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(Min​)​Barrette

from Debasement Tapes by Tom Smith

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The Babylon 5 episode "Soul Mates", written by Peter David, featured a magnificent subplot: Ambassador Delenn, having recently transformed herself into a half-human, half-Minbari, had not yet learned many aspects of human physiology that we take for granted. The look on the face of Lennier (Bill Mumy) alone is worth it.

lyrics

We thought we owned whatever space we flew through,
We sought our missing souls and lived with pride;
Then humans came along and killed our leader,
And I've aided and abetted genocide.

And so I metamorphosized half-human,
To fulfill a prophecy and make amends,
And try to bridge the gap between our peoples --
But no one ever warned me of split ends.

Please, Ivanova, help me regain my dignity,
For this stuff is matted, brittle, dry and thin,
Can you recommend a shampoo and conditioner?
Can you help me with the curlers of Delenn?
Can you help me with the curlers of Delenn?

If... hair... to Minbari is weird,
Someone tell my why half the guys have a beard.

And Lennier thinks it must hurt me, but it's... oddly nice
To have follicles wrapped up in strips of tin,
But I draw the line at wearing a babushka,
Just to cover up the curlers of Delenn.

Thank you, Susan, you're a champ --
ooh! That's odd, what was that cramp...?
Much more painful than the curlers of Delenn.

credits

from Debasement Tapes, released May 25, 1999
Words: Tom Smith, after Stephen Schwartz, from an idea by Leslie Larkins
Music: "Colors of the Wind" by Alan Menken

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Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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