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by Tom Smith



This one just hit me one day.


I remember the way that good old Gandalf
Would eat my foodstuffs and smoke my weed.
He’d say, Frodo, when things start to unravel,
Then you should travel with all due speed.

But one doesn’t simply saunter into Mordor,
Don’t use the front door, things will get bleak.
There’s just one way to take the ring and dump it,
Don’t blare a trumpet! You’ve got to sneak....

Barad-dûr, Barad-dûr,
Where the Nazgul dwell (beasts are fell, here’s your cell, now farewell)
Barad-Dur, things are sure
Gonna go to --
Nothing smells more fungal than to be in Cirith Ungol

Barad-dûr, guided tour,
Smeagol shows the way (though each day his betray-al’s in play).
We’ll endure Orcish spoor,
Don’t be She-Lob’s prey.

It ain’t fair that we’re wand’ring a volcano,
Smells like burnt Drano, oh god my feet.
And we somehow must infiltrate his tower,
Seat of his power, we can’t retreat.

But if we get inside that fiery chamber,
Despite the danger, then we could win,
Of course, if the Ring happens to corrupt us,
Then we’ve got bupkis, let’s start again...

Barad-dûr, not secure,
Snuck in past the Nine (Now it's time, The ring’s mine, ooh, I’m dyin)
Gollum’s your saboteur,
Left empty handed,
The eagles have landed,
We’re gonna be... just... fine!


released August 8, 2022
Music: "Easy Street" by Martin Charnin & Charles Strouse, from the musical Annie




Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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