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Hogwarts Holodeck

from Holy Crap, A New Album by Tom Smith

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I wrote this at DragonCon 2018, during the Harry Potter themed sing on Saturday night. See, the fans had the chance to vote on the topic before the convention, and HP beat Star Trek by one vote. So I promised to write an HP/ST crossover song. I didn't have any ideas by the con, though, so it seemed easiest to get suggestions from the audience. They gave me:

Hermione Granger
Redshirt crewman
Lost in Forbidden Forest (holodeck)
Trying to find ford Anglia
Chamber of Secrets involved?

lyrics

It was a typical holodeck fantasy,
A lonely red shirt looking for heaven.
Alone with Hermione Granger,
The hot grown up one from book seven.
They were in the forbidden forest,
Looking for the Weasley’s car that could fly.
It was the only back seat to make out in
Between Hogwarts and Privet Drive.

Then along came several centaurs,
And they shot him through the heart,
So the holodeck, it shut right down,
And the red shirt hit restart.

They thought they heard the rumbling
Of an engine through the trees,
But it was only Fluffy, the dog
Whose bad breath came in threes

And he grabbed the red shirt in his jaws
And ripped his flesh apart,
And the holodeck, it shut right down,
And the red shirt hit restart.

They heard a bunch of clicking
That could have been some gears,
Until they saw the spider webs
And knew it’d end in tears

And the nest of acromantulas,
Devoured him with a tart,
And the holodeck, it shut right down,
And the red shirt hit restart.

They heard a big loud crunching
Like something breaking wood,
But it was just a giant
Who couldn’t talk so good.

And Grawp, Hagrid’s half-brother,
He threw him like a dart,
And the holodeck, it shut right down,
And the red shirt hit restart.

They heard a crazy hissing,
Like a too-hot engine gets,
But then they found the back door to
The Chamber of Secrets.

And he met the gaze of the basilisk
And had to go on the cart,
And the holodeck, it shut right down,
And the red shirt hit restart.

At last they found that flying car
And the red shirt said “Let’s do it”
But Hermione said “You must be mad,
Do I look like Molly Prewitt?”

And Hermione got out of there,
For him, she was too smart
And the holodeck, it shut right down,
And the red shirt got some Kleenex
And went to his bunk to... restart.

credits

from Holy Crap, A New Album, released March 20, 2020
Image by gamozg @ Deviant Art -- used without permission

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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