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Boyfriend Points

from Songs of The FuMP, Vol. 1 by Tom Smith

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The tragic tale of a young man who really, really thought he could game the system.

lyrics

The young man climbed the mountain
Where the old man waited for him.
The young man's face was hopeful,
The old man's face was grim.
The young man said, "I've come here
To learn the secrets of life,
Can you help me find destiny,
Can you help me get a wife?"

The old man looked at him closely,
Didn't make a move or a sound,
He was certain he could take the kid
And the body would never be found.
But, no, he was a guru,
Of wisdom, he was a font,
And he said, "It's just what you deserve,
I'll tell you what you want.

Everything you've ever feared of women is true
Everything you ever think or say or do
Is memorized and analyzed and scrutinized so it's unwise
To give them ammunition to use on you.

Go for boyfriend points, that's the key
Boyfriend points, that's what she'll see
Boyfriend points, with every action
Boyfriend points, a big distraction
Offer your umbrella, pull her chair out, hold the door,
You need boyfriend points, if you want to score.

Flowers get you fifteen, candy gets you ten,
An upright vacuum, meet a new girl, start again.
Don't forget her birthday, or even worse, don't ever look inside her purse
What's in there is not for the eyes of men.

Go for boyfriend points, don't kill those squirrels,
Boyfriend points, quote Gilmore Girls,
Boyfriend points, emote and feel,
Boyfriend points, COOK A MEAL!?
Romance is a contest, and romance is the prize,
You need boyfriend points to beat the other guys.

Don't leave her Shakespeare in the rain or use her ferret to clean the drain,
Don't say that you're a Browncoat when you're not.
Agree that Oprah Winfrey's nice, watch Brokeback Mountain with her twice,
And nod when she says Daniel Radcliffe's hot
Don't put Lunchables in her CD-ROM or list her mom on MILF dot com,
Don't make fun of her Hello Kitty stuff,
And there's one sure way to murder Cupid, tell her, 'Honey, That's So Stupid' --
If you do that, you can't run fast enough."

The young man thanked the old man and went back to town,
Followed his advice and learned something more profound:
Treating women like they are a prize with lame-ass lines and dumb-ass lies
Means someone DIES, and his body was never found.

Go for boyfriend points if you got no clue,
Boyfriend points will come back at you,
boyfriend points, tryin' to be so cool,
Boyfriend points, when you kiss you drool,
If the battle of the sexes has become an all-out war,
Boyfriend points ain't gonna help you score.

credits

from Songs of The FuMP, Vol. 1, released January 9, 2008

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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