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Everything Is Dangerous

from iTom 4​.​0: Smith and Legend by Tom Smith

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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And all the other stuff.

I actually had a song, "Be Afraid", all ready to go. But it was... preachy. Too preachy. If-you-want-to-send-a-message-use-Western-Union preachy. Wasn't what I wanted.

And then I saw this news story, and I knew I'd found my hook. I mean, apparently I must've been vacationing in the Alps when pet turtles were outlawed back in 1975, but I surely remember all of the kids who got salmonella playing with our adorable little buddies. Oh, wait, I don't remember a single one because I never knew a kid who got sick playing with a turtle. Neither did I know a kid who was made prone to violence from watching Road Runner cartoons, but that's neither here nor there.

As Lois McMaster Bujold says, you can't make your kids safe -- you can only teach them how to be safe, and hope for the best. Or, as Leslie puts it, you can't bubble-wrap the world.

lyrics

Your kid can get salmonella from his new pet turtle,
Buckle your seat belt or through the windshield you will hurtle,
You can choke on anything not bigger than your head,
Everything is dangerous, so how come you're not dead?

You might poke your eye out with any given toy,
You might die from allergies to peanuts, wheat, or soy,
All these deadly circumstances we cannot improve,
Everything is dangerous, so please try not to move.

Terrorists are everywhere, in every school and mall,
And it might be better if you don't touch cheese at all.

All the other drivers are insane and they've got guns,
Don't pick up hitchhikers, even if they're dressed as nuns,
Your date has GHB, he hopes tomorrow you'll forget him,
Everything is dangerous, so go ahead and wet 'em.

Dihydrogen monoxide will surely spell your doom,
It might just be easier if you don't leave the room.

Make sure that your sunscreen is at least SPF 30,
Don't eat food in restaurants, the chef's hands might be dirty,
Gay men want your body and they can't control their urges,
Monks have secret messages they're chanting in their dirges.

Magnetic waves from in your cell phone just might fry your brain,
There's a flying spaghetti monster in your beef chow mein,
Paris Hilton might explode, I saw it on Fox News,
Everything is dangerous, including Starburst chews.

Keep yourself hydrated or you'll pass out from the heat,
Watch out for a wormhole openin' up beneath your feet,
Motorcyclists with tattoos just got out of the joint,
Homeless people have diseases, so don't stare and point.

From the moment that you're born until the day you die,
Everything might kill you, and a lot of things will try,
So you've got two choices, and they're easy to compare,
Everything is dangerous, or everything's just there.
Everything is dangerous, so suck it up, mon frere.

credits

from iTom 4​.​0: Smith and Legend, released October 26, 2007

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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