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Domino Death

from Domino Death by Tom Smith

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A song of (funny) vengeance and bloodletting, inspired by Steve Jackson Games' brilliant Car Wars and Harlan Ellison's equally brilliant story "Along the Scenic Route". Not only is the song not a vilification of pizza drivers nor of a certain pizza company, but I get their pizza a whole lot, which explains why I now have an equator instead of a waistline. Yes, the new recipe is better.

Two lyric notes: Yes, the "No Anchovies, Please" is of course a swipe from the recording of the same name by The J. Giels Band. And, the line "... just pick up the phone, we're courteous and friendly like Sylvester Stallone" has changed a few times. For awhile it was "... just give us a call, we're courteous and friendly like Steven Seagal". Currently it's "... we don't miss a trick, we're courteous and friendly, like Vice President Dick [Cheney]."

lyrics

Well, the pizza biz ain't what it used to be,
It's a dangerous job for a boy like me.
Jay-walkers stare like you lost your mind,
Speed-traps ahead of you, muggers behind.

I've been robbed eight times at somebody's door,
I'm mad and I ain't gonna take no more,
So the next time somebody goes for the cash,
I've got a turret-mounted laser wired up to the dash.

Domino Death, we're gonna have some fun,
Domino Death, you better duck and run,
Domino Death, you better do your best,
Or I'll deliver you to Hell in thirty minutes or less.

I've got an armor-plated van with a Teflon sheen,
A Plexiglas windshield, Polaroid green,
Bullet-proof tires with a Kevlar mesh,
And a hotbox to keep your pepperonis fresh.

I've got an on-board computer to do my math,
A big cow-catcher to clear my path,
And I'll fry the brains of anyone I miss --
I've got a tape of Frank Sinatra singing Grace Jones and KISS.

Domino Death, I'm crazy as Hell,
Domino Death, I hope you tip real well,
Domino Death, you better watch for me,
And if you manage to survive, you get the pizza for free.

Well, you can beg and plead, but it's just no use,
I'm over the edge, I don't need an excuse,
I'll blow off your head for getting double cheese,
And I wouldn't say, "NO ANCHOVIES, PLEASE."

I keep the streets empty night and day,
Fire trucks and funerals get out of my way.
Now I'm looking around to see who I've missed,
And I guess Little Caesar's is next on the list.

Domino Death, it's no big loss,
Domino Death, you'd better love the sauce,
Domino Death, just pick up the phone,
We're courteous and friendly, like Sylvester Stallone.

Domino Death, I've got a double for you,
Domino Death, I'll get your roommate ('family', 'neighbors', pick one), too,
Domino Death, you'll go like the rest,
I'll deliver you to Hell in thirty minutes or less...
Or... else... it's... free!

credits

from Domino Death, released May 20, 1994

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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