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The Lay of Anjed​æ​s

by Tom Smith

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about

A writing prompt that became a song almost verbatim. Not exactly a singalong, but still bouncy 'n' stuff.

lyrics

There was a Greek soldier named Anjedæs,
Coming home from the Persian war.
Found his wife was three months pregnant,
But he had been gone for four.
He could have accused his neighbors,
But that would have been of no use,
So instead he embarked on a solemn quest
To find and punch out Zeus.

So hoist a libation to Anjedæs,
He’s going to find and punch Zeus in the fay-uss.
Prob’ly won’t have long life, but Zeus boinked his wife,
Who he’s certain was faithful and chay-ust.

Anjedæs encountered another man
Whose wife was knocked up by a swan.
They decided to join forces,
For two fists were better than one.
Two villages over, they met a young woman
Whose child was a minotaur,
Plus two Muses, four centaurs, twelve nymphs, and a seamstress
Who's secretly Hera, we're sure.

So hoist a libation to Anjedæs,
He’s going to find and punch Zeus in the fay-uss.
There are too many strays around Sparta these days,
And to one god they all can be tray-ussed.

Sunbeams, livestock, eagles and ducks,
Zeus turns into all kinds of things when he fucks.
The visage of husbands, a shower of gold,
How many men will this god-whore cuckold?
The number of women he had was obscene,
His half-divine offspring were clues where he’d been.
Mammalian, avian, some serpentine,
All with daddy issues like you’ve never seen.

By the time they reached Mount Olympus,
Their numbers were right out of yore.
Monsters and demigods, outraged young women,
All looking to settle a score.
Zeus threw down some thunder and lightning,
And some of them hid or vamoosed,
Anjedæs, he gritted his teeth and he climbed
Till he finally stared down Zeus.

Zeus laughed at the puny mortal,
Saying, “Here ends your worthless life.”
But he turned at a tap on his shoulder,
And got nailed in the nads by his wife.
Hera snarled, “All these years I was angry
At your victims, that’s my own disgrace,
But starting right now YOU will pay for your sins...”
And Anjedæs punched Zeus in the face.

So hoist a libation to this mythic crew,
Anjedæs punched Zeus, and the others did too,
Being horny and male grants no license to tail,
Even gods, if they're toxic, can be kicked in the coccyx
So don't lie or provoke her, keep your dick in your toga,
There's enough “God's gifts to women” without you!

credits

released January 7, 2023
Image: The Rape of Europa by Peter Paul Rubens (1621)

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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