Stupid Belated Valentine

from by Tom Smith

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This one is obvious, straightforward, and I hope only dripping with a fraction of the contempt I feel for the marketing geniuses at Hallmark who hype "Valentine's Week". A pox and a plague and a case of herpes and another case of moldy chocolates on all of you. Guys already have more than enough to worry about in any given relationship, thank you, and we really do try, and who the hell needs the added pressure of the flower, candy, and greeting card industries trying to make their respective bottom lines?

And we do it anyway, because we wuv our honey wunnies. We're so frickin' weak.

lyrics

There's a time in February
When the world goes red and pink
When the Hallmark zombies eat your brains
So a guy can't even think
When a dozen long-stemmed roses
Are the minimum to give
But I forgot to do it yesterday
And my God I want to live

Here's a stupid belated Valentine
For my stupid one true love
From the stupid guy who forgot to buy
Something for my turtle dove
All the candy hearts are bunnies now
And the flowers all are gone
So the closest I'm going to get
Is this stupid song

There are three days that you can't forget
If you want romance to work,
And the one time you miss one of them
You go from prince to jerk,
Anniversaries can slip your mind,
Birthdays get swept under rugs,
But the only way to miss Valentine's
Is some really darn good drugs

Here's a stupid belated Valentine
For the girl that I adore
In the hope I won't find all my
Stuff thrown out the front door
All the stuffed bears are on discount
And I'm really up the creek,
'Cause the days of wine and roses
were last week.

I could tell you how bad work has got,
Or how traffic held me back,
How your card was et by my dog Spot,
How some aliens attacked
How my horoscope advised me
Not to spend my cash just yet,
Anything that might convince you
That I didn't just forget.

Here's a gift card from a jewelry store
And another from The Gap,
Here's a real-life cabana boy
Who'll dance upon your lap.
Here's a bottle of Pinot Grigio
From nineteen-ninety-two,
Here's a promise that I'll think of you
When Hallmark wants me to.

Here's a stupid belated Valentine
For my stupid one true love,
From your stupid friend who next time will spend
A hundred bucks or above,
But I don't need a calendar
To tell you I feel this way...
Still, remind me when it's
Almost Sweetest Day.

credits

from iTom 3​.​0: True Love Waits, released May 11, 2007

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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