Get all 86 Tom Smith releases available on Bandcamp and save 35%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Outrage and Victimhood, Telly Taley Heart, Wake Up, Dread Cthulhu, I Want A Working Government For Christmas, Inclusion, Gluten Free, Who's Next?, The Four Trump Indictments, and 78 more.
1. |
Aluminum Dog
01:10
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Mommy said I couldn't have another poodle
Last one got sauteed by Koreans with noodles
So I went down to the local Radio Shack
Got a lot a parts, some custom, some off the rack
Some kids like Legos or Lincoln Logs
But I-built-me an aluminum dog.
Every morning ate the paper and my slippers
And his choppers were efficient as wood chippers
He was friendly, but his lick would take your skin off
No one petted him except this one cute thin Goth
She preferred digital to analog,
And she-loved-me for my aluminum dog.
He could play frisbee at eighty-five miles an hour
He could chase cats to the top of the water tower
Then one day I went to take him to get siding
Couldn't find him, I guess he went into hiding
And without him here, my girlfriend isn't carin'
Now I'm lonely -- guess I'll build a Charlize Theron
This song needs no epilogue,
'Cause I-built-me an aluminum dog.
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2. |
Tamales of Death
01:10
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Chali Zapata was certainly not a
Girl popular with the right cliques,
Chali Zapata, persona non grata
Because she was born in the sticks.
The scorn of the Heathers, with brains quite like feathers,
Was heaped on her, freshman through senior,
But always she smiled, a sweet friendly child,
All her loathing hid by her demeanor,
For Chali Zapata had learned from her faddah:
Revenge is best served with harina.
The school was planning for Cinco de Mayo
A potluck like none ever seen,
And everyone cheered when our girl volunteered
Some authentic Mexican cuisine.
On the Festival Day, she had one special tray
For the Heathers, who scarfed each tamale,
But the chilies were hot, and so nobody caught
The slight almondy whiff - more their folly,
And we heard Chali say, as they dragged her away,
"Those were Kali's tamales, by golly."
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3. |
Hung Out? Too Dry
01:09
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I went with my friends to the karaoke bar last night,
got up there to sing, but I knew something wasn't right,
I couldn't hit the low notes and I couldn't hit the high,
I felt like Simon Cowell had a thumb pressed on my eye
I sipped my drink remembering too late for what I'd paid,
It wasn't booze or water, but some fresh-squeezed lemonade,
My lips were pursed, my throat closed up, I lost a perfect third,
But still I gamely tried to sing, and this is what they heard:
(closed-lip version of "You Light Up My Life")
I won.
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4. |
Spam In The Street
01:25
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Sunny day, watching the... workmen play,
They're at lunch, so, quick, let's use the heat,
While the asphalt still is soft
We can all write spam in the street.
Trim your thighs, increase your... penis size,
Great stock buys from someone you... can't... meet,
Why pay cash to advertise
When you can write spam in the street.
It's a pain to work this stuff
But if I work fast enough
It dries before they get back
They can't afford to back track, it's subliminal --
Warehouse drugs, Nigerian e-mail thugs,
Cheap insurance in case you get beat,
Underfoot and in your brain,
Look at all that spam in the street.
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5. |
Chevre No Vas
02:05
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The demoli...tion team...
Was all out on the road...
For they had been fi...nally sent...
Their official "go" code.
The phrase "Goat Meal Tango"...
Was their signal to move,
For they had... a bridge...
That they had to remove.
They left their device on a girder,
right near the base,
Oh, won't some one prevent this foul murder,
this awful disgrace?
They waited on... the ridge...
For their bomb to go "boom",
but then underneath... the bridge...
They saw their plan's doom.
For a bil... ly goat...
Had found their I.E.D.,
The timer went down... her throat...
At T-minus three.
Next came a nice Benny Hill chase scene,
from midnight till morn,
Like a campy film made by Frank Capra,
I guess... Capra-Corn!
I bet you're as...king why...
They didn't shoot her on sight,
Well, I wrote this song, so I...
say they're not very bright.
That goat escaped to her farm,
That's what everyone reckons,
And that timer affected her milk...
It goes down smooth as silk...
And everyone... asks for seconds!
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6. |
Pine Gia-Varnish
01:18
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Ahuh-ahuh-ahuh!
What ails you, friend?
I... am so depressed!
I'm not my best, I feel no zest,
This empty ache inside my breast,
I take no rest, I hear no jest,
I'm quite distressed, I do attest!
Sorry to hear it!
What do you suggest?
I have a plan!
If you've the notion, there's a potion
That's derived from northern wood,
It's a lotion with devotion
from the locals 'cause it's good!
The emotion that's encroachin'
on the wellness of yourself
We'll be broachin' to the ocean
With the stuff that's on the shelf!
Of course! Why didn't I think of it?
No remorse! I'll happily drink from it!
No need to pine, well, yes, there's pine,
But not that pine, as we define,
The choice is mine, it's by design,
I will not whine, wait, I've gone blind,
Now I decline, end of the line,
Set columbine around my shrine,
I'll intertwine with the divine,
I've cut the twine of my lifeline
With turpentine!
(collapses in death)
I meant moonshine!
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7. |
Badger Pajama
01:50
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Badger pajamas,
badger pajamas,
Badger pajamas,
Badger, badger,
Mushroom, mushroom, snake.
Badger pajamas,
I'm wearing badger pajamas,
Badger pajamas,
Badger, badger,
Mushroom, mushroom, snake.
Badger pajamas, badger pajamas,
Badger pajamas, mushroom, mushroom, snake.
Badger pajamas, badger pajamas,
Badger pajamas, mushroom, mushroom, snake.
My eyes are bloody red,
My nights are filled with dread,
This song is in my head,
I can't get it out.
Should not have visited
That web site which they said
Had this animated
Badger singing loud.
Oh...
That...
Fricking badger --
Badger, badger, badger, badger,
Badger, badger, badger, badger,
Badger, badger, badger, badger,
Badger, badger, badger, badger,
Mushroom, mushroom...
Sna-a-a-a-a-a-a-aaaake.
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8. |
Pickled Gopher
01:41
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I was with my baby out in the wood,
And lemme tell ya she was lookin' good,
We were cuddlin' under neath a tree
Then she leans over and whispers to me
"You know, baby, I'm in the mood
For something more exotic than your normal food.
Pickled gopher sounds mighty fine
Pickled gopher and a bottle of wine
Don't want no trouser snake or bald-headed mouse,
No one-eyed wonder worm allowed in the house
No tallywhacker, anaconda of love,
It's just a big pickled gopher I been dreamin' of."
Well, lemme tell ya, I was ready to go,
'Cause she's my baby and I love her so,
But then she pulled out a jar of meat,
Labeled "Big Pickled Gopher" and she started to eat,
I started runnin' just as fast as I could
But I can still hear her voice comin' out o' that wood --
"Pickled gopher sounds mighty fine
Pickled gopher and a bottle of wine
Don't want no meat whistle, carnal stump,
Heat-seeking moisture missile, junket pump,
No purple-helmeted warrior of love,
It's just a big pickled gopher I been dreamin' of."
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9. |
Is A Little VPTR Okay?
00:55
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Where'd you put the pastrami?
It's hangin' right over there,
I can't find the pastrami,
I gave it a VPTR. - Where?
The VPTR is sittin' in front of the cheese,
But where is the cheese? - Look, just follow me, please.
The cheese is in front of the two-day old challah,
Right next to the kishka, And that costs a dollah!
You got a virtual pointer, to hidden pastrami,
Intangible cheese, simulated salami,
Texture-mapped challah and kishka, my friend,
Well, I'm never playing Sim Deli again!
... Hey! Who stole the kishka?
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10. |
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Well, most American Indian tribes
Never paid much attention all their lives
To time beyond the rise and set of the sun.
Some tribes, like kiowa, kept some track,
Painting pictographs on the hide from the back
Of a buffalo -- that's how their calendar begun.
Now there was one, of middling fame,
And no one alive can pronounce his name
But it translated roughly in English to "chaser of time".
He noticed how long different woods would burn,
How long till wet mud would dry to an urn,
And he wanted to figure out nature's reason and rhyme.
See, everyone knew it took longer, say,
To give birth to a life than to take it away,
But it never occurred to them to maybe ask "Why".
Why are there different seasons for blossoming flowers,
Why is meat cooked in minutes while bread can take hours,
Why does winter come when the sun's lower in the sky?
So Chaser of Time went to Devil's Tower,
New Mexico, only that's what we call it -- our
young hero called it "Bear Butte", a name that I prefer
He sacrificed to the Great Spirit and cried,
"I would understand movement and stasis and tide
Please explain how these different times will always occur."
Well, he got on his knees and he lowered his head,
And the next thing you know, a huge voice said,
"All things have their own way, and their own speed.
"The rabbit is swifter than the fox, it is said,
'Cause if he was not, then he'd be dead,
You can learn these patterns if only you will take heed.
"The secrets of time and the universe
Are only a blessing and not a curse
Just remember your place in the wondrous cosmic All.
"Now listen closely and write this down"
But chaser of Time gave a terrible frown,
And said "I can't write" -- and the Spirit said, "Damn. Sorry, y'all."
So that's why the Kiowa don't have clocks,
Why they lived in caves and their tools were rocks
And why you can't hardly find one today, and they are missed.
But they had one advantage, ignoring time,
To figure out nature's reason and rhyme,
They had to feel it -- while we just look at our wrist.
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11. |
Pizza Lovin' Squirrels
01:29
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Deliverin' pizza
Late one night
I got a call
But somethin' wasn't right
Didn't want pepperoni
Mushrooms or cheese
They wanted pine nuts, acorns,
And other stuff from trees!
I thought "vegetarian extremists,
Or prank-playing sorority girls"
But I never expected
Some pizza-lovin' squirrels.
Address was all wooded
Only one person home
Sweet little old lady
Who hadn't used the phone
She was in between dentures
Lactose gave her cramps
I turned to go and saw the pizza
Carried off by two scamps
Musta tapped into the wires,
Decided to give that 'phone call' thing a whirl,
But how'd they sound like David Spade,
Those pizza-lovin' squirrels.
So what could I do?
I chased 'em up the tree
They got to the high part
And laughed down at me
I Said "I'm gonna cut down
Every tree in this yard",
They looked at each other, then one handed
Me a MasterCard.
Now they're some o' my best customers,
I love the way their tails curl
Every time I say "Nuts to you",
Those fine pizza-lovin' squirrels.
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12. |
Rasta Matrix Dot Com
01:39
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Sitting down at my computer
Searching for I-tal snacks
When the screen started glowing
And the screen talks back
It says,
I am the Emperor of Zion,
I am the Lord your God,
I am the spirit of the Lion,
Download me to your iPod.
I don't remember smoking ganja,
Or getting hit on the head,
So I loaded up my iPod
And I did what the computer said
And now I've got an I-and-iPod,
And everyone who sees us believes
In a Rastafarian Matrix
With Ziggy Fishburne and Elijah Reeves.
And when we worship the Trinity.
We mean the one in the leather suit,
So come log on to RastaMatrix Dot Com
And discover your directory roots.
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13. |
The Feud, The Proud
01:46
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The Hatfields and the McCoys
Have been at it since they were boys,
But muskets and traps have been put under wraps
In favor of new techie toys.
Ol' Manfred McCoy built a hound,
Fifteen feet tall, and three thousand pounds,
A cast-iron killer, he called it Dawgzilla,
Ain't a Hatfield it can't bring to ground.
Well, Clem Hatfield struck back with panache,
Wanted somethin' too hefty to smash,
It was tough an' it stank, so he called it Septic Tank,
Just a cannon on a dumpster for trash.
Then the kids wanted in on the fun,
Tried creatin' a new kind o' gun,
Little Elmer and Bonita made a meat-an'-greet repeater,
hand-crank meat grinder with an M-1.
They went into the cornfield at dawn,
And like Mills Lane, said "Let's get it on!"
But Dawgzilla chased some squirrels, Elmer wouldn't play with girls,
And the dumpster rolled downhill, an' it's gone.
So the Hatfields and the McCoys
Have abandoned their new techie toys
Ain't exactly a truce, both have just gone recluse,
An', quite frankly, I don't miss the noise.
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14. |
Theme From "Space Squid"
01:36
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From the other side of the galaxy,
Came a U.F.O. as big as could be,
Out came a giant cephalapod,
Wearing blue spandex on his bod
He said, "All your hostilities, cease!
I'm not an enemy, I come in peace,
I am here to save you from
The deadly menaces yet to come."
He can fight, he can fly,
He always says "do or die",
He's... Space Squid, and he's come here to save the world.
So our hero, the Mollusk of Might,
The Cosmic Calimari, is ready to fight
Against the forces that evil sends
And for his Japanese child friends
This is Ken, and that's his sister,
She had a name, but we musta missed 'er,
And together, these exciting three
Battle against Doctor Sashimi.
He can swim, he can squirt,
You can hit him and he won't get hurt,
He's... Space Squid, friend to every boy and girl.
He's... Space Squid, and he's come here to save the world.
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15. |
Aggressively Cute
01:34
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We're just so wonderful, please buy our stuff
'Cause if you don't, we might have to get rough,
We're the best singers of our style and age
Better agree or we'll have a match inside a steel
Cage, we're so beautiful, come see our flicks,
We're endearing, at least to you hicks,
Young budding womanhood, brimming with class,
So buy what we sell or we might have to come and kick your
Ass, 'cause our honor's at stake here
For you, we feel contempt and hate
We've got some cash in to rake here
Me and my sister Mary-Kate.
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16. |
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Owww, it's a white turd got into my kitchen,
No, that's some bean curd, I better stop bitchin'.
(got the bean curd) Get it into my wok,
(got the bean curd) Someone turn back the clock.
(got the bean curd) Get it into my wok,
(got the bean curd) Someone turn back the clock.
(got the bean curd) Get it into my wok,
(got the bean curd) Someone turn back the clock.
(got the bean curd) Get it into my wok,
(got the bean curd) Someone turn back the clock.
(got the bean curd) Get it into my wok,
(got the bean curd) Someone turn back the clock.
I got... sixty minutes, got to make a good stir fry
Got fifty minutes, this sashimi is dry,
Got forty minutes, and my rice is too sticky,
Got thirty minutes, want my cute assistant...
to give me a quicky (dew dew dew dew dew dewwwwww)
A hickie quicky (dew dew dew dew dew dewwwwww)
While we're both cookin' it's tricky (dew dew dew dew dew dewwwwww)
C'mon, honey, right here on the... cheek (dew dew dew dew dew dewwwwww)
Everything in this dish is the right flavor, you know,
But the colors are wrong, gimme a splash of merlot,
I'll splash it on the tofu, which now blushes like a rose,
At least I've got a chance, Kaga would've turned up his nose
At a white turd (dew dew dew dew dew dewwwwww....)
At a white turd (dew dew dew dew dew dewwwwww....)
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17. |
Strontium Asp
02:47
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The playstation game series Metal Gear
Has got a new version every year,
It always stars that Solid Snake,
I mean, he's good, but gimme a break.
I'm a liquid metal guy,
My pyrotechnics light the sky,
I can slither right across the floor --
Who could want anything more?
Strontium Asp, the noble assassin,
Strontium Asp, He's kickin' your ass in,
Strontium Asp, he'll take out that fake,
Strontium Asp, The Real
Solid Snake.
Snake's so proud that he works alone,
Except for Deep Throat on the phone,
Roy, Natasha, and Master Miller,
Whole lotta help for a solo killer.
I'll get around those walking tanks,
A grateful world will give me thanks,
And then I'll get even more outlandish,
Make a Mei Ling, Meryl and Naomi sandwich.
Strontium Asp, the soft metal viper,
Strontium Asp, I'll Wolf down that Sniper,
Strontium Asp, Vulcan's gonna be Raven,
Strontium Asp, I'll turn Ocelot craven,
Strontium Asp, Mantis better be prayin',
Strontium Asp, Octopus I'll be slayin',
Strontium Asp, just wait and see,
Strontium Asp, The Big Boss is
Waiting for me.
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18. |
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There were two tribes, they were at war, for all the world to see,
A big cash prize they battled for, but who’d claim victory?
They played their games, they screamed, they fought, a nation’s nerves were stretching taut,
It isn’t right, it isn’t fair, so, listen up, I want my share –
I want my music on Napster,
I want the world to say, “Wow”!
Some say I’m losing money,
Like I’m making it now.
I want my music on Napster,
Metallica, leave ‘em alone,
You want your bloated profits,
I just wanna be known.
Opponents say the fans are wrong, that bootlegs are no joke,
A perfect copy of a song means artists will go broke,
But studies show the Napster fans buy albums of their favorite bands,
And if a singer feels the Muse, he sings -- and if he’s broke, it’s Blues --
I want my music on Napster,
I want the people to hear,
Some say I’m taking chances,
Like I’ve got something to fear.
Somebody get me there faster,
I want to finally arrive,
You want your big-time cash cow,
And I just wanna survive.
It costs a buck to make a major label CD, and they sell it for about fifteen,
Another two-fifty goes to the artists, the profit margin’s just obscene.
Metallica’s worried they’re missing the prize, what’s the real problem, boys?
Are you afraid fans’ll listen, and realize that your stuff is awful noise?
The Internet’s made billionaires of losers with no plan,
So why can’t it cough up some shares for one hard-working man?
My fans applaud my music skills, but my mundane job pays the bills,
Oh, won’t somebody please put me into your Shared Directory?
I want my music on Napster,
I know the people ain’t dumb,
Some say I’ll only be ripped off,
I’ll show ‘em my fans aren’t scum.
I want my music on Napster,
Where smaller artists are grown,
You want your bloated profits --
Man, I just wanna be known.
I want my, I want my, I want my MP3….
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19. |
HeeHaw Field Earth
00:58
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You used to be Vinnie, Vinnie Barbarino.
You Greased up your hair, and sang "Summer Nights",
Saturday Night Fever made you a dancer,
And then from the public you dropped out of sight.
You did plastic bubbles, you looked at Who's Talking?
And for twenty years you did nothing of worth,
But Pulp Fiction, Face/Off, and Primary Colors
Revived you -- so you could make Battlefield Earth.
Where, oh, where are you tonight?
Why don't your agent call on the phone?
You searched the world over for profoundness and truth, but
You met the "Hubbards" and PTHBBPT! You was gone.
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20. |
Twelve Days of Star Wars
03:25
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On the first day of Star Wars, my true love gave to me
A pod racer in a pear tree.
On the second day of Star Wars, Artoo Deetoo said to me,
"Beedle beedle boop"
And a pod racer in a pear tree.
On the third day of Star Wars, a robot said to me,
"Three-pio,"
"Beedle beedle boop,"
And a pod racer in a pear tree.
On the fourth day of Star Wars, Darth Vader said to me,
"The Force is strong in this one,"
"Three-pio,"
"Beedle beedle boop,"
And a pod racer in a pear tree.
On the fifth day of Star Wars, Chewbacca said to me:
"GRONNK GRONK-GRONK GRONNNK!"
"Force is strong in this one,"
"Three-pio,"
"Beedle beedle boop,"
And a pod racer in a pear tree.
On the sixth day of Star Wars, George Lucas said to me,
"There'll be six episodes,"
"GRONNK GRONK-GRONK GRONNNK!"...
On the seventh day of Star Wars, Luke Skywalker said to me,
"I'm savin' both my friends,"
"Six episodes"...
On the eighth day of Star Wars, the Emperor said to me,
"Your hate will make you strong,"
"Savin' both my friends"...
On the ninth day of Star Wars, young Anakin said to me,
"I'm nine but I'm mature,"
"Hate will make you strong"...
On the tenth day of Star Wars, Amidala said to me,
"Wait ten more years,"
"Nine but I'm mature"...
On the eleventh day of Star Wars, Obi-Wan said to me,
"We're a-leavin' Tatooine,"
"Ten more years"...
On the twelfth day of Star Wars, Yoda said to me:
"Mm-MMMmmm! Backwards teach you to sing, I have!"
"A-leavin' Tatooine,"
"Ten more years,"
"Nine but I'm mature,"
"Hate will make you strong,"
"Savin' both my friends,"
"Six episodes,"
"GRONNK GRONK-GRONK GRONNNK!"
"Force is strong in this one,"
"Three-pio,"
"Beedle beedle boop,"
And a pod racer in a pear tree!
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Tom Smith Ann Arbor
Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more
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