The Last Hero On Earth

by Tom Smith

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1.
What If 02:59
MAXICRON When I was a kid, they would fly overhead, Doing things that weren't possible, that's what folks said, Deflecting bullets, punching out trains, Lifting stuff using just the power of their brains, Every time that I'd see them, I wanted to be them, And I dreamed each night about all the things I'd do. What... if... I were a superhero with a cape and a mask, Give me some kinda powers and give me a task, Give me one little chance and that's all that I ask And I promise I'd stand tall, I'd be the greatest superhero of them all! AMAZING GRACIE When I was a kid, I watched 'em all on the news. FENDERBENDER And I swore that I'd be one, if they let me choose. COMPTROLL If I didn't have powers, I'd strengthen my mind. DOCTOR ZEN I'd look within myself, and see what I'd find. COMPTROLL, FENDERBENDER, DOCTOR ZEN Every time that I'd see them, I wanted to be them, FENDERBENDER And I trained each night for all the things I'd do. What... if... I were a superhero, I'll give villains a fright. COMPTROLL With my cave and my gadgets and my signal light. DOCTOR ZEN Give me one little chance, and I'd fight for what's right. MAXICRON, AMAZING GRACIE And I'd never let you down. FENDERBENDER I'd be the greatest superhero in this town! MAXICRON, AMAZING GRACIE, FENDERBENDER Some people say that we're psychotic, Breaking laws that we claim to uphold. But really, the costume's symbolic, And all that we're breaking's the mold. The bad guys like gaming the system, With legal details they dance. Our first job is justice, we don't ask that you trust us, Just give us that one little chance. GEORGE (THE WAFFLE) When I was a kid, I would see people try Just to work till they drop and not stop till they die. And I promised to make the world better someday, I swore I'd restore the American Way, Every time that I'd see them, I promised I'd free them, And I think of them with everything I do, And now, I... hey! MAXICRON, AMAZING GRACIE, FENDERBENDER, COMPTROLL, DOCTOR ZEN I Am a superhero, every one of us saw There's so much more to do than upholding the law, Give yourself just one chance, and you'll leave us in awe 'Cause we know that you'll stand tall, Inside every one of us is the greatest Su... per... hero of them all!
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MAD SCIENTISTS Mutter mutter mutter mutter Mutter mutter mutter mutter Mutter mutter mutter mutter BLIND FOOLS, BLIND FOOLS! ... mutter mutter mutter Mutter mutter mutter mutter Mutter mutter mutter mutter BLIND FOOLS, BLIND FOOLS! ... mutter mutter mutter Mutter mutter mutter mutter Switch, switch, Igor, throw the switch! ... mutter mutter mutter Mutter mutter mutter mutter Mutter mutter mutter mutter BLIND FOOLS, BLIND FOO- DR. MALLEVO Silence! This emergency assembly of Mad Scientists United Is hereby called to order, or as close as we can get. The first, last, and only item on today's agenda Is, HOW COME WE HAVEN'T KILLED THE BLOODY SUPERHEROES YET!? MAD SCIENTISTS Well, it isn't very easy, given that they're superheroes, They're invulnerable or armored or they're awful bloody fast, And they're awful bloody smart. PROFESSOR CARSTAIRS Or they're awful bloody lucky, DR. MALLEVO How 'bout awful bloody dead! Is that so very much to ask? MAD SCIENTISTS Well, we don't work together very well. We don't call each other on the phone, Inspiration takes hold, and, if the truth be told, We each want to get the glory on our own! I've been working on a deathtrap that'll shred them in their skivvies, I've built a giant laser that'll fry 'em where they stand, I'll construct a transmutation gun to turn them into privies, I've got a hundred-foot-long hero-smashing robot hand. I've got a mind control device so strong Dick Cheney curtsied, I've got a giant vacuum that'll suck away their breath, I've got some earthquake pills that I can hide inside some birdseed, I've got some exposition that'll bore them all to death. We've got awful bloody plans for an awful bloody conquest And awful bloody visions of an awful bloody fate On so much we are divided, but in this we are united It's those awful bloody heroes that we hate! DR. MALLEVO But HOW COME WE HAVEN'T BLOODY KILLED THEM YET!? SIR WILFRED Just wait.
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DR. MALLEVO And who are you, sir? PROF. CARSTAIRS How did you get into our secret lair? SIR WILFRED Oh, I've been a member in good standing for seventeen years now. MAD SCIENTIST I don't recall seeing you here before. SIR WILFRED Naturally not. I've made a point of keeping low to the ground until it suited me otherwise... eh, which it does now. I'm Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins the Third, MAD SCIENTISTS Who's that? Not a clue. Huffelwhat? SIR WILFRED There's a reason that of me you never have heard, I'm subtle, whereas you are not. DR. MALLEVO Now wait just a moment, you fat ball of grime, Everyone here works hidden, unseen, Advancing the causes of science and crime -- SIR WILFRED Advancing your egos, you mean! You're much too bombastic, you cackle, you gloat, To show off, you'll go any length, And you're caught. By inferiors. Grabbed by the throat... Whereas I... I have built up my strength. MAD SCIENTISTS This is preposterous! Did you not hear of my army of mutant wombats with opposable thumbs? Or my scheme to replace every banana in the tropics with plantains? PROF. CARSTAIRS Or my ultrasonic carrier wave that could disintegrate the world's undergarments? SIR WILFRED Ah, yes. How did the press refer to you? Captain Commando. You simply don't get it. You don't understand Concepts too simple for your huge brains. With each loss I've suffered, or victory I've planned, No evidence of me remains. The heroes don't know of me, nor the police, No record exists of my name. And so now, for years, they have left me in peace, To plan out the ultimate game. Behold! MAD SCIENTISTS Good god! A mechanical army! I've never seen androids so sophisticated! PROF. CARSTAIRS Well, there was that Catherine Zeta-Jones model.... MAD SCIENTIST There must be fifty of them! DR. MALLEVO Sixty. SIR WILFRED Five dozen robots, each keyed to a hero, Inexorable in their pursuit. And when they should touch, let's just say... ground zero At Hiroshima will seem rather cute. Each poor hero's private dimensional vortex Will fling him to some nether realm, While conveniently scrambling his cerebral cortex... Leaving us to assume the world's helm. MAD SCIENTIST It's Brilliant! DR. MALLEVO Visionary! MAD SCIENTIST We must announce it at once! PROF. CARSTAIRS Deliver an ultimatum! SIR WILFRED No, you fools! Haven't you heard a word I've said? The key to success is in keeping it quiet Until we are ready to strike. Our plans will collapse into ruin and riot If one of you gets on a mic. We lure all our targets with slick verbal pablum, To someplace benign, without care, Then catch them, entrap them, and finally zap them, And without the heroes, their armies will fall, You can unleash each gimmick and minion and thrall, By dawn the next day we'll have conquered it all. MAD SCIENTISTS At last we'll be rid of those meddlesome good guys, The playing field finally fair. They'll vanish so fast, there'll be no time for goodbyes, And the world will be mine! No, mine! No, mine! No, mine! DR. MALLEVO No, mine! SIR WILFRED Ahem. MINE! But I'll share. [mad laughter, with one punctuating controlled chuckle]
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MAXICRON Good morning, Hero Leaguers! FENDERBENDER Morning, Maxicron! DARK SUN Max. AMAZING GRACIE Hey, punkin'. MAXICRON Amazing Gracie, ixnay on the unkin-pay. FENDERBENDER Aah, come off it, big guy, Everyone knows. MAXICRON They DO!? AMAZING GRACIE Uh-huh. DARK SUN Remember last month when you had your memories drained by the Identity Thief? Well, he made MPGs. MAXICRON -- WHAT!? COMPTROLL Affirmative. FENDERBENDER They're all up at www.maxidoesgraciehubbahubba.com. [assorted jibes] MAXICRON Fine. Fine. Any new business? AMAZING GRACIE Just one thing -- a letter. From... Wimbledon? DARK SUN What's it say? AMAZING GRACIE The Hero League has been invited To travel overseas and play In a charity event for the Duke of Kent A tournament of croquet. And they'll even pay our way. HEROES Cool! [whoosh] MAD SCIENTISTS (IN DISGUISE) We'd like to welcome you to Wimbledon, The proper sporting place for gentlemen You are all pure of heart, thanks for taking part... In our tournament of croquet. FENDERBENDER 'Scuse me -- I don't know how to play. MAD SCIENTISTS (IN DISGUISE) Gasp! SIR WILFRED (IN DISGUISE) Now, now -- Let us explain the rules to our former colonists. Our side's red and yellow, you'll be black and blue, Take the club -- stout fellow! and we'll start with you. DR. MALLEVO (IN DISGUISE) Now you aim for the hoop -- [clack] -- play it where it lies -- SIR WILFRED (IN DISGUISE) Good show! DR. MALLEVO (IN DISGUISE) And now it's our turn... so everybody dies!
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FENDERBENDER What th- AMAZING GRACIE Robots! DOCTOR ZEN There must be fifty of them! COMPTROLL Omniscan confirms sixty! MAXICRON Hero League -- to the fray! FENDERBENDER That battle cry is so gay! DOCTOR ZEN Now, let's not offend -- MAXICRON Don't look now, my friend, but they're trying to blow us away! Blue Streak! MacroMan! AirRaid! Watch it! FENDERBENDER Macro! Watch out -- MACROMAN Wh- AAAAH! [MACROMAN is hit by one of the robots and vanishes] AMAZING GRACIE Macroman! He's gone! Max, he's gone! MAXICRON Macro... later! Stay frosty, Leaguers! Don't let 'em touch you! DOCTOR ZEN Amazing Gracie! To your left! AMAZING GRACIE Doctor Zen! DOCTOR ZEN [discorporates, recorporates] That was close! DARK SUN Fenderbender! incoming! three o'clock! FENDERBENDER Whoa! Thanks, Dark Sun! DARK SUN No prob- [zapped, gone] FENDERBENDER Dark Sun! Crap! DOCTOR ZEN Maxicron! Something is fouling up my mystic senses! AMAZING GRACIE It's those electrodes! That's what's doing it! MAXICRON Shield Maiden! Envelop as many of those as you can! SHIELD MAIDEN As you say, Maxicron! HI-YO-TO-HO! HI-YO-TO-HO! HI-YO-TO-H- [zapped, gone] MAXICRON Dammit, we're getting taken apart here -- WHA! AMAZING GRACIE Oh no you don't! MAXICRON Thanks, Gracie! AMAZING GRACIE Thank me later! FENDERBENDER Ha! I have more trouble opening a bag of chips -- AHN -- [zapped, gone] AMAZING GRACIE Fenderbender! AAH! MAXICRON Get -- AWAY -- from her! AMAZING GRACIE Thanks, Max! FAFNYR Stupid robots make Fafnyr's friends go 'way! Fafnyr ticked! [starts to transform into a dragon] AND THE TICKED-ER FAFNYR GETS -- ARRH! [zapped, gone] AIRRAID Maxicron, a little help? We're gettin' overwhelmed here! MAXICRON Multiplex! Six-A Defensive! MULTIPLEX [splitting himself off into six] Got it, boss! [a robot grabs one of him, and they are all zapped, gone] MAXICRON Comptroll! Logic beam, stat! COMPTROLL On it! Logic beam engaged in three... two... warning! warning! Circuits disrupted -- [zapped, gone] DOCTOR ZEN Mystic forces guide my hand! Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust! -- AAH -- [zapped, gone] AMAZING GRACIE Max, it's just us! We're all that's left! MAXICRON Then let's make 'em earn it, kitten. AMAZING GRACIE Oh yeah. Maxicron! Behind you! [they fight valiantly, but are quickly overwhelmed] MAXICRON Gracie! AMAZING GRACIE Max! [zapped, gone] SIR WILFRED Dr. Mallevo. DR. MALLEVO Yes, Sir Wilfred? SIR WILFRED I believe Professor Carstairs mentioned something about... an ultimatum? [both chuckle menacingly]
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FENDERBENDER What th- AMAZING GRACIE Robots! DOCTOR ZEN There must be fifty of them! COMPTROLL Omniscan confirms sixty! MAXICRON Hero League -- to the fray! FENDERBENDER That battle cry is so gay! DOCTOR ZEN Now, let's not offend -- MAXICRON Don't look now, my friend, but they're trying to blow us away! Blue Streak! MacroMan! AirRaid! Watch it! FENDERBENDER Macro! Watch out -- MACROMAN Wh- AAAAH! [MACROMAN is hit by one of the robots and vanishes] AMAZING GRACIE Macroman! He's gone! Max, he's gone! MAXICRON Macro... later! Stay frosty, Leaguers! Don't let 'em touch you! DOCTOR ZEN Amazing Gracie! To your left! AMAZING GRACIE Doctor Zen! DOCTOR ZEN [discorporates, recorporates] That was close! DARK SUN Fenderbender! incoming! three o'clock! FENDERBENDER Whoa! Thanks, Dark Sun! DARK SUN No prob- [zapped, gone] FENDERBENDER Dark Sun! Crap! DOCTOR ZEN Maxicron! Something is fouling up my mystic senses! AMAZING GRACIE It's those electrodes! That's what's doing it! MAXICRON Shield Maiden! Envelop as many of those as you can! SHIELD MAIDEN As you say, Maxicron! HI-YO-TO-HO! HI-YO-TO-HO! HI-YO-TO-H- [zapped, gone] MAXICRON Dammit, we're getting taken apart here -- WHA! AMAZING GRACIE Oh no you don't! MAXICRON Thanks, Gracie! AMAZING GRACIE Thank me later! FENDERBENDER Ha! I have more trouble opening a bag of chips -- AHN -- [zapped, gone] AMAZING GRACIE Fenderbender! AAH! MAXICRON Get -- AWAY -- from her! AMAZING GRACIE Thanks, Max! FAFNYR Stupid robots make Fafnyr's friends go 'way! Fafnyr ticked! [starts to transform into a dragon] AND THE TICKED-ER FAFNYR GETS -- ARRH! [zapped, gone] AIRRAID Maxicron, a little help? We're gettin' overwhelmed here! MAXICRON Multiplex! Six-A Defensive! MULTIPLEX [splitting himself off into six] Got it, boss! [a robot grabs one of him, and they are all zapped, gone] MAXICRON Comptroll! Logic beam, stat! COMPTROLL On it! Logic beam engaged in three... two... warning! warning! Circuits disrupted -- [zapped, gone] DOCTOR ZEN Mystic forces guide my hand! Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust! -- AAH -- [zapped, gone] AMAZING GRACIE Max, it's just us! We're all that's left! MAXICRON Then let's make 'em earn it, kitten. AMAZING GRACIE Oh yeah. Maxicron! Behind you! [they fight valiantly, but are quickly overwhelmed] MAXICRON Gracie! AMAZING GRACIE Max! [zapped, gone] SIR WILFRED Dr. Mallevo. DR. MALLEVO Yes, Sir Wilfred? SIR WILFRED I believe Professor Carstairs mentioned something about... an ultimatum? [both chuckle menacingly] Enter The Waffle NEWSCASTER Our top story: All sixty members of the famed Hero League have vanished, apparently into a trap sprung by their enemies. Police say the League was lured to Wimbledon by a fake charity event. Details are sketchy. Wimbledon officials were unavailable for comment.... ROBBER #1 Ladies and gents of First National Bank, Since all of the heroes are gone, we will pause here a moment to graciously thank You all in advance for your money. All right, in the bag! C'mon! ROBBER #2 [menacing guard] I wouldn't touch that alarm if I were you... WAFFLE (GEORGE) Well, you're not me, so what are you going to do? ROBBERS Whoa! What the...? WAFFLE There's still one hero left in this town, Now put your hands up and put the guns down. ROBBER #2 Wh- which first? ROBBER #1 Shoot him, moron! ROBBER #2 But he said -- ROBBER #1 Forget that! Where'd he go? WAFFLE Over here! Thought we'd have a nice chat. ROBBER #2 I ain't talkin' to you! WAFFLE If you put down the gun, Then I promise I won't make you Eat it for fun. ROBBER #1 Heck with this! ROBBER #2 Run! WAFFLE Time for the Syrup Gun! ROBBERS ... SYRUP Gun!? [*splortch*] Ewww! Yech! Gross! And it's one of those cheap brands, too! WAFFLE Mrs. Butterworth is a harsh mistress. Officer! ROBBER #2 That was my best shirt! ROBBER #1 I want my lawyer, and a gallon of dishwashing liquid.... POLICEMAN Thank you very kindly, Mr.... WAFFLE Waffle. BYSTANDERS Waffle? Waffle? What the heck kinda hero name is that? WAFFLE Well, I couldn't be "The Pancake", 'Cause that would have been too silly, And "The Breakfast Biscuit" doesn't match my hat. POLICEMAN And so what is your power, Mister Waffle? BYSTANDERS Waffle? Waffle! WAFFLE I confuse and then abuse their minds, so frail. BYSTANDER Mental waves of indecision? WAFFLE Nah, snappy patter and derision, I just baffle 'em, then WAFFLE! They're in jail. POLICEMEAN So let me get this straight -- you're a comedic superhero? WAFFLE Well, I try to be a stand-up kinda guy. BYSTANDER How do you intimidate the ones not baffled or in fear? WAFFLE -- Oh, I've been meaning to try out my battle cry! Ahem: It's Batterin' Time! [crickets] C'mon, work with me here. *sigh* Still, not too shabby for a guy with a Super Soaker filled with pancake syrup. I did it. I DID IT! I did it, did it, did it! I went out there and really stopped a crime! They didn't perforate my torso, I was scared but they were more so, And I know that I'll do better the second time.
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ANGELA George? WAFFLE Angela! Don't call me that! ANGELA It's your name, silly. WAFFLE Not when I'm in uniform. ANGELA It's not a uniform, it's a costume. WAFFLE Uniform. ANGELA George... WAFFLE You never call me by my real name. ANGELA What? I use it twenty times a day. WAFFLE No! You call me "George"! ANGELA Well, that's what you're called. WAFFLE But it isn't what you should say. ANGELA Well, I'm not going to call you "The Waffle", It's a silly name for fighting crimes. It won't terrorize the unlawful, And "awful" is the only other word-that-rhymes. WAFFLE I know it's not dramatic, I might've been mistaken, But all the really nifty superhero names were taken, I'm quick and fortitudinous, I think it's worth a shot, ANGELA You're impulsive and you're ludicrous! WAFFLE So I'll work with what I've got! ANGELA It's so hard sometimes, 'cause I do respect And even understand this drive. And it isn't fair of me to object, But I hope you'll get out of it alive. You're a gentle, kind, and funny lout, And I want to share your life, But I dread that the headlines will one day shout, "Waffle cut in restaurant by a knife". WAFFLE You've been saving that one up, haven't you? ANGELA Variations leap to mind all too easily. But, I'll hang on to 'em for a day or two. After you're back from Britain. WAFFLE Britain? What's going on in -- ANGELA It's all over the news. Something's happened to the Hero League. You may be the last hero on Earth. WAFFLE My god, I've got to help them. ANGELA Which is why you're the last hero on Earth. WAFFLE You stay safe till I get back, huh? ANGELA Just be sure you get back. GEORGE Love you, Angela. ANGELA Love you, George. It's a stupid name, but it fits so well, For you never knew what you could be, But when you're in costume, your uncertain shell Fades away, and a hero's all I see. You don't want big money, you don't want fame, You just want to help humanity, And so, even though I don't like that name... It's yours. Bring it home to me. DR. MALLEVO [broadcasting] People of earth: Fear us! Your heroes are gone forever! Either turn the world over to us, or we will wreak a devastation beyond your most frightened imaginings! NEWSCASTER ... surrounding Wimbledon, where the villains are headquartered. The energy shield was lowered briefly to allow them to fire a weapon, which transformed a division of tanks into styrofoam, and a team of military sharpshooters into toddlers wearing soft pastel jammies with footies. The standstill continues, with reports that someone was sneaking into Wimbledon while the shield was down....
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DR. MALLEVO Look there! A Hero! How could one escape? SIR WILFRED Mm. Spandex suit, standard mask, no wings or cape. DR. MALLEVO You haven't answered my question! You swore That the heroes were gone! SIR WILFRED Fine! We've got one more. DR. MALLEVO But the Sinister Sixty are vanished as well, And I don't think you'll summon them back out of Hell. SIR WILFRED Impatience is no virtue! DR. MALLEVO Neither is pride! Our stronghold is breached -- there's a hero inside! SIR WILFRED Not for long. You think that those robots were all that I had? The prototype mechanoid will stop this lad. All we need to do is key his DNA, And we'll blow the last hero on Earth away. HENCHMAN Sir, something is wrong -- the genetic scan Has registered him as an ordinary man. No powers, no magic, no alien tech, There's nothing about him to program the mech. SIR WILFRED Well, what about gadgets? A pendant or ring, A utility belt, there must be something. HENCHMAN Sir, he hasn't so much as a pen or a watch. DR. MALLEVO Well, find something! Or the whole plan will be scotched! PROF. CARSTAIRS We could always shoot him. MAD SCIENTISTS Carstairs, you're mad! I abhor gunplay -- it always goes bad! And what if he's bulletproof? or absorbs lead? SIR WILFRED If you'll calm yourselves, gentlemen... we'll make him dead. He has no such powers -- we'd've known when we scanned. I think we can lock on his adrenal gland, And once we have programmed the Kill-O-Tron mech, We can watch and enjoy as it wrings this fool's neck.
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WAFFLE Oh, great. A robot. Looks pretty strong. Don't know if I can avoid it for long -- KILL-O-TRON SURRENDER NOW, HUMAN, YOU HAVEN'T A HOPE, I CAN FOLLOW YOU ON MY U.V. AND INFRARED SCOPE. I'VE LOCKED ONTO YOUR GENE CODE, THE WAVELENGTHS OF YOUR BRAIN, PLEASE, I'VE NO WISH TO CAUSE YOU GRATUITOUS PAIN. WAFFLE ... What the heck kinda robot are you? KILL-O-TRON I'M THE PROTOTYPE OF EVERYTHING MY MASTER HAS CREATED, AND I THINK HE DID TOO GOOD A JOB ON ME. I'M THE FIRST ROBOT WITH FEELINGS, I HAVE LOVED AND I HAVE HATED, BUT WITH QUANTUM HYPERSENSITIVITY. I WAS MADE FOR ACTS OF EVIL, AND IT BREAKS MY METAL HEART, KNOWING THAT I MUST OBEY HIS EVERY WHIM. BUT HE CRAFTED ME MOST CAREFULLY, SCRATCH-MAKING EVERY PART, LIKE THIS CIRCUIT WHICH MAKES ME A SLAVE OF HIM. HINT, HINT. SO I TRULY DO REGRET IT, BUT IT'S TIME THAT I DESTROY YOU, MAKE YOUR PEACE NOW WITH WHATEVER YOU BELIEVE, BUT I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THIS ISN'T SOMETHING I ENJOY, YOU SEEM A DECENT SORT, AND SO FOR YOU I'LL GRIEVE. [*CRUNCH*] WAFFLE Ha! Got the circuit! KILL-O-TRON INDEED. JUST ONE NANOSECOND TOO LATE. SORRY. [zapped, gone] [huge vortex sound]
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WAFFLE Oh. Oh, man. I'm alive! I'm alive! There's a golden sky and three suns, but I'm alive. Wh- PIRATES Yo ho! On we go! Way hey! All the way! Yo ho! On with the show! Way hey! A slaughter today! ALISHAYA Put me down! Let me go, you -- PIRATE CAPTAIN Save yer breath, Princess Alishaya! You'll be needing it real soon. ALISHAYA Who are you barbarians, anyway? PIRATE CAPTAIN Ah, now, well, there's a tale.... What the hey! Ye deserve a bedtime story, before yer eternal sleep. PIRATES Heh heh heh. PIRATE CAPTAIN We're scavengers from across the stars Upon our lightsail skiff. One little blue planet that's just past Mars Had history that was spiff. And so we stole -- PIRATES Er, borrowed -- Gleaned! PIRATE CAPTAIN A bunch of lovely myth! So, Princess, you've been snatched by fiends You never reckoned with! PIRATE CAPTAIN, PIRATES We're... the... Pirate ninjas from Dino Island, Ain't our livin' grand! With cutlasses, kusari-gamas And nun-chucks in our hands! We've all got pterodactyls where Our parrots ought to be! PIRATE And let me tell ya, my right shoulder's In some misery, arrr.... [laughter] ALISHAYA You'll never get away with this! My people will rescue me! PIRATE CAPTAIN My dear, you're sadly lacking in Epistemology. Your people tried to fight us, I'm afraid they didn't win. So, they believe it's fate we caught ye. And they left you in The hands of... PIRATE CAPTAIN, PIRATES Pirate ninjas from Dino Island, Hide your wenches and gold! We've shuriken in the crow's nest And a T-rex in the hold! We hoist the Jolly Raptor As we sail the ocean blue, And if ye see us, it's too late, Because... we've... come... for... you! [laughter]
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WAFFLE If I had not already been beaten up by robots Or teleported offworld, I'd think I whacked my skull. Lemme check: Some ninja pirates with dinosaurs for mascots Have a gorgeous kidnapped princess. Well, this party won't be dull. PIRATES Sis Boom Ba! Sis Boom Ba! Sis Boom Ba! Sis Boom Ba! ALISHAYA What are you all chanting? Some ritual or charm? PIRATE CAPTAIN No, Princess, we're just calling on our favorite little pet. She's as gentle as a kitten -- that's been armed with plasma rifles -- And today, I'm sad to say, she hasn't had her breakfast yet. ALISHAYA ... Oh. PIRATE CAPTAIN Ah, yer a quick one. For a few more minutes, anyway. PIRATES Sis Boom Ba! Sis Boom Ba! PIRATE CAPTAIN She's a standard issue monster from a prehistoric time, Just ignore the thirty tentacles and foul acidic slime. She's as harmless as a butterfly, but starving her's a crime.... PIRATES We're feeding you to Sis Boom Ba! PIRATE CAPTAIN She's a fifty-foot-long bundle of dismemberment and fun, And her favorite snack is Princess, served upon a toasted bun, And princesses in the neighborhood -- well, you're the only one.... PIRATE CAPTAIN, PIRATES We're feeding you to Sis Boom Ba! PIRATE CAPTAIN I can't tell you where she came from, we're not sure where all she's been, And we cannot tell what kinda beast she be. All we know is, now and then, the poor girl's lookin' awful thin, So we has ta go and get some royalty! She's a evolutionary aberration to the core, She'd be sweet as any lamb except her taste for blood and gore And we're telling you about it so you know just what's in store... PIRATE CAPTAIN, PIRATES We're feeding you to Sis Boom Ba! [They throw the Princess onto Sis Boom Ba's altar] PIRATES Hey! Who's that swab upon the altar! What's that gadget that he's got? WAFFLE Princess, pull yourself together -- There! I think I've got that knot! Now let's -- ALISHAYA Sir! Look out behind you! WAFFLE Only time for one good shot -- [*splorch*] [huge nasty beast gurgles] PIRATE CAPTAIN Well, blow me down! She likes it! WAFFLE, ALISHAYA Let's get away from Sis Boom Ba!
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QUEEN SILVONIA I thank you, good sir, for the safe return, Of my daughter, Princess Alishaya, She has spoken to me of your bravery, How you saved her from perils most dire. My scientists say you're from so far away That our charts do not even list your star, I regret we cannot send you homeward, but You are welcome to stay where you are. GEORGE I thank you, my queen, for your kindness, Your offer is gladly accepted. I pretty much knew I was stuck here with you, For I felt every mile when I leapt it. QUEEN SILVONIA My daughter is quite taken with you -- ALISHAYA Mother! QUEEN SILVONIA Although I find you strangely clothed, And, as she was legally dead, I am free To declare you both betrothed. GEORGE -- Huh? ALISHAYA -- What? QUEEN SILVONIA, ADVISORS It's a very fine Old World tradition, Give the hero our most precious thing, And I'm sure she will bear several daughters fair And a son who is worthy to be king. How this circumstance has led to romance Is a wonderful hoary cliche. Blare the horn! Strike the gong! You'll be wed at dawn! GEORGE, ALISHAYA Don't I have any say?
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GEORGE Everything I ever wanted waited far 'cross time and space. I'm a hero! I'm the champion of a wise and noble race. An exotic alien beauty wants me to share her throne... I've never felt so alone. Even though they all ignored me, all the heroes were my crew. I may not have met their standards, but I did what they all do -- I defended truth and justice, and I lent a helping hand... They never seemed to understand Out here I'm appreciated, I'm exalted and revered, I'm idolized by everyone I see, But I never put this costume on just wanting to be cheered -- I just wanted to be slightly more of me. I'm across the freakin' galaxy, and my dreams have all come true, But to get them I've been pulled away from everything I knew, I'm a million light years from my love, and I don't know what to do, How can I shut off my whole life? How can I give up you? Everything I ever wanted isn't what I thought I wanted -- I want to hold my Angela, I want to see my friends, But I'll try to make the best of it, and forget about the rest of it, There's no use trying to pretend. There's too many stars above between me and who I love... I'm never going home again.
14.
ALISHAYA George... GEORGE Angela. --um, Alishaya. So. ALISHAYA So. GEORGE We're getting married tomorrow. ALISHAYA It isn't -- I'm not... GEORGE It's... fine, Al. It's fine. You're a beautiful, wonderful woman, and I'll do my best, and I know I'll come to love you in time. It's just... hard, is all. ALISHAYA George.... Everything I ever wanted was denied me by my birth, Valued only for my bloodline, not allowed to prove my worth, Never had the chance to choose my friends, never did things on my own... I've always been so alone. Though my people say they love me, I'm more ornament, or pet, And the standards that I'm held to, well, they've not been broken yet, I believe in truth and justice, but there's none that I command... There's too much that I understand. In there I'm celebrated, I'm the most beloved slave, Objectified by everyone I see. But you didn't know a bit of that, I was someone you could save. You didn't see a princess, only me. From across the mighty galaxy, my dreams have all come true, But I'm not the only one with dreams, and a life that's gone askew. I'm a million light years from your love, and I don't know what to do How can I take back my whole life? How can I give up you? Everything I ever wanted isn't what my people wanted -- I want freedom and adventure, romance and real friends, But I'll try to make the best of it, and forget about the rest of it, There's no use trying to pretend. There's so many stars above, somewhere out there is my love... I'm never going home again. GEORGE Al, I don't -- ALISHAYA Shhh. We're not marrying. You're escaping. I'm going to get you back home. GEORGE Home...? But your mother said -- ALISHAYA There is a way.
15.
ALISHAYA Behold... the Crossing Guard! GEORGE Where's his little sign? ALISHAYA ... What? GEORGE Nothing. CROSSING GUARD Welcome to the Convergence of Dimensions, The Crossing of Realities, The Nexus where all Time and Space are one, Past and Future there for you to seize, And, if you have the courage, you can visit distant suns, Simply choose the proper vortices -- The most delicately balanced point in all the universe, And to guard it is my privilige, my duty, and my curse. State your name and your business and to where you would traverse: GEORGE I'm the Wa- ... Who am I kidding? My name is George. George Everman. And I wanna go home. To Earth, please, sir. CROSSING GUARD That'll be ten credits, please.
16.
ALISHAYA Now, you have to time this exactly right. GEORGE But it will take me home? ALISHAYA This is transstellar flight. Look in the Crossing -- GEORGE Hey! Hong Kong, Bombay, St. Louis, Toledo, and Mandalay! ALISHAYA You can go to whatever landing point you see, But it changes each moment, so the timing's key. GEORGE Is there a way to control it? ALISHAYA There's a cosmic clock. GEORGE Hm. Currently set for Vladivostok. ... Excuse me? Hello? Can I set this hub To the All-England Lawn Tennis-Croquet Club? CROSSING Crossing reset -- Nexus activate In eleven seconds -- ten -- nine -- eight -- GEORGE Alishaya -- ALISHAYA George -- GEORGE Thank you. ALISHAYA Thank you. You've got to go now. ["Seven -- six -- five -- four --"] GEORGE Al -- ALISHAYA George, I -- GEORGE Shh. Me, too. ALISHAYA I know. ["Three -- two -- one -- "] [big whooshing SFX] ALISHAYA Everything I ever wanted, and I had to let him go, But I never will forget him, and he'll think of me, I know, Though a million light-years stand between us, he is still my friend... I'll never be alone again. [INSIDE the big whooshing SFX... sudden stop]
17.
WAFFLE It worked! I'm back at Wimbledon, I don't think they know I'm here, They think all the heroes are dead and gone, All we did was disappear. Their genetic data was the key To the robots' sneak attack. But if I can reverse the polarity... It might bring the heroes back! That must be the machine that did it, Oh, please, let this go off without a hitch, Now, all I have to do is hit it -- Or, more specifically, hit that switch -- [*splorch*] [reverse buildup energy noises] DR. MALLEVO You idiots! What are you doing? HENCHMAN We did nothing, sir! DR. MALLEVO Well, watch for an attack! SIR WILFRED Wait a moment... It's reversed the polarity! And that means, if we don't shut it down -- [lots of VOOPing noises as heroes reappear all around them] HEROES We're ba-a-ack.
18.
MAD SCIENTIST Hey! Didn't you die? [whack] MAXICRON I don't think so. PROF. CARSTAIRS Did Huffelbaggins lie? [krunch] AMAZING GRACIE Could be. MAD SCIENTISTS Where did they come from? [biff] How did they get here? [wham] Why are they hitting me? [stuff bash bonk] MAXICRON That was a really amazing adventure We'll have to trade notes when there's time [splunch kick] FENDERBENDER For now, disassemble those nasty machines there, MAXICRON, FENDERBENDER We'll take out the kingpins of crime! [skash] DR. MALLEVO Huffelbaggins, you cretin! They didn't die! [buh-whoom] You said that the heroes' brains would fry! SIR WILFRED I- I said between dimensions, their thoughts would be scrambled. DR. MALLEVO Well, so much for good intentions, sir, we've lost what we gambled! There are sixty angry heroes here, all hot upon our trail, If you don't have an escape plan, then we'll all end up in jail. And, quite frankly, sir, given all this horrid mess you've made, I'm decidedly inclined to give them you, sir, as a trade! SIR WILFRED NO! [strikes Dr. Mallevo]
19.
SIR WILFRED I will not be imprisoned with the ordinary rabble, I am Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins, The Third, I've no loyalty or love to those buffoons within my cabal, It's no time for delay or lollygagging -- WAFFLE My word! SIR WILFRED Gaah! The Waffle! WAFFLE You're the fellow who attacked me with this Robot, which then sent me A million light-years from my planet! SIR WILFRED Get away! WAFFLE But now I've got the controls, and I was Wondering if it went the other Way if I reverse and then I jam it? SIR WILFRED NOOO -- [zapped, gone] SIR WILFRED -- GUH! What -- where -- PIRATES Yo ho! On we go! Way hey! All the way! Yo ho! On with the show! Way hey! A slaughter today! SIR WILFRED Ahoy! Ahoy there! PIRATE CAPTAIN Look, mates! Another one! And who be ye? SIR WILFRED I am Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins the Third! PIRATES You believe it? 'Ere, he's royalty! Now what's the chance? Absurd! PIRATE CAPTAIN Well, I wonder if she'd like ya deep-fried, scrambled, poached, or shirred.... [huge nasty beast gurgles from Sis Boom Ba]
20.
[back on Earth....] MAXICRON Gracie! AMAZING GRACIE Punkin! BRITISH SOLDIER Right! Off to Scotland Yard, you lot! DR. MALLEVO Rr! We'd have won if not for that idiot with the syrup! FENDERBENDER When you put on the uniform, pull on the tights, Squeeze into costume, go out in the lights, You know that you're going to get into fights, And some of them you lose. MAXICRON When you go for the action, there's always the chance That you'll end up in traction from one deadly dance, But we're of the faction that finds the romance In the way of life we choose. MAXICRON, FENDERBENDER With great power comes great power bills, Every day that we play, we must pay for the thrills, But we're rewarded with curing society's ills, At least as much as we can, Don't underestimate the power of one man. MAXICRON Without you, those evil cranks Would have everyone enslaved Let me be the first to express the thanks Of the grateful world you've saved. Endorsement contracts should fill your coffer, And a TV appearance blitzkreig, But I'm afraid that all we have to offer Is membership in our League. Whaddaya say... um... what's your code name, anyway? GEORGE ... Well, actually... ANGELA HOLD IT! GEORGE Angela! ANGELA Hold it right there! He's known as... The Waffle! GEORGE Honey! You said it! ANGELA Hey, if you can save the world, I can say the name. GEORGE [turns to Maxicron, shrugs] The Waffle. MAXICRON Hmmm. Waffle. "Making the world safe for breakfast!" We can work with this. Waffle, welcome to the Hero League! HEROES [cheers and applause] WAFFLE [feeling bold] IT'S BATTERIN' TI- MAXICRON Ummm... Baby steps. AMAZING GRACIE Max! MAXICRON ... You're right, Gracie. Go for it, hero! WAFFLE IT'S BATTERIN' TIME! FENDERBENDER ... We are so gonna regret this. WAFFLE, MAXICRON, FENDERBENDER You can feel the electricity down to your socks, Don't try something illicit, or you're in for a shock, We're all summa cum laude in the School of Hard Knocks, So you better spread the news. With great power comes a great power bill, And we know that the program we go with can kill, But we know we can win, and we know that we will, We swear we'll make you proud ALL THE HEROES So sing it really loud. You can Be a superhero, you just have to care, And leave everyplace better than when you were first there, Give yourself just one chance, and you'll take to the air, And you're never gonna fall, Inside every one of you is the greatest Su... per... hero of them all! [elsewhere: a cell door slamming shut] DR. MALLEVO This is not over, Waffle! Dr. Thaddeus Mallevo shall have his revenge! PROF. CARSTAIRS Be quiet, you fool! The guards will hear! MAD SCIENTIST Oh, rapture! It's Body Cavity Search Day....

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Maxicron! Amazing Gracie! Fenderbender! These and many other famous heroes stick in the collective craw of the world's mad scientists -- who, frustrated with their numerous individual defeats, have united under the diabolical leadership of Dr. Thaddeus Mallevo and Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins III. Their goal: to get rid of the heroes forever with the terrible robot army known as The Sinister Sixty, led by the Kill-O-Tron! Now, only one hero wannabe -- the idealistic everyman who calls himself The Waffle -- stands between the people of Earth and total subjugation!

Pity he's just been zapped across the galaxy....

credits

released May 26, 2006

All music and lyrics © 2005 by Tom Smith.

The Waffle, Maxicron, Amazing Gracie, Fenderbender, Multiplex, Dark Sun, Fafnyr, Shield Maiden, Doctor Zen, Air Raid, Blue Streak, Macroman, CompTroll, Princess Alishaya, Queen Silvonia, Dr. Thaddeus Mallevo, Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins III, Kill-O-Tron, Pirate Ninjas from Dino Island, Sis Boom Ba, The Crossing Guard, and all other characters and likenesses thereof ™ & © 2005 by Tom Smith.

Cover Art: Diana Harlan Stein

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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