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Duct Tape Diva

from For Your Confustication by Tom Smith

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about

This one was written specifically for Kit Matulich ( ducttapediva.deviantart.com ), a wonderful lady who's been costuming for longer than anybody cares to say out loud. She and her husband Josef do marvelous, elaborate work, especially with period pieces such a Medieval, Renaissance, Elizabethan, and Victorian. But they also do reeeal quickies when necessary, and in fact Kit has become quite expert with that universal problem solver, duct tape.

lyrics

You know I love those ornate costumes, I always add on more,
And they call me Elaborata on down at the fabric store.
I only use handmade needles to create authentic garb,
And my friends is always begging me to sew 'em a classic Medieval barb.
Yes, they are.

Oh, but at night I take out my strongbox, that I keep under lock and key,
And I shlep it off to my workroom, where nobody else can see.
I lift that lid so slowly, take a peek both up and down,
Then I pull out a big fat roll of tape, in ten minutes I've got a gown!

In the daytime I'm Ms. Historical,
As authentic as I can be,
But at night I'm a Duct Tape Diva,
And no one's faster than me.

Well, at the Ren Fair you can always find me at Ye Olde Bodice Shoppe,
Just pinching in a waist with perfect taste, and pushing up someone's top.
I use rich Corinthian leather, all my boning has real bones,
My genetically altered silkworms produce silk in waterproof tones,
Yes, they do.

Ah, but when I hit a deadline, and I need a cape or cravat,
A shirt or a shawl, I can fake 'em all in thirteen seconds flat,
I can make for them the perfect hem, camouflaged with silver studs,
Then I take my payment for instant raiment they think are medieval duds.

In the daytime I'm Ms. Historical,
As authentic as I can be
But at night I'm a Duct Tape Diva,
Good Lord, how cheap can I be?

My friends down at the Costume Shop, they think that I'm first-rate,
I know everything about arts and crafts, and my workshop rates are great.
I can put in a call to Carol Duvall, Tom Savini holds for me,
And I'm working on wearable liquid metal for Terminator 3.
Yes, I am.

Oh, but, folks, lately I have been thinking maybe I should change my ways...
Nah! I got the best of both worlds, and, I gotta say, it pays.
I'm a friend to Trisha Biggar, James Acheson and Animal X,
I'm the anti-Martha Stewart, and I bet I get more sex.

In the daytime I'm Ms. Historical,
As authentic as I can be,
And at night I'm a Duct Tape Diva,
Oh, Lord, it's all sticking to me.

credits

from For Your Confustication, released September 19, 2017
Music: "Junk Food Junkie" by Larry Groce

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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