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And They Say I've Got Talent

from And They Say I've Got Talent by Tom Smith

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Dedicated to the utter lack of musical talent, charisma, or originality exhibited by contemporary music "divas", in particular the one whose name rhymes with Canessa Varlton

lyrics

Sand sifting down through a
Sieve in the morning light
Gets in my eyes, where's my
Visine, my contacts feel too tight.

There is a hole, big as
Me, where I used to be,
And in its place, there is
Nothing, because it is a hole.

Guess I should mention it's
All 'cause my boyfriend left,
Had his intentions ful-
Filled, left me naked and bereft.

And so I'll wander a-
Round, in a party dress,
Unleash my angst, vent my
Spleen, play piano, thrust my breasts

I've got a whole bag of
Metaphors and similes and licks,
And if it still seems too
Shallow, well, I've got a few more tricks

To make me seem as if I
Understand the essence of your hurt,
To make me feel as if I'm
Innocent yet still might shed my shirt

And they say I've got talent,
Maybe it'll show someday,
I've got a big-ass contract,
Songs the radio will play
And play and play and play and
Play


My heart is aching, it's
Breaking, it's quaking, what else rhymes?
Oh, yes, I'm shaking, this faking is
Taking too much time

And all I've got is four
Minutes for the radio single track,
You don't defy B.M.I. or you're
In the cut-out rack

I've got a whole bunch of
Press releases, smiles, and evening gowns
To hide the fact that my
Songs are Tori Amos hand-me-downs.

To make me seem as if I
Understand that music's from the soul,
To make me feel as if I'm
Not a product, carefully controlled.

And they say I've got talent
In that pure-yet-edgy way
I've gotta sell some more merchandise
If I don't meet my bottom line, I'm gonna vanish right

Away in the hills of my childhood,
There, that'll make 'em think I'm deep.
I've trained for years to look this natural,
... So how come all my videos
Look like a sullen seizure while half-asleep?


Guess I'll keep selling you
Sheep my albums, cheap at twice the price
No great leap from the dust-
Heap... to a sweep on Grammy Night

Look in my soul, there's that
Hole... where I still am used to be
I must be around, if I'm
Found, call this number, ask for me

I got a whole lot of
Money, 'least my record label did
Internet stalkers search for
Nipple shots in each frame of my vid-

Ee-ohs, so this is fame and
Fortune, I can take or leave it be
It makes me feel as if some
Marketing firm found its destiny

And they say I've got talent,
Well, at least I know the score,
I know I sound like I'm down on my knees,
Not like I've not been there before.

And they say I've got talent,
In a unique-like-those-girls way,
Catchy and vapid as a boy band,
Songs the radio will play
And play and play and play and
Play

(Try not to think about the
Truer, deeper, better singer-
Songwriters you've never heard of
Working hard and starving while I
Tour the country, do the talk shows,
Sell the albums, get on M.T.
V., I only hope that someday
Someone hears the songs I wrote for me....)

... and play and play and play and play and play....

credits

from And They Say I've Got Talent, released November 5, 2004

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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