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Can't Lift This

from We Don't Talk About Torgo by Tom Smith

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A suggestion from the 2018 list for a prospective 24 Hour Comic Book Day album. Lizzie Crowe wanted Thor, Hammertime... and polka. I love her so much.

lyrics

Can’t lift this
Can’t lift this
Can’t lift this
Can’t lift this

My my my my
Hammer hits things so hard,
Makes me say Odin, my lord,
Thank you for blessing me
With a mystic uru hammer called Mee-
Olnir, it shows I’m good,
A super dope homey from the Asgard hood,
And I wield... my father’s gift,
‘Cause if you’re not worthy it’s one you can’t lift.

I toldja, Hawkeye --
Can’t lift this
Go on, Tony, try your armor --
Can’t lift this
Look in my eye, man --
Can’t lift this
Now let me bust the Elder Edda --
Can’t lift this

Fresh new haircut, and armor,
I love Jane Foster, don’t try to harm her,
Oh, wait now -- that girl did fly,
I guess I’m gonna hit on Valkyrie
Captured... no time to sulk,
I’m in an arena fightin’ with the Hulk,
Like that, knocked flat,
But I showed Banner where it’s at,
He gave it a shot but he only whiffed,
My lightning was something he couldn’t lift

I told you, Loki --
Can’t lift this
But I like “Get Help!”
Can’t lift this
Yo, assemble, Avengers --
Can’t lift this

Give me a troll or giant
With one good swing they’ll be compliant,
Now, they know,
Me and Mjolnir puttin on a show
That’s thunder, and lightning,
Villains are threat’nin’ so I’ll keep fighting,
Their rage, their greed,
I’ll lock ‘em in a cage then have a mug o’ mead
I like this! Another!
Oh hell, I gotta stop my crazy brother.

Loki, how many times must I tell you?
Can’t lift this
Excelsior, True Believers!
Can’t lift this
I can’t remember -- are we Norwegian or Germanic?
Break it down

Stop! Hammer time.
Everything was great
Till my hammer was destroyed.
But then my lightning blasted
Hela into the void.
And now in the Infinity war
It’s Thanos wants to play
Groot helped me make Stormbreaker,
Come to save the day.
And now my only question is
Where is Lady Sif?
Heck with this hurtin’, I’d rather be flirtin’,
This is a burden only she can lift.

The hammer is my punchline
Can’t lift this
I told ya, homeboy
Can’t lift this
Sure, Steve, go for it. Heh heh... uhhh...
N- noble effort!
Duuuuude.
Fine, you take the little one.

credits

from We Don't Talk About Torgo, track released March 5, 2021
Music: "Can't Touch This" by Stanley Burrell, Rick James, and Alonzo Miller

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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