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Plugged

by Tom Smith

/
1.
Mand(e)la 05:40
I saw a circle turning, shining in the sun. The moon had got in front of it, and light and dark were one. I had not seen it earlier, the time, it had not come, But now I see that circle, surrounding everyone. And the beauty of that circle was something to behold, As if God made a wedding band of newly minted gold. (chorus) Life to the circle (Life to the circle), Love to the circle (Love to the circle), Shine, South Africa, shine. Life to the circle (Life to the circle), Love to the circle (Love to the circle), Shine, South Africa, shine. And the people say, Viva! (Viva!) Viva! (Viva!) Shine, South Africa, shine. I saw a diamond gleaming, shining in the sun, With thirty million faces, a smile on everyone. I hadn't seen it earlier, for blood had dried on dark, But now the blood has flaked away, and now I see the spark. And the beauty of that diamond was something fine and warm, The colors of the rainbow, together past the storm. (chorus) Life to the diamond.... I heard a people singing, shining in the sun, Thirty million voices that sounded all as one. I hadn't heard them earlier, the guns were all too loud, But now the guns are broken, and everyone is proud. And the beauty of those people is calling out to me. Now hear the joy inside them, for all of them are free. (chorus) Life to the people.... I saw an old man smiling, shining in the sun. The circle shone above him, the two of them were one. I hadn't seen it coming, I wish I had his eyes, For they can see tomorrow with every new sunrise. (chorus) Life to the people....
2.
Running my sloop to Bermuda, By way of the Florida Keys, Drinking Margueritas and looking for chiquitas Who like looking up at the trees... When the seas got choppy, the sailing got sloppy, And the waters ate my sloop, And when I come to, I'd rediscovered Mu On the North Atlantis Loop. And I'm lost in the Bermuda Triangle, Wondering how I'm ever gonna get home, There's a thousand ships from a thousand trips That ended up under the foam. There's a million lights in these endless nights And the ocean's crystal clear, Yeah, I'm lost in the Bermuda Triangle, Wondering how I'm gettin' outa here. I was drinking with the Loch Ness Monster, Rubbing elbows with a giant slug. Godzilla and Cthulhu were shouting "boola boola" And really cutting a rug, And the singing and dancing and drunken romancing Went on till I don't know when, 'Cause the band from the Titanic were causing a panic, And they weren't going down again. And I'm lost in the Bermuda Triangle, At the best party I've ever seen. Elvis is singing the news in his blue suede shoes, While Mr. Glenn Miller begins the Beguine. There's a million ways to spend these days In the warm Caribbean sun, I may be lost in the Bermuda Triangle, But, man, am I having fun. Who's that walkin' on down the line? It's Amelia Earhart, she's lookin' fine, She said, "Hey there, big boy, wanna go flyin'?" I said, "Oh, mama, get me to the church on time!" Bottle of wine, wheel of cheese, Amelia on my lap and my hands on her knees. She said, "Hey, now, my boyfriends'll be back soon, The Swamp Thing and the Creature from the Black Lagoon...." Well, we ain't got elections or taxes, No CIA, no KGB. We got seafood, swimmin' and a whole lotta women, And next week, the Cable TV. I suppose I could roam till I got back home, To the life I left behind, But there ain't much choice between the rat-race noise And partying till I go blind. And I've been found in the Bermuda Triangle, Ain't nothing ever been so right, I'm playing poker tomorrow with Ambrose Bierce and Che Guevara, And Amelia's by every night. There's legend and fable at every table And a lot of damn good beer, I got lost in the Bermuda Triangle, And I found myself right here. Come on down to the Bermuda Triangle, Just head south till you can't steer. Who's that walkin' on down the line? It's Amelia Earhart, she's lookin' fine, She said, "Hey there, big boy, wanna go flyin'?" I said, "Oh, mama, get me to the church on time...."
3.
All you hacker types who whine You spend too much time on-line To connect with the Divine, well, There's some software you should see. It'll only function in those Systems not in corporate limbos: Pearly Gates for Stained-Glass Windows -- Boot up God on your P.C. (Chorus) Gimme that on-line religion, Gimme that on-line religion, Gimme that on-line religion, It's God, Revision 3. It was Cardinal O'Connor Out defending Catholic honor, But I wish that he'd been on our Service, not on Prodigy. (Chorus) Those with sexual repression Now can e-mail their confession, Get absolved in that same session, And do penance virtually. (Chorus) Every good and pious hacker Goes to Heaven -- every slacker Is an unarmored attacker In the beta-test Doom 3. (Chorus) If you're an Amiga boaster, Stick the Eucharist in the Toaster, Pull it out, use as a coaster, Or send in to Fish PD. (Chorus) Though they often try to hide us, We all have Intel inside us, But should Pentium divide us, Well, that's close enough for them. (Chorus) There are lurkers in the Usenet Who have not heard the Good News yet, When I think of them, I do sweat, Each one's a potential troll. (Chorus) There's a World Wide Web of pages, That's grown up in several stages, It may not be Rock of Ages, But it's good ol' Rock and Roll. (heavy-metal band) Gimme that On-Line Religion, Gimme that On-Line Religion, Gimme that On-Line Religion, It's God, and God is ME! ("What the heck was that?" "I have not a clue....") Point and click on your Mosaic, Yes, it surely is prosaic, Tour the Vatican or Passaic, In the heart of New Jersey. Phoning Down to New Jersey, me boys, Phoning Down to New Jersey... Keeping track of those addresses Is the toughest of life's messes, And one thing I must confess is, URL-bound, wait and see. (chorus) Though the 'Net still coughs and wheezes, There's so much out there to please us, Give your mouse over to Jesus, Get to Heaven -- FTP! (chorus) Gimme that on-line religion, Gimme that on-line religion, Gimme that on-line religion, It's God, Revision 3. Gimme that on-line religion, Gimme that on-line religion, Gimme that on-line religion, It's God, Revision 3... Point One!
4.
Hey there, all you UseNet junkies, Check out de newsgroups that you haunt. I think you're all brainless monkeys, But you got something that I want. I got-a something no one uses, I got-a something no one need, I got-a sex line no one chooses, I got-a hot line to your greed. Spam, spam, spam, Oh yeah, I got -- Spam, spam, spam, If you want to muster all de troops, Post it in a couple thousand groups. Oh yeah, we got -- Spam, spam, spam, In de morning -- Spam, spam, spam, All de day -- Give my Web Page a peek, De frames load in about a week. I got ways to improve your love life, Thirty days, increase your word power. Man, it pays to ignore and shove life, Get on-line for another hour. I got-a low-key pyramid land scheme, I got-a gal in Kalamazoo, I got-a hokey New Age daydream, And it makes Julienne fries, too. Spam, spam, spam, Oh yeah, we got -- Spam, spam, spam, Here's my mailing 'bot, come on and sub, You'll be in The 2600 Club. Oh yeah, we got -- Spam, spam, spam, Sing along, now -- Spam, spam, spam, We'll spread your numbers far and wide, Use dem decades after you've died. All of the digits of your credit card are Secure on my hard drive in Flint, With every transaction you've made in the past ninety days! Somewhere out there on the Web is our charter With six gigabytes of fine print, All you have to do is negotiate our cyber-maze! I got a million good ideas, Send me a buck, I'll tell you three, Learn to grow sweet corn in your Chias, This good advice, you can't get free. I got-a number, go on, call it, I got-a lot of stuff to sell, I got-a hand right on your wallet, I got-account on A.O.L. Spam, spam, spam, Oh yeah, we got -- Spam, spam, spam, They name it after de meat so pink, But you don' gotta wait for it to stink. Oh yeah, we got -- Spam, spam, spam, Everybody -- Spam, spam, spam, If you hack so much you got no life, You can buy a e-mail-order wife. Spam, spam, spam, Sing along, mon -- Spam, spam, spam, You can get rich quick, it won't be hard, If you got a major credit card. Spam, spam, spam, In de morning -- Spam, spam, spam, All de day -- Just hop on my gravy train, Put your credit in de public domain. Get on-line, shut off your brain, Put your credit in de public do-ma-ai-in!
5.
Well, I'm a small-town boy with a heart of gold, Not to mention heat vision and breath that's cold, I've got super strength, I'm immune to pain, But I'm weak in the knees around Lois Lane. She's got a sexy walk, and the bluest eyes; Her clothes are all painted onto her thighs. She's got great taste, so I just don't see Why she's in love with my costume, but not with me. I can change the course of rivers, bend steel in my bare hands, But none of that hokey macho stuff makes me feel any more like a man. I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I'm tougher than a moving train, But why leap a tall building in a single bound, When I'd rather jump Lois Lane. Well, I'm a nice, easy-going kind of guy, I've got mild manners and my wit is dry, But it doesn't ever seem to matter what I say, 'Cause Lois never gives me the time of day. But when I fly the city in my blue and red, She'd risk the whole world just to get me to bed, But that's not the way I want to let her get my bod, It's not making love, it's seducing God. I've told her a thousand times, we can never risk normal sex. If I lose control, we could get David Cronenberg to do the special effects, I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I'm tougher than a moving train, But why leap a tall building in a single bound, When I'd rather jump Lois Lane. Well, I'm sick of all the supervillains poking fun, Just because I'm still a virgin at age thirty-one. I don't like the names that I'm being called, I couldn't care if Lex Luthor's always been more... bald. I'd love to let Lois know the way I feel, To let her know the man underneath the steel, But she doesn't want to have a thing to do with me Unless I'm out bashing baddies in my Bee Vee Dees. I've had it with the hero biz, frustration has got me down. Why should I bother with saving the city when I'd rather be painting the town? I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I'm tougher than a moving train, But I'd throw it all away in a minute if I Could just once get the jump on Lane.
6.
Garboo 04:31
When I was very little, and barely knew my name, I called my grandma "Garboo" -- I'm not sure where that came from, Some say it's German for "nanny," but I knew in my heart, I called both her and the garbage that, and at least learned to tell them apart. For many years we lived with her, my brother, mom, and me, My sister and my uncle, and our menagerie, Three cats with nineteen kittens, four dogs of varied size, And two monster velvet clown paintings with bulging plastic eyes. She taught me every Polish joke that I will ever know; One day I said, "I'M Polish!" She said, "I'll tell you slow." And every night she'd tuck me in and sing me "Danny Boy." She didn't have the greatest voice, unless you count the joy, She taught me penny poker, she taught me dirty puns, She taught me how to live each day by making each day fun. Her husband was a laughing man I wish that I had met, He died when I was six weeks old, but I will not forget The slightly faded photo as he held back joyful tears, Holding me for the first time the night he died -- She's had that look for thirty years. She's hardly even rested since my life has begun, She got a job in real estate 'cause meeting folks was fun, She's met so many people, and seen so many joints -- I wish she'd sold more property, but, hey, that's not the point. She's been to Rocky Horror -- twice, loved Beauty and the Beast, Thought Batman: The Movie was worth the price, plus popcorn too, at least, She heard me sing in concert once, and much to my surprise, I thought I saw my grandpa looking out behind her eyes. I wish that I could tell you, Garboo, all you mean to me, But language isn't clear enough, and diamonds aren't free, The music, love and laughter, and how they help you thrive, I learned them from my Garboo, and they're how I stay alive... O Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling, From glen to glen, and down the mountainside, The summer's gone, and all the leaves are falling, 'Tis you, 'tis you must go, and I must bide. But come ye back when summer's in the meadow, Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow, And I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow, O Danny boy, O Danny boy, I love you so.
7.
Rocket Ride 04:41
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, Nothing worth doing that I haven't tried. There ain't no living on planet-side, Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride. How many cities crumble into dust At the first atomic attack? How many self-aware, wise, and just Computers will we have to hack? How many supercars will turn to rust 'Cause we don't have a spare or a jack? Give me technology we can trust, And give it fins like a Cadillac. I want a shining tower of glass and steel, A rubber jumpsuit and a freeze-dried meal, The will to survive, the need to explore, The love of adventure, who could ask for more? I want you, baby, right by my side, Help me get out before my brain is fried. The stars are waiting, so big and wide, Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride. Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride. How many demons out in cyberspace Will possess every hacker's will? How many members of a master race Will come closing in for the kill? How many xenomorphs will change their face, And then hunt us down for a thrill? Give me a villain with style and grace, And a little bit of fencing skill. They used to be angular, sneering and bald, If someone got killed even they were appalled, They tried to marry the heroine, no thought of rape, And they sure as hell knew how to wear a cape. They never tortured, they never lied, They'd honor a promise if it meant they died. Let's find a villain with professional pride, Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride. Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride. Terminators, Life Force, Robot Jox, Predators, Lots of things that know how to flense, Defenestrate 'em out the doors, gimme gimme Star Wars, Bring back the Children of the Lens. Puppet Master, Child's Play, Fright Night, Judgment Day, Jason, Freddy, Michael, and Stripe, Let Frankenstein, Ardeth Bey, and Kong chase them all away, The Movie Snatchers' pods are overripe. I want more than action and special effects, To think about what might happen next, A hero, not a weapons shop with pecs, A heroine, not an excuse for sex. I want a bubble helmet matting down my hair, The ground giving way to the open air, The joy and wonder as I head out there, And I know I can have it, if I only dare. How many bodybuilding macho jerks Will blow everything full of holes? How many imitation Captain Kirks Will spill beer on the ship's controls? How many stupid personality quirks Will we see instead of souls? Give me my baby and a ship that works, And give us the starring roles. I want to cruise the galaxy at FTL, Pursuing Heaven and defying Hell, I want to do everything that a man can do, And I want to do it all out there with you. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, Nothing worth doing that I haven't tried. There ain't no living on planet-side, Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, Nothing worth doing that I haven't tried. There ain't no living on planet-side, Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride. Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride. Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride. Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
8.
Thank you for calling the Psychic Voicemail Hotline, The pre-recorded future just for you. You can press Option One if this is the first time you've called us, But that's not the case, so please press Option Two. We're glad you called us back, for we were worried, We warned you that the bridge was out that day. It's a good thing those jet-skiers happened underneath just then; Six weeks later, you've healed -- but we digress; anyway, Let's get to why you called us... Yes! She really loves you! Yes! She wants your child! Yes! Each time that you make love Will be passionate and wild. ... No, she doesn't like pro wrestling, She can't cook a meal, Yes, she's got a jealous ex, A psycho Navy Seal. We really think that you should take the ring back And say your goodbyes, But we understand you're helpless when you Look into her eyes, We'll have the number of a lawyer waiting, When she's finally gone, But for now, we think it best That you press Seven and move on.... Here's one of our celebrity endorsements, A stand-up comic who's finally out of debt. Ten years ago, we gave him good advice, and he ignored us; Now endorsing us is the only work he can get. Now press Option Eight to get your reading for this week -- Oh! Very cute. You've pressed the Zero instead. Your faith in us was not enough, so now you want some proof. Well, okay, bucko, in seven hours you'll be dead. May we give you the details...? First, you'll slam the phone down, Laughing nervously, Then you'll turn too fast and trip On the cord to your TV. You'll smash face-first through the window, You'll dangle by one leg, And when passing kids start throwing rocks Is when you'll start to beg. At last, your ankle will slip free, and like The Skylab, you will drop, But don't worry -- when you hit the roof of the Bus, you'll prob'ly stop. The emergency room will lose your papers, You'll die in pain and alone... And the only way to avoid this fate is stay here on the phone! Do we understand each other? Thank you for calling the Psychic Voicemail Hotline, Ten ninety-nine a minute, just for you. Oh, by the way, your checking account is overdrawn again, But that charge card you applied for just came through. Would you like the number?
9.
It's a beautiful night, but the stars in the skies Aren't nearly as bright as the light in my eyes, I didn't take my Prozac again, 'Cause without it I see things beyond mortal ken. Join with me in devout prayer, at midnight so deep, 'Cause once you know what's Out There, then you'll never sleep. A million years ago, he first came, He's changing my world, let me tell you his name -- Dread Cthulhu, Elder God from the stars, If you see him and live, you'll hang out more in bars, The nastiest ocean god left, Like a mountain of sushi, pissed off at the chef. His geometry has corners with curves, And the roles that we're born for are slaves and hors-d'ouvres, Those Caribbean cruise plans you've made, Have got you putting yourself in a sea salt marinade. All the tales of the power of the God of the Jews Never mention a tower of tentacled ooze. Confucianism, Buddhists, and Tao Don't prepare you for things that suck the skin off a cow. Still, he's one cautious god, and he's taking his time, But after O.J., Newt, Rodman, and Prince, what's more slime? He's got his flipper stuck in the door, 'Cause you see grosser stuff on Nintendo 64. Dread Cthulhu knew we fight if we're scared, So he made us so jaded that nobody cared. With clinic bombings, kids shot at school, And the W.B. Network -- hey, the Great Old One's cool. Dread Cthulhu knew the stars would be right To come back to the earth, so he's come back tonight. All your hope I don't want to crush, But to him, we're dead goldfish, and now it's time to flush. The F.B.I. waited for him to come, And now Scully's his priestess, and Mulder's her drum. A nuke only made him annoyed, So he banished our government to some nether void. The Chinese Army was one billion men, But just one hour later, he was hungry again; The Russians fell to madness and ooze, Although ironically Yeltsin went sane, and then swore off booze. Now, the secrets that killed men who lowered their guards Are collected by children on cool trading cards. Cthulhu Crunch, part of this nutritious horror; Visit Cthulhu-dot-com, but -- trust us -- use Explorer. His love slaves are swarthy, and vile as can be: Tammie Faye, Jen McCarthy, and Pamela Lee. He rules the whole world from within, But he's about to go public -- that's where I come in. Dread Cthulhu came to visit my dreams, 'Cause he knew I could keep singing over the screams, Fingers snapping, pseudopods flaying, He'll let me live as long as I keep on playing. Dread Cthulhu, rising out of the sea, To devour the planet with biscuits and tea, Now we're at the end of the show, With six billion Human McNuggets, ordered to-go. ("I'd like to super-size that, please....")
10.
In the Old Days, the priests filled the rituals and feasts With power and magic and mystery, And, when angered, they cursed -- and, to my mind, the worst Was: "May you go down in medical history!" Those woad-wattled Wiccans would wither wide woodlands While widows wept wildly with woe; Well, one of them wailed out a curse, and it failed -- Until just a few days ago! Now I stare at girls' buns and make up lousy puns, I guess I've got Tom Smith Disease, I've got hair on my pudge and a craving for fudge, I think I've caught Tom Smith Disease, Guitar in my left hand, a Pepsi in right, Surrounded by lovelies whose sweaters are tight, I've written today what I'm singing tonight, I think I've got Tom Smith Disease. Well, it started one spring with that Frank Hayes-ish thing That makes you go blank on the words. Frank would just start to croak us a tune, then unfocus His eyes, and say, "That's for the birds!" Now, Frank found fine filk, fitting friendly folks' feelings, Fostered female fen fondling Frank. On me, they draw knife, and say, "That's worth your life!" I guess I know who I should thank. Clark Kent is un-sexed and I'm probably next, I think I've got Tom Smith Disease, I've got Domino Death and Three-Oh-Seven breath, I must have caught Tom Smith Disease, I've got songs about aliens, vicious and grody, Songs about Smurfette and Wile E. Coyote, I wish I could blame it on booze or peyote, But noooooo, I've got Tom Smith Disease. Moonwolf does historical ballad, With style and skill and panache. Juanita does horror, both funny and squalid, Then sells you her tapes for your cash. Leslie Fish does Kipling, or protest, or pagan, Or songs of forgotten deep space. Me? Dead Piglet, dead Robin, Ronald Reagan, And I can't get this grin off my face! So, if you're out filking and somebody's milking The audience for all that they're worth, If they're shreiking at wordplay that'd make any nerd say, "I have to get back to the Earth", If he's telling tall tales till tis' tempting to taste-test Tums-Tetly titanium tea, Kindly use something dull on the back of his skull, But be careful, 'cause it might be me! I've got groupies, awards, and some torch-waving hordes, And certainly Tom Smith Disease, My romances don't last 'cause I filk them too fast, I'm a victim of Tom Smith Disease. When I pick up my pen, the stopwatches appear, My music just gets weirder year after year.... I can't shut off the puns Any more than the leer, It's like gluing the leaves back on trees. At some point, of course, I Should mention the Dorsai Whose logo is by Kelly Freas. ... I can't think of a pun. Hm. I guess the song's done. And Bradstreet. There's no cure till I die, But who better than I To "suffer" from Tom Smith Disease!
11.
Falling Free 05:33
One to be a person, two to be a team, Three to be a family and four to build a dream, Got to find the future 'cause that's where we want to be, Don't know when we'll get there but we'll get there falling free. Mother, won't you hold me in your shiny walls of glass? Father, won't you guide me 'cause I'm learning things too fast? And comfort me with wisdom in the night (long endless night), Help me find a way to see the light. Brother, won't you play with me before we lose the years, Sister, won't you stay with me and kiss away my tears, As we climb hand over hand, hand over hand (hand over hand), Help me find a way that I can stand. But O my Mother, O Father dear, Why did you make me? Why am I here? Why am I so different from the foremen and the crew? Is something wrong with me, or is something wrong with you? I got one to meet the darkness, one to greet the dawn, One to hold you close to me and one for hanging on, Got to find the future 'cause the present's all I see, And I won't last without a past, I'm out here falling free. Father, tell me what I'm feeling for her in my heart, Why do regulations keep the two of us apart? Mother, tell me why we cannot share The child that grows within me -- don't they care? O my Mother, O Father dear, Can't you release us? Can you not hear? We are just the tools of the ones who run the show, There's so much they're not telling us we simply have to know. We've got one to seize the moment, one to follow through, One to let go of the old and one to grasp the new, Got to go where we don't know how hard the way will be, Don't look behind, just cut the line and leave us falling free. Can't you, don't you, won't you believe it? Can't you, won't you, don't you understand? We... we are the children Of the gravity of man. You made us in your image, you left us in your wake, You made us with your hearts and minds and you cannot make us break, Those who came before you sought the freedom we will win, And those who follow after will accept us as their kin. We've got one to be a person, two to be a team, Three to be a family and four to build a dream, Got to find the future 'cause that's where we want to be, Don't know when we'll get there but we'll get there falling free. One to meet the darkness, one to greet the dawn, One to hold you close to me and one for hanging on, Got to find the future 'cause the present's all I see, And I won't last without a past, I'm out here falling free. One to seize the moment, one to follow through, One to let go of the old and one to grasp the new, Got to go where we don't know how hard the way will be, Don't look behind, just cut the line and leave us falling free. One to be a person, two to be a team, Three to be a family and four to build a dream, Got to find the future 'cause that's where we want to be, Don't know when we'll get there but we'll get there falling free.

about

Now imagine Tom REALLY wired. It's shticks, drums, and rock 'n' roll as Tom celebrates family and freedom, parties in the Caribbean, invokes some Pretty Good Old Ones, and crams more puns into a song than anyone alive. Also included: The Superman Sex Life Boogie, done up for a proper jazz combo!

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released May 24, 1997

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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