On​-​Line Religion

from by Tom Smith

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This idea jelled January 4, 1995, after seeing that Cardinal John O'Connor of New York was on Prodigy, in a New York Times story which started, "Gimme that on-line religion." I recalled that earlier in the week I'd heard about a brand-new on-line confessor program. Well, shucks. You don't have to hit me on the head.

Now, of course, this song is SO SO SO dated, I'm embarrassed to sing it. I should probably come up with a whole bunch of new verses.

lyrics

All you hacker types who whine
You spend too much time on-line
To connect with the Divine, well,
There's some software you should see.

It'll only function in those
Systems not in corporate limbos:
Pearly Gates for Stained-Glass Windows --
Boot up God on your P.C.

(Chorus)
Gimme that on-line religion,
Gimme that on-line religion,
Gimme that on-line religion,
It's God, Revision 3.

It was Cardinal O'Connor
Out defending Catholic honor,
But I wish that he'd been on our
Service, not on Prodigy.

(Chorus)

Those with sexual repression
Now can e-mail their confession,
Get absolved in that same session,
And do penance virtually.

(Chorus)

Every good and pious hacker
Goes to Heaven -- every slacker
Is an unarmored attacker
In the beta-test Doom 3.

(Chorus)

If you're an Amiga boaster,
Stick the Eucharist in the Toaster,
Pull it out, use as a coaster,
Or send in to Fish PD.

(Chorus)

Though they often try to hide us,
We all have Intel inside us,
But should Pentium divide us,
Well, that's close enough for them.

(Chorus)

There are lurkers in the Usenet
Who have not heard the Good News yet,
When I think of them, I do sweat,
Each one's a potential troll.

(Chorus)

There's a World Wide Web of pages,
That's grown up in several stages,
It may not be Rock of Ages,
But it's good ol' Rock and Roll.

(heavy-metal band)
Gimme that On-Line Religion,
Gimme that On-Line Religion,
Gimme that On-Line Religion,
It's God, and God is ME!

("What the heck was that?"
"I have not a clue....")

Point and click on your Mosaic,
Yes, it surely is prosaic,
Tour the Vatican or Passaic,
In the heart of New Jersey.

Phoning Down to New Jersey, me boys,
Phoning Down to New Jersey...

Keeping track of those addresses
Is the toughest of life's messes,
And one thing I must confess is,
URL-bound, wait and see.

(chorus)

Though the 'Net still coughs and wheezes,
There's so much out there to please us,
Give your mouse over to Jesus,
Get to Heaven -- FTP!

(chorus)
Gimme that on-line religion,
Gimme that on-line religion,
Gimme that on-line religion,
It's God, Revision 3.

Gimme that on-line religion,
Gimme that on-line religion,
Gimme that on-line religion,
It's God, Revision 3...
Point One!

credits

from Plugged, released May 24, 1997

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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