Sheep Marketing Ploy (The Ballad of Fenton)

from by Tom Smith

/

about

After MagiCon (the 1992 World SF Convention, in Orlando, FL), I went to the Disney-MGM Studios with Leslie, Bill Roper, and Gretchen Van Dorn (now Roper). The absolute high point was an otherwise innocuous (and in fact now completely redesigned, not for the better) attraction known as The Monster Sound Show. This theater featured a five-minute comedy-horror film starring Chevy Chase as a hapless door-to-door insurance salesman and Martin Short as the twisted little wretch trying -- and failing -- to off him. The sound effects were on a separate track, so they could be removed, so that new effects could be put in by selected audience participants. A rather chilling exercise in public humiliation, really, but this is comedy.

To our delight, Bill was chosen to work the Foley Pit (no relation to Mick), a wooden tray on the floor with different surfaces (wood, concrete, dirt, and gravel) to create the sounds of footsteps.

One of the others chosen was a very, very large man with a buzz-cut (physically reminiscent of the dolt husband Bob in the comic strip Suburban Cowgirls). His name was Fenton, and he was assigned to push a few buttons that would trigger electronic effects. Since this didn't seem too taxing, he was also called upon to provide Martin Short's evil laugh.

The best he could do was a basso castrato "BAAAAAAH! BAAAAAAH!"

In the front row, Les, Gretchen, and I lost it. "He sounds like a sheep from hell!" Even the Cast Member running the show agreed -- "Yeah, he does kinda sound like a sheep."

So, here we are. Turns out Fenton is inept at button pushing. Everybody else is waving tin sheets for thunder, cranking rattleboxes for shutters, Bill figures the best way to do the footsteps is to try and keep up with Chevy Chase's movements and he's watching the screen intently and dancing around all over the place and gravel is flying just everywhere -- and all the electronic effects are coming in way, way late, and every now and then, Fenton remembers to bellow out, "BAAAAAAH! BAAAAAAH!"

By the time we left, Fenton The Death Sheep From Hell was born.

One quick annotation about the lyrics: After the beautiful and talented Shari Lewis died, several people told me I should rewrite the song to reflect her passing. Uh, no, guys. This isn't simultaneous past and present tense. If you presume that the events of the first verse took place before Ms. Lewis's passing, not only is the song quite grammatically correct, but you've just told yourself that Hell exists, and it's run by a sheep.

lyrics

Once, in a land far away, on a beautiful day,
On a wide grassy knoll,
There was a cute little sheep, who was drifting to sleep,
When the earth opened up...
... and swallowed him whole!

Way down in the fiery lake, Lucifer had a lot at steak,
But he wanted some lamb chops instead, and Shari Lewis wasn't dead,
So he kidnapped some virgin wool, grabbed its soul and began to pull,
But he never thought that the lamb he'd caught
Would rebel and then conquer and rule.

Now he's Fenton, Lord of the Inferno,
Fenton, Demon King of the Dell,
Fenton, eyes of flame, breath of Sterno,
Fenton, Death Sheep from Hell.
BAA-AA-AHH!

He's right out of a storybook, but the signs are there if you know to look,
Nasty moustache on his face, sheep are tenors, but this one's a bass,
It's a nearly complete disguise, except for the fangs and the glowing eyes,
If the lion lies down with the lamb, he'll be found
In three pieces of varying size.

Thanks to Fenton, Overlord of the Ovis,
Fen-Tongue, does his breath ever smell.
Fenton, chew some parsley or clove-is,
Fenton, Death Sheep from Hell.

He's a strategist and a conspirer, with a few dozen enemies' lists,
And the Weekly World News and Enquirer are afraid to admit he exists.
He's a devious mind without equals, and if you're convinced that I'm wrong,
Take a look at the various sequels that I'm going to write to this song!

Death Sheep from Hell is the first, you see,
Who he is, how he came to be,
Then it's done, but what can you do
To stop the shear terror of Fenton 2?
The story would not be complete
Without Death Sheep 3: The Last Heart Bleat.
Apparently killed, he comes back for more
In the savage sequel, Death Sheep 4:

Lamb of doom, baa-ba-baa-baa, baa-ba-baa-ba-baa,
Lamb of doom, baa-ba-baa-baa, baa-ba-baa-ba-baa.

After that one, we get to meet Olga, the one girl sheep to whom he is true,
And their lovemaking gets pretty vulgah in Death Sheep 5: Ewe Devil, Ewe!
But the forces of goodness are scheming to slay him and bring the world peace,
And you'll spend nearly two hours screaming at Fenton 6: Rest in Fleece.

And after it's over, he'll be in the cool earth,
At rest in the clover... hmm. What is his wool worth?
But don't think that Heaven is finally winning --
Watch for Death Sheep 7: A New Baa-Ginning!

Starring Fenton, he's a cuddly disaster,
Fenton, and I'm hoping he'll sell,
Fenton, Dark Prince of the pasture,
I'll send Spielberg an offer letter --
If he won't bite, a demonic sweater --
What could be better than Fenton, the Death Sheep from Hell!
BAA-AA-AHH!

credits

from Domino Death, released May 20, 1994
Words and Music: Tom Smith
with a quick melodic quote at the beginning
from "The William Tell Overture (2nd Movement)" by Giaochino Rossini

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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