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Leveled Cats

from We Don't Talk About Torgo by Tom Smith

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Another gaming song inspired by a meme. This is absolutely done... and yet I want more. I might eventually add a bunch of subclass verses. Or maybe write up the various tribes and nonhumans of Dragon Pass and Prax in RuneQuest's Glorantha. Or feline up the Avengers.

lyrics

In Dungeons and Dragons, the average housecat
Does one point of damage per round,
An average person has only four hit points,
So only four house cats can take a man down.

And that isn't counting exceptional house cats,
With moxie and spirit and sass,
But by far the most dangerous are feral alleycats,
Who’ve all gained levels in a character class....

Barbarian Cat, he’s big and he's bulky,
And stares down a pit bull before he’ll attack,
Necromancer Cat is slender and sulky,
He lives on one rat, which he kills then brings back.

Rogue cat, he stalks in the shadows
When somebody makes one wrong move, then they're through,
Alchemist Cat roams marshes and meadows,
He needs new ingredients, one might be you.

Wizarding Cat wanders free in the bookstore,
You thought he was hanging around for the hugs.
Sorcerer Cat waits just inside the front door,
He’s on your top shelf, he blends in with your rugs.

Ranger Cat, knows the whole neighborhood,
Knows where to nap and to eat and to drink,
Paladin Cat -- no cats are lawful good,
They don't exist -- really, what did you think?

Druid Cat squats in the maple tree,
Sneers his disdain at the passers below,
Bard Cat, yowls out a melody,
Waits till 3:00 a.m. to put on a show.

Leveled cats, their games mean much more
Than cuddles or kippers or yarn balls or mice.
So if a cat shows up at your front door,
First thing, just make sure he hasn't... got... dice!

credits

from We Don't Talk About Torgo, released May 6, 2022
Image created at Hero Forge

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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