We’ve updated our Terms of Use to reflect our new entity name and address. You can review the changes here.
We’ve updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.

Mythical Frederick

from iTom 1​.​0: And So It Begins by Tom Smith

/

about

I get buttloads of spam. And I have to check everything, because occasionally something I need gets tagged and dumped into the Bulk folder. It doesn't help that spam generators have gotten weird over the past several months: in ever-more-sophisticated attempts to bypass filters, they've taken to everything from overly sincere exhortations that the writer truly believes there is no better deal available online, to excerpts from poetry or works of fiction, to Strangeass Q. Sendernames, to simple random phrases.

Well, one day something came through with the subject line, "mythical Frederick". I grinned and sang to myself, "Mythical Frederick doesn't exist -- that's why he's got me so bloody pissed", and suddenly realized I was about to write a Beatles pastiche.

lyrics

Mythical Frederick doesn't exist.
That's why he's got me so bloody pissed.
Clogged up the drain of my shower with hair,
I can't complain 'cause Frederick's not there.

Mythical Frederick ate all the jam,
Bought the wrong bread and bought the wrong ham.
I get so mad when things don't go right,
'Cause Mythical Frederick's nowhere in sight.

Frederick locked my keys in my car,
Got me in fights with toughs at the bar,
You've no idea what trouble I'm in,
From my imaginary evil twin.

Mythical Frederick skimps when he tips,
He kissed the vicar full on the lips,
I can't explain 'cause no one can see
Mythical Frederick did it, not me.

People believe in Santa, it's true,
The Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy too
Kids make up friends, so why can't you see
I've got a made-up arch-enemy?

Frederick got me fired from my job,
Brainwashed my girl to think I'm a slob,
I'll go insane 'cause Frederick, the louse,
Canceled the payments on my phone and house.

Out in the street, half-froze in the snow,
One act of vengeance before I go
I'll do him in, but he won't be missed,
Mythical Frederick doesn't exist.

credits

from iTom 1​.​0: And So It Begins, released October 26, 2006

license

tags

about

Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

contact / help

Contact Tom Smith

Streaming and
Download help

Shipping and returns

Redeem code

Report this track or account

If you like Tom Smith, you may also like: