iTom 4​.​0: Smith and Legend

by Tom Smith

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about

Before science, people explained how the world works with myth -- the sun was Apollo's chariot wheel,thunder was the dwarves bowling, Dick Cheney was the offspring of a cockatrice and Elmer Fudd, that sort of thing. Time marches on, but we still have legends and superstitions and weird beliefs of all stripes... and several of them got in Tom's face, or vice-versa, in new and interesting ways. From warning labels to Wikipedia, from sidekicks to space opera, and including two zombie apocalypses (apocalypsi?), Tom once again brings the weird, the wacky, and the occasionally poignant. The bonus track is a rockin' cover of Leslie Fish's seminal space anthem, "Hope Eyrie".

credits

released October 26, 2007

Songs written and recorded May-October 2007

Special Thanks to:
Anne Schneider
Leslie Larkins
Leslie Fish
Random Factors
GenCon Indy
Jonathan Coulton
The FuMP

tags

license

about

Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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Track Name: Smash the Frickin' Fairies
There's a fairy grove in my back yard,
I found it just last night.
And the fairies come to have some fun
In the silvery moonlight
They're lovelier than anything
That you have ever seen
And when you smash them with a brick
Their blood's all thick and green.

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Bash 'em in the head.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Giggly sparkly fairies,
Dumbass tiny fairies,
Make them suckers dead.

Stupid little fairies
Come to dance and sing,
Hang 'em from my nipples,
Now they're fairy bling.
Tiny little wingspan,
See how cute they are,
Press 'em in a phone book,
Tape 'em to my car.

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Tacky goofy fairies,
Cutesy Wootsy fairies,
I don't wanna stop.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Tinkly stinkly fairies,
Poopy stoopy fairies,
Squeeze 'em till they pop.

Who cares about their ancient magic,
Who cares about their hidden lore,
I just like the way they go stiff then go limp
When you catch their heads in a door.

Who cares about their timeless beauty
Who cares if their existence is a shock
I took pictures of them posed with my Dominatrix Barbie
And my eBay shop can't keep 'em in stock

Some people see the fairies and
Their hearts and souls are moved,
I tie them to bowling pins,
My average has improved.
Fishing isn't boring since I
Use them now for bait,
They're also good as shredded cheese,
Their life is really grate.

The fairies joined together
Came to each other's aid
Too bad I had a shotgun
And a big ol' can of Raid
So now they're really frightened,
They're sad and mad and vexed,
And when I take the fairies down
The Hobbits all are next!

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Dainty pretty fairies,
Gaudy bawdy fairies,
Crush them under trains.
Anvil at the ready,
Drop it on their head-ee,
Bring in some undead-ee,
ZOMBIE FAIRIE BRAINS!

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Stupid cutesy fairies,
Icky nasty fairies,
Bust their little heads.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Fill their cemeteries,
Then I woke up, Doctor,
Can you please adjust my meds?
Track Name: Waking Up Jedi
When I woke up this morning, I was a Jedi knight.
I had those cool khaki robes and a saber made of light,
I had those Jedi Mind Tricks, which were quite the little perq,
My girlfriend is weak-minded, I was almost late for work.

I had three meetings but they were the best times of the day,
I waved my fingers and my boss would just look away.
I raised my hand and Krispy Kremes floated over with style,
My secretary didn't believe it -- I said, "That is why you file."

My favorite lunch spot is across a wide and busy street
But I just leapt and Jedi flipped and landed on my feet,
My cell phone calls and wireless connection didn't drop,
And I didn't have to pay the bill, thanks to a mind-tricked cop.

Then a child,
A little child,
Looked up at me with angry eyes,
And said "You!
You are not Jedi,
Because Jedi are the good guys!"

You're right, you little snotnose, I must be of the Sith,
I'm trading khaki in for black like all my evil kith,
My job's debugging software, so I'll be Darth Secticide
And I will seek out Jedi, no matter where they hide.

And then I saw my girlfriend, with grim protruding lip,
She wore form-fitting khaki robes, a lightsaber on her hip
She said, "You cannot win, your powers will no longer work,
And the good guys have to win this one, 'cause you were such a jerk."

I lowered my lightsaber, and said, "When you're right, you're right.
I'm sorry that my Dark Side has led us to this fight.
It must be midichlorians made me what I've become --"
She said, "It can't be that, 'cause midichlorians are dumb."

So now I strive for inner peace and helping those in need,
I've cut back on the mind control and acts of guile and greed,
And best of all, my girl and I combine our Jedi powers,
There's lots of ways to use the Force, and some can last for hours.
Track Name: Online Ghost
You never really could explain
Why you shipped off to hell
Now every day, the same refrain,
He served his country well.
I tried to set aside my rage
I tried to let it be,
But one day I found the wrong web page
And saw you smile at me

An electric echo is all that's there
And all that I'll prob'ly get
And I didn't expect I'd have to share
You with the internet.
This isn't what I wanted, but it's
More than most,
How long will I be haunted by your
Online ghost?

The tinny speakers began to blare
An Alan Jackson song
There were pictures of you over there
Like nothing had gone wrong
A blog about where you had been,
As much as was allowed,
Of how you'd soon be going in
To make all of us proud.

Your voice and smile are frozen there
Where anyone can see
Even if I could, would it be fair
To keep you just for me?
We hadn't talked in your last days, but now I've
Got this post,
A fluke of the MySpace maze got me your
Online ghost.

Of course I really have no choice,
I go back now and then
To see your face, to hear your voice,
To just remember when.
I used to fear you were alone
Wherever you might be,
But now I fear that you have grown
Your own community.

Every day another joins the ranks
Of pages that won't change
Some people say I should give thanks
For that much, but that's deranged
'Cause to have you here with me is what I
Want the most,
The world will never see more than your
Online ghost.
Track Name: The World Is Against You
"Other drivers hate me" you say under your breath,
You should know that they do, and they're plotting your death
They're all jealous because they're not as good as you,
The world is against you, but what can you do?

There's a twelve-item limit in line at the store
And you're trapped behind someone who has thirty-four
The cashier can't add, and the bagger is high,
The world is against you, and you don't know why.

The day you were born, the gods, on a whim,
Looked down at your cradle, said, "We don't like him,
There are so many ways to ensure his downfall,
We're immortal and bored, so let's try them all."

Your favorite team lost 'cause you laundered your shirt
The one from your childhood, with magic team dirt,
You wouldn't have gotten all four tires flat
Except that your path was crossed by a black cat.

You can't wash your car or the rain soaks the ground,
For three days and six hundred miles around
The bankers just called, and they want the house back,
Your mother's in traction, you stepped on a crack.

So many bad things happen, all caused by you,
Your existence offends the whole universe through,
Distant planets align just to mess up your day,
And the stars in the sky feel the very same way.

You relit the pilot, your furnace went boom,
You spit donut crumbs at your boss 'cross the room,
Your name's at the top of a terrorist watch,
You use public toilets, got growths on your crotch.

I suppose that someday the gods might let you be,
But you're more entertainment than they usually see,
If you ever stopped whining, they might get a clue
And start bugging someone more whiny than you.
The world is against you, what else can you do?
The world is against everybody else too.
Track Name: Blog Like It's The End Of The World
So the meteor struck and now everyone's dying
But this is no time for fussing and crying
There are zombies all over from coast to coast
And I've got to tell everyone in my next post

Even though I can hear noise at the door
And something is trying to claw through the floor
My voice is important, I know that for sure,
And for now, my mom's basement seems secure

You've got to
Blog like it's the end of the world
While we've still got the phone lines and power
Blog like it's the end of the world
Though our readership drops by the hour
Earth is in danger so I'll answer the call
With a scathing retort posted at TownHall
You've got to
Blog like it's the end of the world
Just in case that's what it turns out to
Be.

No matter how bloodthirsty zombies become,
They can't withstand Atrios or Kevin Drum
Of course they want brains, they don't have one iota,
Of what God gave Glenn Greenwald or David Sirota

We can bar the doors or light bonfires,
But check Free Republic and Crooks and Liars
'Cause with undead carnivores roaming at large,
We want John Derbyshire leading the charge.

You've got to
Blog like it's the end of the world
For the citizens need all the facts
At the corporate media the gauntlet is hurled,
Likewise, at the zombies, this axe
Our civilization is blowing to bits,
But today my LJ's had four thousand hits...
You've got to
Blog like it's the end of the world
Just in case that's what it turns out --

There's a troll in the comments who's giving me stress
Whining how we're defeated and beaten
I'll just forward the zombies his IP address
And eventually he'll be eaten
There's an interesting stench coming in through the vents
Or it could be this sandwich from Tuesday
There've been so many noteworthy current events
That we're lucky today's a slow news day

I have no idea 'bout the fate of men
HaloScan and Gravatar are hosed again
Daily Kos is down and so's Powerline,
But that's normal so for all I know everything's fine
I can hear from upstairs that the screaming has stopped
And that face peeking through doesn't look Photoshopped
As they burst through the door, I know that I'm done
Just give me a minute for spell-check to run

You've got to
Blog like it's the end of the world
All is chaos, unrest and disorder,
Blog like it's the end of the world
And the comments get shorter and shorter
Now normally I'm not someone who complains
But I'm getting the munchies, and what I want's brains
You've got to
Blog like it's the end of the world
'Cause it is.
Track Name: Sidekick
I'm the hero's sidekick and I've got a lot to say
None of it's intelligent, I just get in the way
But I'll do one useful thing to help him save the day
I'm the hero's sidekick, and I'm... o... kay.

When the hero needs me, I will be right by his side
Unless of course I've wet myself before I run and hide
Still, I'll prob'ly help him out just when it seems he's died
I'm the hero's sidekick, and I've got... my... pride.

He would have a girlfriend if he noticed her,
But they do this stupid little dance,
She'll end up with me, of that I'm pretty sure
If he weren't so obsessed I'd had no chance.

When the villain has us where he wants us in the end,
I'll do something stupid against which he must defend,
Leaving him wide open for a shot from my best friend,
I'm the hero's sidekick, or so I... pre... tend.

Maybe then I'll get a scene where I don't die alone,
Or perhaps I'll live, and we'll both see how much we've grown
All I've done since Volume One is argue, piss and moan,
Won't someone give me a franchise of... my... own?

I'm the real hero, I'm the one folks want to see,
Second fiddle or banana ain't my destiny,
What's that, then? that means the villain's coming after ME?
I'm the hero's sidekick, and that's all... I... need... to... be.
Track Name: iDon'tCare
Everyone is lining up
To get the latest toy
With every fancy buzzword
The reviewers can deploy

It's a wireless browser,
Music player, and a phone,
Well, listen up, you Apple junkies,
'Cause I've got my own

It's called
iDon'tCare
Amazing gadgetry
iDon'tCare
The latest in ennui
It tells me if what's cool or hot
Actually matters -- usually not

iDon'tCare
The new technology
iDon'tCare
It's more than sophistry
All it does has been done before,
But now it's clumsier and costs more

Every permutation, every
Variance in hue
Is sold across the nation as if
It was bold and new

Slim responsive elegance,
Such sexiness and grace
It's like a high-priced hooker
With a logo on her face

iDon'tCare
'Cause I don't need to own
iDon'tCare
Another telephone,
If it's worth all this noise and hype,
How come it's not as clear as Skype?

iDon'tCare
I haven't got the time
iDon'tCare
To shift a paradigm,
I only want to play a song,
Good thing that my thumbs are strong

So many times we've seen this sort of marketing before
You can buy a brand-new lifestyle at your favorite store
Give up your apartment, your sedan and both your jobs,
To gently stroke the touchscreen and twiddle with the knobs

It may make stuff more fun to do,
But keeping track is hard
Did you just win at Sudoku
Or max out your credit card?

It's guaranteed to change your life,
It really is da bomb
Like Windows ME, the Segway,
PSP and Pets dot com

iDon'tCare
Your life is more compact
iDon'tCare
With a two-year contract
The Steves have got a perfect plan
To feed your short attention span

iDon'tCare
And so I'll muddle through
iDon'tCare
'Cause I've got things to do
And if the future's passed me by
I won't complain 'cause I'll know why
They have new crap to buy and I
Don't care.
Track Name: Everything Is Dangerous
Your kid can get salmonella from his new pet turtle,
Buckle your seat belt or through the windshield you will hurtle,
You can choke on anything not bigger than your head,
Everything is dangerous, so how come you're not dead?

You might poke your eye out with any given toy,
You might die from allergies to peanuts, wheat, or soy,
All these deadly circumstances we cannot improve,
Everything is dangerous, so please try not to move.

Terrorists are everywhere, in every school and mall,
And it might be better if you don't touch cheese at all.

All the other drivers are insane and they've got guns,
Don't pick up hitchhikers, even if they're dressed as nuns,
Your date has GHB, he hopes tomorrow you'll forget him,
Everything is dangerous, so go ahead and wet 'em.

Dihydrogen monoxide will surely spell your doom,
It might just be easier if you don't leave the room.

Make sure that your sunscreen is at least SPF 30,
Don't eat food in restaurants, the chef's hands might be dirty,
Gay men want your body and they can't control their urges,
Monks have secret messages they're chanting in their dirges.

Magnetic waves from in your cell phone just might fry your brain,
There's a flying spaghetti monster in your beef chow mein,
Paris Hilton might explode, I saw it on Fox News,
Everything is dangerous, including Starburst chews.

Keep yourself hydrated or you'll pass out from the heat,
Watch out for a wormhole openin' up beneath your feet,
Motorcyclists with tattoos just got out of the joint,
Homeless people have diseases, so don't stare and point.

From the moment that you're born until the day you die,
Everything might kill you, and a lot of things will try,
So you've got two choices, and they're easy to compare,
Everything is dangerous, or everything's just there.
Everything is dangerous, so suck it up, mon frere.
Track Name: Dead Again
Rocket launcher, rail gun, BFG Nine Thousand One,
Never saw it coming and I never had a chance.
Bad enough being dead, Sub Zero pulled off my head,
Master Chief is doing his victory dance.

Lost Asia in Risk, Diablo burnt me to a crisp,
Even though I had the Godly Plate of the Whale.
Two pair, eights and kings, Sauron got the One Ring,
Getting dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

Harry Potter came up short dueling with Voldemort,
Elspeth Holliday met the Blair Witch.
Spider-Man showed such aplomb till he met that pumpkin bomb,
Mr. Incredible didn't throw the switch.

Cliff racers, cave bats, stupid frickin' giant rats,
Deadly piranha poodles, or soldier ants,
You were eaten by a grue, Hah! The Wumpus got you,
Nancy Drew and Scooby Doo teabagged in Halo 2

Dead again,
Splattered all over a rendered killing floor,
Dead again,
Let me respawn and I'll be back for more,
Dead again,
Let me get to the checkpoint, then you can do your worst,
Dead again,
Then I'll reload but this time I'll shoot first.

My marble plummets from a height, should have rolled it to the right,
Jumped through lots of traffic but then fell off a log.
Russian cubes from the sky, and I let 'em stack too high,
Punched right off the screen by a humanoid frog.

T-Rex got me, now I'm toast, chased down by a blinking ghost,
Landed on some spikes and dropped every last ring.
Bitten by a fanged slug, Jafar zapped my flying rug,
Trampled in a bog by a Barbarian King.

Mechanized war bots, Mudokan slingshots,
Centipede dropping a flea on my head.
Couldn't fly as Alfred Chicken, Duke Nukem kept on kickin',
Fought Guy of Gisborne with only some bread.

Skeletons hit me twice, dragon breath cased me in ice,
Couldn't line up all the jewels three in a row,
Shot up by Miami cops, beaten with karate chops,
Kept on missing platform hops, and the timer never stops.


Dead again,
How come these worlds have so many bottomless pits?
Dead again,
And everyone that I meet wants me blown to bits.
Dead again,
Reincarnation one byte at a time,
Dead again,
It's so embarrassing to be killed by green slime.

Real life goes on until you're
Dead, or so I'm told,
Injury, catastrophe, or
Simply growing old
Fantasy's supposed to be where
You can find your dreams,
But all I find is game designers
Hooked on players' screams.

Smothered by a boa constrictor, drawn and quartered by a lich or
Eaten by a cat while dodging Beethoven's Fifth.
My flying ostrich drowned, monkeys throwing barrels down,
Torn apart by creatures out of legend and myth.

Zombies got a hold of Jill, nurses up in Silent Hill,
All those German snipers on the beach at Omaha.
Swallowed by the sand worms, infected by some nasty germs,
Didn't slap the leather when I heard him say, "DRAW!"

Running from Koala Kong, made a turn that's really wrong,
Sephiroth's supernova fried us where we stood.
Broiled in a lava flow, squashed by Super Mario,
Didn't make my saving throw again,st lawful good.

Thirty zillion space machines blowning up in cut scenes,
I actually found a way to die in Myst.
Ninja swords decapitate, plasma guns obliterate,
Pocket nukes annihilate, reboot, transubstantiate.

Dead again,
Inching ahead until once more I choke,
Dead again,
The funeral bills would leave my whole state broke,
Dead again,
Something is trying to chew off both my legs,
Dead again,
Who in the hell dreams up these easter eggs?

Dead again,
All of the guys at work think I'm a freak,
Dead again,
They watch golf and NASCAR every week,
Dead again,
They'll never understand what I call fun,
Dead again,
'Cause any of my lives is cooler than their one.
Track Name: Wiki Pirates
Some lust for gold and silver, and some for gems and jewels
But some want greater treasures, and they use their software tools
For some of us quest for knowledge, and we wants it undefiled,
But now and then you get a troll who thinks he's Oscar Wilde.

Beware the Wiki Pirates, who sail the server seas.
They flaunt their fake credentials and their advanced degrees.
They control the information with bullying moderation,
'Cause arrogance and online swagger trump your expertise.

No matter what your sources, no matter whom you cite,
He doesn't want to hear it, 'cause he knows for sure he's right
There is no compromising, no bargain or accord,
He's never heard of you, or doesn't like you, or he's bored.

Beware the Wiki Pirates, they love to wield their clout
All day they'll argue details that no one cares about
They don't see as overreachin' their demands for page deletion
Web pages are in short supply, and what if we run out?

Yo ho, yo ho, no one ever thought,
Yo ho, yo ho, in this web we'd be caught,
The Wiki's meant to document the stuff the mainstream missed,
Instead we've got a pompous sot who's building up his wrist.

So if ye've got a subject that really interests you,
Beware the Wiki Pirates, they've got nothing else to do.
Someday we'll have a knowledge base with all you want and need,
Till then we'll take cold comfort that they're likely not to breed.

Beware the Wiki Pirates, who whine at our attacks.
They're only trying to help us, never mind the rules and facts.
They're just honest, not unpleasant, it's not their fault that we're peasants,
If we'd only see their brilliance, everybody could relax.

Beware the Wiki Pirates, that basement-dwellin' band.
They regulate and obfuscate what they don't understand.
The grief they give ya will reduce ya to trivia and minutiae,
And prayin' that you really do get banned,
Only "public notoriety" will get you in their library,
Be grateful they're all lost at sea... they'd try to delete the land.
Track Name: I'm On Firefly
Well, I'm the captain, Mal, my wit is dry,
I may never be a success, but I'm gonna try,
I live by one law: Murphy's -- and you know why, yay-hey,
I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah....

Well, I'm the first mate, Zoe, I always survive,
Like my career after Cleopatra 2525.
I'm the hottie who'll kick your ass, and you know why, yay-hey,
I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah....

I'm Zoe's husband Wash, I'm one lucky guy,
I'm also the pilot, so shut up and let me fly,
I'm the comic relief on the wind, and you know why, yay-hey,
I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah....

I'm Jayne, the hero of Canton, I'm one studly guy,
Don't get on my bad side, or you're gonna die,
Oh yeah -- I don't have a good side, and you know why, yay-hey,
I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah....

I'm Kaylee the engineer, I know what to do,
I'm the oversexed grease monkey snarky savant Mary Sue,
I'm in lust with Simple Simon, and you know why, yay-hey,
I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah....

I'm Simon, the doctor, and Jayne gets on my nerves,
If he doesn't shut up, I'll make sure he gets what he deserves:
I'll lock him in a room with my sister, and you know why, yay-hey,
I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah....

I'm River...
I think...
There's a 29.22% chance that this verse won't scan,
But rewriting it in iambic -- oooh, dancing!

I'm Inara, the Companion, in love with Mal -- who knows why,
He always calls me a whore, I guess he's shy --
And nothing will ever happen, 'cause so am I, yay-hey,
I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah...

I'm Shepherd Book, the token... religious guy,
I've got a great left hook and I think like a spy.
All that Barney Miller paid off, and you know why, yay-hey,
I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly, I'm on Firefly.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah....

Well, I'm Joss Whedon, the creator, yeah, that's me,
The only one to compare is J. Michael Straczynski.
I thank you all for watching Serenity, yay-hey,
Buy my DVD, buy my DVD, buy my DVD.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah....

I'm Brannon Braga, and I'm the Star Trek guy,
Forty years of franchise, and you can kiss it goodbye,
Joss got it right in one -- I hate that guy, yay-hey,
He did Firefly, he did Firefly, he did Firefly.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah....

Well, now this song is done, time to say goodbye,
It's been a lot of fun, but I've gotta fly,
I've set aside fifteen hours, and you know why, yay-hey,
To watch Firefly, to watch Firefly, to watch Firefly.
Yada-dah-dah-dah-dah....
Track Name: Undead Happy Trees
Life is art, and art is life, that's what I used to think
Till the happy little accident that's pushed Earth to the brink
The dead are rising everywhere, on human flesh they feed,
They always ask for brains because they know that's what they need,
But somehow I got lucky, because I'm still pretty smart,
Either that, or my profession didn't need much brains to start,
The other zombies shamble, they move and think so slow,
So they're the perfect audience for my painting show

Load your two-inch brush with liquid white, but don't you let it dry,
Phthalo Blue and Cadmium Yellow sweeping 'cross the sky
Broad strokes with Mountain Mixture, stippled with Dutch Elm Disease
Pull down and gently brush across, and look there... you've got
Undead happy trees.

As zombies, we don't have the fine control for small details
So stick a number six fan brush right through your hand, that never fails,
A palette knife is good for rolling on some Van Dyke Brown
And also slicing pieces off that guy you grabbed uptown
Now add some shrubs and undergrowth and a riverbank with stones
And another layer of Liquid White for all the skulls and bones,
For living flesh, use Alizarin Crimson and Bright Red,
A few circles and some thin dark lines, and look there... severed heads!

Now some blue and crimson mixed together finish off that sky,
Just because you're dead and rotting is no reason not to try,
There's an artist deep inside you, he went well with wine and cheese,
And his family is fleeing to be caught by... the
Undead happy trees.

Now, the mountains should be greens and browns on top of orange streaks
Which represent the glow of towns that have burned back there for weeks
And the bodies bobbing in the river should be reds and grays
Use Titanium White to highlight those that've been there several days
Add some details to the foreground, broken toys, someone's lost shoe,
Now it's finished, add your signature -- yes, yes, an "X" will do,
Be sure to take care of your tools, don't let palette knives get dull,
And clean your brushes, whack them dry, on an easel or a skull.

Each painting is a new world, made how I want it to be,
And so my world's a happy place, my zombie friends and me,
Humanity may all succumb, but I will take my ease
And paint the screaming victims of my new friends... the
Undead happy trees.
Track Name: Don't Gotta Be A Big Star
Teenage cuties sell out stadiums
In the blink of an eye,
Rappers threaten to end their careers
If their fans won't buy.

Record labels treat customers
Just like common thugs,
Lame-O singers with fake boobs
Make news by doing drugs.

That's the mainstream music biz,
That's all I ever hear,
If that's what they think music is,
I think I'll stay right here.

Don't gotta be a big star,
Don't gotta be a big star,
Don't care if the big guys never call.

If getting to where they are
Means always going too far,
Don't gotta be a big star... at all.


Used to sit in my cubicle,
Dreaming great big dreams,
Concerts, movies, TV shows,
Dancing fangirls' screams.

Went to bed each night half dead,
Woke up just the same,
Thought that I was trapped there, no one would
Ever know my name.

And then the rat race kicked me out,
My songs were all I had,
I plugged into the Internet
Since then life ain't so bad.

Don't gotta be a big star,
Don't gotta leap the high bar,
Don't gotta limo filled with girls and bling.

It's just me and my guitar,
I still drive a used car,
Don't gotta be the Next... Big... Thing.


I'm not the kind of artist
That they want on Tee Vee,
Just a fat old hippie, there ain't
Nothing much to see.

But I can make you laugh like mad
Or cry from love or pain,
I can sing a song you'll never
Get out of your brain.

I've got all of you, and all this
Music we can share,
You wonder, will I hit the big time,
I'm already there.

Don't gotta have the limelight,
I'd rather get this rhyme right,
Not in stores and never hope to be.

I only
Need to make enough off this,
To never
Go back to that office,
And there's at least a million more like me.

Don't gotta walk the Red Line,
Living between each headline,
The paparazzi waiting for my fall.

No fortune I need to bring in,
I've just got to keep on singin'.
I'm happy and I'm free, and that ain't small.
Don't gotta be a big star -- I've got it all.
Track Name: Hope Eyrie
Worlds grow old and suns grow cold
And death we never can doubt.
Time's cold wind, wailing down the past,
Reminds us that all flesh is grass
And history's lamps blow out.

But the Eagle has landed; tell your children when.
Time won't drive us down to dust again.

Cycles turn while the far stars burn,
And people and planets age.
Life's crown passes to younger lands,
Time brushes dust of hope from his hands
And turns another page.

But the Eagle has landed; tell your children when.
Time won't drive us down to dust again.

But we who feel the weight of the wheel
When winter falls over our world
Can hope for tomorrow and raise our eyes
To a silver moon in the opened skies
And a single flag unfurled.

For the Eagle has landed; tell your children when.
Time won't drive us down to dust again.

We know well what Life can tell:
If you would not perish, then grow.
And today our fragile flesh and steel
Have laid our hands on a vaster wheel
With all of the stars to know

That the Eagle has landed; tell your children when.
Time won't drive us down to dust again.

From all who tried out of history's tide,
Salute for the team that won.
And the old Earth smiles at her children's reach,
The wave that carried us up the beach
To reach for the shining sun.

For the Eagle has landed; tell your children when.
Time won't drive us down to dust again.