Two Guys Kissin' Ruined My Life

from by Tom Smith



There are genuine anti-gay fear-mongers out there. They makes me crazy on a number of levels, because every gay person I've ever met has been exactly like every non-gay person I've ever met, except for who they'd prefer to take to the prom. I suppose it's possible that I'm sheltered, and I've met only "almost-normal" gays or somethin'... but I really don't think so.

Meanwhile, the right-wing religious nuts act as if civilization is literally going to collapse if we tolerate two guys snogging on the street. They must really be great kissers. I mean, if the very sight of Teh Gay is enough to make men abandon their marriages, no wonder it's so dangerous!

This, of course, has never happened to anybody anywhere.

Until now.

Note: I rerecorded this song in 2009, because I wasn't happy with the instrumentation and I had a couple of lyrical tweaks which I thought made it work better. This is that version. The original track is a bonus on this album.


I was sittin' at home the other day
Beer in hand, pizza on the way,
An' Turner Classic Movies -- not Turner and Hooch.

Christopher Reeve and Michael Caine
Were drivin' Dyan Cannon insane,
But after they killed her, I saw the two of 'em smooch.

I hadn't felt so weird since I was young,
I'm not sure but I think there mighta been tongue,
And I didn't understand -- they both were men!

Then a voice in my head said, "Yeah, so what?"
And I noticed Chris had a real nice butt
And I knew I was never gonna be the same again.

Well, I walked the straight and narrow,
But now it's a little bent,
I used to be full hetero,
I wonder where that went,
Have to quit being a Scoutmaster,
Do I have to leave my wife?
Two guys kissin' ruined my life.

I shook my head and I changed the channel
And I saw some guy wearin' a cap and flannel
Sayin' he was a lumberjack and he was okay

I kept on surfin', got Brokeback Mountain,
Rocky Horror, The Birdcage, and I stopped countin'
When I got to Bravo and the whole damn network was gay.

I sat and I squirmed with the funniest feelin',
I figured I needed some sexual healin' --
Oh! That's by MARVIN Gaye, oh, my achin' head.

I'd'a sworn I was straight till I saw that kissin',
But it'd shown me somethin' I'd been missin' --
I'd ruled out half of humanity sharin' my bed.

Well, the techniques all look normal,
But the details are kinda weird,
Does a mustache act like Velcro
When it runs into a beard?
Agonizing' reappraisal
Has caused me endless strife,
Two guys kissin' ruined my life.

The internet and magazines, and every film and book,
This slashy stuff is all I'm seein' everywhere I look,
When football players watch each other, it seems more intense
And all this Harry/Draco stuff is starting to make sense.

Each time I thought about it, I wondered, should I try
To have a close encounter with another horny guy?
'Cause it would still be cheatin' on my wife, I'm pretty sure,
I could tell her "It ain't another woman" -- but it sure as heck ain't her.

Then my mouth wrote a check I couldn't afford,
We was watchin' the People's Choice Awards --
Hugh Jackman and Jude Law gettin' touchy-feely.

I said, "Yeah, I bet they're the People Choice,
Even I might like kissin' one o' them boys,"
And my wife said in a sultry voice, "Really?"

Since then our love life is frickin' unreal,
We've learned to share, how to say what we feel,
She tells me her fantasies, and I tell her mine.

It's more romance than we've ever had,
But there is one thing that makes me mad --
I've gotten addicted to Queer Eye and Top Design.

My NASCAR buddies shun me,
And my parish said "Goodbye",
But the girls down at the office
Think I'm their kinda guy,
I've lost all my machismo,
With acceptance I am rife,
Two guys kissin' ruined my life.
Two guys kissin' ruined my life.


from iTom 3​.​0: True Love Waits, released May 11, 2007




Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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