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Pumpkin King

from Arrivederci 2020 by Tom Smith

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John Ickes asked for this. It was really fun to write. Listen for cameos by Oogie Boogie, Beetlejuice, and a couple of very lost weebs. Many thanks to Anne for help with final buffing of the lyrics.

lyrics

Oh, better far that I should die
Here in the graveyard where I lie
Than play a violent, snarky part
With a severed head and a ripped-out heart.

Away with the awful slasher flicks,
Where worn-out monsters have worn-out shticks.
No, I'll be true to the song I sing,
And live (... ehh...) and die... a pumpkin king!

For... I…
Am the Pumpkin King!
And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Pumpkin King!
I am the Pumpkin King!
(He is! Hurrah for the pumpkin King!)
My Santa Claus try was foolish, and I shall be the Pumpkin King!
(He is! Hurrah for the Pumpkin King, hurrah for the Pumpkin King!)

When my Sally comes to watch me dance
I assume a proudly spooky stance.
I evoke a few more screams, it’s true,
As an undead monarch ought to do.

But many a king, if he’d celebrate,
Must follow the dictates of his fate,
And I might scare every girl and boy,
But it’s all in fun, and they scream... with... joy!

For... I…
Am the Pumpkin King!
(He is! Too right! for the Pumpkin King!)
And it is, it is a “spoopy” thing to be the Pumpkin King!
I am the Pumpkin King!
(It's that whole... y'know... being dead thing)
Bring around my hearse! I’ve one more verse to sing as Pumpkin King!
(He is! Bonzai for the Pumpkin King, Kawaii! for the Pumpkin King!) (He is my waifu!) (notice me, sempai!)

That child who waits in the pumpkin patch,
For presents from my secret stash
Will soon find out, to his shock and fear,
That his blue blanket’s not that sincere.

I’ve got some tricks that aren't so nice
For purveyors of all things pumpkin spice.
And stores whose Christmas stuff’s on display
Will learn to wait till after... my... day!

For... I…
Am the Pumpkin King!
(Yeah yeah, blah blah for the Pumpkin King)
Christmas had its run, Halloween’s more fun when you're the Pumpkin King!
I am the Pumpkin King!
(Random cheers)
And I’m keeping my eye on Thanksgiving since I’m the Pumpkin King!
(He is! [gobble gobble] for the Pumpkin King, hurrah! for the Pumpkin... King!)

credits

from Arrivederci 2020, released August 28, 2021
Music: "O Better Far To Live And Die" by Sir Arthur Sullivan

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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