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Spoiler Alert

from In Concert: Sasquan 2015 by Tom Smith

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My lady friend HATES spoilers. Hate hate hate. I have learned to be cautious. Some people... not so much.

lyrics

I've got a good friend who I talk to a lot
About books or movies or whatever's hot,
But lately she tells me that she'd rather not,
Just because she ain't seen 'em when I spill the plot.

She says,
"Spoiler Alert, Spoiler Alert,
Like too much asparagus spoils your dessert,
I want to discover this stuff by myself,
I had no idea Mr. Smith was an elf."

And he and Frodo jump into the Matrix, and meet Dumbledore the White,
And this really hot babe named Trinity, who fights vampires with Wesley Snipes.
Or Wolverine -- I can never keep those two straight....

It isn't my fault I read faster than she,
Or catch all the previews they show on TV,
Or download the movies so fast the cops blanch
Or hack the computers at Skywalker Ranch.

Okay, that one might be a little my fault.

She says,
"Spoiler alert, spoiler alert,
Sit down and shut up or you're gonna get hurt,
I want to discover this stuff on my own,
And it's hard to strangle you over the phone."

Leia's his sister, and Vader's his dad,
What could I have said that would make her so mad?
Norman Bates' mom is dead, Bruce Willis is a ghost,
And Jesus comes back three days after he's toast.

One day she came over, grinning with glee,
And said "Now you'll know how it feels to be me,
I have here the pictures, the scripts and the proof,
King Kong beats Godzilla, and that is the truth.

And then Kong takes a grappling gun,
And he shoots it up at the International Space Station,
And he climbs up there, and he's waving his arms around, bellowing,
And he's holding either Milla Jovavich, Tea Leoni, or Paris Hilton in a skintight body suit
(Although it's airless space so you can't actually hear him bellowing,
And she's s'dang skinny you can't tell it's skintight).
And then Richard Hatch comes --
Not the Survivor guy but the good one --
And he and Starbucks offer Kong some Mocha Chocalatta Ya Ya,
Which Kong BATS away with one swipe of his mighty paw,
And so they send up their ancient biplane Tie fighters
(Which don't have computers so the Vorlons can't control them),
And they shoot him down and he falls all the way to earth, lands on top of a Zippo lighter factory,
And Jack Black looks down and says,
'It was Butane killed the beast'."

Spoiler Alert, Spoiler Alert,
I was wrong, I'm sorry, check out my hair shirt.
I finally get it, I want to stay friends,
And so I'm not telling you how this song.

credits

from In Concert: Sasquan 2015, released August 9, 2016

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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