iTom 1​.​0: And So It Begins

by Tom Smith

/
1.
I'm a twenty-first century man With my twenty-first-century stuff But my GPS and PCI-Express Are never gonna be enough I got a toothbrush that turns the mattress, Got a phone that'll walk the cat My plasma TVs record DVDs But I don't care about that I want my flying car I want my flying car I want this two-bit Dodge the hell out of my garage Hitch my station wagon to a star I want my flying car They told us we'd have robots and portable fusion, Clone our bodies so we wouldn't stay dead, But I have to doubt 'cause it didn't come out The way Mr. Asimov said. My coffee brews itself every morning, My shower cleans itself every night, But twice a day I'm caught in a traffic knot I'm growing older at every red light. I want my flying car I want my flying car You know it just ain't fair, I wanna hit the air Bid the street life au revoir, I want my flying car I want my flying car If I make a mistake I can use my air brake, Or grab a phone line with a spar, I want my flying car No more waitin' and hatin, and jerks tailgatin' When I'm levitatin' over the town. Parking fees wouldn't matter, I'd drop a rope ladder Over side and climb right down. No barrels or cones or construction zones, No blasting radio in the next lane, I'd put on a Stetson and make like George Jetson, If I've got a flyin' car, I can get a girl like a Jane! ... Jane, stop this crazy thing! A thousand miles to the gallon, It never rides bumpy or loud, When the weather gets nasty, I make a real fast Z- Positive climb through the clouds, I never worry 'bout signs or signals, 'Cause who's gonna take me to jail? Wait, what's that siren? Is someone else flyin'? I got pigs on the wing on my tail. Up in my flying car I want my flying car Why stay on the ground when you can drive around In a Chevrolet Shooting Star? I want my flying car I want my flying car Well, I don't care how, 'cause I'm ready now, The future can't be that far, I want my flying car.
2.
Every time your computer crashes... a cuddly kitten dies. The impending horror flashes in its innocent kitten eyes. From its gentle purr to its down-soft fur, it begins to vaporize, With one heart-wrenching "Mrew?" with its last breath, It's a victim of the Blue Screen of Death. When your net connection drops, a baby seal is clubbed. When the flow of data stops, its tiny head is drubbed, And you think your ping is the only thing that just got whacked and scrubbed.... But, somewhere, sad brown eyes are asking Why? Because of that Blue Screen, they had to die. All those endless software patches and the Service Packs as well Have empowered cyberdemons from the darkest pits of Hell, Think of every download mirror that was broken when you came, Now, for each one, seven years of bad luck, that still works the same.... When PowerPoint fails the mission, a fairy loses its wings. All those slides and cool transitions flense the flight gear off the things. And it's Tinkerbell you've sent to hell at your quarterly meetings, While Peter Pan forlornly calls her name, Never knowing The Blue Screen her soul did claim. Is it more like the Grim Reaper, or a black cat 'cross your path? Is life only an equation? And how do we do the math? Is it instinct or misguided play or deliberate attack? Is there any way to stop it without switching to a Mac? Every time your system goes down, a puppy dog is kicked. When the firewall needs a hose-down, a bunny's getting bricked, But amidst the fear, the end is near, the computer has been tricked... We've found a way to disable that Blue Screen, But who knows what will happen now it's Green?
3.
Well, I hied me down to the Renaissance Faire, For to have a fairish day. There were lots of Renaissance Faire folk there, Dressed in their special way. There was Good King Richard in a golden crown, His Good Queen Anne in a satin gown, But as they went by, I was spun 'round... And a wench grabbed my head, I was pulled face down and shoved against two hot clammy mounds Next thing I knew I was on the ground... The paramedic looked apprehensive. Death by Wubbie, a sad and awful fate, Death by Wubbie, I hope you can relate, They're packaged by volume and by weight... And every day is a freshness date. As soon as I could without seeming rude, I escaped those helpful folk, And went looking for standard Renaissance food Like nachos, pizza, and Coke. I got a couple of Scottish eggs, And one of those roasted turkey legs, And a cup of coffee well past the dregs... When the wench took my money, her eyes flashed green And she bellowed "Twenty pounds for the queen!" And she grabbed my hair and did something obscene... I'm feeling a bit defensive. Death by Wubbie, where everyone can see, Death by Wubbie, thanks for the mammary, And it's not the cocker spaniel on MTV... Though, right now, that sounds better to me. When I was a horny teenaged boy I never guessed one day The idea of cleavage shoved in my face Would make me run away Two sweaty fleshy sacks of milk With my head caught between And it doesn't help that my girlfriend thinks It's the funniest thing she's seen. The folks at the RenFaire sing and dance and do their clever bits, Getting paid to embarrass their audience And sometimes they use innuendo. From the Jousting Field to the Wenches' Well, From the Blacksmith's Forge to the Children's Dell, I was trapped in a very special hell.... Where big-breasted women in smelly robes Trap my face against their heaving globes They're turning me into a RenFaire-phobe.... But Disney World's too expensive. Death by wubbie, I never will escape, Death by wubbie, I can only gape, If I did it to them, they'd be screaming rape... And my girlfriend got it on video tape.
4.
I got myself a new music file, A song I've wanted for quite a while, I load it into my computer's player, Then proceed to tear out my hair. 'Cause the file don't want to load, And then it asks for an access code, Something 'bout digital management rights, What's with all these blinking lights? I can't get, no, I can't get, Can't get the file to play, I can't get, no, I can't get, Can't get the file to play. I just want to hear the stupid song, Maybe the (INSERT TECH) went wrong, Or am I missing (YOUR TECH NAMED HERE), I thought I upgraded just last year. I found a program, its web page swore It'd play everything and more, But I let loose an abhorrent scream, I couldn't get a Bittorrent stream, I can't get, no, I can't get, (Windows media couldn't be greedier) Can't get the file to play-ay, (Quicktime is slow today) I can't get, no, I can't get, I (And Music Match has only one catch, it) Can't get the file to play. I can't get, no, I can't get, I (Winamp's a wimp and Real Player simply) Can't get the file to play-ay, (locks up and fades away) I can't get, no, I can't get, I (Wanted to Shoutcast, iTuned it out) Can't get the file to play. They say the definition of insanity, Is repeating actions thinking they'll end differently. I must not have a player program worth its salt, 'Cause there's no chance it might be the file's fault. I spent two days on the Internet, Downloading every codec I could get, Thirty-seven DivX versions, all unique, File types that won't exist until next week. A hundred reboots later, I'm done, 'Cause nothing helps the damn thing run, You know, it just makes me want to scream, I only want to hear the Spongebob theme. I can't get, can't get, Can't get the file to play-ay, I can't get, no, I can't get, I can't get the file to play. Then came a day when I found some smut, The best file description ever, but, Every single time I tried, I got a blue screen and a kitten died. I got the file but it took a week, I hit the play button and I freaked, Instead of Sluts Gone Wild 7, It's a Portuguese episode of Seventh Heaven. I can't get, can't get, (I feel the hate of using Creative) Can't get the file to play-ay, (Roxio, go away) I can't get, no, I can't get, I (And Quintessential makes me go mental) Can't get the file to play. No, no, I Can't get, no, I can't get, (Ace is disgraceful, Core is a bore) Can't get the file to play-ay, (And Media Monkey is gay) I can't get, no, I can't get, I (I lost my temper, working with MPlayer) Can't get the file to play.
5.
I was tall I was great And my fall has been disturbing as of late Now I'm bent Now I'm broke And they speak of me as if I were a joke I was cold I was strong I was feared as if the work I do was wrong Now I'm old Now I'm gray Now I find I miss the distant light of day In my prime, I stole the spring from the summer, In my time, I passed judgment with a will But barbarians threw down my temples, And they keep on doing it still. I was Death Dark and proud Hardly ever speaking, never speaking loud, I was Lord, It was true, I received the mortals' tribute as my due. I was blind I was vain I stood by and watched our influence wane Now we're dust Now we're bones Living only as the names of cosmic stones. A god's life depends on his worship, Without worship, there can be no god, And although my time is long ended, I still am remembered -- how odd. Though I'm shrunk I have power And not one of you can name my final hour Without warmth, Without friend, Without anything, just waiting for the end. I've no fight, No great cause, I've no fantasy I'll be what I once was, Still I rule Acheron, People look at me and wonder what's beyond And as long as you keep looking... I'll go on.
6.
Mythical Frederick doesn't exist. That's why he's got me so bloody pissed. Clogged up the drain of my shower with hair, I can't complain 'cause Frederick's not there. Mythical Frederick ate all the jam, Bought the wrong bread and bought the wrong ham. I get so mad when things don't go right, 'Cause Mythical Frederick's nowhere in sight. Frederick locked my keys in my car, Got me in fights with toughs at the bar, You've no idea what trouble I'm in, From my imaginary evil twin. Mythical Frederick skimps when he tips, He kissed the vicar full on the lips, I can't explain 'cause no one can see Mythical Frederick did it, not me. People believe in Santa, it's true, The Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy too Kids make up friends, so why can't you see I've got a made-up arch-enemy? Frederick got me fired from my job, Brainwashed my girl to think I'm a slob, I'll go insane 'cause Frederick, the louse, Canceled the payments on my phone and house. Out in the street, half-froze in the snow, One act of vengeance before I go I'll do him in, but he won't be missed, Mythical Frederick doesn't exist.
7.
No one knows from whence she came, How she got here, what's her name, All they know is the trail of dead star systems in her wake. Terrible and beautiful, Implacable and dutiful to All the worlds she fills with dread, The lives she has to take. It's a mystery why she must wipe out the stars above, But it don't matter to me, just As long as we're in love! My baby is the destroyer of worlds, She's a very special girl, The terror of the galaxy, and that's why she's the girl for me -- My baby is the destroyer of worlds. Jack Kirby did her clothes design, That hot magenta chrome's so fine. Those big dramatic poses when she Walks in through the door. From other beings she stands apart, But I was keen to win her heart. She don't like chocolate or roses, but she Sure loved Rigel Four. Nothing sets her eyes aglow like Leeching planets dry And nothing means as much as knowing I'm her lovin' guy. My baby is the destroyer of worlds, Just watch her sensor probes unfurl, I love to see her smiling face when she devours an alien race -- My baby is the destroyer of worlds. Some people think she's just a fable She drank Galactus and Phoenix under the table Some wonder why she keeps me around It has to do with humans being maddening yet profound. And so we roam the universe 'Cause it's her calling and her curse Finding worlds that teem with life, and Leaving cold debris. And even though she must consume Whole planets to avoid her doom, I know someday she'll be my wife, and She'll belong to me. To her, I may be just a mote, but Every once in awhile As billions scream as from one throat, she'll Flash our secret smile. My baby is the destroyer of worlds, And I'm so glad that she's my girl, The scourge of all reality, she'll always be the girl for me -- My baby is the destroyer of worlds.
8.
Ye've read the Harry Potter books, ye think ye know 'em through But there's something that ye may not know, and here's a little clue: The female of the Trio has her birthday on Talk Like A Pirate Day so heads up, Harry and Ron! When she found out, her eyes she rolled, an' she went on knittin' socks, But Harry said, "I've got the gold, let's head down to the docks," They traded lots o' Galleons for a lovely brigantine, And now they're her young stallions and she's a pirate queen! Come here, ye lads and lasses, I tell ye, she's the one, Give a cheer and raise yer glasses, but not till class is done Though she's only seventeen, she's smarter than Dumbledore, Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor! Her white shirt and black leather they complement her eyes, A red sash brings it t'gether (and the boots half up her thighs) Cap'n Hook's a fan and Jack Sparrow thinks it's great, It's in the books, it's canon, so let's all celebrate! Hoist the mainsil', wind the capstan, give it all ye got, The firewhiskey and th' captain both are really hot, Here's a Happy Birthday to the girl that we adore, Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor! She taxidermied Pettigrew, and on the bridge he sat, 'Cause after all, what pirate ship doesn't have a rat? She Incarcerous'd young Malfoy so he could not escape, And one Petrificus later, she made him walk the Snape. Dolohov she'll finish off, and Bellatrix she'll foil, Lucius'll land in Azkaban and likewise Crabbe and Goyle, She laughs at danger, thinks it's keen -- bring on Voldemor -- TT! Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor! Now here's the part we talk about with whom she's lockin' lips, 'Cause after all, a pirate queen has got to have her 'ships, Some say Harry's her true love, or Ron she will betroth, She finally cried, "I can't decide, I'll have to have 'em both!" Who's the sassy bossy witch that all the boys pursue? Grander than the Golden Snitch and more elusive too. One may Seeker, one may Keeper, both know how to score, with Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor! And so the Seven Seas she sails, in deadly hot pursuit of getting perfect O.W.L.s and aceing every N.E.W.T. Some think she's just a bookworm, but I am here ta say She's got this pirate thing down cold every natal day. Come here, ye lads and lasses, I tell ye, she's the one, Give a cheer and raise yer glasses, but not till class is done She'll go down in history, the one we're singin' for, Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor! Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!
9.
Hey, Waterboardin'! Hey, Waterboardin'! We've got a lot goin' on in the Middle East An illegal invasion, one more planned, at least Homeland Security is a joke The War on Terror's gonna leave us broke The country's headed down the road to ruin, But let's go do what all the kids are doin', Waterboardin'! So Grab your boards and come on 'round, Grab the nearest guy that's brown, Tie him up and hose him down, We're gonna make him think he'll drown, It used to be inhuman and cruel, But the Attorney General says it's really cool, Waterboardin'! They're waxin' up the boards out at Abu Ghraib (Hey, Waterboardin'!) And Guantanamo Bay is gonna catch the wave (Hey, Waterboardin'!) There's other places I could tell you about (Hey, Waterboardin'!) But the Boarder In Chief won't let the secret out (Hey, Waterboardin'!) It's not like that many people are dying, Imagine if we were REALLY trying, Waterboardin'! So Raise his feet up above his head Put a towel on his face, cover up the dread Pour water on it till he thinks he's dead And be sure to write down anything he said He'll say what you want, but that only shows You were right in your suspicion 'bout what he knows, Waterboardin'! Now the detainees are really scum, Bush said "Bring it on", and they had to come, We'll never understand why they're so mean But we sure know how to make them come clean! They hate our freedoms, well, that's okay (Hey, Waterboardin'!) 'Cause we weren't gonna give 'em to 'em anyway (Hey, Waterboardin'!) Don't let the apologists make a fuss (Hey, Waterboardin'!) 'Cause the terrorists wouldn't dare do it to us. (Hey, Waterboardin'!) Let's make the detainees feel involved, And if they really drown, well, problem solved, Who cares if Democracy is dissolved, Waterboardin'! So We'll take away your rights in the name of fear You'll forget about it within a year You know it can never happen here Unless we think you're liberal, Muslim, or queer You've nothing to worry 'bout unless you've tried To make a phone call or take an airplane ride, Or if we think there's a place we can safely hide Waterboardin'! America's finally come undone, Looks like the terrorists finally won, And the biggest is the son of Forty-One, Waterboardin'!
10.
Heads I win, tails you lose Let's flip a coin and we'll let fate choose This one here, that one there Splitting an atom, splitting a hair If I don't cross the street I don't get mud on my shoes and feet If I take a taxi, thus, I don't get hit by a crosstown bus We are our acts and memories, What we think and do, So am I being revisionist When I try something new? If we kiss, will I get slapped? Can there be bliss if my lips are chapped? If you're male, do I like boys? I change my life with every choice. If I choose while alone Am I the same as if it were known? if I don't choose again Am I who I was way back when? There are two possibilities To everything we do We're in one dimension that's linear or creating one that's new It's an expanding universe that had better be true Each choice multiplies the potential universes by two (or three or....) Heads I don't, tails I do Worlds stretching out far as I can view I just might go insane Keeping them right inside my brain All of my might-have-beens Altruism and mortal sins I can't keep up this load Live for today or my head'll explode I can't change what has happened, I can't predict what will, And so it seems my best choice Is staying perfectly still All around... Life goes on... There comes a choice, now it's here and gone... Once again... I don't move... Wondering what I'm trying to prove... Have I now... ceased to be?... If I do nothing, I'm not me... So the world... I'll rejoin... Wait, maybe not -- let me flip a coin.
11.
Lars strong, Lars free, Lars brave -- Lars ME, Lars big, Lars tough, But that not enough. Lars lonely, want girl, Lars search whole wide world, Want blond, brunette, Redhead -- Heck! Whole set. Lars needs women. When Lars young thing Won war, Lars King Lars think Lars win But Lars' troubles begin All day make law, Balance budget, flap jaw "Hem-Hem"s, "Tut-Tut"s, It drive Lars NUTS, Lars needs weekend. One night, Lars sneak Out gate, down creek Look up at stars Being king not Lars So Lars leave throne, Go off on Lars' own, Crown jewels, took some -- Lars slow, not dumb. Lars needs somethin'. Might be women. One day, Lars stroll, See girl fight troll. Troll huge, troll vile, But girl just smile. Strong arms, strong back, Pull sword, took whack, Troll down, girl hack, Lars think, "Nice rack" -- Lars needs woman. Lars say great strike! Girl cute, Lars like, Girl shy, girl coy, Girl girl, Lars boy, Lars get girl hitched, Settle down, scratch itch, Lars' heart girl tame -- Should learn girl's name, Lars needs women, Lars needs women, Lars needs women!
12.
Coulrophobia 04:17
It's that time of year, for fun and for fear, For dressing as ghosts and ghouls, Kids go down the street, they yell "Trick or Treat", And they follow these simple rules. Don't take any candy that smells like cheap brandy, Open manholes, don't crawl down, But the thing to do first is beware of the worst -- Too late! Look out -- it's clowns. Nobody knows where they came from, Or how long or why they're in town, No, all that we know is they're here, they won't go, And they seem to be all around, Scary clowns. With whiteface, bulb noses, and cute squirt-gun roses And clothing that Sears doesn't sell. They remind us what's good about our childhood, If we lived in Kabuki Hell. Their fluorescent shaped hair makes Anime fans stare And those big floppy shoes really fit Whether feathered or furry, there's no need to worry -- Say, is that not Tim Curry from It? They can pack thirty-five in a clown car, So they've no trouble under your bed, Ignore that noise 'cause it's not clowns in your closets, Waiting for you to lay down your head, Scary clowns. Don't think of those painted-on teardrops -- Couldn't be they're unable to cry. Don't think of the reasons they always wear gloves, Don't think about what's in that pie. Instead, Think of the ones who would blow up balloons, In the shape of a dog or giraffe. Yes, remember the fun, not those freakish buffoons, And for God's sake don't think of that laugh.... It's that time of year, when the clowns are all near, Rather closer, in fact, than I like, Always there with a gag from a big trick-filled bag, Always waiting and ready to strike. Now, to tell you the truth, there's not one shred of proof That they really mean anyone ill So you shouldn't assume that they've got that push-broom To clean up the mess from their kill. They're jolly good fun entertainers, They're prolly just clowning around, But watch for that sly little gleam in their eye, As you get on the merry-go-round, No, you've nothing to fear when the circus is here, At least till the sun goes down, Scary clowns. Scary clowns.
13.
Welcome, friends! Welcome once again to the Atheist/Agnostic/Humanist/Realist Olde-Time Down-Home Gospel Hour! My friends, I am here to bring to you the GOOD NEWS! The GOOD NEWS! That this is a beautiful and dangerous and mysterious world we live in! That there's a lot we don't know! A lot we may NEVER know! There may be a heaven! There may be a hell! There may be a devil! There may be a GOD! But there ain't no PROOF. No hard-core science! No Road Map of the Stars to the Pearly Gates! No interview with Gabriel in Hot Archangels Monthly! We've got to take it all on faith! And that's a little difficult for some of us! You hear about free will! You hear about making your own choice! And you'd like just a little bit o' proof. And at some point, you realize there may not be no proof a-comin'. And at that point, you realize There may NOT be a heaven! There may NOT be a hell! There may NOT be a Devil! There may NOT BE A GOD! And you say to yourself, well, what am I doin' here? If there ain't a god, what am I doin' here? What is my purpose in life? And I am here to tell you that your purpose in life Is EXACTLY THE SAME either way! If there's a God, your purpose is to LIVE! To help people! To make the world a better place! And if there's NOT a God... Your purpose is to LIVE! To help people! To make the world a better place! Now, I know that some of you out there want there to be a God for a very different reason. Because you feel alone. Because without God, it's a big, bad, scary, random universe out there. Let me tell you right now, it's a big, bad, scary, random universe out there WITH God! Bad stuff happens. Good stuff happens. Stuff happens! If it doesn't happen, you're DEAD! But here's the important part: You are not alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You've got a family of SIX BILLION right here with you. You think they don't know your troubles? You think they don't know your heart? They know yours as well as they know their own. You think the world ain't a scary place for them? It's a scary place for everybody! But it's also a fantastically beautiful place! And it's the only place we know for sure we've got. So it is our DUTY, our PURPOSE IN LIFE, our REASON TO BE, to make this the BEST OF ALL POSSIBLE WORLDS! Lemme tell ya!
14.
God made the world, so they say, And he did it in only seven days, But they can't tell you if those days were short... or... long, And they think their God is threatened if the dates... are... wrong. God made Adam, God made Eve, Kicked 'em out of Eden 'cause they were deceived (hiss that snake), They had children, one was good... one... scum, Cain killed Abel, then got married -- where'd his wife... come... from? There's all those little problems where the story doesn't jibe, If God created all of us, why single out one tribe? Why weren't there any dinosaurs on Noah's floating zoo? Why tell us all these fairy tales when we've got stuff to do? We've got the world (we've got the world), the here and now (the here and now), Things happen, it's only natural to ask how (ask... how) But there's no reason to trust mytho...lo...gy, The world right here and now's enough for me. God made Commandments, God made rules, God said "to build a better life, these are the tools", He said the first four... are to wor...ship... me, If you don't, you will be tortured for eter...ni...ty. But what if this world is all there is, What if, when you die, there ain't no final quiz, No hell or heaven? Well, that's all right... with... me... We'll make it heaven here on earth, just wait... and... see. Why punish us forever for an arbitrary rule? Why set us up for failure? Does God have to be so cruel? Why give us all these instincts for committing mortal sins? Why give us all these ways to lose before the game begins? We've got the world (we've got the world), the here and now (the here and now), There may be nothing, al-Akhirah, or the Tao (eternal Tao) But I've got present responsibi...li...ty, The world right here and now's enough for me. We've got the world (we've got the world), the here and now (the here and now), And you know we're gonna make it somehow (some... how) But I ain't countin' on eter...ni...ty, The world right here and now's enough for me. There may be God, and there may not The world we're livin' in might just be all we've got That ain't no problem, 'cause, whether spawned... or... made, The only way to live is not to be... a...fraid. We've got our minds, we've got our hearts, We've got our souls and they're the most important parts, We don't need threatenin' to tell what's right... from... wrong Just mind your business, clean things up, and get a... long. The world is filled with wonderment and beauty near and far, And trying to understand it is just being who we are, If there's a God, he told us that the world he made was ours, We're almost done exploring here, the next stop is the stars. We've got the world (we've got the world), the here and now (the here and now), And we're gonna reach the heavens somehow (some... how) It's up to us to fulfill our des...ti...ny, The world right here and now's enough for me (enough for me). We've got the world (we've got the world), the here and now (the here and now), And you know we're gonna make it somehow (some... how) Find God within you -- the rest comes na...tura...lly, The world right here and now's enough for me. I say, the world right here and now's enough for me. That's right, the world right here and now's enough for me. Ohhhhh... yeahhhh!

about

Songs written and recorded August-October 2006

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released October 26, 2006

Special Thanks to:
Anne Schneider
Leslie Larkins
Jonathan Coulton

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Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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