Airlock

by Tom Smith

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Your typical social media page is much like a party in your house. Your friends come in, they talk... not all agree on everything. But, for the sake of propriety, everyone is pretty polite, to each other at least. When they're not... well, it's the host's job to do something about it.

As a result, we've all become more familiar with the Block function on Facebook the past couple of years, primarily used to get rid of people, "trolls", who simply will not behave themselves.

David Gerrold (yes, THAT David Gerrold, the award-winning SF author) and Jim Wright are two of my very favorite bloggers. They are eloquent, heartfelt, and outspoken... which means they often attract trolls.

The trolls don't tend to last long.

David's metaphor for the Block function is the Trebuchet, which is wonderful for flingin' stuff. Jim's is even more dramatic: an airlock. Like that on a naval vessel... or a space station. Hope you brought your breathing apparatus.

Anyway, a recent rash of people who got "airlocked" for hilarious reasons got several of us thinking of songs, and... well, here ya go.

(My own metaphor for the Block is the Ban Hammer. And the phrase, "Buh-bye.")

lyrics

If you spend any time on Facebook you’ll know what I mean
There’s always one guy buttin’ in and saying things obscene
He’s callin names and layin blame and getting in your face
The only thing that you can do is launch him into space
He’s out the airlock...
Out the airlock,
Find his name and set for Block, give him one big hella shock
He’ll find someone else to mock, out the airlock, out the airlock

He’s determined to impress you with his wit and fire,
Thinks he’s Oscar Wilde, but he’s more like Oscar Meyer
Sticking to his talking points with arrogance and gall,
Pretend that he’s a Gallic cow and send him over the wall
With the Trebuchet...
Or the Trebuchay...
You can say it either way, French or English, that’s okay.
He’s still met his judgement day, Trebuchet, trebuchay.

A Facebook page is like a party with all of your friends,
But some folks think that they’re the place the party starts and ends.
They’re peeing in the punch bowl and then waiting to be thanked,
It’s past time to inform them that they’re permanently spanked.

So if you’ve got a commenter who’s always doom and gloom,
His every conversation sucks the air out of the room,
He hates on everything you love and tells you why you suck,
Shove him out without a suit and let him try his luck
Out the airlock...
Out the airlock...
Send him somewhere else to squawk, find somebody else to stalk
Brag about his monster cock, out the airlock out the airlock

credits

released August 10, 2016
Special thanks to David Gerrold ( www.facebook.com/davidgerroldauthor/ ), Jim Wright ( www.facebook.com/Stonekettle ), and Shopkat

Note: Neither Jim nor Shopkat are actually in this recording. "Shopkat" is a sample of some cat; "Jim" is me with a pitch shift.

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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