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The Ballad Of Barnaby

from We Don't Talk About Torgo by Tom Smith

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There is a meme which became insanely popular on a particular Facebook group in winter 2022, this gist of which is that an adventuring party met a dragon who wanted to hear all about their adventures. EVERY adventure. In detail. They hit him with a charm spell, and said they'd be back soon, and the dragon should hold them a party on their return. Well, they didn't go back, but they were feeling guilty about leaving that poor lonely dragon with his cake out in the rain.

I thought that story deserved a happy ending.

lyrics

His name was Barnaby,
A big brass dragon,
He gave us shelter ‘neath his wings against the sun.
He asked about all
Of our adventures,
And insisted that we tell him every one.

When we / said we had to go, his eyes got
Huge, began to weep,
He was like a big ol’ puppy
Who could flatten half your keep.

Barnaby, Barnaby, Barnaby the dragon,
Whose means more than justified the ends.
Sing with me, Barnaby, Barnaby the dragon,
Who, more than gold or jewels, wanted friends.

He pleaded with us
To keep on talking,
Of our adventures, every detail he would hear!
Until our bard said,
“This is ridiculous “,
And cast the greatest charming spell of his career.

We told that dragon we’d be back in
just four moons or so,
And a Welcome Us Back party was
The thing that he should throw.

Barnaby, Barnaby, Barnaby the dragon,
Who probably should be sleeping on his hoard,
Sing with me, Barnaby, Barnaby the dragon,
Was he insomniac, or lonely, or just bored?

At first, we went on having our adventures great and small.
Except to laugh, we didn’t think of Barnaby at all.
But as the weeks went by, we started feeling quite ashamed
For that poor outcast dragon, who we cruelly had gamed.

We thought about him sitting at a table all alone,
With paper hats and favors for the party he had thrown,
We knew his eyes were raw and red, his outlook bleak and black,
Disconsolate with tears unshed -- aw, man, we’re going back!

When we got there,
He was waiting,
And he smiled and offered us a cup of tea,
He said, “I’m sorry
You missed my party,
But I’m so glad you came back to visit me.

“The townsfolk living nearby
Thought my shindig was trés chic.
We all had so much fun that day,
Now they come by each week!”

Barnaby, Barnaby, Barnaby the dragon,
Invited us to party anytime,
Here’s to thee, Barnaby, let’s all hoist a flagon,
Nothing’s like a party dragon in his prime.

Barnaby, Barnaby, Barnaby the dragon,
Whose means more than justified the ends.
Sing with me, Barnaby, the no longer lonely dragon,
The only thing he wanted was some friends.
And now he’s got an awful lot of friends!

credits

from We Don't Talk About Torgo, released May 6, 2022
Original meme posted by doomdodecahedron
Art by Pascal Hermans
both used without permission

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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