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Songs of The FuMP, Vol. 1

by Tom Smith

It had been a long-ass work week, it had been a long-ass day, I was hoping I could just go home and sleep the night away. But the message waiting for me was the worst a man could know: "Hi there, son, could you call me back? My computer's running slow." There are bamboo shoots and water torture, German blondes named Gert, Films with Adam Sandler and lots of other things that hurt, But it's not my job or girlfriend that finally drove me mad, I've been on the phone long-distance doing tech support for Dad. It took seven tries to get him to the Start menu and Run, He had Bonzi Buddy, Comet Cursor, and Quicktime 3.1. I said I'd try to find out if his firewall had been breached, Turned out he'd bought this Compaq before Clinton was impeached. Service packs and driver updates, he needs every single thing, And he gets online by dial-up, so he might be done by spring, But he trusts that I can fix it, his beloved college grad, Never mind it was in Russian, now I'm tech support for Dad. After thirty seven reboots, and a dozen clean installs, My room is trashed, my plants are dead, and there's green slime on the walls But his 'puter's running smoothly, I can finally get away, When he says, "Oh, yeah, son, one more thing -- how do you sell stuff on eBay?" Here's a pox on all programmers, puttin' crapware on your shelves, May you have to teach your programs to your dads by phone yourselves, There's the Normandy Invasion, and the Siege of Leningrad, And the special hell filling in for Dell as tech support for Dad. Now I've built him a computer, nothing can get in or out, The firewall's adamantium, and the drives are sealed with grout, And if this one starts to run slow, well, that's just too damn bad, 'Cause I'd rather shave my eyeballs than do tech support for Dad. Tech support for Dad. Tech support for Dad. "Hang on, son -- your mom wants to know how to set up a web page."
EULA Dancing 03:03
We welcome you to our beautiful island And lift your spirit with our traditional island song. Koma will translate. Naha nehi / neh-a lei-a he mi / ay ma maia me hanni ney hey naha nehi / neh-a alli wa hai / mia meh-a me hanni oo eh Important -- Listen Carefully. This song is a legal agreement between you, hereafter referred to as "the listener", and us, hereafter referred to as "the band". You agree to be bound by the terms of this song. If you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this song, do not listen to it. Nahi nehi / me got sand in my eye / and me think me should buy a new shoe Mia mi hi / try papaya stir fry / with pastrami on rye and a dew You may listen to this song one time, right now, when we're singing it. If you want to listen to it again, you must [a] buy our album, [b] put money in the tip jar, or [c] learn it yourself. You are prohibited from learning it yourself unless we teach you. We reserve the right to teach you incorrectly. Mia no like no tahini / mia no like chocolate cake Mia prefer some linguini / just like me mom used to make If you decide you do not like the song, you must completely remove it from your memory. We recommend a partial frontal lobotomy or a substantial intake of Jack Daniels. (Always drink responsibly.) Mia me hey / we with the N S A / we record what you say on the phone So you might like / to speak into the mike / if someday you apply for a loan You agree that the band may collect personal data from you. This includes your wife's age and weight, your bowling average, and the phone number of your hot teenage daughter. This may be sold or distributed to our partners, usually in the format "For a good time, call...". Bet you surprised / we been singing so long / without mentioning Mister Don Ho Look to the skies / get the sun in your eyes / Look, Zaphod's just this guy, you know? You agree to give us your bank account and credit card numbers. We don't really expect you to, but some people are just that dumb. Are you going to eat that? Mia no care want you wantee / mia no care what you think Mia got all of your money / plus you owe mia a drink Your exclusive remedy for any breach of this Limited Warranty is as follows: Tough noogie. Any damage you suffer from sitting too close to the amplifiers is your own fault. I mean, come on. They're ukuleles. Naha me hey / in the U S of A / breaker breaker good buddy ten four Thank you for play / ing, now please go away / don't let yourself get hit by the door If you heard this song in the United States, this license is governed by the laws of the State of Hawaii. If you heard this song in Canada, you are obviously a music pirate, as we have never been to Canada and don't sell records there. The Mounties are on their way over right now; please wait for their arrival and DO NOT DESTROY THE EVIDENCE. Nahi neh hi / neh-a lei-a he mi / iy ma maia me hanni ney hi listen to Ray / Charles sing "what you say" / na na na na, hey hey, goodbye This EULA is the entire agreement between you and the band. If you have questions about any part of this agreement, it's too late. There's nobody here to talk to, and if there were we wouldn't answer the phone. Aloha.... Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
The young man climbed the mountain Where the old man waited for him. The young man's face was hopeful, The old man's face was grim. The young man said, "I've come here To learn the secrets of life, Can you help me find destiny, Can you help me get a wife?" The old man looked at him closely, Didn't make a move or a sound, He was certain he could take the kid And the body would never be found. But, no, he was a guru, Of wisdom, he was a font, And he said, "It's just what you deserve, I'll tell you what you want. Everything you've ever feared of women is true Everything you ever think or say or do Is memorized and analyzed and scrutinized so it's unwise To give them ammunition to use on you. Go for boyfriend points, that's the key Boyfriend points, that's what she'll see Boyfriend points, with every action Boyfriend points, a big distraction Offer your umbrella, pull her chair out, hold the door, You need boyfriend points, if you want to score. Flowers get you fifteen, candy gets you ten, An upright vacuum, meet a new girl, start again. Don't forget her birthday, or even worse, don't ever look inside her purse What's in there is not for the eyes of men. Go for boyfriend points, don't kill those squirrels, Boyfriend points, quote Gilmore Girls, Boyfriend points, emote and feel, Boyfriend points, COOK A MEAL!? Romance is a contest, and romance is the prize, You need boyfriend points to beat the other guys. Don't leave her Shakespeare in the rain or use her ferret to clean the drain, Don't say that you're a Browncoat when you're not. Agree that Oprah Winfrey's nice, watch Brokeback Mountain with her twice, And nod when she says Daniel Radcliffe's hot Don't put Lunchables in her CD-ROM or list her mom on MILF dot com, Don't make fun of her Hello Kitty stuff, And there's one sure way to murder Cupid, tell her, 'Honey, That's So Stupid' -- If you do that, you can't run fast enough." The young man thanked the old man and went back to town, Followed his advice and learned something more profound: Treating women like they are a prize with lame-ass lines and dumb-ass lies Means someone DIES, and his body was never found. Go for boyfriend points if you got no clue, Boyfriend points will come back at you, boyfriend points, tryin' to be so cool, Boyfriend points, when you kiss you drool, If the battle of the sexes has become an all-out war, Boyfriend points ain't gonna help you score.
Here I am in hypersleep Awaiting my awakening, I'm travelling near the speed of light To our new colony, Except I'm trying to figure out How come I'm still awake when they Assured me I would be unconscious -- Oh well, must be me. Maybe I should think about My S.O. in the next tube over, How we're gonna celebrate The day we finally land Well, actually, that night or maybe Later 'cause we'll be unpacking I'll think about that later, When I can move my hand. Wish I had a bedtime story I could read to make me sleep, One of the Harry Potter books, Or maybe Dr. Suess I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them Sam I am, I do not like them with a goat, Or a majestic moose. Mind you, a moose once bit my sister. How horribly she was attacked, Moose bites can be pretty nasty Those responsible have been sacked. Hey there, NASA, have you heard the news? I'm awake in my deep freeze, thinkin' bout a stupid moose, I've got the hyperspace cryogenic insomnia blues. Hum hum hum hum hm hum hum hum, Hum hm hum hum hummmm hm hum, Menahmenah dee dee de dee dee Menahmenah dee dee de dee Menahmenah dee dee de dee dee It's a small world after all, That's why we left that mudball, Hypersleeping in free fall To a new world after all. Menahmenah dee dee de dee dee Menahmenah dee dee de dee Wish I had some NyQuil here, Or maybe just a keg of beer, Or my S.O. in something sheer, Or Salma Hayek, what a rear.... Baby got back, Baby got back, Baby got back.... I'm back to the future again, I hope I'll sleep but I don't know when, Of course if I wake up too soon, It's cause we hit some alien moon -- I'm crashed in the spaceship again. Menahmenah dee dee de dee dee Menahmenah dee dee de dee Oh good, I see a status light, To tell me where we are in flight We're two weeks out of Terran orbit, Ten years left to go.... Lesser men would go insane, But I'm the one who runs this brain -- Don't have to work and not in pain, I'll be just fine, I know. Please God, I beg you, let me die, The solitude is more than I Can handle for ten minutes, Let alone a whole decade. There's no one there to set me free, And worse than this captivity: My sweetie's sleeping next to me And we cannot get laid! I need you, more than anyone darlin', But right now I can't even weep, So suck it up, buttercup -- go back to sleep. Menahmenah dee dee de dee dee Menahmenah dee dee de dee....
I've got a hundred thousand comics carefully collected, And all the action figures for 'em carefully selected, The posters and promotions for each superhero movie, My ringtone's Frank N. Furter and Ash saying "Groovy", I've got each permutation of the XBox and PlayStation, My anime collection is the finest in the nation, If you wonder why I worked so hard to get geek cred, Well, I can't remember either, I'll have this crap till I'm dead! Insert geek cliche here (geek is the new "kinda cool", now) Losing streak of the year (I still get beaten up in school, now) Social freak full of fear (all the girls still think I'm a tool, now) Insert geek cliche here. George Lucas had Darth Vader in his Tie fighter to strafe us, Spielberg had Indy, E.T., Jaws and Richard Dreyfuss, Hawking, Sagan, Feynman, Gates and Wozniak and Jobs, The world is ruled by skinny doofs and nonathletic blobs. I have no skills or talent, and I don't know where to start, A real idiot savant, without the "savant" part. But I figure I can be successful like those other nerds, As long as I've got all the toys and shout out all the words. Insert geek cliche here (I get every new DVD, now) I fill six rooms with my gear (Amazon delivers daily to me, now) Watch my cash disappear (my credit score is three, now) Insert geek cliche here. I've got GURPS and D&D, every volume and edition I've got a million Magic cards, I'm still not a magician, Costumes, props, and make-up from every sci-fi show ever made, I actually thought that buying all this stuff might get me laid. And so I stalk around the internet in search of any plunder And where it's gonna lead me, you don't really have to wonder My finances are ruined so I live on beets and porridge My house is in foreclosure and my toys are all in storage The eBay people hate me, and they will not do my bidding, And I won't go and sell the stuff -- come on now, are you kidding? But don't misunderstand, I haven't found my inner geek, I can't afford a laundromat and all my clothes reek. Insert geek cliche here (I thought it would be so cool now) It's not chic, it's just queer (haven't been outside since Yule, now) Livin' on taquitos and beer (fall asleep and start to drool, now) Insert geek cliche here.
am the most trusted man in Nigeria, In me they have no doubt, For every day e-mail from Nigeria Asks me to help out. They have a lot of cash in Nigeria They're trying to get out And all these wealthy folks in Nigeria Think I have the clout To bribe the Border guards and customs men And meet them where they went To get the cash out from its stash, And I'll get forty percent. I am the most trusted man in Nigeria, I will not let them down, They only want my bank account To get the Money out of town. I am the most trusted man in Nigeria, And so I get no rest. I'm not sure how my friends in Nigeria Got my home address. But lots of rich folks die in Nigeria Without a son or daughter, No wonder they want out of Nigeria -- It's something in the water. And they Speak with faith and gratitude, They're frightened and distraught, They say that I'm their only hope -- They're worse off than I thought. I am the most trusted man in Nigeria, Sudan, and Namibia, too. The Continent of Africa Trusts me, so why don't you? All these wealthy people who Have sacrificed so much, But have nobody else with whom They'd rather keep in touch, They say that I'm their go-to guy, Cool-headed, brave, and smart, Those qualities not seen by my Co-workers at Wal*Mart. And so I'm helping friends in Nigeria Send out their cash in crates. They sure do have tough laws in Nigeria, And sky-high FedEx rates. I only hope one day in Nigeria The good times will come 'round, But meanwhile I'm right here for Nigeria, I will not let them down! Last night I Counted up just how much all these Cash transfers are worth, Nine times the money that exists In all the banks on Earth. I am the most trusted man in Nigeria, And now I hope you see, The world economy is at stake, It all depends on me! I am the most trusted man in Nigeria, And I will never fail, So if you've got some cash in Nigeria, Send... me... some... e... mail!
Cat Macros 02:19
I is a kitty and I has good fun I is entertaining everyone Dint used to be an internet icon Till my mom got a digital Nikon Now she stalks me round the house Interrupt when Ize chasin a mouse Waitin for me to make a silly pose, Stickin that camera up my nose Goes to compooter, she starts playin Makes up something I might be sayin Upload the pic for all to see, All her online friends go SQUEEEEE Cat macros. So I go cuddlin wit a stuffed bear Gettin peanut butter all over my hair Sprawled in a sunbeam, swattin at flies Trapped in the laundry wit big sad eyes Lickin at toesies, scratchin at fleas "I can has cheezeburger, peese?" Mom still doin her photo shoot, Good thing my little furry butt is cute Stickin my nose in an empty dish Lookin for an invisible fish I has no idea what you just said So here's me with a pancake on my head Cat macros. Now I is songcat singin this bridge From my stage on top o' da fridge I is only two years of age But I got my own MySpace page Da silly pictures people wants But only wit impact fonts I keep dis up, but for how long? Oh hi, I transpozed yur song So I has lyric all my own Can I has leftover to take home? I is Emo Kitty, I has angst I gots yur breakfast, k, thx Invisible Walrus step on you No, I has mighty feline fu Yur full o' win - Yur full o' lose Last Verse Kitty is not amused I'm in yur Thai food, nibblin' ginger I is stealth kitty, bein a ninja I'm in yur spookhouse, bein a haunt I'm in yur limburger -- DO NOT WANT!
I open the door and the light hits my face All I see is the gore, all I feel is disgrace For the fog of war permeates the whole place What the hell has died in my fridge? There's eggs from last summer, cream cheese from last fall, A six-week-old soft pretzel bought at the mall, Some Ziploc blew up, there's gray crud on the wall, And it all has died in my fridge. Raise a toast to these bagels and loxes That I stuck here, and stuck's what it is. At least seven carryout boxes Are glued to the shelf with Cheez Whiz. I no longer recognize this mayonnaise, I think this was beef with a fine demi glace, And the gherkins are moving in interesting ways -- It's been days since I opened my fridge. There's green in the orange juice, blue in the pork, That wine bottle's trembling, better not pull the cork, And the barbecued brisket won't give back the fork, I'm a dork who must clean out his fridge. As the whole house is filled with miasma From the foodstuffs that Tom forgot, I'm just glad that I don't suffer asthma, My clothing's beginning to rot. Those chicken breast halves that I took out to thaw Now violate hazardous materials law, And the hummus declared war on Mother's cole slaw... I withdraw the whole mess from my fridge. Now I've scrubbed the thing white, but the stench is still there, Ancient pasta and sauerkraut scorching the air, So if you want a beer, well, it's in there somewhere.... Say a prayer, crack it open a smidge, If you dare, it's right there in my fridge.
I have a good friend who I talk to a lot About books or movies or whatever's hot, But lately she tells me that she'd rather not, Just because she ain't seen 'em when I spill the plot. She says, "Spoiler Alert, Spoiler Alert, Like too much asparagus spoils your dessert, I want to discover this stuff by myself, I had no idea Mr. Smith was an elf." And he and Frodo jump into the Matrix, and meet Dumbledore the White, And this really hot babe named Trinity, who fights vampires with Wesley Snipes. Or Wolverine -- I can never keep those two straight.... It isn't my fault I read faster than she, Or catch all the previews they show on TV, Or download the movies so fast the cops blanch Or hack the computers at Skywalker Ranch. Okay, that one might be a little my fault. She says, "Spoiler alert, spoiler alert, Sit down and shut up or you're gonna get hurt, I want to discover this stuff on my own, And it's hard to strangle you over the phone." Leia's his sister, and Vader's his dad, What could I have said that would make her so mad? Norman Bates' mom is dead, Bruce Willis is a ghost, And Jesus comes back three days after he's toast. One day she came over, grinning with glee, And said "Now you'll know how it feels to be me, I have here the pictures, the scripts and the proof, King Kong beats Godzilla, and that is the truth. And then Kong takes a grappling gun, And he shoots it up at the International Space Station, And he climbs up there, and he's waving his arms around, bellowing, And he's holding either Milla Jovavich, Tea Leoni, or Paris Hilton in a skintight body suit (Although it's airless space so you can't actually hear him bellowing, And she's s'damn skinny you can't tell it's skintight). And then Richard Hatch comes -- Not the Survivor guy but the good one -- And he and Starbucks offer Kong some Mocha Chocalatta Ya Ya, Which Kong bats away with one swipe of his mighty paw, And so they send up their ancient biplane Tie fighters (Which don't have computers so the Vorlons can't control them), And they shoot him down and he falls all the way to earth, lands on top of a Zippo lighter factory, And Jack Black looks down and says, 'It was Butane killed the beast'." Spoiler Alert, Spoiler Alert, I was wrong, I'm sorry, check out my hair shirt. I finally get it, I want to stay friends, And so I'm not telling you how this song.
(to be sung with the best/worst Italian accent you can muster) Hey there, all you fellows Who don't understand romance, All that money you spend, like you're buying a friend With candy and dead plants, With jewelry and chocolate, you're gonna be broke a lot Even with a cash advance, So let me explain how you use your brain To dance the mating dance. You invite her over to your house, For a quiet dinner for two, You make a big plate o' fettucini alfredo Or maybe beef ragu, She gets one whiff of that, and you know where it's at, Whether she's the girl for you, She'll say, "Ho! That reeks!" -- or else, "Hm - add more leeks, And a bulb that's roasted through." Garlic is for lovers, That's what a man adores, She's nice and sweet: The girl who eats Till it's oozing out her pores. In etoufee or creme brulee, In Twinkees or S'Mores, Garlic is for lovers, I've got mine -- have you got yours? Garlic is for sweethearts, That's what the angels sing, So you don't look stupid when that meshuggenah Cupid Makes you give her a ring. If garlic-breath kisses don't chase her off, this is No doubt the real thing, Garlic is for lovers, Like onions in the spring. Some people think it's a bad thing, Some people think it's not nice, Some people think that garlic, she stink, They want some other wimpy spice. But nutmeg and cinnamon's for cookies, Paprika and saffron's for stew, Cayenne and cumin's for ordinary humans, but Garlic's for me and you. Garlic is for lovers, Sharing a warm embrace, That's why I brought a fresh-made bagna cauda And veal demi-glace. If you might get crampy when I get Shrimp Scampi, Keep back at least ten pace, Garlic is for lovers Who get really kissy-face. Garlic is for lovers Who don't need breathing space. (Alternate last lines:) Garlic is for lovers With no issues 'bout personal space. Garlic is for lovers, Who love right up in your face.
CYA 05:33
It's ten o'clock on a Thursday And the regular FuMP song ain't done So they give me a ring, they know I'll have something Finished by eleven fifty-one. Rob Balder is silly, and wears great nerd glasses, And Devo does techno-geek rap, But me, I'm here to cover their asses When the other guys run out of crap. I've got a rep for fast songwork, But the pressure sometimes is intense, I write and I mix with some audio tricks And I pray that the damn thing makes sense. Luke Ski is ambitious, so many huge plans, The Gothsicles have them as well But me, I'm here to cover their cans When everything goes all to hell. Now Possible Oscar have talent, Musicianship seeps from their pores, But when in the schedule they're over their heads, they'll Pound my metaphorical doors. The Bards go on tour from Midsummer to Easter And Raymond and Scum all year long, But me, I'm here to cover their keisters When instantly they need a song. When Seamonkey's lost in the bushes And Paul and Storm bust their balloons Me, I'm here to cover their tushes So Doctor Demento has tunes. When Coulton is touring and MC Lars is Too busy to throw stuff our way Me, I'm here to cover their arses Here I come to save the day. When Carrie and Carla are both going nuts, When Shoebox's keyboard just croaks, Me, I'm here to cover their butts And hopefully make up new jokes. And now that I've shown you what brass is, I think that we're at the last line, It's really no problem to cover their asses, Someday I'll ask them to do mine.
I wrote a letter to Santa Claus, saying, "I've heard you don't exist, But I know you do, so please won't you bring every- Thing on my Christmas list?" I tossed and I turned all Christmas eve, till the Clock said four fifty-three, Then I went downstairs and I couldn't believe what was Waiting under the tree: There was Keira Knightley in a see-through nightie, Salma Hayek and Kate Winslet. There were suitcases filled with hundred-dollar bills, And the keys to a new Corvette. There were deeds to some mansions in Rome and the Hamptons; A Hattori Hanzo blade; There were ten thousand shares in Google, and there's Every Star Wars toy ever made. It's the Ultimate Ultimate Christmas time, Every wish that I had came true. It had been a rough fall, so I went for it all, And The Man In Red came through. There's supposed to be joy at the birth of a boy Long ago in the Holy Land, But this is the Ultimate Ultimate Christmas -- I hope you understand. Well, I ran back upstairs to Mom and Dad, saying, "Come on, you gotta see," But they'd lost fifty pounds and rekindled the magic and Weren't paying attention to me. Sister got a boyfriend who didn't suck, Brother got a girlfriend who... did... So I ran down the street hoping maybe my luck Had been shared by the neighborhood kids. There were bikes and Nintendos in every yard; Lots of iPods and DVDs; Every grandma sent money in their Christmas cards, Not a single toy was Chinese. An anonymous friend paid off Mr. Hunt's farm, And the Wilsons got cleared for home schooling; Mrs. Taylor had regrown her missing arm; Mr. Johnson stopped shaking and drooling. It's the Ultimate Ultimate Christmas time, Santa's filled up his big red bag. He pulled out the stops and he bought out the shops, And now everyone's loaded with swag And all over the planet, even violent fanatics Are spreading yuletide cheer, 'Cause this is the Ultimate Ultimate Christmas, My favorite time of year. Steven Hawking got new vocal chords and legs, And AmTrak got new trains. The Rock got a script that didn't suck eggs; Britney and Paris got functioning brains. Republicans got their consciences, And Democrats got their spines. George W. Bush got pretzels and beer, Dick Cheney got vital signs. The alarm went off and I woke up -- I guess that I dreamed the whole thing, So I shook my head and I got out of bed To see what Santa DID bring. Like I figured, new socks, some cheap Lego knockoffs... And one big unmarked crate. When I took off the wrapping, I just about crapped -- It was Salma, Kiera, and Kate! It's the Ultimate Ultimate Christmas time -- Hope it's everything that you dreamed. I wrote to Santa to dare him and he brought me a harem, Won't my online buds be steamed? Maybe next year I'll ask for peace on earth For all the girls and boys, But this is the Ultimate Ultimate Christmas, So make a joyful noise. Yeah! This is the Ultimate Ultimate Christmas -- I think I'll go play with my toys.


The Funny Music Project is changing the face of comedy music -- and Tom's the left nostril! This collection of all the songs written for The FuMP in 2007 includes "EULA Dancing", "Ultimate Ultimate Christmas", the viral hit "Cat Macros", "CYA" (with guest appearances by most of The FuMP), a live performance of "Spoiler Alert", and both the original version of "Tech Support For Dad" and a live version featuring Tom's dad! Also included is "Driving Through Ohio", previously only available on the Earpicac CD. You want The FuMP? You got The FuMP!


released January 9, 2008

Cover Art: Luke Sienkowski




Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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