Pygmalion 2​.​0, SP1

from by Tom Smith



One of the ultimate male fantasies is having some kind of Love Machine -- to be blunt, a robot that looks exactly like a woman but will fulfill your every command, that is, sexual request. And won't nag you to take out the garbage or turn down the TV. And doesn't expect anything in return. (I know most of you are thinking Cherry 2000 or Galaxina or AF709 or something like that, but the really chilling version is The Stepford Wives.)

Of course, the whole scenario has a glaring problem (among many): Even to most guys, as in guys, sex as the lynchpin of a "relationship" alone is nowhere near enough for the long term, or even very much of a short term. If it turns out that you are one of the guys for whom sex alone is enough... well, you'll likely be having lots of sex alone. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Note: The last line of the song has been revised since the original post. It used to be, "But just in case, I bookmarked that Amazon page", which some people found creepy. I just found it creepier. I mean, we are talking about a guy who bought a sex bot.


I've got a sex droid, ordered it from Amazon,
On the secret pages that they tell you don't exist.
She is amazing, programmed to do anything,
ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, and I have got a list.

Her remote control has more buttons than a fabric store,
And her eight attachments fit sixty-nine ways.
Fully functional, she does everything you want and more,
So don't try to reach me for at least a few days.

I've got a love doll, cost a frickin' lotta bucks,
Looks like Salma Hayek 'cept her skin is soft chrome.
Maintenance-free, never takes over the bathroom,
Messes with my TiVo or redecorates my home.

She was really quiet so I upgraded her audio,
When they say Creative sound card, ain't no lie,
So now when I lie back while she performs a Latin term,
I can tell she likes it just as much as I.

I've got a robot, she's my very best friend,
She doesn't try to change me or drag me down,
Sure, she's a sexbot, that was why I got her, but
I find I tend to talk to her as much as fool around

Her canned responses are getting more repetitive,
Although there's an upgrade to make her more verbose.
And when we make love, I'm being lots more sensitive,
I want to make her happy, I like it when she's close.

I've got a sex droid, I was getting too attached,
But the thing is only just a stupid machine,
I brought her flowers and candy, and she frickin' crashed,
Hang on, honey, reboot and I'll read what's on your screen.

"Operating System software has been compromised,
Would you like to install another O.S.?"
All that I've got here is some open-source that's optimized
For music composition, but I'll try it, I guess.

I've got a girlfriend, beautiful and wonderful,
Blessed be the day I installed that hack,
She's more intelligent, humorous and versatile,
And best of all she says that she loves me back.

Now and then we get into these stupid little conflicts
But that's just the open-source talking, not rage,
We are living proof humans, love and droids can all mix --
Ummm, honey? Why'd you bookmark that Amazon page?


from iTom 3​.​0: True Love Waits, released May 11, 2007




Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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