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Where On The Ship Is Carmen Miranda?

from Arrivederci 2020 by Tom Smith

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First: For those who do not get the references, many years ago Leslie Fish released a song called "Carmen Miranda's Ghost Is Haunting Space Station Three". This song riffs on that song, in the same way Peter Schilling's "Major Tom" riffs on David Bowie's "Space Oddity".

Bluntly, I forgot I'd written this. Twenty-five years ago, for a Mystery Usenet Theater post. I found it, I laughed a lot, I realized it needed a bit of polish (and an extra verse and bridge), and so here we go. I learned a few things from this: first, I really am not a self-barbershop-quartet singer, so I cheated, leaving in a backing track and twiddling the bass.

Second, the various chord sites online -- you know, where you search for a song and they tell you what chords the song has? Well, NONE of them know the actual chords to this thing. A couple came close, but not close enough. That was a whole day of listening to the original over and over and over....

(The others songs referenced in the last verse are "Horse Tamer's Daughter" by Julia Ecklar, "Like A Lamb To The Slaughter" by Frank Hayes, and "Don't Push That Button" by Duane Elms. All filk classics.)

lyrics

Well, she was an entertainer,
Come from Portugal, not Spain-a,
And her neck she'd always strain-a,
From those baskets on her head.
Now she does a ghostly rhumba
Up on Space Station Number
Three --
Where on the ship is Carmen Miranda?

Straight through Customs she can hurdle,
With a grapefruit in her girdle,
And her coconut milk won't curdle
'Cause it's fresh from the undead.
She's sassy and she's curvy,
And she'll save the crew from scurvy,
Tell me --
Where on the ship is Carmen Miranda?

She tangos with mangoes,
Fandangos with tangelos,
Lychee and Kiwi,
Bananas, star fruit!

Well, she's tangy, sweet, and juicy,
"Babaloo"s like Ricky and Lucy,
Every night she lets the crew see through her,
Singing them to bed.
We’ve gone from a boring station
To a Brazilian vacation,
Tell me --
Where on the ship is Carmen Miranda?

Why is she a spectre?
Could no one protect her
From Hannibal Lecter,
Where were Sam and Dean?

Oom oom POW, shikka shikka
Oom oom POW, shikka shikka
Oom oom POW, shikka shikka
DEAD BUT STILL KIND OF ALIVE!

Well, we don't know why we got her,
Coulda been Horse Tamer's Daughter,
Or a Lamb gone to the Slaughter,
Or don't push that button, Fred.
But she's wild and she's pleasin',
And I want more of her fresh squeezin',
Tell me --
Where on the ship is Carmen Miranda?
Where on the ship is Carmen Miranda?

credits

from Arrivederci 2020, released August 28, 2021
Music: "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?" by Sean Altman and David Yazbek

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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