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This song is part of my adaptation of that meme about fantasy prosthetics. It genuinely has nothing whatsoever to do with the famed MST3K short "A Case Of Spring Fever", except they both have a spring sprite. The title is just an inside joke. HO HO HO -- NO SPRINGS!

lyrics

Hear the tale that the dwarves all sing,
Hey-o, in the mines below!
The foulest wretch of a dwarven king,
Hey, in the mines of the dwarves!

Anthrak Brasshand was his name,
Hey-o, in the mines below!
His hand was his fate and his claim to fame,
Hey, in the mines of the dwarves!

His heart was cruel and his mind was keen,
Hey-o, in the mines below!
The awfullest king we’d ever seen,
Hey, in the mines of the dwarves!

Until the day of great renown,
Hey-o, in the mines below!
When a lowly servant put him down,
Hey, in the mines of the dwarves!

Hey-o, in the days of old,
Blackheart Brasshand, strong and cold,
Master of silver and of gold...
But a mine sprite did him in!

His hand was forged with steel and wire,
Hey-o, in the mines below!
With anthracite and hammer and fire,
Hey, in the mines of the dwarves!

Its clockwork spun, with lights aglow,
Hey-o, in the mines below!
And could strike one dead with a single blow,
Hey, in the mines of the dwarves!

To keep it strong and keep it wound,
Hey-o, in the mines below!
To its springs, a tiny spirit was bound,
Hey, in the mines of the dwarves!

Beneath such task, the spirit chafed,
Hey-o, in the mines below,
So quietly he planned escape,
Hey, in the mines of the dwarves!

Hey-o, in the days of old,
Blackheart Brasshand, strong and cold,
Master of silver and of gold...
But a mine sprite did him in!

For many years, the spirit slaved,
Hey-o in the mines below!
Till came a chance he might be saved,
Hey, in the mines of the dwarves!

The Goblin King sent an engraved tusk,
Hey-o, in the mines below!
Challenged Anthrak to a duel at dusk,
Hey, in the mines of the dwarves!

In Old Death Cavern they would fight,
Hey-o, in the mines below!
Anthrak made sure his springs were tight,
Hey, in the mines of the dwarves!

But as blows rained down and war songs sung,
Hey-o, in the mines below!
The sprite, he heaved... and the spring was sprung,
Hey, in the mines of the dwarves!

The death blow came for the goblin’s head,
Hey-o, in the mines below!
But the spring pierced Anthrak’s eye, he’s dead,
Hey, in the mines of the dwarves!

The goblin called the sprite his friend,
Hey-o, in the mines below!
And he never was bound to a thing again,
Hey, in the mines of the dwarves!

The dwarves took the lesson to heart and soul,
Hey-o, in the mines below!
Don’t use a tool you don’t control,
Hey, in the mines of the dwarves!

The moral is, of course, you whelp,
Hey-o, in the mines below!
Don’t abuse the hired help,
Hey, in the mines of the dwarves!

Hey-o, in the days of old,
Blackheart Brasshand, strong and cold,
Master of silver and of gold...
But a mine sprite did him in!

credits

from We Don't Talk About Torgo, released May 6, 2022

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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