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A Pirate Christmas

from iTom 2​.​0: Transitions by Tom Smith

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The entire story behind this one is that first line. This one's a permanent freebie -- Merry Christmas, everybody!

lyrics

We three kings of orient ARRR...

Swab the decks w' boughs of holly
fa la la la la, la la la la
Hoist the Roger if it's jolly
fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our pirate trappings,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Caught me peg leg in these wrappings
fa la la la la, la la la la

From the portside to the starboard
And from transom to bow
We are covered with invading bivalves

They latched on when we were harbored,
And nobody knows how
To remove them and get the ship clear.

Barnacles, barnacles,
Give me a friggin' damn crowbar
barnacles, barnacles,
Soon they will eat this whole bay.

Said the lookout to the bosun's mate,
Do you hear what I hear?
(Do you ARRR what I ARRR!)

(a cappella)
O Cannonball, O Cannonball
I'll shoot you through the stockade wall

All I want fer Christmas is me two front teeth,
Me two front teeth, me two front teeth....

My cap'n told me,
Ba-rum pa pum pum
ARRR, RUM!
RUM!
I'm tryin' ta SING!
We LIKES rum!

Ye better watch out, ye better not cry,
Get the rum out, I'm tellin' you why,
Cap'n Jack is comin' ta town
He walks with a list, talks a good game,
Blade, kiss or fist, it's always the same,
Cap'n Jack is comin' ta town.

He seizes any treasure
The rum and wenches too,
He knows if you've been bad or good
(Cap'n Jack voice) And either one will do!

Don't follow his lead, it's gonna get grim,
The only survivor likely is him,
Cap'n Jack is comin' ta town.

Christmas, Christmas time is here,
Time fer loot and wine and beer,
Santa, bring your big ol' bag,
We want treasure, we want swag
Want a map from some old book,
Me I want a brand new hook
We can hardly stand the wait
Please Christmas don't be late.

I saw the Cap'n kissing Santy Claus
Down below the bulwark late last night
... Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Arrr! The herald angels sing,
Here's a letter from the king

Up in the crows nest, it's my watch,
Keeping warm with rum and scotch,
Icy winds and freezing sleet,
Too darn slippery to keep my feet
Yo ho ho, who wouldn't goOOOOOOO....

Silent night, holy night,
Shush the cat, douse the light
Round the back, the door isn't locked
Grab their stuff, we'll go get it hocked
Sleep in heavenly peace,
The constables' palms have been greased.

All right, ye swabs! Big finish!

Dashing through the snow
Is somethin' we ain't done,
Because we never go
Away from tropic sun,
Keep yer cold and ice,
We think it's kinda dumb
We've got our Christmas paradise
With beaches, girls and rum!
ARRR!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to sail the Caribbean today-ay!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas on the sea,
Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, a Santa's life for me!
Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, a Santa's life for me!

credits

from iTom 2​.​0: Transitions, released January 26, 2007

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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