Immediate download of Dammit, They're Felt and Legumes in your choice of 320k mp3, FLAC, or just about any other format you could possibly desire. Also, if you buy it here, the money actually goes to Tom. :)
Another introduction way longer than the song. Sigh.
Stamps. Baseball cards. Commemorative plates. I used to work in a comic book store, so I know exactly how collectible most things aren't. But damn if the "lucrative collector's market" doesn't have a stranglehold and the hearts, minds, and pocketbooks of America. We've been conditioned to Need The Entire Set, and unscrupulous manufacturers of pre-fab shit take full advantage of it.
To my mind, one of the biggest offenders has been Ty, Inc., and their stupid, blank-eyed, useless stuffed toys. Children starve, old people freeze, Jerry Lewis grovels every Labor Day, while morons who have nothing better to do with THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS buy grotesque and disquieting little dolls, for no apparent purposes other than having them or selling them. And Ty really perfected the marketing of the limited edition. "Hey! You don't need this, but we're only making a few". "Only a FEW!? GIMME!!"
Some years back, McDonald's cleaned up in a cross-promotion with the damn things. I wrote this song for the moment, expecting it never to be heard again. But every year since, Mickey D's has had a new promotion with Ty, including the One Day Only Liberty Bear, where they told America it was patriotic to buy some Arterial Spackle with Cheese and an ugly freakin' stuffed bear, but they can only do it for one day! Damn, I'm sure I was out of town that day. Ah well. If they keep this up, this song might actually become a Summer Tradition, like, oh, the release of new baseball cards.
lyrics
(... Two, three, four, get 'em at your local store!)
Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp, ba-domp-pom-pom-pom-pomp.
She was at lunch, and she went to McDonald's,
To get a nice Quarter Pounder with Cheese,
But as she stood in the line at McDonald's,
A mob of moms chopped her off at the knees.
(Two, three, four, feel the rumble, hear the roar!)
They... were... all...
Frothing at the mouth with rabies, wanting teeny Beanie Babies,
That were sold with each kid's Happy Meal,
So many colors, lotsa shape-ies, eeny meeny Beanie Babies,
And soon her toes she once more could feel.
(Two, three, four, help the woman off the floor!)
Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp, ba-domp-pom-pom-pom-pomp.
So, if you like to have lunch at McDonald's,
Order early, by phone or by fax,
Or else the army of cute toy collectors
Will stomp a path over your broken backs.
(Two, three, four, of course you know that this means war!)
Your... jaw... will...
Drop in disbelief the way these people hunt down Beanie Babies,
Going postal for things with no use.
I guess we should be glad, 'cause maybe next time they'll be BARNEY Babies,
Or maybe Cabbage Patch Couscous!
credits
from Debasement Tapes,
released May 25, 1999
Music: "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini" by Vance and Pockriss
Additional Vocals: Karen Foran Underwood
Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts,
minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come....more
supported by 6 fans who also own “Dammit, They're Felt and Legumes”
Alexander James Adams "The Blue Rose Rare and Other Faerie Tales" is an excellent album. With songs retelling a variety of myths and faerie tales, each song is both very fun to listen to, fits well together as an album, and is distinct from the rest of the album. Brownie Dan especially stuck out to me, both in terms of just being a really fun song musically and in terms of the lyrics being delightful.
Definitely worth a listen, and thank you for a wonderful album. Kamani
supported by 5 fans who also own “Dammit, They're Felt and Legumes”
This is just HILARIOUS
Everyone on it gave such an AMAZING performance
and Kevin's final appearance? Took me completly by surprise *cheff kiss* MarlaHectic
Robins decided to release the recording of his 2016 comedy tour during the Covid-19 shutdown at the behest of fans. Bandcamp New & Notable May 29, 2020
Comedian Chris Gethard’s hilarious new surprise album is devoted to the great state of New Jersey, and the great state of New Jersey alone. Bandcamp New & Notable Dec 18, 2019
supported by 5 fans who also own “Dammit, They're Felt and Legumes”
Spooky as HELL AND LOVING IT
And I love that they included different actors playing the poor doomed intern...It just comes to show how the very same script is unique in every performance and every single person on the role MarlaHectic