I Had a Shoggoth

from In Concert: Sasquan 2015 by Tom Smith

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about

Another children's song, of the repeating-and-building-chorus variety. To be specific, a pastiche of the traditional song "I Had A Cat/I Bought Me A Cat". Just... the songs you usually have, with kitties and duckies and puppies, simply aren't up to the task of raising our kids. Don't read the lyrics before listening to it, mmkay? Spoilery and all that. A couple of the jokes have evolved, most notably Vader's line in the next-to-last verse. Originally, I had "I have you now", a quote from Star Wars Episode 4. Later it became, "Luke -- you kissed your sister", which is what's on the original recording. Nowadays, the line is, "Black goes with everything."

Oh, and -- for kids, I never say "... If only."

lyrics

I had a shoggoth, he pleased me,
But drove me to insanity.
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a minion, he pleased me,
Got victims for my laboratory.
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a zombie, he pleased me,
With his decaying anatomy.
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a werewolf, he pleased me,
Devoured every cat he'd see.
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a mummy, he pleased me,
And taught me Egyptology.
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went ABBY SOMEBODY
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a hunchback, he pleased me,
Got Esmerelda sanctuary.
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a vampire, he pleased me,
But at my parties he wouldn't drink... tea.
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMM... DONUTS
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went IT'S STILL WARM
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had an Old One, he pleased me,
In R'lyeh sunk beneath the sea.
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went RRUFF RRUFF
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a cylon, he pleased me,
But then he turned into a she.
Cylon went BY YOUR COMMAND
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went CHEETOS
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a Dalek, he pleased me,
But stairs would make him really cranky.
Dalek went EXTERMINATE
Cylon went BY YOUR COMMAND
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT, SHUT UP!
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HERE KITTY KITTY
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went NOT THE RED ONE!
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a Sith Lord, he pleased me,
But I hated his prequel trilogy.
Vader went KHSHHHHH-HHHOSHHHHH KHSHHHHH-HHHOSHHHHH KHSHHHHH-HHHOSHHHHH YES, I HAVE SLEEP APNEA, WHAT?
Dalek went EXTERMINATE
Cylon went DOES THIS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went BA BA BAA, BA BANANA -- that's the wrong minion, isn't it?
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a Dark Lord, he pleased me,
But he couldn't beat Harry and Hermione.
Riddle went ... HERMIONE AND RON...?
Vader went BLACK GOES WITH EVERYTHING
Dalek went IT IS NOT A TOILET PLUNGER
Cylon went I FEEL PRETTY
Cthulhu went PFAGH! Calimari....
Vampire went TWELVE BEAUTIFUL VERSES
Hunchback went CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
Mummy went I AM STUCK ON BAND-AIDS, 'CAUSE BAND-AIDS STUCK ON ME
Werewolf went OW-WHOOOOOO ME OF LONDON
Zombie went NOT EAT EYES
Minion went WHAT HUMP?
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had Galactus, he pleased me,
But he ate my planet casually.
Galactus went CHOMP.

credits

from In Concert: Sasquan 2015, released August 9, 2016
Music (more or less): "I Had A Cat" [trad.]

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about

Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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