We Need A Little Krampus

by Tom Smith

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According to Wikipedia ( en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Krampus ), "In folklore, Krampus is a horned, anthropomorphic figure described as "half-goat, half-demon",who, during the Christmas season, punishes children who have misbehaved, in contrast with Saint Nicholas, who rewards the well-behaved with gifts. Krampus is one of the companions of Saint Nicholas in several countries including Austria, Bavaria, Croatia, Czech Republic, Hungary, Slovenia, South Tyrol and parts of Northern Italy. The origin of the figure is unclear; some folklorists and anthropologists have postulated its pre-Christian origin."

Mark A. Schmidt suggested I do something to this tune, and... yeah.

lyrics

Haul out the holly,
It’s time for Santa to re... ward the nicer kids ‘n’
Punish the folly
Of the naughty ones and... all the things they did
Wrong.

‘Cause we need a little Krampus
Right this very minute,
He knows you’ve been bad and
There’s no way you can spin it
There’s an awful lot of trouble
And you’re hip-deep in it
You’ll wish for Scrooge’s type of haunting,
You’ve been judged and you’re found wanting

Half goat, half demon
With a big long tongue and... birch to switch you with
Please stop the screamin’
It only makes him angry, you wouldn’t like him that way

For he’s grown a little leaner,
Grown a little colder,
Grown a little meaner,
He don’t care that you’re older,
If you end up on his list, he’ll
Dislocate your shoulder,
We need a little Krampus now!

Haul out the bodies,
Forget the lists this year, and... we’ll get all of ‘em,
Kids nice and naughty,
We’ll flog and maim and torment... from Thanksgiving through Lent.

And we need a little Krampus
For each unruly toddler,
Making up for parents
Who spoil him or coddle her
Yeah, we need a little Krampus,
Like craft beer needs a bottler,
Like an evil cattle drover,
MOVE IT CLAUS, I’M TAKING OVER!

Crawl up the chimney
Dragging the kids all shackled... in my chains of iron,
Cel... e... brate grimly,
I’ll make Jack Skellington look like... he’s not tryin’ at
All.

For we need a little terror,
Need a little shrieking,
To contrast with the bearers
Of Jesus’s gifts, the three kings,
So, if you hear something downstairs,
Don’t you dare go peeking,
We need a little Krampus --
[Those carols you were humming?]
For kids, adults, and grandpas --
[SANTA ISN’T COMING!]
We need a little Kram... pus...
Now!
[evil laugh]

credits

released December 5, 2017
Music: "We Need A Little Christmas" by Jerry Herman, from the musical Mame
From a suggestion by Mark A. Schmidt

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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