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Quit Freaking Out Over Boobs

from Release the Unreleased! by Tom Smith

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about

The world is going to heck in a handbasket, but all the news seems to be able to report about is the shocking, brazen amounts of skin shown by female celebrities wearing... bathing suits. Stage costumes. Actual normal clothes. It's like the entire news industry has been co-opted by the Temperance League or somethin'. So, this song is about that. If you can't handle the title of the song, you can't handle the song; conversely, if you CAN handle the title of the song, nothing here should offend your delicate sensibilities any further. Probably.

lyrics

Mitt Romney’s a liar and he has no plan,
We’re still at war in Afghanistan,
Our money’s being stolen by rich old farts,
But the news is all about woman parts.

Kim Kardashian looking bored,
Rihanna in a bathing suit -- oh my lord
Christina Aguilera showing off some skin
What alternate dimension are these pundits in?

Quit freaking out over boobs,
You’re not impressing the rubes,
You’re clogging up the intertubes,
Quit freaking out over boobs.

Jenny Love Hewitt on a TV show
She shoulda known better, not the place to go
The stupid host is known for sleaze
Gives her a poster of her double D’s

Lady Gaga in a sexy crouch,
everybody heads for the fainting couch,
The skin-colored outfit she chose to wear
Doesn’t have real nipples or pubic hair

Quit freaking out over boobs,
Go to your room with some lube,
You’re acting like a bunch of n00bz,
Quit freaking out over boobs.

Since the dawn of time, guys have gotten woodies
When they get a glimpse of their ladies’ goodies.
But some get offended, some get afraid,
I suspect they’re the ones not getting laid

The only thing better than something hidden
Is something someone else says is forbidden
If you think God’s sending naked people to hell
Remember he made us naked then he didn’t tell

You moral scolds, you stuck-up jerks,
It’s getting old, it never works,
And you’ve all forgotten where you come from,
The first boobs you saw were on your MUM!

Quit freaking out over breasts,
They’re only part of her chest,
A couple nice girly bits,
Quit freaking out over bosums.

Quit freaking out over busts,
Come over here and hang with us,
Here’s a pornographic Rubik’s Cube
Quit freaking out over boobs.

WHAT ARE YOU, NINE!?
... [sigh] Boobs.

Outtake lyric from the bridge:

It’s only a nipple and a pound of meat,
But some folks go crazy at a naked teat.
The Sexual Revolution still is on
The puritans and calvinists still ain’t gone
They can’t deal with hot and heavy romancing
‘Cause they’re scared that it might lead to dancing4

credits

from Release the Unreleased!, released October 1, 2013

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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