Love Thy Neighbor

from by Tom Smith



This has nothing to do with my housing situation, past or present. Nope nope nope nope nope. But I do wish there were more juggling instructors out there.


God says "Love thy neighbor",
But he didn't live next to mine,
The rotten jerks upstairs could tax
The patience of the divine.

At three a.m. they vacuum,
At dawn they hammer the walls,
At precisely eleven every night,
They juggle bowling balls.

They've run a bath and gone outside
And then locked themselves out,
The flooding that resulted cost me
Fifty bucks in grout.

She babysits six times a week, some
Spoiled noisy brats,
She feeds her yap dog broccoli,
And cheese to both her cats,

They blast the stereo, bang the doors,
He coughs, she wheezes, he smokes, she snores,
And what they do behind closed doors
You can buy on CD in Halloween stores.

Then one night they have a fight,
A lot of stuff gets thrown,
The front door slams and he drives off,
And now she's all alone

I try to just roll over,
And finally get some sleep,
But then I hear her sobbing
And I feel like just a creep.

I go upstairs and hesitate
Before I finally knock
After a minute the door is opened,
I stand there in shock

'Cause she's so hot I pinch myself
To see if I'm awake,
With eyes like a kicked puppy
Ohhh, man, this was a mistake.

I ask if anything is wrong,
She starts crying loud and long,
He lied, he cheated, same old song,
I wish she weren't wearing a silk sarong....

Well, you can guess what happened next,
We started goin' out,
God said "Love thy neighbor", well,
I'm feeling more devout.

Of course we've had to compromise,
'Cause that's what couples do,
I've told her that she has to finish
Vacuuming by two.

She still can juggle bowling balls,
But just four at a time.
The pets' exhaust is sweeter now, I
Feed 'em lemon-lime.

The kids are calm since I wired "Boohbah"
Straight into their heads,
And the toolbox has brand new locks and it's
underneath my bed

When she takes a bath, she takes good care
But just in case, we always share,
When the new guy downstairs starts to swear,
I yell, "Why d'you think I moved out of there?"


from iTom 3​.​0: True Love Waits, released May 11, 2007




Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

contact / help

Contact Tom Smith

Streaming and
Download help

Shipping and returns

Redeem code