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We Don't Talk About Torgo

by Tom Smith

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Can’t lift this Can’t lift this Can’t lift this Can’t lift this My my my my Hammer hits things so hard, Makes me say Odin, my lord, Thank you for blessing me With a mystic uru hammer called Mee- Olnir, it shows I’m good, A super dope homey from the Asgard hood, And I wield... my father’s gift, ‘Cause if you’re not worthy it’s one you can’t lift. I toldja, Hawkeye -- Can’t lift this Go on, Tony, try your armor -- Can’t lift this Look in my eye, man -- Can’t lift this Now let me bust the Elder Edda -- Can’t lift this Fresh new haircut, and armor, I love Jane Foster, don’t try to harm her, Oh, wait now -- that girl did fly, I guess I’m gonna hit on Valkyrie Captured... no time to sulk, I’m in an arena fightin’ with the Hulk, Like that, knocked flat, But I showed Banner where it’s at, He gave it a shot but he only whiffed, My lightning was something he couldn’t lift I told you, Loki -- Can’t lift this But I like “Get Help!” Can’t lift this Yo, assemble, Avengers -- Can’t lift this Give me a troll or giant With one good swing they’ll be compliant, Now, they know, Me and Mjolnir puttin on a show That’s thunder, and lightning, Villains are threat’nin’ so I’ll keep fighting, Their rage, their greed, I’ll lock ‘em in a cage then have a mug o’ mead I like this! Another! Oh hell, I gotta stop my crazy brother. Loki, how many times must I tell you? Can’t lift this Excelsior, True Believers! Can’t lift this I can’t remember -- are we Norwegian or Germanic? Break it down Stop! Hammer time. Everything was great Till my hammer was destroyed. But then my lightning blasted Hela into the void. And now in the Infinity war It’s Thanos wants to play Groot helped me make Stormbreaker, Come to save the day. And now my only question is Where is Lady Sif? Heck with this hurtin’, I’d rather be flirtin’, This is a burden only she can lift. The hammer is my punchline Can’t lift this I told ya, homeboy Can’t lift this Sure, Steve, go for it. Heh heh... uhhh... N- noble effort! Duuuuude. Fine, you take the little one.
3.
Come visit Fairyland’s Bookshop with me, Each day they have tea at a quarter to three. Fairies and pixies sit down by the fire, All reading tales to delight and inspire. A basket of kittens is mewling for more, And look! There’s a dragon just come through the door, Wind the Victrola and clear off the floor, Take care, mind your step, or you’ll wallow in gore.... Dragons are stomping around to the beat, And kittens are dodging their huge dragon feet, And nobody cares if the music’s too flat They only care if there’s a sudden *MEW* s-p-l-a-t. This was a book store, now it’s a brawl, There’s carnage and cuteness from wall to wall, Passers-by pass out and book lovers flee, Dragons and kittens are dancing at tea. Dragons and kittens are dancing at tea. Bugbears are drinking some Oolong with dogs, Lifting their pinkies while squishing some frogs, Orcs, trolls, and unicorns, dancing a hora, Gollum is mad -- asked for cream, got Cremora. Look at those felines, they’re dazzling and deft, Avoiding their death while they allemande left, Have some Darjeeling, the second cup’s free, Dragons and kittens are dancing at tea. Dragons and kittens are dancing at tea. No kitties died in the room where it happened, The room where it happened, The room where it happened. The kitties almost met their doom where it happened, Entombed where it happened, But they zoomed where it happened. No one really knows how they move so fast, How they manage to last when a dragon comes past, We just assume that their toes keep tappin’, No kitties died in the room where it happened. A kickline of kobolds runs into some elves, Who were all Morris dancing on top of the shelves, Some dwarves join the fray, trying to settle a score, And then come the ogres, and now it’s a war. They bust through the windows, they riot in the street, But dragons and kitties, they don’t miss a beat, They don’t throw off their partners or spill their Earl Grey, One heck of a way to finish the day. Now it is time for good kitties to sleep, While dragons lay dreaming of gold in a heap, Kidnapping princesses, or storming a keep, Or maybe just eating a few dozen sheep. The repair spells work overnight, tomorrow by ten, Fairyland’s Bookshop will be ready again, Come down and join us at quarter to three, For dragons and kittens are dancing at tea. Dragons and kittens are dancing at tea.
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Kong Monkey 03:07
Kong Monkey get up, get moving, Kong monkey got no plan, Eat bananas, fight with T-Rex, Fall in love with girl Ann. Carl Denham wants to make a movie but Monkey gets enraged. Gets knocked out by the stupid gas bombs, Brought to Broadway stage. Kong monkey breaks free from chains of chrome steel, He grabs Ann, begins to climb To the top of the Empire State, Kong monkey falls down to his fate. It wasn't the airplanes, Carl says it was beauty killed the beast, Kong monkey very simple ape, Big warm fuzzy secret heart -- Kong monkey deceased. Kong monkey got greased. Godzilla in the North Pacific, Sleeping in ocean floor, Gets woken by atomic testing In Nineteen Fifty-Four. Godzilla crushes several villages, Bringing fear and death, Destroys metropolis of Tokyo With atomic breath. Godzilla is finally beaten this time, but May someday rise again, Godzilla is big metaphor For dangers of nuclear war, Godzilla gets sequels, Godzilla gets merchandising too, Godzilla king of monsters -- But Kong monkey also king So what else can we do? But make films with these two -- a lot! Kong monkey was first big monster, Godzilla maybe best. Now we have to decide a champion, Only one way to test. They could play checkers, go or ping pong, Maybe Jeopardy, Instead they're gonna have a wrestling match On a town or three. They did it back in the nineteen sixties, But it was really not so good, Now the CGI’s awesome to boot, But I kinda still miss man in suit Kong monkey, Godzilla Throw down to see real king is who, Both titans very simple guys Big screen monster spectacle, King of the Kaiju. King of the Kaiju!
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Met a man, dressed like a space marine, Virginia was his lover, Had a rocket in his left hand and a bottle in the other He said “I have lived a thousand years, that’s why they call me Long, I’ve picked up some things along the way, let’s put ‘em in a song.” He said, “Living’s our main job, specialization is for insects, Human beings are more flexible, and we need different skill sets. Any one of us can step up when it’s time to seize the day, There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch, but there’s lots of ways to pay. Lazarus Long said hit the road, we’ve got a long long way to go, You’re gonna live, you’re gonna die, what you do in between is why, You’ll do things wrong, then do ‘em right, learn a new thing every night, Build a wall, butcher a hog, Pitch manure, conn a ship, Write a sonnet, learn to love, Make a friend, you’re a human, rise above. One of the / joys in life is happiness / at the joy of others, If you get / help, then pay it forward, we’ve all got to help each other. And you’ve / found the key to love and as a person you have grown When / someone else’s happiness is essential to your own. Lazarus Long said hit the road, we’ve got a long long way to go, You’re gonna live, you’re gonna die, we ain’t perfect but we try, Just be strong, don’t forget if you’re not dead you’re not done yet, Join a team, act alone, Cook a meal, set a bone, Change a diaper, learn consent, Be a friend, you’re a human, represent. When you get as old as I am, there’s a certain way of seeing, Just how far we’ve come and have to go to be best at human being Progress comes from lazy people trying to just get something done, And pessimists are right more often, but optimists have more fun. Find your own Glory Road, we’ve got a long long way to go, You’re gonna live, you’re gonna die, you can crawl or you can fly, And if you still don’t have a clue, I’ll draw a diagram for you: Change a diaper, make a plan, Butcher a hog, conn a ship, Design a building, write a poem, Balance books, build a wall, Set a bone, say goodbye, Take an order, take command, Join a team, act alone, Solve for X, see what’s wrong, Pitch manure, code an app, Cook a meal, fight a war, Die with honor, we’ve all got scars, Wear yours proudly, we are human, to the stars.
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I'm... the... Anthropomorphization of the dreaded Necronomicon, The darkest book of evil is what my physique is based upon, Abdul al-Ahzrad wrote me after hearing insects speak to him, Although I'm sure his editor thought that it was all Greek to him. Within me are the mysteries no mind can bear to think about, The truth about the Great Old Ones, who someday will return, no doubt. The facts behind why Elder Gods are omnivores, not herbivores... And... forbidden signs and sigils used to ward of ancient servitors. I've made a token effort in the study of psychometry, And do my taxes using non-Euclidian geometry, And so, in matters temporal, noncorporeal, and eons gone, I am the flesh embodiment of Lovecraft's Necronomicon.
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Mosaic 05:00
I am seven in the kitchen with my grandma as she cooks She lets me peel potatoes while she chops the celery I am ten and my sister and I put down our comic books While Daffy, Bugs, and Elmer discuss what season it might be I am fourteen having my first kiss, so soft and sweet and gentle I can still remember how they looked, so happy and surprised, I am nineteen driving cross the country in a budget rental With my best friend in the back seat and the future in my eyes. So many pictures, and so many people Memories and connections, the laughter and the tears, Some say your life’s a movie, action, romance, roll the credits, But mine is a mosaic my friends built across the years I am twenty-two at graduation, all that I can see Is a thousand people watching while my family cheers for me I am twenty-five in Vegas, by your smile I am bewitched, Getting married in a drive-thru, as Elvis says, “Congrats, you’re hitched!” So many pictures, and so many people, Memories and connections, the hopes and dreams and fears, Some say you’re life’s a novel, lots of chapters, annotations, But mine is a mosaic my loved ones built across the years. I am thirty, and my first child is sleeping in my arms, How can someone so important be so small, I am forty, and we’re moving to a new town on the coast, Unaware we’ll never want to leave at all. I am fifty and my body’s getting crotchety and cranky, But my doctor and her team keep me in tune, I am sixty and my little girl gets married to a good man As we watch beneath a orange autumn moon. I am sixty-five, and I get every senior discount, And the waitstaffs know I’m coming, so my coffee's fresh and hot. And seventy’s approaching, I’ve more tales than I can recount, But there's far more good than bad, and I remember more than not. Who knows just how much longer I may have to make this picture, How many friends and family are bound up with my name, Taken chronologically, it's an eclectic mixture, But look at it all at once, and it's me that fills the frame. So many pictures, and so many people, Every time you look around, another one appears. Some say you’re life’s a painting, or a poem, or a sculpture, But mine is a mosaic my loved ones built across the years. So many pictures, and so many people, Every time you look around, another one appears. Everyone’s a work of art, and we are all connected, And I am a mosaic my loved ones built across the years. I am a mosaic my loved ones built across the years.
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He stands up and he clears his throat, We know which way he’ll go, Whatever we have asked of him, The answer’s always “No”, And underneath his wattle All his words are malapropos, I even heard him gloating in the Senate. He always sounds so soothing, But his obstruction’s real, He always sounds like he’s sincere, As if he can actually feel, Don't bother to negotiate, He’ll never close the deal, He’s shut down all the business in the Senate. I’d like to say a word on his behalf, McConnell’s old and daft! How do you solve a problem like McConnell? How do you catch a liar and pin him down? How do you find a word that means McConnell? A contrarian! A hypocrite! A clown! Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him, Many a thing he wouldn't understand, But how do you make him stay And listen to all you say How do you tell the jerk to go pound sand? Oh, how do you solve a problem like McConnell? Who only cares about the Republican brand! I know he’s sposed to be A political prodigy But I always know exactly what he’ll say. Predictable as lunch, Always playing ever hunch, If it’ll keep him in charge another day. And any legislation Designed to help our nation Gets thrown out his door as fast as it can hurtle, He’s determined to be known As the power behind the throne. He’s a racist! He’s a liar! He’s a turtle. How do you solve a problem like McConnell? How is the nation’s business to proceed? His desk is covered in bills he won't consider, He only thinks in terms of power and greed. Many a thing you know you’d like to tell him, Many involving gestures with your hand, But he’ll never repent his sins, All he cares is that he wins, No matter what the damage to our land. Oh, how do you solve a problem like McConnell? Make sure the Senate isn't under his command!
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We went out to the movies and the car’s battery died So did the battery of the car parked right next door My husband sighs and apologizes, he did it again, It’s his technology killing magic field once more It's not easy being married to Harry Dresden We go through gadgets at a rate the Geek Squad fears He just walks by, and my laptop starts to die, I’ve gone through forty six phones in just two years. I know he's got a lot of responsibility I know he saves the world every month or so But while he's out solving crimes, I wish for simpler times, When The fanciest tech we had was the radio It's not easy being married to Harry Dresden Our color TV now only shows black and white He shrugs and says “color didn't really improve it” But The Wizard of Oz and Avengers don't look right Of course nobody knows our little secret, So the service people don't know what to think Repairmen tried two times to fix our doorbell chimes, But all we get is a little bitty “dink” No washer-dryer, dishwasher, or furnace Somehow he even broke our woodfire stove It's something new every day, he can't even use plug and play, Our basement is a dead electronics treasure trove It's not easy being married to Harry Dresden Most modern conveniences are taboo, But when push comes to shove, he's still the man I love, So I’ll read the Little House books and just make do, Even without technology, This is where I want to be So Harry Dresden, it's me in love with you.
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A little bitty cloth going over your face, Helps protect your part of the human race Even if you're fully vaccinated, all we ask... Wear the damn mask. About a year and a half ago, we got a new plague, The details were murky and the science was vague, The president said it was a Chinese hoax, Even after we started losing folks. Now the CDC keeps changing the rules, about masks in public, restaurants and schools, But it’s not them betraying the public trust -- It’s how science works: you learn more, then adjust. And the more we know, the more we learn, And the more good we can do in turn, It’s a really super simple easy task... Wear the damn mask. Six hundred thousand Americans are dead, Four million around the world, though it’s said That the final total may be three times that, Because vaccinations have fallen flat. It’s a simple thing, just a tiny poke And it’s free, you can get it even if you’re broke, But then, even if you’re protected, you can Get infected, then pass it on to your fellow man. Your kids can’t have the vaccine yet, And immunocompromised people get Covid easier, so we have one thing to ask... Wear the damn mask. Now, there are people out spreading lies About masks and getting immunized, They say they’re just asking questions -- that’s always their shtick. But the problem is we DO know stuff, And even vaccination isn’t enough To prevent you or your family from getting sick. They have an agenda, although it’s kinda funny, When businesses are closed they’re not making money, And money’s more important than even their own lives. But this whole thing has shown the working life is rough, Most front-line workers aren’t paid enough, And it don’t take much to make sure that everyone thrives. So the country has paid a terrible price But we can make that awful sacrifice Mean more, if we can change the rules For our businesses, hospitals, churches and schools. Our human infrastructure is what Kept the ‘Rona from kicking all of our butts, So pay people what they’re worth to keep ‘em alive... And do your part -- wear a little N ninety-five. A little bitty cloth going over your face, Helps protect your part of the human race You can whine it takes your breath away, But surgery teams wear ‘em all damn day. You can personalize it, enhance your smile With an emblem or slogan, your very own style, And it’s kinda like a held-back sneeze or cough, It’s such a relief when it finally comes off. Don't listen to untrained angry jerks, It's not about freedom, it's about what works. The only agenda in the government plan Is keeping folks alive as long as they can. And if you want to bask In health and freedom, it's a simple task, This is all we ask... Wear the damn mask. Wear the damn mask. Wear the damn mask. Wear the damn mask!
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In nineteen seventy seven, My life was changed for good: A little independent movie Opened in my neighborhood. A princess led a rebellion Against the evil galactic empire, And Luke blew up the Death Star just As it was gonna open fire. And I said, ooh chile, never seen so many Spaceships on this one mission, Ooh chile, in forty years we gonna start us a new tradition Online... ‘Cause it's the fourth of May, fourth of May, May the fourth be with you today, With Chewie, Han, and Leia, And Greedo got blown away. Jawas say “Ootini” in their sandcrawler, Ewoks sing YUB NUB down in the holler, Hoth below you, Bespin above, Celebrate spring with a crazy little thing called... Star Wars Day. It's really all about Darth Vader, How he starts out as a little kid. (We wish midichlorians didn't exist, But of course they did.) He really liked Queen Padme, He really didn't like sand, Then he killed all the younglings And Obi-Wan cut off his legs and hand And I said, ooh chile, they should had pre-natal Care for your wife and chilluns, Ooh chile, you're gonna be one of the Cinema’s greatest villains, In time... ‘Cause it's the fifth of May, fifth of May, It's the revenge of the Sith today, With Qui-Gonn Jinn and Yoda, And Darth Maul went both ways.... Dooku tries a power play and loses, Anakin sees the Dark Side and he chooses, Coruscant below you, Naboo above, Celebrate spring with a crazy little thing called... Star Wars Day. So now it's so many years later, It's still in everything that I do, I named my little Corgi Jar Jar, My kids Threepio and Artoo. I carry around a light saber, Colored purple like Mace Windu, I tried to use the Force on a parking cop, Got not one ticket but two. And I say, ooh chile, the games and stories and the Universe is expanding, Ooh chile, in forty years I’ll still be Loud and proud and standing, In line... It's the twenty-fifth of May, twenty-fifth of May, And that's Orthodox Star Wars Day. Finn and Poe and Rose and Lando, And Kylo Ren and Rey, You could pick apart the plot with some tweezers, Palpatine and Luke are cranky old geezers, Jakku below you, Ahch-To above, Celebrate spring with a crazy little thing called... Star Wars Day. Star Wars Day. This is the Way!
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Well, the zombie bit me on my right, Down by the liver side. Down by the liver side, Down by the liver side. Shoulda ran, not stood and tried to fight, Down by the liver side, Down by the liver side. Oh, there are zombies everywhere, From Poughkeepsie to Times Square. If you're bit, they'll make a zombie out of you. I was avoiding them just fine, Till this one grabbed me from behind -- Now my Doomsday Clock is set to Twelve Oh Two. I'm not really Tom, just what remains -- Tom's died but still can stride. Well, shamble, maybe slide... Not bad, since I just died. Run away, or else I'll eat your brains, Or bite your liver side, Down by the liver side!
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Which Doctor 02:27
I wondered which actor was playing Doctor Who The DVDs’ blank case, it gave me not a clue, So I put in the first disk and let it play through. And it had.... Pertwee, he was third, Dang thing has ‘em out of order, Hartnell, Troughton, Baker, Davison and Baker 2! McCoy, Paul McGann, John Hurt, Eccleston, and Tennant, Matt Smith, Peter and Jodie, All played Doctor Who! I wondered which Doctor was gonna be on screen Fighting the Cybermen, the Daleks, or Slitheen, The Ood, the Weeping Angels, Who would we be seeing? And it was.... Pertwee, he was third, Dang thing has ‘em out of order, Hartnell, Troughton, Baker, Davison and Baker 2! McCoy, Paul McGann, John Hurt, Eccleston, and Tennant, Matt Smith, Peter and Jodie, All played Doctor Who! I love Rowan Atkinson and also Peter Cushing, Although it could be said Rowan was fake, There’s the clone who got with Rose, though that was kinda pushing, And who of us did not love Jackson Lake? The lady fugitive, she took us for a ride. And then there's River Song, who is the Doctor's bride, This timeline couldn't get more mixed-up if they tried. It starts with... Pertwee, he was third, Dang thing has ‘em out of order, Hartnell, Troughton, Baker, Davison and Baker 2! McCoy, Paul McGann, John Hurt, Eccleston, and Tennant, Matt Smith, Peter and Jodie, All played Doctor Who! Who would play the Doctor has confounded countless casters Who had a schedule that they had to meet, All those different aliens, companions, and Masters, A list that's never gonna be complete. For over fifty years we’ve all watched Doctor Who The greatest casting gimmick anyone could do We’ll get a new one after twenty twenty two But till then... Pertwee, he was third, Dang thing has ‘em out of order, Hartnell, Troughton, Baker, Davison and Baker 2! McCoy, Paul McGann, John Hurt, Eccleston, and Tennant, Matt Smith, Peter and Jodie, All played Doctor Who!
14.
There once was a fairie named April, As pretty as dew on a rose. She lived in a lovely wooded dell, Secluded from storms and snows. Her life was great, except for one thing, And nobody really knew why: She had two lovely silvery wings, But April couldn't fly. She used to fly all over, From the treetops to the stream. She'd dive laughing into the clover, And skip over the old farmer's cream. But one day her wings weren't strong enough To take her into the sky, And no one knew just what to do For a fairie who couldn't fly. As time went on, the whispers began, How she must have done something wrong, Offended some kobold, or laughed at a leprechaun -- That's why her wings weren't strong. She tried her best not to listen, But she couldn't help hurting inside. Whatever had happened just happened, It's not like she never tried. Then, one day, a baby sparrow Got blown from its nest by the rain. Swept along a trench long and narrow That ran toward an old sewer drain. April ran and ran till she caught him, But had nothing to grab nearby, Still, she wouldn't let go, and they managed to slow, Even though neither one could fly. They rested for days in the notch of a tree, Till the sparrow grew larger and strong. He looked at April -- somehow she could tell That he wanted to take her along. She climbed on his back, and her wings lent him lift, Together, the two could do more, Skimming over the pond, loop-de-looping through fronds, Reaching heights neither dreamed of before. Her wings still don't do what they used to; No one knows if they ever will. But she and the sparrow both know to their marrow Together they share quite a thrill. She may never take wing by herself again, But still she can reach the sky, For she can ascend on the back of her friend, A fairie who once more can fly. It's never the end, long as you've got a friend, Someone with whom you can fly.
15.
Well, I got this ancient book from the Arkham library stack, Summoned somethin' over and I wish I could send it back. Well, I don't miss much when translating Arabic, But mercy! I need help and I need it quick. Well, hello, C-T-H-U-L-H-U, Tell me what in the world'll be left by the time you're through. You're a city-sized living lump of primordial goo, Well, I smell C-T-H-U-L-H-U.... I was a nerdy little bookworm, and it disappointed Dad, Mama told me someday all those books'd drive me mad. She told me now and then I should go out and play, And now I wish I'd listened to what she had to say... 'Cause Mama never told me 'bout nothing like Y-O-U. Bet your mama musta been another interstellar kaiju, too. All those apocalyptic prophecies are comin' true -- Well, I smell C-T-H-U-L-H-U. Well, you're green, squishy, kinda fishy, smellin' over-ripened, The shoggoth is a-shamblin' and the servitors are pipin'. Down in sunken R'lyeh's where you waited all a-dreamin', And now you're up and at 'em, everybody start a-screamin'... 'Cause the world ain't ready for nothin' like Y-O-U, I bet your mama musta been another eldritch horror, too. And it looks like the human race is finally through -- Well, I smell C-T-H-U-L-H-U. Well, I smell C-T-H-U-L-H-U!
16.
I'll Be Back 03:26
You say You're name's Sarah Connor And I say it's time you should die You cry You don't understand, you don't Know me, you don't know why Why so scared? It all will be over so quick you won't feel the pain To kill you, I’m prepared To burn California to ashes, yes, that's the plan.... I’ll be back, wait and see, For to terminate you, they sent me. Skynet’s best, flesh and steel, I look human but I cannot feel, A future empire will fall Unless your son isn't born at all, And when push comes to shove, I will slaughter two dozen police, I feel no human warmth nor love. Dah da dah dat dah, daht dah dah da dy-yah dah, dah dat dat dat dah dy-yah dah.... Someday computer networks will become alive And nuke the human race so they alone would thrive Yes, that was Machiavellian, But your unborn son’s a hellion He’ll lead a great rebellion So I must bash your skull in And we'll rule... forever... Forever and ever and ever.... I’ll be back, like before, And before it's fought we'll win the war I won't rest, I won't stop I’ll keep after you until I drop. Burn my flesh, I’ll just laugh, Okay, that pipe bomb blew me right in half, Soon you'll push, soon you'll shove, Who’d have thought a Terminator would Fight a human woman just as tough. Dah da dah dat dah, daht dah dah da dy-yah dah, dah dat dat dat dah dy-yah dah....
17.
Coilee 04:08
Hear the tale that the dwarves all sing, Hey-o, in the mines below! The foulest wretch of a dwarven king, Hey, in the mines of the dwarves! Anthrak Brasshand was his name, Hey-o, in the mines below! His hand was his fate and his claim to fame, Hey, in the mines of the dwarves! His heart was cruel and his mind was keen, Hey-o, in the mines below! The awfullest king we’d ever seen, Hey, in the mines of the dwarves! Until the day of great renown, Hey-o, in the mines below! When a lowly servant put him down, Hey, in the mines of the dwarves! Hey-o, in the days of old, Blackheart Brasshand, strong and cold, Master of silver and of gold... But a mine sprite did him in! His hand was forged with steel and wire, Hey-o, in the mines below! With anthracite and hammer and fire, Hey, in the mines of the dwarves! Its clockwork spun, with lights aglow, Hey-o, in the mines below! And could strike one dead with a single blow, Hey, in the mines of the dwarves! To keep it strong and keep it wound, Hey-o, in the mines below! To its springs, a tiny spirit was bound, Hey, in the mines of the dwarves! Beneath such task, the spirit chafed, Hey-o, in the mines below, So quietly he planned escape, Hey, in the mines of the dwarves! Hey-o, in the days of old, Blackheart Brasshand, strong and cold, Master of silver and of gold... But a mine sprite did him in! For many years, the spirit slaved, Hey-o in the mines below! Till came a chance he might be saved, Hey, in the mines of the dwarves! The Goblin King sent an engraved tusk, Hey-o, in the mines below! Challenged Anthrak to a duel at dusk, Hey, in the mines of the dwarves! In Old Death Cavern they would fight, Hey-o, in the mines below! Anthrak made sure his springs were tight, Hey, in the mines of the dwarves! But as blows rained down and war songs sung, Hey-o, in the mines below! The sprite, he heaved... and the spring was sprung, Hey, in the mines of the dwarves! The death blow came for the goblin’s head, Hey-o, in the mines below! But the spring pierced Anthrak’s eye, he’s dead, Hey, in the mines of the dwarves! The goblin called the sprite his friend, Hey-o, in the mines below! And he never was bound to a thing again, Hey, in the mines of the dwarves! The dwarves took the lesson to heart and soul, Hey-o, in the mines below! Don’t use a tool you don’t control, Hey, in the mines of the dwarves! The moral is, of course, you whelp, Hey-o, in the mines below! Don’t abuse the hired help, Hey, in the mines of the dwarves! Hey-o, in the days of old, Blackheart Brasshand, strong and cold, Master of silver and of gold... But a mine sprite did him in!
18.
Paddle Boat 01:52
Oh, I went down to the fish market in my brand-new paddle boat, When De Man, he surprised me, wid a subpoena stuck down my throat. My wife said I was lazy, and she wanted a divorce, She wanted half my money, and de paddle boat, of course. I said, You can take de money, You can take my leather coat, You can take de house, you dirty louse, But you don' get de paddle boat. So I went down to de courthouse, and de judge, he say, "My friend, Jus' hand over de boat, now, and dis whole sad thing will end." I said, "Judge, I can't do it -- it'll never work, because It's a smoother, better, quieter ride den my wife ever was." I said, You can take de children, You can take my blue-ribbon stoat, You can take de car, an' my old guitar, But you don't get de paddle boat. You can take everything I got, You can leave me desti-tote, Den just go away, I will be okay, Long as I got de paddle boat. Just go away, I will be okay, Long as I got de paddle boat!
19.
His name was Barnaby, A big brass dragon, He gave us shelter ‘neath his wings against the sun. He asked about all Of our adventures, And insisted that we tell him every one. When we / said we had to go, his eyes got Huge, began to weep, He was like a big ol’ puppy Who could flatten half your keep. Barnaby, Barnaby, Barnaby the dragon, Whose means more than justified the ends. Sing with me, Barnaby, Barnaby the dragon, Who, more than gold or jewels, wanted friends. He pleaded with us To keep on talking, Of our adventures, every detail he would hear! Until our bard said, “This is ridiculous “, And cast the greatest charming spell of his career. We told that dragon we’d be back in just four moons or so, And a Welcome Us Back party was The thing that he should throw. Barnaby, Barnaby, Barnaby the dragon, Who probably should be sleeping on his hoard, Sing with me, Barnaby, Barnaby the dragon, Was he insomniac, or lonely, or just bored? At first, we went on having our adventures great and small. Except to laugh, we didn’t think of Barnaby at all. But as the weeks went by, we started feeling quite ashamed For that poor outcast dragon, who we cruelly had gamed. We thought about him sitting at a table all alone, With paper hats and favors for the party he had thrown, We knew his eyes were raw and red, his outlook bleak and black, Disconsolate with tears unshed -- aw, man, we’re going back! When we got there, He was waiting, And he smiled and offered us a cup of tea, He said, “I’m sorry You missed my party, But I’m so glad you came back to visit me. “The townsfolk living nearby Thought my shindig was trés chic. We all had so much fun that day, Now they come by each week!” Barnaby, Barnaby, Barnaby the dragon, Invited us to party anytime, Here’s to thee, Barnaby, let’s all hoist a flagon, Nothing’s like a party dragon in his prime. Barnaby, Barnaby, Barnaby the dragon, Whose means more than justified the ends. Sing with me, Barnaby, the no longer lonely dragon, The only thing he wanted was some friends. And now he’s got an awful lot of friends!
20.
Leveled Cats 03:07
In Dungeons and Dragons, the average housecat Does one point of damage per round, An average person has only four hit points, So only four house cats can take a man down. And that isn't counting exceptional house cats, With moxie and spirit and sass, But by far the most dangerous are feral alleycats, Who’ve all gained levels in a character class.... Barbarian Cat, he’s big and he's bulky, And stares down a pit bull before he’ll attack, Necromancer Cat is slender and sulky, He lives on one rat, which he kills then brings back. Rogue cat, he stalks in the shadows When somebody makes one wrong move, then they're through, Alchemist Cat roams marshes and meadows, He needs new ingredients, one might be you. Wizarding Cat wanders free in the bookstore, You thought he was hanging around for the hugs. Sorcerer Cat waits just inside the front door, He’s on your top shelf, he blends in with your rugs. Ranger Cat, knows the whole neighborhood, Knows where to nap and to eat and to drink, Paladin Cat -- no cats are lawful good, They don't exist -- really, what did you think? Druid Cat squats in the maple tree, Sneers his disdain at the passers below, Bard Cat, yowls out a melody, Waits till 3:00 a.m. to put on a show. Leveled cats, their games mean much more Than cuddles or kippers or yarn balls or mice. So if a cat shows up at your front door, First thing, just make sure he hasn't... got... dice!
21.
I ache for your spankings and smacks, dear, But much more for the touch of your... vax, dear. Give me that prick, and I won't get sick, As we dance to the Vaccination Tango. Let our love be a shield, not a vector, Say that you'll be my covid protector. Swear that you’ll stay at least six feet away As we dance to the Vaccination Tango. As Fauci planned, Before you, here I stand, My card is in my hand -- Couldn't you have made this credit card sized? -- right from the CDC. One little poke, It's not because I'm woke, I just don't want to croak, The friggin’ shot is free. Your heart is hard as Eastwood or Bronson, That's why I got my Johnson & Johnson. Moderna’s effect is like Pfizer’s, we checked -- but there's no ivermectin when we tango. You filled my nose... With a giant Q-Tip, love, I can still feel the drip, love, As my mucus does flow. From my head to my toes, I’ve got few side effects, love, Though I hear that the next, love, Might for days lay me low. Your eyes say that nothing is greater Than not being on a ventilator. I’ll put on my mask, you need not even ask As we bask in the Vaccination Tango. We’ll do this thing With social distancing Summer, winter, fall, and spring With each new variant. And now and then, A finger I'll extend, Check my blood oxygen, Is at least ninety percent. Ignore anti-vaxxers and conservatives, Drinking urine or bleach or preservatives. We are not jerks, ‘cause we know science works, As we dance to the Vacci... nation Tango!
22.
Jonah: hey, Crow? Servo? Crow: yeah, Jonah? J: I’ve been reading old ship’s logs, looking for something to maybe exploit and get us out of here, and... I keep coming across references to something named “Torgo”. *gasp* J: Is that an app, or a security protocol, or...? Tom: We don't talk about Torgo, no, no, no! C: We don't talk about Torgo... but Dr. Clayton Forrester T: And henchman TV’s Frank C: Sent up an experiment, a home movie made by some guy T: Amateur filmmaking guy C: His car breaks down, near this lodge far from town -- T: Torgo! C: I think his knees were CGI T: low-rent Mister Tumnus, the faun C: Torgo says that they should go, T: the Master wouldn't approve C: but the guy just tells him no T: White privilege, he just won't move C: Torgo lets him stay, and so T: he’s the worst valet... but anyway We don't talk about Torgo, no, no, no! We don't talk about Torgo! Gypsy: All throughout the set, Torgo’s stuttering or stumbling S’posed to be a threat, but just muttering and mumbling I associate him with the sound of pants being ripped, fft-fft-fft Staggers in the wife's room, stalking, grumbling, Reaches for her clothes, with his fingers fumbling, She couldn’t get away, ‘cause she couldn’t break his grip -- What a stupid script! T: The Master demands His harem all believes, He’s got two big hands Of fate upon his sleeves, Yeah, he serves Manos, But I’d prefer Thanos! We don't talk about Torgo, no, no, no! We don't talk about Torgo G: The guy let his dog outside, The next day: dead! (No, no!) C: Tried to fix his car at night, Made it worse instead... (no, no!) T: The Master has six wives in white with a stripe of red (no, no!) Your fate is sealed, ‘cause this flick’s stuck in your head! G: Torgo told the Master the wife of the guy had been promised to him, took a stand, The Master waved for an hour or so, and then later blew off Torgo’s hand. T: Oh yeah, Manos wins today C: The six wives got in a cat fight, and argued, all ‘about whether... they needed another It's like I hear them now T: Was this... the reason the film was made? C: Calling each other skank and cow G: This makes sense, how? J: Um, Torgo... Yeah, about that Torgo... I really need to know about Torgo... Gimme the truth and the whole truth, Torgo G: Heads up, Jonah, the movie's here! J, C, T: MOVIE SIGN! The master demands (Dr. Clayton Forrester)(All around the set, Torgo's) His harem believes (Sent up an experiment)(stuttering and stumbling) He has two big hands (A home movie made by some guy (S'posed to be a threat) Of fate upon his sleeves (but just muttering and mumbling) Yeah, he serves Manos (His car breaks down) (I associate him with the) But I'd prefer Thanos (near this lodge far from town) (sound of pants being --) We don't talk about Torgo, no! J: Why did I talk about Torgo? We don't talk about Torgo! J: I never should've brought up Torgo!

about

A compilation of most of my Patreon songs over the past year or so. Nearly every track has been tweaked, mostly for audio quality but occasionally with a changed lyric here or a new sound effect there. Perfect is the enemy of good, and certainly the enemy of released, but sometimes I can't help myself. In any case, I really hope you enjoy this one as much as I enjoyed making it!

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released May 6, 2022

Art by Lar DeSouza (lartist.com)

All parodied songs are used under the terms of
Fair Use, Section 107 of the Copyright Act.
All copyrighted songs remain the property of their copyright holders. No challenge to copyright is intended, nor should any such challenge be construed.

Dedicated, with great love and respect, to Joel Hodgson and Lin-Manuel Miranda. Gentlemen, you changed my life!

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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