In Concert: MarCon 2013

by Tom Smith

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about

Super Special Concert Album featuring the amazing TOYBOAT backing me up on "Rocket Ride"! Sorry, you can't download that track by itself -- but the minimum price for the album is free, so you might as well get the whole thing anyway, right? Right.

Besides, it's MarCon. I always have a good show there. I've been going to this convention since 1985, and I'm friends with many of the attendees. This was a pretty typical show: silly songs, banter, relaxed and fun. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

credits

released August 20, 2013

Recorded at MarCon, Columbus, OH, March 30, 2013
Recording engineer: Mark Peters

Special thanks to Roberta Slocum, Kathy Hamilton,
and the staff and attendees of MarCon 2013
marcon.org

Extra special thanks to the members of Toyboat:
Daniel "Gundo" Gunderson
Cathy McManamon
Jason Neerenberg
Mike Nixon
David "Raven" Stowell
toyboatband.com

Cover Art: Lar deSouza
lartist.com

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about

Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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Track Name: Smash the Frickin' Fairies
There's a fairy grove in my back yard,
I found it just last night.
And the fairies come to have some fun
In the silvery moonlight
They're lovelier than anything
That you have ever seen
And when you smash them with a brick
Their blood's all thick and green.

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Bash 'em in the head.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Giggly sparkly fairies,
Dumbass tiny fairies,
Make them suckers dead.

Stupid little fairies
Come to dance and sing,
Hang 'em from my nipples,
Now they're fairy bling.
Tiny little wingspan,
See how cute they are,
Press 'em in a phone book,
Tape 'em to my car.

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Tacky goofy fairies,
Cutesy Wootsy fairies,
I don't wanna stop.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Tinkly stinkly fairies,
Poopy stoopy fairies,
Squeeze 'em till they pop.

Who cares about their ancient magic,
Who cares about their hidden lore,
I just like the way they go stiff then go limp
When you catch their heads in a door.

Who cares about their timeless beauty
Who cares if their existence is a shock
I took pictures of them posed with my Dominatrix Barbie
And my eBay shop can't keep 'em in stock

Some people see the fairies and
Their hearts and souls are moved,
I tie them to bowling pins,
My average has improved.
Fishing isn't boring since I
Use them now for bait,
They're also good as shredded cheese,
Their life is really grate.

The fairies joined together
Came to each other's aid
Too bad I had a shotgun
And a big ol' can of Raid
So now they're really frightened,
They're sad and mad and vexed,
And when I take the fairies down
The Hobbits all are next!

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Dainty pretty fairies,
Gaudy bawdy fairies,
Crush them under trains.
Anvil at the ready,
Drop it on their head-ee,
Bring in some undead-ee,
ZOMBIE FAIRY BRAINS!

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Stupid cutesy fairies,
Icky nasty fairies,
Bust their little heads.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Fill their cemetaries,
Then I woke up, Doctor,
Can you please adjust my meds?
Track Name: Hee-Haw-Field Earth
You used to be Vinnie, Vinnie Barbarino.
You Greased up your hair, and sang "Summer Nights",
Saturday Night Fever made you a dancer,
And then from the public you dropped out of sight.

You did plastic bubbles, you looked at Who's Talking?
And for twenty years you did nothing of worth,
But Pulp Fiction, Face/Off, and Primary Colors
Revived you -- so you could make Battlefield Earth.

Where, oh, where are you tonight?
Why don't your agent call on the phone?
You searched the world over for profoundness and truth, but
You met the "Hubbards" and PTHBBPT! You was gone.
Track Name: Rorschach, I Love You
Saw a dog carcass in the alley this morning,
Tire tread on burst stomach...
Thought of you,
The sewers clot with blood from the corruption
And human filth, but I'm not...
Feeling blue.
Some people ask, "Who watches the Watchmen?"
Well, watching you was all I had to do
In your face I can see me -- well, psychologically,
Rorschach, I love you.

I never thought I'd find someone who understands so well
Just how cruel... life can be.
Who will drop the commie liberals down elevator shafts
With their heroin and child pornography.
The whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"
And you will whisper "No",
And that simple vicious thought gets me so darn frickin' hot,
Rorschach, I love you so.

You're a reflection of society,
All the passion that we can feel
How I love your sense of justice
And your trench-coated buns of steel.

They say they'll get you someday, you're a crazy outlaw mask,
But it's me... who's been caught.
They'll never understand, and I hope someday you'll ask
Me to score... your inkblot.
And even if we're facing Armageddon,
It doesn't matter what they do,
Atom bomb or giant squid, here's looking at you, kid,
Rorschach, I'll always love you.
I knew it from the start, you've grappling-gunned my heart,
Rorschach, I love you.
Track Name: Avengers' Picnic
If you go out in the woods today, you'd better not go alone -
I wouldn't go out in the woods today, it's safer to stay at home -
For every superhero there was will pound on Loki simply because
Today's the day we're going to see Avengers!

The Tesseract or Cosmic Cube, it never will be enough,
'Cause Steve's naive but not a rube, and Iron Man's really tough,
The Widow's clever, Hawkeye is brash,
Thor's lived forever, Hulk will just smash --
Today's the day we're going to see Avengers!

Popcorn time for Avengers,
The mighty Avengers assemble for everyone today,
Watch them fighting aliens,
Defending Manhattan in a most destructive way,
Bashing giant silverfish,
Designed by Giger when he's drunk on Tullamore Dew,
We've never seen such an amazing superhero film before,
Nor will we again till Avengers 2!
So...

If you go out to the movie show, be bolder and do not yield,
Just armor up, and ready your bow, Mjolnir and mighty shield,
And just before you're ready to go, have Natasha stomp on Bruce Banner's toe,
And run like heck to the multiplex,
We all will scream, they brought us the dream,
They're buff, they're ripped, they had a good script,
All thanks to Joss, the movie is boss,
Maria Hill, her jumpsuit she'll fill,
With Samuel L. and Coulson -- oh, well,
It's better than mere mortals could ken,
And look! There's Thanos right at the end,
And when we're done, for shawarma we'll run,
And talk for hours how it was such fun,
Today's the day we're going to see Avengers!
Track Name: Coulson Lives
Coulson Lives!
That’s the Avengers fangirls’ song,
Coulson lives,
Even Whedon got it wrong,
Loki stabbed him through the chest with that big knife,
But somehow it managed not to take his life.

Coulson lives,
SHIELD’s medics were in time,
Coulson lives,
If they weren’t, t’would be a crime,
It turned out that Loki only stabbed a Coulson LMD,
Doing roughly the same damage as an arrow in the knee,
Plus he’s routing WiFi right through Loki’s shiv,
Coulson lives!

Coulson lives!
That’s the fangirls’ solemn creed,
Coulson lives,
For his presence there’s much need,
Captain Rogers must sign Phil’s trading card stash,
Not to mention all that Barton/Coulson slash.

Loki was pwned,
All he impaled was thin air,
Phil was cloned,
Or he wasn’t even there,
He’s in Portland with that cellist, or in Bangkok or Beirut,
He’s like Carmen San Diego with a better looking suit
We could throw him off a hundred thousand cliffs,
Coulson lives!

Coulson lives,
He was gone but he’s returned,
He was fragged,
But another life he’s earned,
Reincarnated, or brain stored in a jar,
Or his voice will play through Tony Stark’s new car,

He’ll come back, as Grey Phoenix one fine dawn,
Or as SHIELD’s top-ranked Zombie liaison,
Maybe he rules some dimension filled with fantasy cliches.
Hey, Galactus goes through heralds like Pete Parker through Aunt Mays
So if you see all that fic and say, “What gives?”
Coulson lives!
Track Name: Hyperspace Cryogenic Insomnia Blues
Here I am in hypersleep
Awaiting my awakening,
I'm travelling near the speed of light
To our new colony,
Except I'm trying to figure out
How come I'm still awake when they
Assured me I would be unconscious --
Oh well, must be me.

Maybe I should think about
My S.O. in the next tube over,
How we're gonna celebrate
The day we finally land
Well, actually, that night or maybe
Later 'cause we'll be unpacking
I'll think about that later,
When I can move my hand.

Wish I had a bedtime story
I could read to make me sleep,
One of the Harry Potter books,
Or maybe Dr. Suess
I do not like green eggs and ham,
I do not like them Sam I am,
I do not like them with a goat,
Or a majestic moose.

Mind you, a moose once bit my sister.
How horribly she was attacked,
Moose bites can be pretty nasty
Those responsible have been sacked.

Hey there, NASA, have you heard the news?
I'm awake in my deep freeze, thinkin' bout a stupid moose,
I've got the hyperspace cryogenic insomnia blues.

Hum hum hum hum hm hum hum hum,
Hum hm hum hum hummmm hm hum,
Menahmenah dee dee de dee dee
Menahmenah dee dee de dee
Menahmenah dee dee de dee dee

It's a small world after all,
That's why we left that mudball,
Hypersleeping in free fall
To a new world after all.

Menahmenah dee dee de dee dee
Menahmenah dee dee de dee

Wish I had some NyQuil here,
Or maybe just a keg of beer,
Or my S.O. in something sheer,
Or Salma Hayek, what a rear....

Baby got back,
Baby got back,
Baby got back....

I'm back to the future again,
I hope I'll sleep but I don't know when,
Of course if I wake up too soon,
It's cause we hit some alien moon --
I'm crashed in the spaceship again.

Menahmenah dee dee de dee dee
Menahmenah dee dee de dee

Oh good, I see a status light,
To tell me where we are in flight
We're two weeks out of Terran orbit,
Ten years left to go....

Lesser men would go insane,
But I'm the one who runs this brain --
Don't have to work and not in pain,
I'll be just fine, I know.

Please God, I beg you, let me die,
The solitude is more than I
Can handle for ten minutes,
Let alone a whole decade.

There's no one there to set me free,
And worse than this captivity:
My sweetie's sleeping next to me
And we cannot get laid!

I need you, more than anyone darlin',
But right now I can't even weep,
So suck it up, buttercup -- go back to sleep.


Menahmenah dee dee de dee dee
Menahmenah dee dee de dee....
Track Name: Alternate Universe Lost And Found
When you open up the drier and half your socks are gone,
When the cell phone's not on the table you put it on,
You're not sure what, but something has gone wrong.

When the TV remote has simply disappeared,
When the twenty you had in your wallet's been commandeered,
Where can you turn to when stuff starts getting weird?

It's the Alternate Universe Lost & Found,
That's the place you oughta go,
When you're looking for things no longer around,
They're the ones who oughta know,
When the fizz in your soda has all gone flat,
When you can't find your glasses, the keys or the cat,
The Alternate Universe Lost & Found is here.

When the kids find a cupboard that leads to a whole new place,
When you've gotta deliver a pizza 'cross time and space,
When you're in New York City and you want some salsa by Pace.

When your evil twin murders and you end up doing the time,
When you fall through a wormhole to Chiron Beta Prime,
When you wake to a world where Mel Blanc was a famous mime.

It's the Alternate Universe Lost & Found,
Better give 'em a call tonight,
When reality's springs have come unwound,
They're the ones who get 'em tight,
When the Mongol Hordes are invading your den,
Or the aliens want to probe you again,
The Alternate Universe Lost & Found is here.

We got smooth transitions between dimensions
So you can enjoy the ride,
We can fix the most futuristic inventions,
We do our jobs with pride,
We got Wacky Wafers and Black Jack Gum,
Tootsie Pop Drops and Fizzies too,
Major Matt Mason and Mrs. Beasley
Are all waiting here for you!

When you miss the innocent youth you used to be,
When you make a mistake and want back your virginity,
We can do it all, for only a modest fee.

When the world you live in isn't the world you want,
When you're tired of the rat race and want a relaxing jaunt,
Let down your guard, and we'll make your garde avant.

It's the Alternate Universe Lost & Found
Stop in for a free brouchure,
If you're Oz, Barsoom, or Wonderland bound,
Come schedule a guided tour,
If you feel like you got the short end of the stick,
The next world over might do the trick,
All kinds o' fantasies, small and large,
Happy endings, no extra charge,
If you can't make your dreams come true,
Just give us a call, we're here for you
The Alternate Universe Lost & Found is here.
Track Name: Hong Kong Denver
You beat up my sensei,
So I have to avenge him,
You dishonored my temple,
My clan and my kin.

You messed with my sister,
You dissed her, you kissed her,
You'd fill me with anger,
Except I am Shaolin.

Come get some, sucker,
Let me take your life from you,
Let me teach of nonviolence
With a boot to the head.

I'll be calm and collected
As, by me, you're dissected,
Hear me preach inner quiet,
Oh, you can't, 'cause you're dead.

Every movie is just like
All the movies before it,
And we stack up the bodies
Like piles of wood.

Let me lay down my teachings...
Let's commence with the beatings,
You beat up my sensei,
Come kill me if you can.
Track Name: Illuminati Polka
Willkommen to Bavaria! Everybody DANCE!

You've heard that everyone is six degrees from Kevin Bacon,
But do you know the Six Degrees of Grand Exalted Mason?
For everyone and everything has around it curled
The tentacles of the Secret Masters who control the world.

(chorus)
I rule you, you rule me, someone rules us secretly,
It's a vast conspiracy, the Illuminati Polka!

For several thousand years now, they've worked behind the scenes,
They laugh when we buy Dockers -- we've all got designer genes!
They know if you'll get the girl or pass the S.A.T.,
It's kinda like The Truman Show combined with D&D.

(chorus)

Everybody's bank account is serviced by the Gnomes,
The Masonic Temple gets the mortgage payment for your homes,
Commander Weisshaupt keeps Saddam from being killed too soon,
While Crowley and Blavatsky run Wall Street from the moon.

(chorus)

The Media say "Everything is awful but it's okay",
It turns out that Fox Mulder is really Keyser Soze,
If Men In Black are in your tub, or birds consult your cat,
Duck your head, try not to think, and wear this tinfoil hat.

(chorus)

The entertainment industry just got the Atom Bomb,
Dick Cheney and Al Qaeda run Enron with your mom (dot com),
Your DNA's on CD-R, so heads up, P.D.Q.,
You may not have a hope in hell, but at least you've got a clue.

(chorus)

Fnord!
Track Name: Could It Be Shplove
Everyone sings romantic songs,
You know what I'm speakin' of,
They all sound the same, because besides the girl's name,
The lines have to rhyme with "love".

That doesn't leave too many options
Half a dozen words tops, and they're gone,
So it thoroughly rocks that there's lint from your socks
But not the socks you've got on

Could it be "Shplove"?
(Yes it could, it's all right, it's all good)
Wonderful "shplove",
(Filling my heart, between my toes, good place to start)
I can write a song without mentioning the perfect skies above,
Because now, at last, I know... it could be "shplove".

There's "dove", which is pretty romantic,
"Like a hand in a glove", which is sweet,
There's "shove", only good for break-up songs,
And "foxglove", kind of a cheat.

More songs have been written about love
Than all other songs that there be,
After all this time, shouldn't more words rhyme,
Well, I guess that it's up to me.

Could it be "gruhve",
(The Grandpa noise made while picking up Grandson's toys)
Beautiful "thpruve",
(The grand display, your spit-take after tasting Ocean Spray)
So many possibilities to take advantage of,
It doesn't have to end here, it could be "shplove".

"Zuv", the single hair that grows back, messing up your tan,
"Cruhve", the dead corn muffin mix that's baked into the pan,
"Bluhve", what's left of truck tires that have shredded in the street.
Come on, songwriters, get to work, the world is at your feet.

Could it be "k'shkuhve",
(The sweet perfume of your new Klingon costume)
Beautiful "fthuhve",
(When you kill the boss on Level 12 with awesome sauce)
I've so many ways to sing to you how much we are in love...
Because now, at last, I know...
It could be "grduhve" (the macho smile you fake so no one knows you're hurt)
It could be "shmuhve" (the drop of chili that just ruined your new shirt)
It could be "kwuhve" (the guy in front of you standing up the whole concert)
It could be... shplove.
Track Name: I Had A Shoggoth
I had a shoggoth, he pleased me,
But drove me to insanity.
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a minion, he pleased me,
Got victims for my laboratory.
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a zombie, he pleased me,
With his decaying anatomy.
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a werewolf, he pleased me,
Devoured every cat he'd see.
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a mummy, he pleased me,
And taught me Egyptology.
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went ABBY SOMEBODY
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a hunchback, he pleased me,
Got Esmerelda sanctuary.
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a vampire, he pleased me,
But at my parties he wouldn't drink... tea.
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMM... DONUTS
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went IT'S STILL WARM
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had an Old One, he pleased me,
In R'lyeh sunk beneath the sea.
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went RRUFF RRUFF
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a cylon, he pleased me,
But then he turned into a she.
Cylon went BY YOUR COMMAND
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT, SHUT UP!
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went CHEETOS
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a Dalek, he pleased me,
But stairs would make him really cranky.
Dalek went EXTERMINATE
Cylon went BY YOUR COMMAND
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HERE KITTY KITTY
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went NOT THE RED ONE!
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a Sith Lord, he pleased me,
But I hated his prequel trilogy.
Vader went KHSHHHHH-HHHOSHHHHH
Dalek went EXTERMINATE
Cylon went DOES THIS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a Dark Lord, he pleased me,
But he couldn't beat Harry and Hermione.
Voldemort went HERMIONE AND RON!?
Vader went BLACK GOES WITH EVERYTHING
Dalek went IT IS NOT A TOILET PLUNGER
Cylon went I FEEL PRETTY
Cthulhu went PFAGH! Calimari....
Vampire went TWELVE BEAUTIFUL VERSES
Hunchback went CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
Mummy went I AM STUCK ON BAND-AIDS, 'CAUSE BAND-AIDS STUCK ON ME
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL ME OF LONDON
Zombie went NOT EAT EYES
Minion went WHAT HUMP?
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had Galactus, he pleased me,
But he ate my planet casually.
Galactus went CHOMP.
Track Name: The Cthulhu Colada Song
I was tired of my lady,
Other people as well.
In fact, if I had the power,
I'd send them all to Hell.
So I traveled to Arkham,
Got a library card,
Took out a book on black magic
By Abdul Al-Azrhad.

IA CTHULHU FHTAGN
If you can say this refrain,
If you can look at the Old Ones
And still have half your brain,
If you like casting spells at midnight
Wearing only a cape,
Then your master's in R'lyeh,
Chant this spell, he'll escape.
Track Name: I Want To Be Peter Lorre
The curse of my existence is the "heroes" (or, if you like, just "movies") that I see,
And I can't do much for them not doing very much for me.
I can't identify with Magnum, P or I --
Schwarzenegger, Harrison Ford, and Michael Douglas leave me bored.

Mel Gibson is too rugged, Matthew Broderick's too cute,
Clint Eastwood is so cocky, I could punch him in the snoot.
No, I'll look back in time to a gentleman sublime,
Whose wit and style are seldom mentioned --
(in Lorre voice)
-- But never failed to attract attention!

When I grow up, I want to be Peter Lorre,
I want to snivel and sneer in a nasal whine.
I want to cring and curse, and maybe threaten worse --
(in Lorre Voice)
-- And if that doesn't work, I've got a laugh that'll petrify your spine!

Who wants to be a handsome, stuffy playboy?
Who wants to face the bad guys all alone?
The last thing that I need is to be a romantic lead,
I want to grow up to be Peter Lorre and steal the girl for my own!

When I grow up, I want to be Peter Lorre,
I'll tell Nemo where Kirk Douglas went to hide.
(in Lorre voice)
Now, I didn't mind old Kirk, but Ned Land was such a jerk,
And between a mad scientist and a jock, who would you want on your side?

I want to sell the Bird to Sydney Greenstreet,
I want to cheat with Vincent Price's wife,
And if I want more kicks, I'll make Mister Moto flicks,
I want to grow up to be Peter Lorre and have A Wonderful Life!
(in Lorre voice)
I could've starred in that, too!

(in Lorre voice)
When I grow up, I want to be Peter Lorre,
I'll stalk the streets of Dusseldorf and Pairee,
Waiting for some dame who has no sense of shame
To foolishly make that one mistake and hang around with me.

I want to whistle music from old operas
As I am slowly strangling some pre-teen,
I long for days gone by,
(in Lorre voice)
And that winking, blinking eye,
I want to grow up to be Peter Lorre,
You pretty boys are gonna be sorry,
I'll be the best Peter Lorre you've ever seen!
-- Is it too late to audition for "Gollum"?
Track Name: 307 Ale
There's many drinks you'll drink, me lads, on every world that's new.
There's Saurian Brandy, Cranapple Schnapps, and a good old Tullamore Don't.
There's Busch and Beck and Bud and Bock and others dark and pale,
But I think you'll find the finest kind is Three-Oh-Seven Ale.

(chorus)
Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads, Three-Oh-Seven Ale,
The finest drink that any bar has ever had for sale,
It'll lay your whole damn world to waste, it'll make you fit and hale,
There's nothing that you'll ever taste like Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads,
Three-Oh-Seven Ale.

It started out at M.I.T. one lazy summer day,
When a couple of the frat-boy techies started in to play,
They'd caught up on their schedule with a couple hours to kill,
So they fitted up the cyclotron and made themselves a still.

(chorus)

They added choice ingredients to brew a little brew,
But they didn't know the wires were crossed in Chamber Number Two.
A tiny bit of space got folded, things were looking queer --
They turned the spout and then came out the world's first Hyper-Beer.

(chorus)

It bubbled and it burbled and it glowed a fizzly green,
And what it did to test equipment, frankly, was obscene.
It took awhile to find a vial it wouldn't burst to flame,
Then they measured out its potency, and that's how it was named.

(slower)
There's many drinks you'll drink, me lads, but this one beats them all:
One hundred fifty-three and one-half percent alcohol,
A beer, brewed in a tesseract, that'll shoot you through the roof --
And if you don't believe me, I've got lots and lots of proof.

(final chorus)
Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads, Three-Oh-Seven Ale,
The finest drink that any bar has ever had for sale,
It'll lay your whole damn world to waste, it'll make you fit and hale,
It sticks to your mouth like library paste,
With a stronger kick than toxic waste,
There's nothing that you'll ever taste
Like Three-Oh-Seven Ale!
Track Name: Tom Smith and Toyboat - Rocket Ride
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide,
Nothing worth doing that I haven't tried.
There ain't no living on planet-side,
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.

How many cities crumble into dust
At the first atomic attack?
How many self-aware, wise, and just
Computers will we have to hack?

How many supercars will turn to rust
'Cause we don't have a spare or a jack?
Give me technology we can trust,
And give it fins like a Cadillac.

I want a shining tower of glass and steel,
A rubber jumpsuit and a freeze-dried meal,
The will to survive, the need to explore,
The love of adventure, who could ask for more?

I want you, baby, right by my side,
Help me get out before my brain is fried.
The stars are waiting, so big and wide,
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.

How many demons out in cyberspace
Will possess every hacker's will?
How many members of a master race
Will come closing in for the kill?

How many xenomorphs will change their face,
And then hunt us down for a thrill?
Give me a villain with style and grace,
And a little bit of fencing skill.

They used to be angular, sneering and bald,
If someone got killed even they were appalled,
They tried to marry the heroine, no thought of rape,
And they sure as hell knew how to wear a cape.

They never tortured, they never lied,
They'd honor a promise if it meant they died.
Let's find a villain with professional pride,
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.

Terminators, Life Force, Robot Jox, Predators,
Lots of things that know how to flense,
Defenestrate 'em out the doors, gimme gimme Star Wars,
Bring back the Children of the Lens.

Puppet Master, Child's Play, Fright Night, Judgment Day,
Jason, Freddy, Michael, and Stripe,
Let Frankenstein, Ardeth Bey, and Kong chase them all away,
The Movie Snatchers' pods are overripe.

I want more than action and special effects,
To think about what might happen next,
A hero, not a weapons shop with pecs,
A heroine, not an excuse for sex.

I want a bubble helmet matting down my hair,
The ground giving way to the open air,
The joy and wonder as I head out there,
And I know I can have it, if I only dare.

How many bodybuilding macho jerks
Will blow everything full of holes?
How many imitation Captain Kirks
Will spill beer on the ship's controls?

How many stupid personality quirks
Will we see instead of souls?
Give me my baby and a ship that works,
And give us the starring roles.

I want to cruise the galaxy at FTL,
Pursuing Heaven and defying Hell,
I want to do everything that a man can do,
And I want to do it all out there with you.

Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide,
Nothing worth doing that I haven't tried.
There ain't no living on planet-side,
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.

Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide,
Nothing worth doing that I haven't tried.
There ain't no living on planet-side,
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.