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Kate and Jaana

from Sins of Commission 2 by Tom Smith

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A song commissioned as a birthday gift, based on the recipient's favorite role-playing campaign.

lyrics

Now harken to my story, of ancient days of yore,
Of Dawntreader and Stormwind, both heroes to the core,
They battled every evil, and often saved the world...
But when they let their hair down, they were just two of the girls.

Kate and Jaana, adventurers sublime,
Kate and Jaana, kinda hard to rhyme,
Wait, we're gonna sing it one more time,
Kate and Jaana, kickin' ass and takin' names.

Jaana was a ranger, to the forest like a daughter
She looked like Lily Potter, 'cept the leather made her hotter,
For loyalty to all her friends she always had a knack,
That's why the seven times she died they kept on bringin' her back.

Now, Kate, she was a lovely rogue, thief/acrobat by trades,
Her wardrobe was the finest, and so were both her blades,
Her heart was always happy, her smile was always bright,
She always had a good time, especially in a fight.

Kate and Jaana, and Kate's virgin alarm,
Half-Ork Grmshk, who kept 'em safe from harm,
If you tried to hit on Kate, he'd feed you your own arm,
Kate and Jaana, kinda glad he wasn't tame.

Their party was a large one, a strong and motley troop,
Peregrin and Erac's Cousin, mages of the group,
Arioch and Harald, the clerics most devout,
and Collagin the elfin mage, who had a lovely pout.

There also was Virginia, a lovely fairy dragon,
And one guy whom we can't recall, but still we raise a flagon,
'Cause they were bold adventurers together, what a party!
Like The Fellowship! The Goonies! Bill and Ted! Laurel and Hardy.

No, Kate and Jaana, close as you could get,
Kate and Jaana, think I'll have a cigarette --
Wait, there, bwana, they're just friends! They both were HET!
Not to say we didn't dream it all the same.
Sigh.

One day Kate went to scout out an old forgotten cave,
Came back and said, "The occupant is halfway in his grave!
We can handle one ogre!" Too bad that there were five,
Plus four assassins, twenty orcs -- how'd they get out alive?

Kate and Jaana, the ranger took the fall,
Fate had done a bad turn to them all,
Kate got on her hands and knees to crawl,
Got 'em out before the corpses all were maimed.

Some slavers caught and stripped 'em and said, "We'll leave 'em here",
They managed to escape their cell but didn't have their gear,
They couldn't find a scrap of clothes, not even gloves or boots,
And so they had to fight their way out in their birthday suits.

They came up with a clever plan, and quickly they rehearsed
They'd take each room real quiet, Kate and Jaana went in first,
The occupants were sitting ducks, those bug-eyed staring lugs,
Until our girls ran out of luck -- one room had actual bugs.

Kate and Jaana, bustin' through the door,
White hot mamas settling the score
Till they found insectoid carnivores
After that, the last thing on their minds was shame.
(Oho, coverin' their aspis?)

Then came their greatest battle, against a wizard sleazy,
They thought they had him dead to rights, but nothing is that easy,
He had a lot of fireballs, he had assassins too,
And when the smoke cleared they were helpless, nothin' they could do

Except the fairy dragon, who'd managed to keep clear
She said, "Well, what would Kate and Jaana do if they were here?"
She waited till the wizard got too close and then, ya know,
She stung him in the gizzard and he failed his saving throw.

So everyone has tales and legends of their fighting days,
Of grabbing loot and busting heads in some forgotten maze,
But every time we reminisce about those days long gone...
We think of Kate and Jaana...
... and wish they'd got it on.

Kate and Jaana, partners in crime,
Kate and Jaana, we'll somehow make 'em rhyme,
Wait, we're gonna sing it one more time,
Kate and Jaana, kickin' ass and takin' names.
They kept us well abreast, and don't forget the rest,
With Kate and Jaana, the best of our games!

credits

from Sins of Commission 2, released March 15, 2009

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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