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Mordor Bed and Breakfast

from Holy Crap, A New Album by Tom Smith

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about

I wrote this a couple of years ago, and have been having way too much trouble tweaking a MIDI of "Hotel California" to get it out the door. I finally decided to just create my own track in Band In A Box. Took an hour.

An HOUR.

Which is why I use Band In A Box.

lyrics

On a dark desert highway
Hot ash in my hair
Warm smell of volcanoes,
We could chew on the air.
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a shimmer of heat
My head grew heavy and the sights were grim,
Burned the hair off my feet

There’s She-Lob in the doorway,
Webs and chittering fangs,
And I was thinking to myself
That I’d actually prefer orc gangs
Then she bit mister Frodo,
And she dragged him away
There were goblins out of Barar Dur,
I thought I heard them say:

Welcome to the Mordor Bed and Breakfast
Such a lovely place, drop him on his face
Plenty of room at the Mordor Bed and Breakfast,
Any time of year, they’ve prepared a bier.

Their menu’s nifty and twisted,
They’ve got the best hobbit hash
And their bangers-and-mash plate
Is really banged up and mashed
Held a rave in the courtyard,
Foul orcish air
Some drink for a reason
Most drink ‘cause it’s there

So I snuck past the watchmen,
All passed out from wine,
They won’t have a proper 1420 till
1969.
And Smeagol’s voice is callin’ from
Far away
Piece of crap led us right into a trap,
I thought I heard him say

Welcome to the Mordor Bed and Breakfast,
Such a lovely place, such a blasted waste
Dyin’ alone at the Mordor Bed and Breakfast,
From the Uruk-hai, under Sauron’s eye

Mirror of Galadriel
Coulda warned of this jail,
We were both just prisoners there,
It was time to bail,
We got inside Orodruin,
Frodo put on the ring,
But then Gollum bit his finger off
And brought down the whole damn thing.

Last thing I remember,
I was floating on a rock
Thinking ‘bout the girl back home
As me and Frodo ran out the clock.
“Just relax,” said a nice man,
It was Gandalf on giant birds.
And now I’d sing to you the final chorus --
But I don’t know the words.

credits

from Holy Crap, A New Album, released March 20, 2020
Music: "Hotel California" by Don Felder, Don Henley, & Glenn Frey
Image by Chris J. Mitchell

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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