"Kidnapped By Pirates" Is Good

from by Tom Smith



In my opinion, romantic role-play is the absolute best -- and least expensive! -- way to spice up your love life One standard variation on a theme got its start -- with me, at least -- exactly as portrayed in the song. The only problem I have with this song is something I'm really not sure what to do about: After awhile, all pirate songs start to sound the same. Not that there's anything wrong with that....


Sometimes romance isn't all it might be,
Sometimes it's boring and pale,
The same old routine, played out nightly,
And you wonder if love has gone stale.

Well, I'm here to offer solutions
When passion ain't quite up to par
A cute little sash, a cunning eye patch,
And a scoundrel who likes to say ARRR!

And it's Yo Ho, off we go
Across the deep blue sea
Way hay, far away
Where it's just you and me
I'm feeling so much bolder than
I ever thought I would,
So I'm slingin' you over me shoulder, love...
"Kidnapped by pirates" is good!

A pirate is lookin' fer treasure, my dear,
A trinket that's pretty and sweet
He certainly does it for pleasure, my dear,
Let's go look under the sheet

We don't need no fancy costumes,
That's why we've both got a brain
A slightly worn shirt, an accessible skirt,
And we're sailin' the Spanish Main!

And it's Yo Ho, off we go
To the Islands of the Spice
Way hay, far away
Where Cutthroats are kinda nice
We'll have such delight, more than even
Dan Savage says we should,
Ah, wench, that's right, you're not leavin' --
"Kidnapped by pirates" is good!

Now, "Murdered by pirates is good", they said,
In the film The Princess Bride
But we find it more romantic
If nobody's actually died.

There ain't no reason why our love life
Has to fade to black
So let's turn off the TV
And turn on Cap'n Jack

So let me put your blindfold on,
I'll make ye walk some planks,
And then I'll have a change o' heart,
And accept yer grateful thanks.

I'll carry you off ta me cabin,
Where we'll do things obscene,
And tomorrow YOU do the kidnappin',
My lovely pirate queen!

And it's Yo Ho, off we go,
To realms of fantasy,
Way hay, far away,
Where it's just you and me,
And every night I love ya more than
I ever thought I could
From the deck of a Portuguese Man O' War,
"Kidnapped by pirates" is good.
And I left our cell phones back on shore....
"Kidnapped by pirates" is good!


from iTom 3​.​0: True Love Waits, released May 11, 2007




Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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