'd choose. I can't just let it be over, And you wouldn't want it that way, So I'll stand up and I'll face it, And, though not quite in your voice, I'll say: I will go on without you there to guide me, There's so much more I can give. Whenever I sing, you will be there beside me, As long as I keep you, you'll live. We just wanted to make people happy, I was always much more than your toy. I will never regret and I'll never forget What we had, I'll miss you, Dad, This frog and his boy.


This was intended as a special gift for attendees of the 2015 World Science Fiction Convention -- basically, a bunch of songs my fans have graced with the title "greatest hits". It was live as of Aug 18, 2015. But something went wrong -- I still don't know what -- and no one could access the page. So, I am making this public (so it'll actually work) and available for free for everyone. Thanks so much for supporting me over the years, and hang on, because I'm just getting warmed up.

Hugs and love,
Tom Smith


released February 6, 2016




Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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