We’ve updated our Terms of Use to reflect our new entity name and address. You can review the changes here.
We’ve updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.

My Unicorn Song

from Who Let Him In Here? by Tom Smith

supported by
celticoracle
celticoracle thumbnail
gpherder
gpherder thumbnail
/

about

Given that I'm billed as The World's Fastest Filker, it's amazing how much I dislike a lot of filk. Pern songs, Spoo songs, off-key Doctor Who songs, Enterprise and crew songs, it's quite enough for me. This early effort at making fun of the lame dirges some people feel compelled to drag out at 1:30 a.m. is a lot of fun to sing, and the tune is so useful I swiped it for "Filk In The Blanks" on Debasement Tapes.

lyrics

This Unicorn Song is like many you've heard,
Except that I wrote it myself.
It has magical forests and sweet-singing birds,
And maybe a virginal elf.
Now, the fifth and sixth lines never sound very good,
For the forest is threatened by men,
But the E.P.A. looks out for Unicorn woods,
So it all ends up happy again.

The Unicorn Song is a folklore tradition
That goes back for many a year,
With a syrupy style that I wouldn't wish on
The makers of Three-Two Lite beer.
There's quaint reminiscence of childhood days,
And the magic that dwells in the heart,
And a truckload of similar hoary clichés
That aren't worth a Unicorn's fart.

On a Midsummer night, when the moon shines above,
He'll appear with such beauty and grace
That a maiden will sigh, and forsake human love
For a horse with a horn on his face.
He'll lie down and settle his head in her lap,
With his hard gleaming horn on her thigh --
If I were to try that, I'd prob'ly get slapped,
And the chance of arrest would be high.

Now, would any of you women give up your fellas
For an equine with burrs, ticks, and fleas?
And the horn's healing properties seem suited well as
A treatment for social disease.
If she's not a virgin, then she is ignored,
From experienced girls they abstain.
The Unicorn uses her once, then gets bored,
Casanova with hooves and a mane.

So listen, young women -- your virtue is pure
If you love by your own heart's advice,
If a Unicorn shows up at your door, be sure
That you're willing to tender the price.
And perhaps the mass media soon will make clear
That the Unicorn's days are now rare,
So, who knows? The next Unicorn Song that you hear
May be sung by Bette Midler and Cher.

credits

from Who Let Him In Here?, released January 20, 1991

license

tags

about

Tom Smith image

Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

contact / help

Contact Tom Smith

Streaming and
Download help

Shipping and returns

Redeem code

Report this track or account

If you like Tom Smith, you may also like:

Bandcamp Daily  your guide to the world of Bandcamp

On Bandcamp Radio

Saxophonist Isaiah Collier chats about his new LP and the influence of Pharoah Sanders.
listen now