Kid Safe

by Tom Smith

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about

An album just for the children of fantasy and science fiction! Imaginary worlds, superheroes, dragons, mad science, diet advice, cute li'l zombies and more! Make friends with a fly, eat anything you want, and let out your inner Dark Princess with this collection of old songs and new by Tom Smith.

credits

released November 13, 2015

All words and music by Tom Smith, except:

"Zombielocks"
Words: Daniel M. Pipe II and Tom Smith
Music: "Lollipop" by Julius Dixson and Beverly Ross

"Dumb Ways To Die"
Words and Music: John Mescall and Ollie McGill

"The Ballad of Gordon"
Words and Music: Ed Robertson and Steven Page

"Dr. Banner's Neighborhood"
Music: "Won't You Be My Neighbor?" by Fred M. Rogers

"500 Hats"
Music: "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" by Craig Reid & Charlie Reid

Zombielocks created by Daniel M. Pipe II. Used with permission.
Like her on Facebook: goo.gl/EXHNPi

Golden Sky Stories is a kid-friendly role-playing adventure game published by Star Line Publishing ( starlinepublishing.com/our-games/golden-sky-stories/ ). They are not affiliated with this project. I just really like the game.

Dumb Ways to Die is a public service announcement campaign by Metro Trains in Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, to promote rail safety. They are not affiliated with this project.

Produced, recorded, and engineered by Tom Smith

Cover art by Lar DeSouza
lartist.com

On the cover (clockwise from top left): Gordon, Iron Stomach, Lumberin' Bunny, Happy Frog and Rhino Beetle, a Shoggoth, three of the little guys who discovered Dumb Ways To Die, Space Squid

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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Track Name: Zombielocks
Zombielocks, Zombielocks
Oh, Zombie-Zombie-Zombie,
Zombielocks, Zombielocks
Oh, Zombie-Zombie-Zombie,
Zombielocks, Zombielocks
Oh, Zombie-Zombie-Zombie,
Zombielocks... Pop!
Ba dum, dum, dum...

Zombielocks is rambling, shambling along.
Zombielocks is singing, a happy song.
She’s the cutest, of the walking dead,
Then Pop! comes off her little head.

Zombielocks, Zombielocks
Oh, Zombie-Zombie-Zombie...

Her little head is tumbling, down the hill it rolls,
Here comes the rest of her, down the knoll.
Chasin’ that cranium down to the sea,
Then Pop! Her leg’s off at the knee!

Zombielocks, Zombielocks
Oh, Zombie-Zombie-Zombie...

Shark has got ahold of her tasty shin,
Poor little Zombielocks just can’t win.
Swimming cross the ocean, chasing that shark.
‘Cause he’s no bite and all bark!

Crawling up on a sandy shore,
Zombielocks is tired and wet and sore.
A Hungry Hyena gets a whiff of her charm.
And Pop! he’s off with Zombie’s arm!

Zombielocks, Zombielocks
Oh, Zombie-Zombie-Zombie...

Chasing through the desert, out of breath,
As if she don’t always feel like death.
Hyena’s on the run and he might get away,
When a Mummy comes to save the day!

Zombielocks is grateful to her Mummy Boy,
Their dead hearts both swell with joy.
Undying love can stand the test of time,
Now, ain’t the two of them just fine?

Zombielocks, Zombielocks
Oh, Zombie-Zombie-Zombie...
Track Name: Rhino Beetle and Happy Frog
Happy Frog and Rhino Beetle,
Together like a haystack and a needle,
Lookin’ for adventure in the Big Wide Wiggly Wood

Weasel and Woodpecker have a plan,
Tryin’ to cause mischief wherever they can,
But Happy and Rhino will make sure it’s all good.

You never know what they’re gonna find,
A fairie circle or a diamond mine,
But it’s gonna be fun, so pull up a log
For Rhino Beetle and Happy Frog!
Track Name: Go Drosophila Go
We come
In through a rip in the window screen
And the good vibrations of the washing machine.
There are kids and a dog but we just can't stop,
There's a ripe banana on the countertop.
And if we had 'em, we'd stuff our cheeks,
There's enough for us to live on for weeks,
If you toss it out, it's too late anyway,
We're here and we're here to stay.

And we're friendly, harmless little tiny flies,
And we're up your nose and in front of your eyes.
Why we keep coming back you'll never know,
Go! Drosophila, go!

Our full name is Drosophila Melanogaster,
And you'll wish you could send us to Madagascar.
The slightest morsel or the smallest drop
Is an invitation to set up shop.
A hot dog bun or a week-old peach
Will be invaded like Omaha Beach.
A potato chip or an orange rind,
Is a big honkin' neon sign.

And you've used enough Lysol to kill Rodan,
But you missed one grape in the garbage can.
Might as well give up, it's the status quo,
Go! Drosophila, go!

In genetics research, we're a plus,
We've got big DNA and we breed like us.
We could've had a science career, it's true,
But we'd rather hang around right here with you!

We don't understand why you're afraid of flies,
'Cause you're only a billion times our size.
We're as big as the dot on the letter "i",
But you flail like Frankenstein when we come by,
Bring your sticky paper, your Off and Raid,
We were already dying and our eggs are laid,
You'll think you're finally rid of us when
It starts all over again!

Just abandon your kitchen when we come to play,
You didn't need those calories anyway,
Nyeah-nyeah nyeah nyeah-nyeah nyeah nyeah, you're too slow,
Go! Drosophila, go!
Go! Drosophila, go!
Go! Drosoph-
Track Name: Dumb Ways To Die
Set fire to your hair
Poke a stick at a grizzly bear
Eat medicine that's out of date
Use your private parts as piranha bait

[Chorus:]
Dumb ways to die
So many dumb ways to die
Dumb ways to di-ie-ie
So many dumb ways to die

Get your toast out with a fork
Do your own electrical work
Teach yourself how to fly
Eat a two-week-old un-refrigerated pie

[Chorus]

Invite a psycho-killer inside
Scratch a drug dealer's brand new ride
Take your helmet off in outer space
Use a clothes dryer as a hiding place

[Chorus]

Keep a rattlesnake as a pet
Sell both your kidneys on the Internet
Eat a tube of superglue
I wonder, what's this red button do?

[Chorus]

Dress up like a moose during hunting season
Disturb a nest of wasps for no good reason
Stand on the edge of a train station platform
Drive around the boom gates at a level crossing
Run across the tracks between the platforms

They may not rhyme but they're quite possibly
The dumbest ways to die
The dumbest ways to die
The dumbest ways to di-ie-ie-ie
So many dumb
So many dumb ways to die

Be safe around trains... a message from Metro
Track Name: Cast Iron Stomach
Habanero hummus with Scotch Bonnets on the side,
Anchovies and roadkill dipped in broken glass and fried,
Donuts soaked in pickle juice with old banana peel,
Year-old cake with Gummi Worms and some worms that are real,
Dusty rusty carpet tacks with carpet still attached,
Eggs that aren't cooked, and two or three that nearly hatched,
Sludge from off the tires when my Mom drove into town,
Gimme lots of ketchup, 'cause the whole thing's going down!

I've got a cast iron stomach, I can eat anything,
A cast iron stomach, I'm the eating-stuff king,
Chicago deep dish pizza or a Buffalo wing,
Your Grandma's favorite custard or an old tire swing,
I've got a cast iron stomach, stuff you wouldn't believe,
And there's nothing you can give me that'll make me heave,
What can't I achieve, my cast iron stomach and me.

It started with a dare to drink some milk two days too old,
I kicked it back and liked it even though it wasn't cold,
And then I had a caterpillar on a paper plate,
And washed it down with Gatorade, hot glue, and Quaker State,
No matter what they handed me, it went down like a shot,
A part off someone's Buick, or a hanky wet with snot,
I smile and devour and gain not one calorie,
Steve Don't Eat It! and Benchilada ain't got nothin' on me.

And my cast iron stomach has the scientists mad,
They don't know how I can do it -- hey, too bad, so sad,
I nibble on plutonium, it's totally rad,
My hero's Tenzil Kim (that's Matter Eater Lad),
I'll be rich and famous with my digestive feats,
To heck with Harry Potter -- meet The Boy Who Eats,
It's gonna be sweet, my cast iron stomach and me.

Until I woke one morning and my stomach made a noise,
Like zombies and Godzilla singing with the Backstreet Boys.
I spent an hour bringing up what all went down the hatch,
Don't go in there without a gas mask till I light a match.
As quickly as it came, my super stomach went away,
And stupid normal boring food is all I eat all day,
And now the problem is I've got to get it through my skull:
I can't eat something crazy just 'cause normal food is dull.

My noncast iron stomach, I'm a regular kid,
Like Darth Vader with the Jedi, betrayed me, it did,
Now no more bugs or moldy rocks or undercooked squid,
No more eating everything, my quo pro is quid,
I miss my superpower, but I guess it's all right,
If it means I won't be stuck in the potty all night,
Pickled pork lips? Mm -- one bite, my cast iron stomach and me.
Track Name: Lumberin' Bunny
Bunny come lumberin' out the trees,
Eatin' up everything Bunny sees,
Grass and carrots, quick as you please,
Slathered in mayo and cheddar cheese.

Lumberin' Bunny ain't like the other buns,
Lumberin' Bunny weighs seven tons
Lumberin' Bunny, he loves to eat,
But he can't see his own lucky rabbit's feet.

Bunny love to nibble when he gets the chance,
But show him bunny kibble, he looks askance,
Give Bunny pizza, he starts to dance,
Every two weeks Bunny buys new pants.

Lumberin' Bunny, quiet as a quake,
Lumberin' Bunny, the meadow starts to shake,
Lumberin' Bunny watches right and left
But he's happiest watching Iron Cheft.

Never ate a salad or a sandwich,
Not when there was barbecue around,
As he emptied out his larder, didn't notice how much harder
It was to get off the ground.

Bunny finally got so big
The spider next door made a web: "SOME PIG"
So Bunny finally changed his tune,
And works out with Richard Simmons every afternoon.

Exercisin' Bunny, movin' with the groove,
Weight-watchin' Bunny, watch his health improve,
Jazzercizin' Bunny, doing everything right --
But he still gets a pizza every Friday night.
Track Name: Giant Monster
I'm gonna make me a giant monster, that's what I'm gonna do.
He'll have one big eye, he'll stomp and fly and maybe breathe fire too.
He'll be as tall as the Cannon Ball at Six Flags Over Kalamazoo,
With a taste for brains and human remains and Bolognese ragu.
The lab's all ready, lookin' great,
Now which of my pets should I recreate...?

Don't wanna use the puppy, he'll poop everywhere.
Don't wanna use the guppy, he'll run out of air.
Don't wanna use the gerbil, gerbils eat their young.
Don't wanna use the turtle, turtles have been done.
My sister's kitten's asleep with her dolls,
Well, look out, Mittens, Mad Science calls....

Strapped him to the table -- I'll eventually heal. No pain!
Hooked him up to the cable, I'll make him go insane.
Wires and electrodes, steel wool for hair,
Two big honkin' neckbolts, Kitty's loaded for bear.
Vitamins with iron, and Miracle Gro,
Now plug him in, and here we go!

Look at Kitty growing, fifty feet tall at least!
It's so cool knowing I created this beast.
Of course, he ain't been fed yet -- don't look at me like that....
I lose my shoes and headset running from a giant cat.
You stupid boy, what will it do?
I must destroy this thing I grew!

I'm gonna make another giant monster, that's what I'm gonna do...
Track Name: Dr. Banner's Neighborhood
Well, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry, but
I'm never gonna get angry, at
My neighbor... be my neighbor...
I've been overexposed to gamma rays,
And once in a while I might go crazy,
Neighbor... be my neighbor.

I may sometimes overreact to things, might be rash,
But I promise you, I'll be your friend, and never smash you...

The Leader, The Rhino, and General Ross
May bomb your driveway, but they'll pay the cost,
Because you're mine, if you are mine,
Won't you be my neighbor.
Won't you please... won't you please...
PLEASE WON'T YOU BE HULK'S NEIGHBOR?
PUNY NEIGHBOR.
Track Name: Theme From Space Squid
From the other side of the galaxy,
Came a U.F.O. as big as could be,
Out came a giant cephalapod,
Wearing blue spandex on his bod

He said, "All your hostilities, cease!
I'm not an enemy, I come in peace,
I am here to save you from
The deadly menaces yet to come."

He can fight, he can fly,
He always says "do or die",
He's... Space Squid, and he's come here to save the world!

So our hero, the Mollusk of Might,
The Cosmic Calimari, is ready to fight
Against the forces that evil sends
And for his Japanese child friends

This is Ken, and that's his sister,
She had a name, but we musta missed 'er,
And together, this exciting three
Battles against Doctor Sashimi.

He can swim, he can squirt,
You can hit him and he won't get hurt,
He's... Space Squid, friend to every boy and girl.
He's... Space Squid, and he's come here to save the world!
Track Name: The Ballad of Gordon
There was darkness, there was light,
There was day and there was night.
There was wrong and there was right --
And then there was me!

You didn't even know me, but you treated me like dirt
(And then there was me)
You didn't even know me, but you called me a jerk.
(And then there was me)

I'm from a planet near a star
You wouldn't know, it's very far.
They're calling me the man from Mars,
And I think they're insulting me!

(Insulting me)
They tried to take my special suit
(Insulting me)
They said my head looks like fruit -- What is fruit?
(Insulting me)
"Put your hands up or I'll shoot!"
I don't have hands.

Across the galaxy, I flew,
Heard a peaceful message sent by you.
Now I find you're judged by color and size
I can't believe what you call my...

I'se the guy who sails the sky, but I think I'd like to live here.
I'd like to share your mountains, share your trees, and share your rivers.
I've never seen so many beings of so many colors.
I'd like one day for you to say that I could call you brother.

(And then there was we)
I'd like to learn about your pizza and your weather,
(And then there was we)
Then we could learn about how beings live together.
(And then there was we)

So if you're thinking about being a spaceman,
It don't matter if you're black or white!
Or purple or green or blue or red,
Or yellow with polka dots on your head,
Or made of snow, or made of wheat,
Or looking like something that's kind of a treat.
I like your hat, you like green tea,
There was all that...
And then there was me!
Track Name: Golden Sky Stories
We are in Another World, under a Golden Sky
How we got here's not important, and nobody's asking why,
But we’ve made this our community, and every day we try,
To be the very best that we can be.

In my tavern, I see every type of person come and go,
Some are friendly, some are grouchy, some are fast and some are slow,
Some aren't even really human, but they’re pretty nice to know,,
And we’re here together, happy, strong, and free.

Under a... Golden Sky, nothing is quite what it seems,
Under a... Golden Sky, some alone and some in teams,
Under a... Golden Sky, we have hopes and we have dreams,
In Another World, beneath a Golden Sky.

We've got clever magic animals, and children who are wise,
We've got cute and fuzzy kittens with demonic glowing eyes,
We've got ancient household spirits, of every shape and size,
And the gods of winter, summer, spring, and fall.

Kidnapped royalty is always rescued in the nick of time,
Ancient ruins house the kami and the oni and green slime,
Lots of creatures with such complex names, I cannot make them rhyme,
But our village has a place for them all.

Under a... Golden Sky, we will always do our best,
Under a... Golden Sky, every new choice is a test,
Under a... Golden Sky, we'll do better than the rest,
And we'll bring the rest along so we'll all fly.

Under a... Golden Sky, there's so much to see and do,
Under a... Golden Sky, and we'll share it all with you,
Under a... Golden Sky, all your wishes can come true,
In Another World, beneath a Golden Sky.

Under a... Golden Sky, nothing is quite what it seems,
Under a... Golden Sky, come alone or come in teams,
Under a... Golden Sky, bring your hopes and live your dreams,
In Another World, beneath a Golden Sky.
In Another World, beneath a Golden Sky.
Track Name: 500 Hats
When I wake up, well, I know I'm gonna be,
I'm gonna be as poor as when I went to bed.
When I go out, well, I know I'm gonna have,
I'm gonna have this feathered cap upon my head.

Go to market, well, the streets are crowded now,
But they're moving back in deference to the King.
When I see him, well, I show respect and bow,
And take off my hat -- hey! What's wrong with this thing?

I might wear five hundred hats,
And I might wear five hundred more,
But it's insulting to the King,
Oh, God, I see him coming o'er.

Down in Whoville, all the Whos way down in Whoville,
Well, you know they all liked Christmastime a lot.
But the Grinch, the Grinch who lived just North of Whoville,
Well, you know that nasty Mister Grinch did not.

In the Jungle, well, you know, down in the Jungle,
A young elephant named Horton hears a call,
And that dust speck, that dust speck'll be protected,
For a person's a person, no matter how small.

I do not like green eggs and ham,
I do not like them, Sam I Am.
I do not like them here or there,
I do not like them anywhere.

Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!) Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!)
Bom-badda-dum, badda-dum, badda-dum-badda-da-dadah.
Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!) Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!)
Bom-badda-dum, badda-dum, badda-dum-badda-da-dadah.

When I leave home, I leave home to walk to school,
And to think I saw it on Mulberry Street.
And the Once-ler, up there lurking in his Lerkim,
Watched the Lorax lift himself up by his seat.

The Collapsible Frink'll honk a Hinkle-horn,
Mister Brown can moo, he must think he's a cow.
Where's my moss-covered three-handled family gridunza?
You are lucky, did I ever tell you how?...
Marvin K. Mooney, will you please go now!

And I can lick thirty tigers today,
I had trouble getting to Solla Sollew,
And I can read with my eyes shut,
One fish, two fish, red fish, blue.

Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!) Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!)
Bom-badda-dum, badda-dum, badda-dum-badda-da-dadah.
Yertle Turtle! (Yertle Turtle!) Yertle Turtle! (Yertle Turtle!)
Bom-badda-dum, badda-dum, badda-dum-badda-da-dadah.

And I can wear five hundred hats,
And I can wear five hundred more,
And in one hat there'll be a cat --
Oh, thank dear God, my kid's begun to snore.
Track Name: I Had A Shoggoth
I had a shoggoth, he pleased me,
But drove me to insanity.
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a minion, he pleased me,
Got victims for my laboratory.
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a zombie, he pleased me,
With his decaying anatomy.
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a werewolf, he pleased me,
Devoured every cat he'd see.
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a mummy, he pleased me,
And taught me Egyptology.
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went ABBY SOMEBODY
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a hunchback, he pleased me,
Got Esmerelda sanctuary.
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a vampire, he pleased me,
But at my parties he wouldn't drink... tea.
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMM... DONUTS
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went IT'S STILL WARM
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had an Old One, he pleased me,
In R'lyeh sunk beneath the sea.
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went RRUFF RRUFF
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a cylon, he pleased me,
But then he turned into a she.
Cylon went BY YOUR COMMAND
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT, SHUT UP!
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went CHEETOS
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a Dalek, he pleased me,
But stairs would make him really cranky.
Dalek went EXTERMINATE
Cylon went BY YOUR COMMAND
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HERE KITTY KITTY
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went NOT THE RED ONE!
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a Sith Lord, he pleased me,
But I hated his prequel trilogy.
Vader went KHSHHHHH-HHHOSHHHHH
Dalek went EXTERMINATE
Cylon went I FEEL PRETTY
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a Dark Lord, he pleased me,
But he couldn't beat Harry and Hermione.
Riddle went AVADA KEDAVRA
Vader went LUKE, YOU KISSED YOUR SISTER
Dalek went IT IS NOT A TOILET PLUNGER
Cylon went DOES THIS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?
Cthulhu went PFAGH! Calimari....
Vampire went TWELVE BEAUTIFUL VERSES
Hunchback went OUT THERE....
Mummy went MMMM CHOCOLATE
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL ME OF LONDON
Zombie went NOT EAT EYES
Minion went WHAT HUMP?
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had Galactus, he pleased me,
But he ate my planet casually.
Galactus went CHOMP.
Track Name: A Dragon's Lullaby
Hush now, my baby, the daylight is done,
Your scales catching moonlight instead of the sun,
So lay down your head, till the dawn comes anew,
For here there be dragons to watch over you.

Dream now, my baby, of life in the clouds,
Your head held so high and your wings spread so proud,
For I know a secret I promise is true,
Here there be dragons, and one of them's you.

Twelve years, I Grant, was a long time to wait,
But I knew you'd get here, I knew it was fate,
But sometimes a dragon takes longer to birth,
Because, to create them, it takes the whole earth.

Within you the fires of Africa glow,
The East Asian winds, Scandinavian snow,
The mountains, the forests, the rivers, the skies,
The whole of creation is there in your eyes.

Hush now, my baby, and dream how you will,
You have your whole life for your dreams to fulfill,
And don't be afraid of the things you dream of,
For here there be dragons, below and above,
You're a dragon, you're life...
You're a dragon, you're love.
Track Name: Pretty Pretty Princess Vader
He's the ultimate master of evil,
He's dark and tall and scary,
But under the mask, sometimes he will ask...
Why can't I be a lovely fairy?

When the moon is bright and the mood is right,
Darth Vader is a pretty, pretty princess.
With a nod and a wink, his armor turns pink,
And the room fills with floral incense,

His cape becomes a tutu with a silk brocade,
And his lightsaber blade turns a pastel shade
The cutest Sith Lord ever made,
Pretty Pretty Princess Vader.

He terrifies all around him,
To anger him is your doom,
But when no one's there, he Force braids his hair,
And dances around the room.

When the stars fill the skies, hear his giggles and sighs,
Darth Vader is a pretty, pretty princess.
He sits on his throne and nibbles on a scone
With his pinky raised to impress.

He fears that the Emperor would upbraid
For the escapade of this masquerade,
But Palpatine's paid for lace and suede,...

And he'd never degrade his Padawan's cockade,
So within the darkness, a new Force abraids...
And the accolades will soon cascade... for
Pretty Pretty Princess Vader.