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307 Ale

from Greatest Hits by Tom Smith

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This was, no lie, inspired by a Michigan automobile license plate, 307 ALE. If you have this plate, in any state, send me a photograph of it, and I'll send you a free CD.

The word "tesseract" has been co-opted to an extent by the Marvel Cinematic Universe, which uses that as the name for the Cosmic Cube/Mind Stone. But it is a mathematical thing, the fourth-dimensional analog to a cube ( en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tesseract ). For the most entertaining explanation of tesseracts you'll ever find, see "-- And He Built A Crooked House --" by Robert A. Heinlein (collected in The Unpleasant Profession Of Jonathan Hoag).

This song was judged co-winner of the 1989 OVFF Songwriting Contest, along with Michael "Moonwulf" Longcor's "I Can't Party (As Hearty As I Partied When I Was Twenty-One)".

lyrics

There's many drinks you'll drink, me lads, on every world that's new.
There's Saurian Brandy, Cranapple Schnapps, and a good old Tullamore Don't.
There's Busch and Beck and Bud and Bock and others dark and pale,
But I think you'll find the finest kind is Three-Oh-Seven Ale.

(chorus)
Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads, Three-Oh-Seven Ale,
The finest drink that any bar has ever had for sale,
It'll lay your whole damn world to waste, it'll make you fit and hale,
There's nothing that you'll ever taste like Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads,
Three-Oh-Seven Ale.

It started out at M.I.T. one lazy summer day,
When a couple of the frat-boy techies started in to play,
They'd caught up on their schedule with a couple hours to kill,
So they fitted up the cyclotron and made themselves a still.

(chorus)

They added choice ingredients to brew a little brew,
But they didn't know the wires were crossed in Chamber Number Two.
A tiny bit of space got folded, things were looking queer --
They turned the spout and then came out the world's first Hyper-Beer.

(chorus)

It bubbled and it burbled and it glowed a fizzly green,
And what it did to test equipment, frankly, was obscene.
It took awhile to find a vial it wouldn't burst to flame,
Then they measured out its potency, and that's how it was named.

(slower)
There's many drinks you'll drink, me lads, but this one beats them all:
One hundred fifty-three and one-half percent alcohol,
A beer, brewed in a tesseract, that'll shoot you through the roof --
And if you don't believe me, I've got lots and lots of proof.

(final chorus)
Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads, Three-Oh-Seven Ale,
The finest drink that any bar has ever had for sale,
It'll lay your whole damn world to waste, it'll make you fit and hale,
It sticks to your mouth like library paste,
With a stronger kick than toxic waste,
There's nothing that you'll ever taste
Like Three-Oh-Seven Ale!

credits

from Greatest Hits, released February 6, 2016
Words and Music: © 1989 by Tom Smith

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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