Time Plot

from by Tom Smith

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I think it was the fourteenth time-travel story in Season Two of Star Drek: Voyager that spawned this. I honestly can't remember, and it honestly doesn't matter, because -- even with the new movie franchise -- they're still doing it.

lyrics

It's astounding that Starfleet has
No working time machine,
So listen closely, Deep Space, Next Gen and Voyager,
I've got to keep this clean.

I remember "... Edge of Forever,"
Look at what's happened to Trek since then.
What was done uniquely now is practically weekly --
Let's do the Time Plot again!
Let's do the Time Plot again!

It's just a temporal shift --
A Cosmic Entity just-can't-get-it-right!
Put your hands on your phasers --
Misunderstand and fi-i-ight!
Apologize and tru-u-u-ust --
This stuff'll drive you insay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ane!
Let's do the Time Plot again!
Let's do the Time Plot again!

I feel disgusted, reality's busted,
The timeline we trusted ain't there at all.
I change something teeny, my mom's Mussolini,
I break wind, and galactic empires fall.

We can make up new babble, with a tile set from Scrabble,
Dropped into a word processor on blend.
Give us visual whiz tricks, but ignore math and physics --
Let's do the Time Plot again!
Let's do the Time Plot again!

Well, I was walking down the street when Sherlock Holmes
Summoned up a big demon with some ancient tomes,
The British Royal Navy got me safe offshore,
Then sold me into slavery, behind the Green Door.
I signed up for an interstellar Trek,
Now I'm gonna take a hatchet to the Holodeck!

Let's do the Time plot again!
Let's do the Time plot again!

(tapitty-tap-ta-tap-ta-tap)
Eight, six, four, two, we can blame it all on "Q"!

Eat your heart out, Marty McFly!

Let's do the Time Plot again!
Let's do the Time Plot again!

It's just a temporal shift --
We try explaining it, but just-can't-get-it-right!
Break out the techno-babble --
It's Science Fiction Lite!
Ignore the stuff you kno-o-o-ow --
This stuff'll rot your bray-ay-ay-ay-ay-ain!
Let's do the Time Plot again!
Let's do the Time Plot again!

credits

from Debasement Tapes, released May 25, 1999
Music: "Time Warp" by Richard O'Brien
Additional Vocals: Anne Schneider and Karen Foran Underwood
Tap Dancing: Karen Foran Underwood

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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