For Your Confustication

by Tom Smith

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about

Herein, you will find about half of the songs I've recorded over the past two years. The vast majority were done for my Patreon page; there are also a few commission songs, and a straight cover of Woody Guthrie's classic "This Land Is Your Land". Some were written years ago; others were written the day before I recorded them.

I think that, between science fiction, fantasy, comic books, old folk legends, life online, pre- and post-apocalypse, the Hugo awards, activism, the Society for Creative Anachronism, and food, I pretty much cover all aspects of fannish existence. If I've missed something, let me know, and I'll write about that for next time.

Thanks so much for purchasing this album. I hope you enjoy it.

Tom

credits

released September 19, 2017

"This Land Is Your Land" by Woody Guthrie

All other lyrics by Tom Smith

All other music by Tom Smith except:
"Muppet Babies" by Rob Walsh; original lyrics by Hank Saroyan
"Downtown" by Tony Hatch
"Junk Food Junkie" by Larry Groce
"Follow Me" by Matthew Shafer and Michael Bradford
"Polk Salad Annie" by Tony Joe White
"Honky Tonk Moon" by Dennis O'Rourke
"The Tale of Mr. Morton" by Lynn Ahrens
"Dead Puppies (Aren't Much Fun)" by Odgen Edsl
"Sunshine On My Shoulders" by John Denver, Dick Kniss, and Mike Taylor
"The Wedding Song (There Is Love)" by Noel "Paul" Stookey
"Who Needs Sleep?" by Steven Page and Ed Robertson

Songs are parodied under the Fair Use provisions of 17 U.S.C. § 107. No challenge to ownership or copyright of those songs is intended, nor should such a challenge be construed.

Arranging, Mixing, Mastering, Vocal Recording: Tom Smith
(MIDIs of "Follow Me" and "Polk Salad Annie" were nicked from the 'Net and modified)

Cover art: Lar DeSouza

Software used:
Band In A Box 2017 (pgmusic.com)
Reaper (reaper.fm)
Ozone, Nectar, Neutron, Alloy (izotope.com)
MAutoVolume (meldaproduction.com)
SampleTank 3 (ikmultimedia.com)
CD Architect (magix.com)
CDex (cdex.mu)
Paint.net (getpaint.net)

license

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about

Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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Track Name: There's Apocalypse Comin'
When you're lonely and forgotten,
When you've lost your very last friend...
When everything just seems rotten,
At least you know the world will end....

There's apocalypse coming right around the corner,
In accordance with the ancient prophecies,
Don't bother with that flat tire, 'cause the world will end in fire,
With an impending plague of locusts, why treat the dog for ticks and fleas?

There's apocalypse coming in a week or three now,
Global warming will be solved in one big boom,
Don't believe that things evolve? No worries, problem solved!
Just pull up a chair and enjoy our planet's doom!

Science says we're polluting ourselves to death, now,
Climate change has got us trapped -- sure, it’s too hot.
But don’t you worry about drawing your last breath, now,
Because maybe you’ll get Raptured... maybe not.

It's time for pestilence, death, and war and famine,
And the Beast will leave Perdition, just for laughs,
Will a meteor impact us? Will we be eaten by Galactus?
It almost doesn't matter, might as well kill the fatted calfs*!

When the signs and portents all are in convergence
When the stars and planets finally align,
When the devil drags you below, I'll say, "I told you so",
It’s the end of the world as we know it, it’s your last chance so don’t blow it,
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!

* Yes, I know the word is "calves". Tryin' to rhyme here.
Track Name: Airlock
If you spend any time on Facebook you’ll know what I mean
There’s always one guy buttin’ in and saying things obscene
He’s callin names and layin blame and getting in your face
The only thing that you can do is launch him into space

Out the airlock...
Out the airlock,
Find his name and set for Block, give him one big hella shock
He’ll find someone else to mock, out the airlock, out the airlock!

He’s determined to impress you with his wit and fire,
Thinks he’s Oscar Wilde, but he’s more like Oscar Meyer
Sticking to his talking points with arrogance and gall,
Pretend that he’s a Gallic cow and send him over the wall

With the Trebuchet...
Or the Trebuchay...
You can say it either way, French or English, that’s okay.
He’s still met his judgement day, Trebuchet, trebuchay.

A Facebook page is like a party with all of your friends,
But some folks think that they’re the place the party starts and ends.
They’re peeing in the punch bowl and then waiting to be thanked,
It’s past time to inform them that they’re permanently spanked.

So if you’ve got a commenter who’s always doom and gloom,
His every conversation sucks the air out of the room,
He hates on everything you love and tells you why you suck,
Shove him out without a suit and let him try his luck

Out the airlock...
Out the airlock...
Send him somewhere else to squawk, find somebody else to stalk
Brag about his monster cock, out the airlock, out the airlock!
Track Name: Be A Dragon
O my child, how you’re growing,
How you’re finding yourself and your voice
Always learning, always knowing
That ahead of you there was a choice.

You may not realize what I see in your eyes,
But your only limit’s the sky
So gather your things, unfurl your wings,
And fly.

Be a dragon, be a dragon,
You can set the whole planet on fire
With your power and strength you can go any length
To get anything that you desire

There are people who say, “Always be yourself’,
But they don’t know all you can be,
Be a dragon, be a dragon,
For a dragon’s the best thing to be.

Do I see some hesitation?
That’s all right, just relax, there’s still time
Undergo re... generation,
And you’ll always be in your prime.

The companions you choose all have so much to lose
But there’s also so much that they’ve done
So step up, take a stand, take a friend by the hand,
And run.

Be a time lord, be a time lord,
Be the master of all you survey,
You can hurtle through space, anywhen, anyplace,
To help any you find on the way.

You’ll have alien parts, and with your two hearts
You can love more than average, you see
Be a time lord, be a time lord,
For a time lord’s the best thing to be.

Most people play roles, have achievable goals,
Do their best not to take any chance.
Trying not to be tragic, they avoid all the magic,
Never knowing they’re missing the dance.

They devote every hour to money and power,
Missing out on life’s simpler joys
Never caring or seeing they’ve devoted their being
To simply acquiring toys.

O my child, I will be here,
Though sometimes you pretend I am not,
So become what criminals fear,
They’re a superstitious, cowardly lot.

And your jaw is like flint, in your eyes there’s a glint
Of the service you’ve sworn to the light,
And your tale will be gritty, defend Gotham City,
Dark Knight.

Be the Batman, be the Batman,
Be billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne
And in secret, be a hero,
Fighting villains by using your brain.

You can be what you will, you’ve the strength, you’ve the skill,
So reach out and claim your destiny.
Be a dragon, be a time lord,
Be the Batman that just you can be.

Be whoever that you want to,
Just so long as you’re happy and free.
Track Name: The Ballad Of Julie The Hobbit
It’s a little street down there in old Sussex County
It’s quiet and peaceful and dull
Twas a beautiful lass, all style and class,
A past master at shotgunning skulls.

And you’d see her sashay down the street every day
With a +7 chef’s knife in hand,
She’s the curviest blonde ever wielded a wand
And her Beef Crumble’s best in the land.

Oh, I’ll sing you a song about Julie the Hobbit,
A bundle of earthly delight,
She may be short of stature, but being with her’s rapture,
She captures my heart every night.

In a village nearby, a young man caught her eye,
A gentleman, Peter, by name,
It turned out every morning she passed by his door,
So our heroine turned up her game.

While she carried her torch, she would leave on his porch
A fresh casserole every day,
And that savory treat made his heart skip a beat,
Till she’d stolen his heart right away.

Oh, I’ll sing you a song about Julie the Hobbit,
A bundle of earthly delight,
She may be short of stature, but being with her’s rapture,
She captures my heart every night.

On the twelfth of July they’d leave Blackboys behind
for a classical concert at Leeds
with fireworks and cannon, they’d love with abandon
Till they’d satisfied each other’s needs

Somewhere on the way, they had Toby one day,
with his Doctor and Yoda and Groot,
And Sasha the Shepherd, and Doreen, who peppered
Their lives with love... and eye of newt.

‘Tis a mill town in Wales, with all that entails,
It’s charming as days out of yore
Hardly any undead, and the folks are well fed
With Pavlova, Beef Crumble, and more.

And the street’s always ringing with loud, bawdy singing,
The most wonderful smells fill the air,
And our Peter and Julie and Toby are, truly,
The happiest family there.

Oh, I’ll sing you a song about Julie the Hobbit,
A bundle of earthly delight,
She may be short of stature, but being with her’s rapture,
She captures my heart every night.
Track Name: Cosmic Babies
Cosmic Babies, we'll make our dreams come true!
Cosmic Babies, we'll rule the MCU!

There are six Infinity Stones, and they're
Scattered through the stars,
And each of us has made a vow they
One day would be ours.

(Collector) I like collecting.
(Champion) I like to fight!
(Gardener) I like to grow things.
(Runner) I'm faster than light!

(Grandmaster) I game and gamble.
(In-Betweener) I'm in between!
(Master Hate) I'm Master Hate!
(Mistress Love) I'm his loving queen.
(Stranger) I am a stranger!
(Thanos) I worship death!

(Galactus) -- Is everything all right in there?
(all) Yes, Galactus!

Cosmic Babies, we'll make our dreams come true.
Cosmic Babies, we'll rule the MCU!
Cosmic (cosmic, cosmic, cosmic)
Babies (babies, babies)
-- I AM GROOT!
Track Name: Deadpool
North, East, West, South, there is a merc with a mouth
That everybody knows... Deadpool!
His name is Wade Wilson, if you need someone killed,
Then that's where you should go... Deadpool!

He'll mangle and he'll mutilate with pistol and katana,
Then if you really wanna he'll go out for chimichangas
And hang for a while...

No hero is quite so wild,
It's as if Freakazoid, Lobo, and Drax had a child named
Deadpool, Wolverine's his best friend,
Deadpool, Deathstroke can bite me, then,
Deadpool, go see his movie right now.
Track Name: Duct Tape Diva
You know I love those ornate costumes, I always add on more,
And they call me Elaborata on down at the fabric store.
I only use handmade needles to create authentic garb,
And my friends is always begging me to sew 'em a classic Medieval barb.
Yes, they are.

Oh, but at night I take out my strongbox, that I keep under lock and key,
And I shlep it off to my workroom, where nobody else can see.
I lift that lid so slowly, take a peek both up and down,
Then I pull out a big fat roll of tape, in ten minutes I've got a gown!

In the daytime I'm Ms. Historical,
As authentic as I can be,
But at night I'm a Duct Tape Diva,
And no one's faster than me.

Well, at the Ren Fair you can always find me at Ye Olde Bodice Shoppe,
Just pinching in a waist with perfect taste, and pushing up someone's top.
I use rich Corinthian leather, all my boning has real bones,
My genetically altered silkworms produce silk in waterproof tones,
Yes, they do.

Ah, but when I hit a deadline, and I need a cape or cravat,
A shirt or a shawl, I can fake 'em all in thirteen seconds flat,
I can make for them the perfect hem, camouflaged with silver studs,
Then I take my payment for instant raiment they think are medieval duds.

In the daytime I'm Ms. Historical,
As authentic as I can be
But at night I'm a Duct Tape Diva,
Good Lord, how cheap can I be?

My friends down at the Costume Shop, they think that I'm first-rate,
I know everything about arts and crafts, and my workshop rates are great.
I can put in a call to Carol Duvall, Tom Savini holds for me,
And I'm working on wearable liquid metal for Terminator 3.
Yes, I am.

Oh, but, folks, lately I have been thinking maybe I should change my ways...
Nah! I got the best of both worlds, and, I gotta say, it pays.
I'm a friend to Trisha Biggar, James Acheson and Animal X,
I'm the anti-Martha Stewart, and I bet I get more sex.

In the daytime I'm Ms. Historical,
As authentic as I can be,
And at night I'm a Duct Tape Diva,
Oh, Lord, it's all sticking to me.
Track Name: Follow Me (Hamelin Mix)
You don't know how they got here, you don't know why,
You can't turn around but one's saying Hi.
All you know is, it's a myth, and it's not too nice,
You got rats, I got a flute, now let's talk price.

I'm singin'...
Follow me, all you stinkin' old rats,
I'll be the Hamelin substitute for cats,
And if you want 'em leavin', I can guarantee,
But don't try to back out on my fee.

I'm not worried 'bout the plague they bear,
'Cause I'm charmin' all the vermin, fleas ain't got a prayer.
They're squealing, filthy, and covered with hair,
But you don't look ashamed at treating me not fair.

I'm singin'...
Follow me, all you Hamelin bureaucrats,
I played my flute and lured away your rats,
But if you try to cheat, I can guarantee,
I can play a different tune for free.

Too late for money, lost your chance, say goodbye,
You're better off if you don't ask why,
I've got my reasons for taking your kids,
You've learned the risk of outside contract bids.

... I'll be the one to tuck 'em at night,
And if I want 'em leavin', I can guarantee
You won't find no child older than three.

You don't know where I took 'em, you don't know why
They went dancing past, 'n' didn't say goodbye.
All you know is, when I left you, they went with me,
And next time you hire someone, pay their fee.

I'm singin'...
Follow me, every Hamelin child,
I'll be the one that sets you runnin' wild,
And if you got to stay, I can guarantee,
You must be too lame to keep up with me.

I'm singin'...
Follow me, I'm goin' out on a limb,
Now we know why they're called the Brothers Grimm,
And if you want a lesson in morality,
You won't find no darker fantasy.

I'm singin'...
Follow me, everything is all right,
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night,
And if you want to leave, I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me.
Track Name: Hutt Slaya Leia
If y’all haven’t been out in the galaxy too much,
I’m ‘on tell ya a little bit about it so you understand what I’m talkin’ about.
Now, out there we got us a big ol’ gangster --
Looks kinda like a giant slug.
‘Cept it ain’t.
Everybody calls it Jabba.
The Hutt.
Unh!
Now, I used to know a girl down there,
She got captured
Tryin’ to save her boyfriend
From bein’ wall decor.
But she did all right.

Well, a long time ago and far away,
Before Darth Vader came to fame,
Along came a girl, I swear to the world,
Made that Vader look tame.

Hutt Slaya Leia,
Hutt Slaya Leia,
Everybody said she can’t be ignored,
‘Cause her mama fell in love with a Sith lord.

Mean, vicious Vader.
Sinful.

Now, every day she’d be in the Imperial Senate,
They thought she was a real hellion
But they didn’t know that behind the scenes
She was leading a galactic rebellion.

Hutt Slaya Leia,
Already she’s a playa,
Everybody knew how far she’d go,
‘Cause she even bossed around Han Solo.

Wretched... Hive...
Of scum and villainy!

Well, she was captured by Jabba,
He put her in a harem gown,
But she used that chain, cut off the air to his brain
And the mighty Jabba went down.

Hutt Slaya Leia,
You haven’t got a praya,
Don’t get our Princess in a dither,
‘Cause you know the Force is with her....

Senator,
Princess,
General...
Bad ass woman.

Drowned in moonlight...
Strangled by her own bra.
Track Name: Inconstant Moon
Just now it should be twilight,
But it's not even dark,
Overhead, pale pyrite,
Reflecting quite a spark,
Inconstant moon,
Keep shining on my baby and me.

One last hot fudge sundae,
Together we can share,
Never guessed that, one day,
Nova weather would be there.
Inconstant moon
'll be wipin' out my baby and me.

Through the quick-building storms,
Rain that's too warm,
Buildings seem to melt away,
My heart is gonna burst,
And it's still getting worse,
Winds that can carry a Ferrari,
Things are coming my way.

My arms around my baby,
Shakin' on the floor,
Cigarettes and whiskey
Are our future trading store,
Inconstant moon,
Keep fryin' everybody but we.

Through the godawful din,
The truth is sinkin' in,
The world isn't meltin' away.
It must be a solar flare,
Immense beyond compare,
And the moonlight is less bright,
Think it's going away.

Outside the dark has fallen,
Stars are winking bright,
There's a deadly pall on
Los Angeles tonight,
Inconstant moon,
Was lyin' to my baby and me.

Inconstant moon,
Made pioneers of my baby and me.
Track Name: Joe's Soup
Hey, Joe, who made de soup?
It's thick and tomato-ey, it's really good goop,
Hey, Joe, you made de soup,
For Mom, Dad, and little Brother's Boy Scout Troop.

De soup, it got noodles, dey soft to chew,
But noodles ain't de only t'ing that Joe can do,
De soup, it got zucchini, de soup, it got squash,
De soup is almost ready, I better go wash.

De soup, it got tomatoes, de soup, it got spice,
De soup, it got herbs, make it taste real nice,
De soup, it got onions, it got de celery,
De soup, it gotta be for-a you and me.

Hey, Joe, who made de soup?
I drink it when I drive in my Cadillac coupe,
Hey, Joe, you made de soup,
De rasta in de pasta make a macaroni loop.

Police man, he come, an' he take my soup away,
I gotta make do wit' de stew, he say,
De stew made wit’ rocks, de stew made wit’ dirt,
De stew made wit’ socks and de unwashed shirt.

De stew ain't de people's, de stew is de Man's,
De stew made by stew-ges who don' wash dey hands,
De stew is oppresion, de stew is our pain,
And you got a fresh song stuck in your brain.

Hey, Joe, who made de soup?
Is dat stringy thingy ganja, or some old guy’s toup?
Hey, Joe, you made de soup,
Feed de people, make 'em free in one fell swoop.

Hey, Joe, who made de soup?
It's thick and tomato-ey, it's really good goop,
Hey, Joe, you made de soup,
For Mom, Dad, and little Brother's Boy Scout Troop.
Track Name: Just A Kid From Brooklyn
He’s the star-spangled man, he’s the man with the plan
He’s the hero in whom we believe.
He is brave strong and true in the red white and blue --

He was just a kid from Brooklyn, kinda sickly, kinda short
And he got beat up a lot ‘cause he was the geeky artist sort,
So he always hated bullies, never backed down from a fight,
When Europe went to war, he knew he had to do what’s right.

But the Army wouldn’t take him, Go home, was all they’d say,
Till a military scientist said there’s a better way.
One secret treatment later, that’s where his legend starts,
They gave him the perfect body, but he brought his perfect heart....

And now you tell me... he’s a Nazi
You want to prove the best of us can end up like the rest of us
You’ve rewritten the story and you know you’ll increase sales
And tell us it’s so great, how you’ll spin so many tales.

You’ve heard about his shield, to keep him safe from harm,
And how he used it like it was an extension of his arm,
You’ve heard about his buddies, and how some paid the cost,
The woman that he loved, the childhood friend he lost.

But most of all, you’ve heard about the man behind the mask,
How fighting for our freedom was his most important task,
Sometimes it was a rescue, sometimes it was a fight,
But sometimes it was just his words and knowing he was right

And now you tell me... he’s a Nazi
You want to prove the best of us can end up like the rest of us
You’ve undone his whole purpose, and then shoved him off a ledge,
And tell us it’s so bold of you, how it’s oh so cutting edge.

You say “But Hydra’s not the Nazis, that just isn’t so
We retconned that in a miniseries just four years ago
They only were the Nazis’ allies, can’t you see the diff?”
Can’t you see your argument go driving off the cliff?

He was just a kid from Brooklyn, scrawny arms and sunken chest,
But still he was a good man, and he became the best,
The icon, the example of what goodness ought to be,
And you changed his basic story, and you told the press with glee.

But we know what you’re doing, you’ll fix it in two years
And meantime you’ll ignore the anger and the childrens’ tears
You need to prove that heroes aren’t so noble or so pure,
But we knew that, and what YOU’RE doing shows us that for sure.

So go to hell, he... is no Nazi
We already know the best of us can end up like the rest of us
You’ve undermined the story for a few quick comic sales
And can’t even see on every level how your gimmick fails.

Go to hell, he... is no Nazi
It’s the latest novel twist and it really, really missed
You want to make your mark, well, take a bow and raise your cup,
Because you’ll be remembered as the man who screwed things up

Go to hell, he... is no Nazi,
His purpose is to fight against them for what’s right,
The only thing you’ve shown is that you just don’t understand,
Your fan base or the stories or the heart behind the man.

He’s the star-spangled man, he’s the man with the plan
He’s the hero in whom we believe.
He is brave strong and true in the red white and blue, but
Most of all,
He’s just a kid from Brooklyn named Steve.
Track Name: Keepers Of The New Millennium
As we go through our lives, we learn what we need
To make just getting through a bit less rough
But if there’s one thing we know about all that we know,
We know that we’ll never know enough.

And so here we are, on our ship through the stars
Bound together by the three hopes of man,
The capacity to love, the desire to help,
And the need to know everything we can.

We are the keepers of the new millennium,
The teachers and protectors of our youth,
Here inside these halls, imagination calls,
More importantly than right and wrong, we want to know the truth

We are the keepers of the new millennium,
We will find our limits, and then go beyond,
While life within us gleams, all our hopes and all our dreams
Live on.

Literature and music, theater and art,
Math and science, every craft and every skill.
How to stop, how to go, how to build, how to grow,
How to be the best that we can be, and then be better still.

We are the keepers of the new millennium,
Come join us, for now the road is ours,
A hundred thousand years are culminating here,
We’ve finally outgrown the earth, we’re heading to the stars.

We are the keepers of the new millennium,
The teachers and protectors of our youth,
All our knowledge has a place, and we’re taking it to space,
More importantly than right and wrong, we need to know the truth

We are the keepers of the new millennium,
Come join us, for now the road is ours,
A hundred thousand years are culminating here,
We’ve finally outgrown the earth, we’re heading to the stars.

We are the keepers of the new millennium,
The teachers and protectors of our youth,
Here inside these halls, imagination calls,
More importantly than right and wrong, we need to know the truth

We are the keepers of the new millennium,
We will find our limits and then go beyond,
No matter what fate deems, we’ll make our hopes and dreams
Live on,
Live on.
Track Name: Moon Moon
A lycanthrope’s life is difficult for sure,
At moonrise, your body starts to change,
Big ol’ fangs, an awful lot of fur,
Yellow eyes and other stuff that’s strange.

You’re cursed to roam the hills and fields all night,
Hungry for most any type of game,
But there’s one who got, a double dose of moonlight,
And since then he ain’t hardly been the same.

Moon Moon, Moon Moon,
His brain’s about two sizes too small,
Moon Moon, Moon Moon,
The derpiest werewolf of them all.

While the other werewolves stalk their prey,
Striking when they find the perfect chance,
Moon Moon runs right in with them to play,
And sometimes, Moon Moon must dance.

Moon Moon, Moon Moon,
Burying his face in the sand,
Moon Moon, Moon Moon,
Don’t tell him stuff, ‘cause he won’t understand.

Sometimes he forgets just what he likes to eat,
Sometimes he jumps like a frog,
Sometimes he’ll BOOP a kitten’s nose and then retreat,
Sometimes he forgets how to dog

So if you’re out upon the moors at night,
Beware when the wolfsbane is in bloom,
‘Cause if you aren’t careful, you just might
Meet a werewolf with the brains of a legume.

Moon Moon, Moon Moon,
He’s famous far and wide and big and tall,
Moon Moon, Moon Moon,
He fills his foes with fear and folderol.
Moon Moon, Moon Moon,
The derpiest werewolf of them all!
Track Name: Mr. Morden
This is the tale of Mr. Morden,
Mr. Morden is who.
He is the subject of the Shadows,
And the Shadowmen tell what Mr. Morden must do.

Mr. Morden was thin and gaunt,
Kinda creepy, too.
He asked people "What do you want?"
(Vorlons ask "Who are you?")
Mr. Morden was a sneaky devil,
Mr. Morden was,
Mr. Morden is the subject of the Shadows,
And what the Shadowmen says, he does.

Mr. Morden was wracked with guilt,
Mr. Morden's wracked,
Cause his daughter and wife were killed,
Mr. Morden's cracked.
Mr. Morden was crazy,
Mr. Morden was.
Mr. Morden is the subject of the Shadows,
And what the Shadowmen says, he does.

The Shadows are a race that want beings to evolve
And so manipulate them into wars
Morden went to space, seeking problems he could solve,
And ended up as something that he abhors.

Mr. Morden and Londo planned,
Mr. Morden schemed.
Londo's vision was vast and grand,
Everything he dreamed.
Londo fell into darkness
When Idira died,
Mr. Morden framed Rifa for her murder,
That's right, he did it and then he lied.

The war spanned the galaxy,
The Shadows' path was clear,
Too bad for Morden that
Mollari had his Vir.

Morden went to Centauri Prime,
Mr. Morden went,
But Mollari was waiting there,
The Shadows' attack to prevent.
What Mr. Morden heard, he didn't like,
And his head went up on a pike....

Mr. Morden hurt Londo's friends,
Mr. Morden hurt.
This is where Morden's tale ends,
Napping in the dirt.
Mr. Morden was an evil man,
With a complicated evil plan...

... But who says you can't learn to solve
problems nonviolently AND still evolve?
Now the galaxy's peaceful, and Morden's off the grid,
Mr. Morden was a subject of the Shadows,
And what the Shadowmen said... he did!
Track Name: My Bonny Cat Lady Of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Well, I was out roving one morning in spring
When a fine bonny lass did appear.
She had stars in her smile and a quirk in her style
And a Bluetooth headset in her ear.

She said, “Just a moment, I want you
To wait while I contact my team,”
In a manner most loud, she purred, hissed, and meowed,
I was sure I must be in a dream.

Agents Emmylou, Rufus, Lucinda, and Ludwig,
Her kitties are out in the field,
And they don’t need icers to catch any mice,
She’s the Bonny Cat Lady of SHIELD.

She took my hand, we moved onward
With a couple of side-glancing looks,
See, her bosses employ her at being a lawyer,
But she just wants to curl up with books.

She said, “I’d like to find someplace cozy,
We could play Words With Friends until three,
Or we could just get jiggy, like lovely Miss Piggy,
You look like a Kermit to me.”

She watches real housewives do fake things,
She saw Nathan Fillion and squealed,
And the New York Times Crossword she does like a boss,
She’s the Bonny Cat Lady of SHIELD.

We went back to her natural habitat,
A room lined with bookshelves galore,
And we cooed and we sighed while her kitties all spied,
And I’ve never known such bliss before.

And since then every day’s an adventure,
And I feel like I’m living the dream,
The cats look for clues while she’s shopping for shoes
And I’m proud to be part of the team.

She’s a master at all kinds of wordplay,
On that subject she will not yield,
Her elite feline force has escape claws, of course,
She’s the Punny Cat Lady of SHIELD.

And to her I have sworn my allegiance,
And our futures together are sealed,
She’s my partner, my wife, she’s the joy of my life,
The Bonny Cat Lady of SHIELD.
Track Name: Sad Puppies
Sad puppies, sad puppies,
Sad puppies aren't much fun.

All their plots, all their hooks,
But no one nominated their books,
Sad puppies never won.

Oblivion was their fate,
Till they stuffed the ballot with hate,
Sad puppies want to run, no no no.

Rabid puppies joined in too,
They’ll kill the Hugo before they’re through,
Rabid puppies have just begun.

Sad puppies
Brad’s puppies
Sad and Rabid puppies aren't much fun.

C'mon, everybody! NO, REALLY, EVERYBODY!

Nominated barely,
Can’t win fairly,
Sad and Rabid puppies aren't much fun.

One more time for Theodore Beale!

Sad Puppies,
Jesus what annoying puppies,
Sad and Rabid puppies aren't much fun.
Track Name: Safe Zone
This song is a safe zone,
While it’s playing you are safe,
No one’s gonna mock your identity
Or ask any questions that chafe.
You can take a big deep breath,
Put your worries on the shelf.
This song is the safe zone song,
So come on and be yourself.

The whole world’s gone crazy tribal,
And sometimes the tribes are just one --
One person with an attitude,
Who thinks justice must be done.
They feel victimized by society
Accepting what is new,
They may not understand
They’re not being threatened by you.

This song is a safe zone,
While it’s playing you’re in control.
You don’t have to worry ‘bout being questioned
By every internet troll.
They think it’s their privilege
To condescend and hold a grudge,
But this song is the safe zone song,
And nobody gets to judge.

They say they’ve got dissenting opinions
Or opposing points of view
It doesn’t seem to occur to them
That they’re arguing you aren’t you.
Whatever gender, religion, or race you are,
They weigh in till the problem’s solved.
But your personhood isn’t a problem,
And they don’t get to get involved.

This song is a safe zone,
From those who want others policed.
They complain “Why do YOU need a safe zone?”
They’re the ones who need it least.
At best they say they “tolerate”, which means
They still think it’s wrong.
Love and acceptance are the keys
To this little safe-zone song.

Someone’s gender, religion, or race
Don’t affect other people at all
And if they think it does, like Roman invaders,
They’ve got a lot of Gaul
They got this vision that everybody
Should be alike and conform,
But every single person on Earth is different,
There’s no such thing as a norm

This song is the safe zone song,
We’re all people of good faith,
You’re a member of the human race
And when you’re with us, you’re safe
We know you’re trying to figure out
What you feel, what’s right, what’s wrong,
We’ll be by your side, arms open wide,
As we sing this safe zone song.

This song is the safe zone song,
It’s for everybody here
Whoever you are, whoever you love,
We’ll all stand up and cheer.
We’ll listen all night or just be quiet,
Put your worries on the shelf.
This song is the safe zone song,
So come on and be yourself.

This song is the safe zone song,
So come on and be yourself.

This song is the safe zone song,
So come on and be yourself.
Track Name: Sunflower Monster
Sunflower monster wants ta be my neighbor,
Sunflower monster right there by the fence,
Tall and yellow and green with weird behavior,
Sunflower monster doesn't make no sense.

I was in the backyard with Tigger my dog,
Cleaning up after he left a poop log
When suddenly over at the Johnsons' place
Was a big green thing with a sunflower face
He... says... he lives here now,
And he wants to be my friend,
But nobody knows where the Johnsons went
And the noises from their basement never end....

Sunflower monster wants ta be my buddy,
Sunflower monster wants ta be my pal,
But I can see that the tool shed is all bloody,
And no perfume can take away that smell.

So I went to my tree fort and waited all night
With my slingshot, rocks, and a big flashlight
When suddenly just about three fifteen
There were all kindsa monsters, tall and green,
They... had... sunflower heads,
And laser guns in their vines,
So I ran down with my baseball bat
And whacked 'em in their spines

Sunflower monster grabbed me in his tendrils,
Sunflower monster yelled right in my face,
He said that they cannot be discovered,
Until they assimilate the human race.

So I held my breath and waited for the end...
... but nothing happened.
He said "But you're my friend."
And he smiled at me and set me on my feet,
I said, "Where are the Johnsons?"
And he said "We had to eat"....

Sunflower monster's really an invader,
But he also is my bestest friend,
He's gonna suck your brains out, see you later,
And when they've got you all, well, that's the end.
Track Name: Sunscreen On My Eyeballs
Sunscreen on my eyeballs for the eclipse,
Sunscreen on my eyes has made me blind,
Wasted all my money on these glasses,
Tasting Coppertone, while I sit and whine.

If I had a brain, I woulda used it,
Not be dancin' round, each breath a scream,
Put down the spray can, not abused it,
Next time, I'll apply it as a creme.

Sunscreen on my eyeballs at the E.R.
"Sunscreen on my eyes" I shout and cry,
They can't fill out my forms because they're laughing
Sunscreen on my eyes, wish I could die.

If I had a tale that I could tell you,
I'd tell a tale Devo Spice would love, no doubt.
(Friend of mine. His podcast has a feature called News Of The Stupid.)
If I had a wish that I could wish right now,
I'd wish I had a spoon to scoop them out.

Sunscreen on my eyeballs for the eclipse,
Okay, that was stupid, but now I know the score.
The doc says in seven years I should recover,
Just in time for the one in 2024.
Vaseline Healthy White, SPF 24.
Track Name: Pennsic (There Is Mud)
They are now to be among you
In the hazy summer heat
To drink and feast and laugh and play
And each other up to beat,
There are lovely lawns to joust upon,
But they'll soon be lawns no more,
For whenever two or more of you
Gather at the Pennsic War,
There is mud,
There is mud.

There are knights in homemade armor,
There are ladies in their gowns,
There are hordes of furred barbarians
Who aren't that used to towns,
They all work to look so different,
But they'll all soon be in browns,
For whenever we hit Pennsic,
For two days the field drowns,
There! It's mud,
There is mud.

And so what's the big excuse you gave to get this weekend off?
Is the office air conditioning so dry you've got a cough?
Has the workload overstressed you? Are your co-workers just too loud?
You will miss them when you're trapped beneath a front of thunderclouds.

For a dozen years you've gone now,
You've fought and drunk and wenched,
You have lugged a household full of stuff
Just to watch it all get drenched,
But your friends are here with love and beer,
That's what friends are for,
And whenever two or more of you
Gather at the Pennsic War,
There is mud...
Deal! There's mud.
Track Name: This Land Is Your Land
As I was walking that ribbon of highway,
I saw above me that endless skyway:
I saw below me that golden valley:
This land was made for you and me.

(chorus)
This land is your land, This land is my land
From California to the New York island;
From the red wood forest to the Gulf Stream waters
This land was made for you and Me.

I've roamed and rambled and I followed my footsteps
To the sparkling sands of her diamond deserts;
And all around me a voice was sounding:
This land was made for you and me.

When the sun came shining, and I was strolling,
And the wheat fields waving and the dust clouds rolling,
As the fog was lifting a voice was chanting:
This land was made for you and me.

As I went walking I saw a sign there
And on the sign it said "No Trespassing."
But on the other side it didn't say nothing,
That side was made for you and me.

In the shadow of the steeple I saw my people,
By the relief office I seen my people;
As they stood there hungry, I stood there asking
Is this land made for you and me?

Nobody living can ever stop me,
As I go walking that freedom highway;
Nobody living can ever make me turn back
This land was made for you and me.
Track Name: Who Needs Groundhog Day?
Now I lay me down not to sleep
Amid these Pennsylvania geeks,
The entertainment value's cheap,
But what the hey, it fills my cheeks.

I'll never understand this thing,
It's only halfway till the spring,
A hundred news teams come each year
To watch my blurry vision clear.

Woke up, I'm out of luck,
They pick me up,
The only thing that counts is
Where the light is,
My head's down, I look around --

(I need sleep)
Well, I'm never gonna get it
(I need sleep)
Not on Groundhog Day
(I need sleep)
They say if I see my shadow
They'll be six more weeks
Of winter on the way.

There should be anti-cruelty laws,
You're lucky I've got soft, pink paws.
The Weather Channel touts its tech,
Then airs this superstitious dreck.

A big guy, in a tux
Got ahold of me,
Maybe if I pee
He'll let me go,
It's worth a try, I wanna die --

(I need sleep)
Well, I'm never gonna get it
(I need sleep)
Not on Groundhog Day
(I need sleep)
They say if I see my shadow
They'll be six more weeks
Of winter on the way.

(I need sleep)
Tell me, what's the fascination
(I need sleep)
With rodent folklore?
(I need sleep)
Between lemmings and beavers,
If a woodchuck could chuck,
He'd chuck it out the door.

There's so much money spent predicting
Weather nowadays,
But all that scientific data's
Vanished in the craze,
There's Doppler Radar, lake effect, heat
Index and wind chill,
So why are all these morons here with
Punxsutawney Phil?

Woke up, I'm out of luck,
They pick me up,
The only thing that counts is
Where the light is,
My head's down, I look around --
Badger Badger Badger!

(I need sleep)
Well, I'm never gonna get it
(I need sleep)
Not on Groundhog Day
(I need sleep)
I get the blame, not the credit, and
What in the hell is
"Punxsutawney" anyway?

(I need sleep)
Well, I'm never gonna get it
(I need sleep)
Not on Groundhog Day
(I need sleep)
They say if I see my shadow
They'll be six more weeks
Of winter on the way.

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