There are actually a few Wikipedia-style sources out there for the whys, wherefores, and how-tos of sex (just Google, um, "wiki sex"), but not much in the way of the same thing for women in general, which is where most of us guys really need help. If I ever manage to create that Wiki, I will be a billionaire by month's end. Even if I start on the 27th.
I couldn't get a woman, no matter what I was tryin',
Fancy clothes, fancy car, flowers, candy, good food, expensive wine,
And then one day I wised up... and got myself online.
Now, it isn't dating services or chat rooms that I'm speakin' of,
Streaming porn, mail-order brides, Real Dolls, none o' the above,
But the source of all romantic wisdom, the Wiki of Love.
There's how-to tips and pointers from the finest nerds and geeks,
So much information you could be in there for weeks,
Calculate if she's for you with all the proofs and math,
How to be a gentleman and why to take a bath,
And which ladies like which textures --
Chin smooth, voice rough,
Of course, I'm the other way around,
It's all in the Wiki of Love.
I spent a couple days there, learning everything I could,
Figured I may or may not be nice, but at least I'd be good,
Then I started virtually cruisin' the virtual neighborhood.
The MySpace girls were either fourteen, or would-be supermodel fluff,
LiveJournal chicks were fanfic-clickin' Wiccans, although poly enough,
It's time to go in deeper to the Wiki of Love.
At Townhall they're all stuck-up, at Daily Kos they're bold,
On Google Groups they're freaky, on Yahoo kinda cold.
On Second Life they do things of which my Mom can't be told,
On EverQuest and World of Warcraft, they just want my gold,
Maybe this isn't such a good idea,
The trade's a little rough,
And Sociolotron is just scary,
It's back to the Wiki of Love.
I couldn't understand it, I'd taken all that advice,
Then one day out in Meatspace, I meet this girl, she was really nice,
I tried just being myself, and it seemed to suffice.
She said she liked my textures -- voice smooth, chin rough,
I said "That sounds familiar -- have you been where I'm thinkin' of?"
Turns out we'd both been misled by the Wiki of Love.
We started going through it with a different point of view,
Of terms there were too many, of good techniques too few,
We both signed up as editors, and fixed up stuff all night,
And six months later, we're the ones who really run the site,
And we don't assume a thing,
It's not wisdom handed down from above,
Gee, I guess that means more research,
Fact-checkin' the Wiki of Love.
Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts,
minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come....more